To say something - MIL advice

[MilAdvice16]

I've name changed so this doesn't link to my other threads.

I have 2 DDs, 1 is 4yo and the other is 2 months, I'm currently on mat leave. When I was at work MIL watched our oldest every Monday.

MIL is on her own with no other family nearby so I invited her to spend a few occasions with my family over the Christmas period that they were hosting. DH was working all of these bar one.

At 2 of these MIL continously discussed how much junk food she fed my DD when she watched her and how she took her to McDonald's for chicken nuggets even though she knew she "was naughty" for doing so as I didn't like it. Also how she fed her sweets and sugar loaded crap constantly.

Now I am aware she does that especially now DD is old enough to tell me! MIL is well aware how i feel about too much sugar in DD's diet and I've been annoyed for years that she does this behind my back. DD does get treats and sugary things with us but not to the extent that MIL feeds her as well as the ridiculous volume of food throughout the day.

I've let it slide so far keep the peace whilst making it known DD should not be getting fed crap constantly.

It's now got to the stage that I'm really annoyed about it more so because of the things she was saying in front of my family undermining my parenting and going on about how she feeds her sweets and McDonald's. As well as continuously loading up DD's plate with more food after I'd specifically said no more on several occasions. I bit my tongue in front of everyone so as not to embarrass her or myself.

I don't know how to go about saying something without coming across like a bitch. DH agrees with me to my face but he's never said anything to her and I know that if he did he would say it in an eye roll way and say you know what DW is like because he wouldn't want to offend his mum. I feel quite hurt that he watched it going on and never said anything.

AIBU to say something?

As an aside I'm looking into alternative childcare for the girls for when I go back to work specifically for this reason. I feel guilty because she has nothing else in her life and my DD and her adore each other.

I have no concerns over issues with food with DD or myself. As far as I'm concerned DD's too young to be responsible for her own intake of food and to know when's enough or what's healthy or not. That's my job. It's also my role to teach her these things and everything in moderation.

My mum has DD occasionally and I know she gets some treats there and more often than not a sweet pudding but I know that it's balanced with a home cooked healthy dinner, lunch, breakfast etc with lots of fruit.

With MIL is a sugar laden breakfast cereal that she never has with me or DH then a bacon sandwich then a McDonald's with cream cakes/chocolate/biscuits in between as well as way too much juice.

The scret thing is appalling; when she's at school she'll be taught about stranger danger, but that'll confuse her if she's alreadylearnt that you keep secrets, especially keeping secrets from mum and dad. Even your appeasing dh should be able to see the potential danger that puts her in. My mil did all this. DH had a word with her about the secret thing, but I have no idea whether it had any effect. Luckily, we moved 150 miles away and before that, I made contact a bit more limited.

"At 2 of these MIL continously discussed how much junk food she fed my DD when she watched her and how she took her to McDonald's for chicken nuggets even though she knew she "was naughty" for doing so as I didn't like it. Also how she fed her sweets and sugar loaded crap constantly. "

"She had quite a bit to drink at the different gatherings we went to and her tongue got away with her a couple of times and I was quite shocked by some of the things she was coming out with."

Oh dear. It's not just what food your DD is having fed to her, it's the attitudes being fed to her as well. I wonder if DD is ever told 'don't tell mummy', 'it's our little secret', ''mummy's too strict' and other helpful little tidbits .

I'd be fucking furious with MIL, but would attempt to rein myself in and take the route suggested by ImperialBlether -
"Next time she starts talking like that, just say, "Now listen to me. This is affecting the way I feel towards you and pretty soon I'll be at the point where I won't let you take care of her. I want her to have a grandmother who will keep her safe and well, not one who's going to feed her absolute rubbish. If you can't do that, and it looks at the moment as though you can't, then you'll only be able to see her if I'm there, so that I can make sure she's fed properly." Leave the room then aka letting her chew on it."

Regardless, I'd be looking for alternate childcare when you return from maternity leave.

"I feel guilty because she has nothing else in her life and my DD and her adore each other."
Well she shouldn't have tried to fuck you over then by doing what she KNEW you didn't want done. Consequences. Besides, she will still see DD - just not alone.

It's not the sweets etc, it's the glee she seemingly has in doing so.

