To say something - MIL advice

[MilAdvice16]

I've name changed so this doesn't link to my other threads.

I have 2 DDs, 1 is 4yo and the other is 2 months, I'm currently on mat leave. When I was at work MIL watched our oldest every Monday.

MIL is on her own with no other family nearby so I invited her to spend a few occasions with my family over the Christmas period that they were hosting. DH was working all of these bar one.

At 2 of these MIL continously discussed how much junk food she fed my DD when she watched her and how she took her to McDonald's for chicken nuggets even though she knew she "was naughty" for doing so as I didn't like it. Also how she fed her sweets and sugar loaded crap constantly.

Now I am aware she does that especially now DD is old enough to tell me! MIL is well aware how i feel about too much sugar in DD's diet and I've been annoyed for years that she does this behind my back. DD does get treats and sugary things with us but not to the extent that MIL feeds her as well as the ridiculous volume of food throughout the day.

I've let it slide so far keep the peace whilst making it known DD should not be getting fed crap constantly.

It's now got to the stage that I'm really annoyed about it more so because of the things she was saying in front of my family undermining my parenting and going on about how she feeds her sweets and McDonald's. As well as continuously loading up DD's plate with more food after I'd specifically said no more on several occasions. I bit my tongue in front of everyone so as not to embarrass her or myself.

I don't know how to go about saying something without coming across like a bitch. DH agrees with me to my face but he's never said anything to her and I know that if he did he would say it in an eye roll way and say you know what DW is like because he wouldn't want to offend his mum. I feel quite hurt that he watched it going on and never said anything.

AIBU to say something?

As an aside I'm looking into alternative childcare for the girls for when I go back to work specifically for this reason. I feel guilty because she has nothing else in her life and my DD and her adore each other.

I agree with Across, but personally I would find new childcare arrangements anyway, as long as contact between them can still be frequent and loving, because you say it affects your previously good relationship with MIL. Good relationships with in-laws are so important, if they can be healthily maintained, and I think claiming you think the kids need other children around as an excuse, then planning lots of intentional treat days with Grandma is wisest.

This will fester, if she carries on providing care as she does. No matter how you try to challenge the undermining, you can't alter people, and this does sound entrenched with her.

That is a completely valid reason to look for alternative childcare and you are putting the needs of your children first which is exactly what you should be doing. You don't need to be worried or feel guilty about it. If your DC are not there once a week then your relationship will hopefully get better as you won't need to feel cross with her. It won't matter if she feeds them rubbish when she sees them as it won't be so often so will not cause so many issues. You can blame the childcare changes on their social development needs being met better through preschool or nursery with other children and learning opportunities.

The crap I wouldn't worry about but I would be dealing with being undermined. Maybe next time a 'yes and this is why we've found other childcare' with a pointed look.

As an aside we're not supposed to eat until we are full. We're supposed to eat until we stop feeling hungry. The stomach carries on filling up for 20 minutes or so after we stop.

I think you need to see your GP with your daughter, if you think she really doesn't "have an off switch for food", rather than a) being hungry or b) being greedy for sweet things. If she will just as happily eat more bread and veg as biscuits and cake, and is putting on weight then she may have a real problem.
Without the excess weight gain it may just be a growth spurt.

As regards your MIL, I think you and your DH need to have a word with her about undermining your parenting; not by spoiling her but by talking about it in her presence (small children understand a lot more than some people think).

My mum always slipped my dds sweets and shit, I didn't really mind and it was only every other week. Though I'd have rather she didn't.

However those saying it won't make a difference if this child is stuffed full of junk once a week - ummm yes it really will.

My niece's Disney dad feeds her McDs and sweets etcetc two weekends a month and she's very overweight. This is despite her mum feeding her healthy, appropriate portions the rest of the times. Those four days of my niece eating, say, an extra 800/1000 calories, is specifically the problem.

"As an aside we're not supposed to eat until we are full. We're supposed to eat until we stop feeling hungry. The stomach carries on filling up for 20 minutes or so after we stop."

Bollocks.

Yep I'm sure the fat part of the western world will agree with you

I think you should definitely get alternative childcare in place for when you go back - it's going to cause real issues otherwise.

In between, maybe try to see MIL outside of meal times? And of she tries to feed DD say NO - she has just eaten. I would stick to my guns on this as she is clearly using it as a way of undermining you.

One Easter, when I was small, we stayed with GPs who kept giving me chocolate, saying "oooh, a little bit won't hurt".

I developed hives, so all the little bits did hurt, and my DM was the one who had to tend a poorly child, not the GPs.

It does sound like your MIL has food issues, so I do agree that a nursery would be better. Then, on the odd occaision when they are with Granny, the spoiling really won't hurt.

Incidentally, my DH used to do that fence sitting thing, trying to keep everyone happy. He has learned, over time, that no one is ever happy when you try to do that, and you end up tying yourself in knots, trying to please everyone. It's much easier on him now that he always agrees with me has learnt to stand up to his parents.

Won't DD be going to school this year anyway?

The issue is she is rubbing it in that she is going against you, not so much that she is though it does piss me off that because you are a grandparent you can ignore the parents wishes.

