To say something - MIL advice

[MilAdvice16]

I've name changed so this doesn't link to my other threads.

I have 2 DDs, 1 is 4yo and the other is 2 months, I'm currently on mat leave. When I was at work MIL watched our oldest every Monday.

MIL is on her own with no other family nearby so I invited her to spend a few occasions with my family over the Christmas period that they were hosting. DH was working all of these bar one.

At 2 of these MIL continously discussed how much junk food she fed my DD when she watched her and how she took her to McDonald's for chicken nuggets even though she knew she "was naughty" for doing so as I didn't like it. Also how she fed her sweets and sugar loaded crap constantly.

Now I am aware she does that especially now DD is old enough to tell me! MIL is well aware how i feel about too much sugar in DD's diet and I've been annoyed for years that she does this behind my back. DD does get treats and sugary things with us but not to the extent that MIL feeds her as well as the ridiculous volume of food throughout the day.

I've let it slide so far keep the peace whilst making it known DD should not be getting fed crap constantly.

It's now got to the stage that I'm really annoyed about it more so because of the things she was saying in front of my family undermining my parenting and going on about how she feeds her sweets and McDonald's. As well as continuously loading up DD's plate with more food after I'd specifically said no more on several occasions. I bit my tongue in front of everyone so as not to embarrass her or myself.

I don't know how to go about saying something without coming across like a bitch. DH agrees with me to my face but he's never said anything to her and I know that if he did he would say it in an eye roll way and say you know what DW is like because he wouldn't want to offend his mum. I feel quite hurt that he watched it going on and never said anything.

AIBU to say something?

As an aside I'm looking into alternative childcare for the girls for when I go back to work specifically for this reason. I feel guilty because she has nothing else in her life and my DD and her adore each other.

Guys the op has not told the mil how she feels...think about this for a moment here. The mil has openly told her dil what she has been feeding her daughter and the op has kept her mouth shut.

Please tell me who is at fault here??

Very similar here although DD ended up visiting hospital with bowel issues due to too much sugar and that stopped them giving her 3-4 fruit shoots a day

Also once DD could talk she told us she had chocolate mousse for breakfast and MIL hid the pots so DH and I didn't know. We made a few comments at following breakfasts asking how many mousses she'd eaten (totally passive aggressive!) and that has also stopped. MIL knows I'm vocal and we told her DD couldn't stay with them if they couldn't feed her sensibly. We have now moved away and contact is now only with us there due to logistics.

SIL on the other hand is undermined (in front of others, we saw this over Christmas). SIL/BIL tend to be quite overpowered by PIL I think. It's sad as MIL sees no harm in it but actually the undermining is the nasty bit.

"Please tell me who is at fault here??"

Well it did occur to me that if Op has known for a while perhaps she should already have stopped the childcare or at least have decided that it won't be happeneing when she goes back to work.

If you know that someone is doing something that you don't want them to, does them boasting about it really change things?

Unless Op wasn't exactly sure how much crap was being fed butitis now confirmed?

I've let it slide up until now as previously mentioned due to it being one day a week and I stopped having so much crap in our house for when she's here that she could feed her. I have mentioned several times over the years that DD's not allowed x, y and z or to restrict how much she's getting. I've came right out with it or done it passively aggressively. I've wanted to give her the chance to reduce how much she's doing it. I don't know how much clearer I need to be without causing an argument. Plus I know DH will not be happy with me if I "have a go" at his mum.

But the past couple of weeks in her company has brought it to the forefront and it's the blatant undermining of my requests in front of me to not give her whatever or extra, unnecessary portions that has upset me the most and made me realise that this actually seems to be on purpose to go against my wishes. That coupled with the almost boasting about it in front of my family and I've had enough.

I need to speak to DH again about it but really push home my point over it. He's seeing her during the week so will ask him to talk to her then. But I know how he sugar soaps things when it comes to her.

I'm going to come across as the evil DIL and I'm concerned over he'll discuss it with her. I don't know.

It's easy to say just stop the childcare. But it's DH's choice too.

If it was the other way round I wouldn't hesitate to speak to my parents and tell them to reign it in. And let them know on no uncertain terms that they would have to quit it or run the risk of losing out on unsupervised time with her.

Maybe you need to speak to her then?

So if your parents were doing something your DH didn't approve of you'd have a word. Probably present a united front so DH didn't come across as the bad guy. Your DH needs to do the same. If he can't then its him you have the problem with. You need to get him to see its in both MILs and your DDs best interest for him to do so. At the moment he's prioritizing MILs feelings over yours and ignoring the damage she's doing to your DD. In your shoes I'd be furious with him.

He won't want to upset her, she's gone through some tough times and is currently going through a very difficult time.