That for me would be the deciding factor.

I'd go with the nursery socialisation tack for now so that you keep an eye on mil for now.

I think I'm going to go against the grain here and say one day per week of junk food and sugar laden sweets is a problem. It is too often and it is not good for the child's health in many ways. I don't think it is healthy for anyone to eat MacDonald's and the like once a week. Occasionally- no problem. I am surprised so many posters would be ok with that.

Also have to agree with Dinosaur: There is a big benefit from a child being looked after by someone who loves them. On the other hand, there's a lot of damage that can be done by a child being looked after by someone who teaches them that Mummy is to be ignored, to keep secrets from parents and that food = love

I think you and your DH have to present a united front. Explain to MIL that you don't mind occasional treats but that giving her junk food and treats all the time, as well as huge portions of food, has got to stop for the sake of DDs health. I would also explain that you would prefer her not asking your DD to keep secrets as that's not fair to her and undermines your trust in your MIL.

If she can't make some changes, then I think it is perfectly reasonable to look for alternative childcare. She can still visit and it may be better all round that this source of contention is removed.

She seems almost obsessive about stuffing junk food down your DD, if she feels she's got to tell everyone about it. I agree, you need to stop the childminding arrangement unless and until she is prepared to abide by your wishes. The children can still have a perfectly good relationship with her by virtue of things like visits at weekends.

It's a relief to know I'm not overreacting and that her behaviour isn't right. It makes me more confident to broach it more seriously with DH. He is very protective of his mum and never says a bad word against her.

This thread has made me wonder if there's some jealousy on her part based on something she said recently when she'd had a few in relation to me and DH. I couldn't think of any reason why she would say it but this situation had made me reflect on it a little more. There seems to be an undercurrent of a power struggle.

I'm with you, OP. My DS has very poor teeth due in part to his food issues. He was sneakily adding sugar to all his food, doesn't have an off switch and food is his main focus and the fact he grinds his teeth.

I am very strict atm with regards to sugar or foods that can damage his teeth whilst we wait for a referral to a psychologist.

I too have been very vocal with extended family about sweets and treats and for the time being they are banned until we can figure out if the sweet cravings are psyche or Sensory related yet my family keep going behind my back to give him sweets, chocolates and sugary, fizzy drinks because they think I am being mean and depriving him I think its food=love with my family too :( every xmas present contained chocolate, selection boxes as a xmas gift I've had a very difficult time taking away from him and out of pocket replacing it for non-food related things. I can, thankfully, use the excuse 'its got nuts in it' because I have friends who are very allergic who visit often. But I shouldn't have to. People should listen and show you some respect about your decisions.

I would say something. I would (and have been) very blunt. Its not on. If she's not happy then I would use a nursery, at 4 she should get some free hours? At least with a nursery you can be sure she'll eat what you put in her lunch bag and time with MIL can at least be supervised.

You could try turning the conversation around and reframing it along the lines of 'I thought you loved dd and yet you insist on doing everything you can to harm her health by stuffing her with junk food - you even bragged about it to my parents over christmas. If you don't love her and you want to carry on harming her then so be it, you've told me to my face and I'll take you at your word. I'll get alternative childcare sorted so you don't have to screw her up any more.'

Hugely passive aggressive but might be a way to shock her into seeing exactly how strongly you and dh feel about this...

DH would FREAK if I spoke to her like that.. I need to get him onside and preferably have him have the actual conversation with her with me being there. I think it would be better and she would take it more seriously coming from him. If he won't then I will need to. I don't think I'm very good at these types of discussions though, I tend to come across as confrontational and waffle. There have been some good suggestions on here that I'll mull over.

My experience is much like BeaufortBelle's. My four are all slim and eat healthy diets although they were allowed sweets and cakes and chocolate as kids, friends of their's who had strict rules about sweets and chocolates eat loads now they are grown up.

However, I don't think food is the issue, the real issue is control and who is going to win gran or mum.