I'm definitely going to have get tougher. For the first time I did tell her no recently when she went to give her more cake when she'd already had loads. I did get but it's Christmas! Yes but you'd already been filling her with chocolate before dinner and with crisps in-between courses when I was out the room. It's the underhand way that she goes about it and trying to get one up on me.

We did have a good relationship but that's being eroded with the undermining.

DD is a healthy weight after being a chubby baby. I don't understand when DD loves healthy food and fruit and veg and saw them (fruit) as treats that MIL has to go against that and bring chocolate in her bag to sneak to her when I'm not looking.

DD will be going to school but then it'll all start again with my baby unless we use alternative childcare. DH was all for a childminder etc for the baby until recently when he's suddenly said that MIL will want to do it. It's as if he's just pacifying me which he does to keep the peace.

There is a big benefit from a child being looked after by someone who loves them. On the other hand, there's a lot of damage that can be done by a child being looked after by someone who teaches them that Mummy is to be ignored, to keep secrets from parents and that food = love.

As your DD is 4, I assume she'll be starting school next September, will that be around when you go back to work? Perfect 'break' point, you'll be using before and after school care for her and a nearby nursery/CM for DD2, just easier that way and "Granny can go back to just being Granny, not childcare."

In a family setting in the future, I think you are just going to have to embarrass MIL, if she's bragging about undermining you, she's not all that fussed about upsetting you or humiliating you in front of other family members, so it's ok for you to 'pull rank' a little and say "no, I don't want DD eating that." or "No DD, I'm the one in charge and I have already said you can't have that, it's not Granny's decision." you'll probably only have to do it once, but you will probably have to do it if you want her to stop. Or you stop her being round your DD completely at meal times, which might be worse long term.

In my experience, one day of over-eating sugary foods can leave my DD dissatisfied with anything else for ages. She would also be fed chocolate cake etc. by relatives and would have kept eating until she was miserable. I put up with it until one day I just snapped and sent a cross text afterwards explaining that DD was now overwrought and had a very sore tummy because DH's requests (that she not be given more) had been blatantly ignored. The text was ignored but it didn't happen again.

I have no time whatsoever for the idea that grandparents are 'meant' to feed children crap until they're fractious. Grandparents are meant to do whatever's best for the kids, just like parents are.

oh X post, I guess you need to say that you will either have strong words with MIL or just use a CM for DD2, that perhaps you can frame it as DD1 and 2 are in the same setting with the CM doing the school run and you can fudge it that there's a minimum number of days she'll take them for or something similar, lots of "great you get to go back to just being Granny."

I think you are going to have to be really firm. Say NO. When she says, it's just a bit of cake/Christmas/whatever you will have to say "I said NO MIL- you did hear me."

I agree with Dinosaurs that you may need to point out to her that its your decision not hers. She may counter saying it's her decision if DD is in her house, and you will have to tell her plainly that if she cannot be trusted, she won't have unsupervised access to DD again.

Let her tut and get the hump. She will get over herself eventually.

A previous poster asked what DH's weight a DD teeth are like after being brought up by MIL. Weight fine, he's always been sporty, but his teeth aren't great and he had such a sweet tooth! He can put away a packet of biscuits in a sitting and does this regularly! And eats a huge amount of chocolate.

His sister has always had weight issues and was overweight as a child.

*weight and teeth

What your dd is learning is that mummy can be ignored. She will think that mummy is being mean not allowing sweets galore, and that grandma is the kind one.
This is wrong.
My children's health is so precious to me... I really would need to resolve this issue straight away. I would feel exactly the same as you.

Sounds like she is deliberately goading you into a confrontation.

I like what Imperial suggested.

The thing is though DH and his sisters had a no treat approach to food. No sweets, cake, biscuits, etc, or cake on Sundays. Both SILs ate overweight because once they left home they went bonkers and they all snaffle chocolate and sweets and hide them without sharing. I often (and he's 56) find a Mars Nat wrapper in dh's pocket that he eats lime a little boy on the way home from work. I think your approach can backfire. I was much more relaxed. Mine were never greedy over sweets and cake and have barely touched any chocolate or biscuits over Christmas. DH on the other hand.

I'm assuming you don't pay your MIL for childcare which brings a completely different dimension. In my experience very few children keep eating when they ate full - their eyes tend to be bigger than their belly and I suspect your DD has an issue with food/eating which is quite separate from your MIL and which you need to focus on.

The sad thing is i didn't realise she was like this She had quite a bit to drink at the different gatherings we went to and her tongue got away with her a couple of times and I was quite shocked by some of the things she was coming out with.

Beaufort My DD has no issue whatsoever with food and, like many of her chums, will keep eating sweets because it's a treat and she doesn't notice she's feeling sick until afterwards. There is no reason to suspect a child of having 'food issues' just for this reason (as any parent who has cleared up after a birthday party could tell you!).

Thinking a child has an issue with food when no issue is present can easily create issues. The OP would be well advised to avoid extremes in either direction, but to focus generally on maintaining a healthy diet that is low in sugar.

DD does get sweet treats with me. I'm careful not to have treats seen as forbidden. But to me they should be just that, treats. And not every time she asks or forced on her when she's been busy doing something else and isn't thinking about it.

If she's not had much that day then yes she can have a biscuit or some chocolate buttons but she's also told no when she's had what I think is plenty or just before/straight after dinner etc.