I always suggest to him to take DD to see her, I said to him to take her Christmas shopping for gifts and pay for them as she's short on money. Earlier in the year money from my savings paid for her trip away to see family (granted it's joint money although in my account). I offered her to come to spend Christmas etc with my family on 3 occasions so she wasn't on her own and bought small gifts for her to take etc each time so she wasn't going empty handed. She doesn't ask for these things but doesn't have the money to pay for them herself. I never got any word of thanks for any of it. She possibly doesn't realise a lot of it came from me though which is fine. I don't want her to feel like it's charity or to feel indebted.

But then when she speaks about me like that, as it is directed at me, it feels like a slap in the face.

argh typed out a long post but I've lost it all
Your MIL sounds exactly like my feeder DM. She lives to feed everyone whilst spouting on about how much weight she's lost on her latest fad diet.
I had more than enough of this feeding crap when I was growing up and was determined to not let it happen to my DC so I have taught them only to eat if they are hungry (this may mean skipping lunch if they had a late breakfast) and that they can say no to my DM.
I have managed to keep a handle on it because we live so far away.
My Sister on the other hand lives fairly close and used her for childcare. She, like you, had to stop due to the undermining with food.
However if your MIL is anything like my DM then be prepared for the undermining to happen elsewhere, like giving my then 13-year old shots of alcohol even though I'd said no!
I have to constantly pull my DM up on things and it's so fucking tiring that we are seeing less and less of her as time goes on.
Sorry I have no real answer for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and you are not wrong

It is tiring Arya I find myself getting tense whenever I know I'm going to be in her company because it's like a constant battle and I have to watch what's going on at all times.

I did try to teach my dd to say no to some of the crap that mil was trying to push at her.

Like yours, mil seemed to take great delight in ensuring we knew she was going against us. What she didn't realise was that quite a few of the rules were imposed by dh, not by me, I just agreed with him (no fizzy drinks, no lollipops, no boiled sweets, no Ribena or squash). She once, as she was going through the front door picking dd up for an afternoon at mil's, threw over her shoulder at me "I've just got a lovely new bottle of Ribena, just for her!". I did lose my rag that time after half an hour of non-stop digs at me. It didn't change anything.

If it's any consolation OP we do now have a family game of 'feeder bingo' when we go down where we all bet on things like how many times she will ask us if we want something to eat 5 mins after we've polished off our dinner

Personally I wouldn't wait til September to sort out your childcare. I'd do it now and if you have to then use the excuse that you are getting your eldest used to a classroom situation by putting her into a nursery/pre-school. Would that work for you?

It means you're not confronting the situation head on, but it does remove you from it somewhat.

Sometimes I am staggered when I read here.Why would you do this to a beloved granddaughter?Boasting in front of Dil's family?

Who are these emotionally immature antique spitefull little girls?

I am a Mil by the way.

I'm actually surprised by the responses on this thread. There's so often threads about MILs and the majority are on their side with the DILs being told they're unreasonable.

I thought I was going to get a flaming and being told I was overreacting etc. Was looking for an unbiased opinion in case I was looking too much into it. I feel now it's possibly more of an issue than I realised.

My MIL is also utterly bonkers when it comes to food and it's the main reason we've used paid childcare from the start. I would honestly sooner spend £££ on childcare than cope with the constant undermining, never mind the stuffing full of my dc until they're on the verge of being sick.

To MIL, food = love and fat = healthy. Dh was overweight as a child as was his sister (who still is, very).

MIL has no concept of portion control, genuinely believes that sweets "containing real fruit juice" are healthy and believes that ready meals are the healthy choice.

I fear for my dn who lives with her. Her diet is shocking and although she's active as she's a toddler I expect once she's a little older that will change as MIL is so risk averse there won't be any opportunities to exercise.

So many older generation discussed here with an unhealthy attitude to food! And a food = love mentality. I don't get it, it's not as if the health risks of junk food is unknown! Why stuff your GKids full of stuff that is doing them more harm than good when you love them so much??

MilAdvice16 generalising a bit but perhaps the older gen who still experienced rationing suffer from food security issues too and do what their parents did with them?

My gran was born in '39 and I'm certain she has issues stemming from limited diet when growing up trough rationing (still some when she married!) and then the almost sudden abundance of food and money when he had her own children.

I know it's not all of the story but that generation certainly seems to have many issues with regards to food and that was one of the biggest things I can think of to have any lasting impact/effect on how we eat.

Yes my mum would give dds bags full of chocolate if left to it - because when she grew up late 40s and 50s sweets were a massive treat.
She then tells me her generation is much healthier than any other while attempting to over feed my dds! I suspect some of it is just about wanting to be adored in general - my mum is a spoiler across the board and since she sees dd very rarely due to distance we don't mind.