"Satiety is controlled by a number of factors that begin when a food or drink is consumed and continue as the food enters the gut and is digested and absorbed. Signals feed into specific areas of the brain in response to the expansion of the stomach, our sensory responses and the brain’s perceptions of the food and drink consumed. Hormonal signals are released in response to the digestion and absorption of nutrients. There are also hormones that tell the brain how much fat we have stored in the body, which affect satiety over the longer term. These signals are integrated in areas of the brain involved in the regulation of energy intake, which lead to the feeling of satiety. Although we can feel the stomach filling up as we eat, it can take 15-20 minutes after food is first eaten, for the full range of satiety signals to reach the brain. By this time and for some time afterwards we will experience feelings of fullness.

taken from [[https://www.nutrition.org.uk/healthyliving/fuller/understanding-satiety-feeling-full-after-a-meal.html] here]

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here

I think granny has the right of it. It is her way of getting one over you; definitely a power struggle.

It does make me sad that there are women who think like this, and I thank god I don't have a boy. MIL was definitely into being loved more than mummy was, and more than other grandmother was. She has done and said things which have literally left me speechless.

Definitely find other childcare.
She has issues very much like my MIL, who equates volume of food with love. (mil is very overweight herself)
We actually lived next door to PIL when dds were 4 and 1 but moved because of the way MIL constantly ignored our very reasonable requests about not giving them biscuits or sweets just before they were due to eat a meal (she would also call round to our house five mins before dds were due to go to bed, get them all excited for ten mins then sod off back home).
DH tried to talk to her gently but she said as they were her grandchildren she could do what she liked! We put the house on the market the next day.

You can't reason with people like this.

I think grandparents are really important in a child's life but we have to be careful to always remember who the parents are, particularly the MIL. I have 2 DIL's, well one is an ex but I see her alot as I look after the children after school, and I have never fallen out with either of them. It can be done and free childcare from someone who loves them is a winwin situation as long as granny follows the rules.

Having read everything I've totally changed my mind on this one now. Defo sounds like passive aggressive MIL/GP engaging in power play.

i get how you feel but i feel she may be trying to provoke you into an argument/drama. Don't fall for it.

As it's only one day during the week and your dd is always honest with you about it, i'd keep on observing but not say anything. The next time she starts mentioning it just say breezily 'yes - we know. Just as well/this is why dd is only with you one day a week'

That way you've made it clear you know and that also YOU have been in control of the situation all along. It will get the message across without any difficult words needing to be said.

Then i'd think of other childcare options for both your dc in the longrun. She'l do the same with dc2 if given the chance so you're still in control of if or how often she gets to behave like that with your dc.

Someone who eats tiny tiny portions while loading up another's plate with junk? That's not good, is it, op?

I also think one day a week of eating crap is too much at that age. It's like having an extra day's food per week.

But the junk itself is not the main issue is it? It's the unhealthy attitude towards food and the secretiveness. I think not eating while pushing crap on others is one symptom of disordered eating. Teaching your dd that it's good to have secrets is bad. Going against your wishes in such an extreme fashion is bad - this isn't a few chocolate buttons after a run around the park is it? It's as much junk as she can stuff in her, whilst eating none herself.

Ugh. It's horrible. Why can't things just be straightforward?? I don't want to meddle in their relationship. And I really don't want to "confront" her either and cause ill feeling.

But the atmosphere isn't great between us as a result of this. Maybe I just need to play it by ear and challenge every time it happens.

Skipton that's pretty much it.

I would just get alternate childcare. Friends of ours are lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents sharing the care of their grandchildren. But they're respectful of their role and the parents role and follow the 'rules' set by the parents. In that situation having grandparents care for your kids is lovely.

But in your situation it just isn't like that. Your DD is learning all sorts of terrible lessons around food and relationships and your own relationship with MIL is likely to end up permanently damaged. I would speak to your DH and point out that for the long term welfare of your DD and in the interests of maintaining a good relationship with MIL it would be for the best. Admittedly MIL might not be too happy about the situation but I'm sure you can come up with an excuse. Stop feeling responsible for her happiness because she's not overly concerned with yours.

It's a shame your dh isn't tougher - he needs to say that we love you looking after the dc, but it is going to stop very soon if we hear any more negative comments about DW and dad's food - on a last chance basis. You need your dh to front this and properly support you, because if you do end up getting other childcare you are going to be the bad guy to your dd and she'll make a big fuss about the new arrangements

Dd, not dad...