My DM is relatively young, born in the 50's so grew up in the 60's. No excuse about rationing or anything for her!
When we go there she is in 7th heaven trying to get everyone to eat, but just doesn't get the fact we don't want or need that amount of food.
It makes it worse because she's always saying how she eats so healthily and how she's lost so much weight on whatever diet she's on, whilst at the same time trying to ply everyone else with shit
That's why I think that you could talk to her about it, but if she's always been like it then it could be easier to limit her time with your DC :-(

All this 'ooh it's always best for a child to be looked after the someone who loves them', fantasy land bullshit. Sometimes it's catagorically not better. My DD's gran (my MIL) certainly loves her DGD, but she is shit at looking after her. She chain smokes, has no idea how smoky her house is despite 'smoking outside', spends most of the day playing bubble crush on her iPad and has literally no clue about nutrition and sugar. Yes her son's teeth are in very bad shape. There is love between my MIL and DD but her nursery is miles ahead in terms of stimulating, healthy, engaged childcare.

My friends all come from the same generation as myself. Born in the 40's. A lot of them look after their GC and are very aware of a healthy diet, exercise etc. I didn't feed my Own DCs junk when they were growing up and I don't do it to my GC either.
Only uneducated woman don't know about the risks of poor diet. They exist in every generation.
I exercise every day. I am size 12. I don't think it is only the older generation who have a problem with food. The amount of young Mothers I see pushing buggies around that are fat, is a lot. If you go into a McDonald's it is full of young families. it is not full of pensioners.

I also think that the younger generations smoke as much. I haven't got a single friend who smokes.
This post has nothing to do with the MIL's age it is a MIL/DIL conflict.

And yet, my mother - and everyone I knew of her generation (and the gen. above hers') - is the opposite. No food issues at all, just general knowledge of what was healthy, basic requirements, how to make stranger foods palatable etc. Mum was born in '24 and therefore lived through the war, and also was old enough to remember what it was like before war broke out.

All very good points. Was simply referring to the MILs/DMs mentioned specifically on this thread as opposed to a generalisation of older generations.

My DB and SIL are grandparents and are in their early forties. SIL "spoils" her GD with junk food when she's watching her. However so does her young mother. I remember once they were visiting me and I gave both children a bowl of chopped up fruit and hers was taken off her after a couple of pieces so "she didn't get a sore tummy" but then she was given a packet of crisps and a chocolate biscuit

Holeinmyheart I agree, this is not generational at all. My parents generation (40s babies) have a pretty healthy attitude to food ime. It's my generation who are all bonkers, currently obsessed with eating 'clean' (as Nigella says, food isn't dirty!), food being responsible for any medical issues, food can cure any ills, coconut oil prevents depression and all that crap. I read in a magazine yesterday about eating 'pegan' - paleo AND vegan. I've cutting out most foods. To me this just smacks of disordered eating. Far more healthy to scoff the odd macdonalds than spend hours obsessing over food.
OP - is it possible your mil has picked up on you being fairly strict about food and feels a bit threatened/criticised, hence the multiple mentions and boasting about being 'naughty'? If your dd adores her - and she has been doing you a huuuuuge favour having her every week when you were working - it seems very wrong to put a stop to the arrangement just because of this issue. And don't think that nurseries are the denizens of healthy nutrition that they will all claim in their brochures, either - they all serve plenty of processed hot dogs and spam fritters with cake for pud when it comes to it!

I have no idea what she thinks tbh. I don't think I'm strict though! Surely it's common sense?? I'm not saying no treats, simply asking for a bit of respect towards my wishes. In moderation it's fine. It's the secretive taking her to McDonald's and purposefully not telling me. This used to happen every week. I would get stuff in for their lunch and it wouldn't be eaten. Then I heard her whispering to someone one day that she takes DD there and it's their little secret and she's naughty for doing it

If DD wants something to eat outwith meals fruit was always the default and DD was happy with that but MIL defaults to sugar laden foodstuff and over feeds her at meal times. There's no need for it. She has a tiny tummy and doesn't need ridiculous sized portions.

She probably does feel criticised. I appreciate she's doing us a favour but it now feels like we're doing her one as she has nothing outwith the one day a week she watches DD.

I don't want to spend the next x number of years with DD2 going through the same thing with me being undermined.

Looks like DH and I will be having a chat tonight. Not looking forward to it. I can't always articulate what I want to say without sounding confrontational and I don't want to get his back up from the off and we end up falling out over it. Sigh. It'll go one of two ways I think and I'm not sure either outcome will make much of a difference tbh.