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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to visit the in laws this year?

37 replies

Sylviecat · 01/01/2016 19:06

So we've started thinking about holidays this year, and there's the ever contentious issue of visiting the in laws. They live abroad and have done for around 12 yrs.

Pre dc we could easily afford to visit them and have our own holidays. I used to feel a bit resentful of having to use precious annual leave but it was fine.

Now I'm a sahm with 2 small dc's. Finances are v tight. The last 4 yrs since dc 1 was born we have essentially sacrificed having a family holiday in order to be able to visit the in laws. In fact we have only ever had the odd weekend away -just the 4 of us, never a weeks holiday.

This yr I really want to go away just as a family. Mil has already started talking about us all going over in the summer and I just don't want to. But I feel mean as the dc's like going and I know they love seeing us. I feel that it was their decision to move and they should visit us more. Dp thinks we should go although understands.

Am I being really harsh if I stand my ground over this? I honestly don't know. Part of it is selfish as I'm so bored of visiting them. It's v rural/nothing to do/climate is no better than here.

OP posts:
AddToBasket · 01/01/2016 19:08

Can they come to you? then you don't need to take time off or pay for it? If it was me I'd be getting dates to offer them. Try to have them to you and make a big deal of it being a 'holiday' (day trips out etc). Then do your own thing away.

I think YANBU but I can see that your DH would want to see his parents and DC see their grandparents.

ImperialBlether · 01/01/2016 19:11

Just say, "It would be lovely to see you all but we're saving up for a family holiday in XXX for next summer so won't be able to afford to come over. You're always welcome here."

Original poster
Sylviecat · 01/01/2016 19:12

They do visit us around once or twice a year. However they have a lot of animals so it is tricky for them to leave. they are never keen to stay in our spare room so bring their camper van which is fine but won't fit in our driveway so they end up staying with other relatives and it's all a bit chaotic.

We are always trying to persuade them to just stay with us but they like their own space in the camper van!

OP posts:
Istrianlover · 01/01/2016 19:18

Could you borrow their camper van and go off for a few days / week when visiting ILS? It would be a family holiday and then spend some time visiting them ?

Original poster
Sylviecat · 01/01/2016 20:31

That's a good idea - doubt they'd let us use the camper but we could try and get away camping for a few days.
Thank you imperial- I guess that is what I want to say. I just don't feel brave enough and feel like I'm being unfair.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 01/01/2016 20:34

Could you suggest inviting them to come on holiday with you? That way you can all get what you want.

EponasWildDaughter · 01/01/2016 20:36

YANBU at all.

If money was ok and you could do the visit plus a family holiday every year then it would be different. Alternate years, or a plan for a visit to theirs one in every 3 years is perfectly acceptable under the circs..

What does DP feel? Is he onside?

it's his job to talk to his mum about it

ImperialBlether · 01/01/2016 20:38

Noooo, whocansay, let them have their holiday on their own! Who wants the ILs hanging around on a holiday?

cricketballs · 01/01/2016 20:39

so basically you are saying that you don't want your DH and your DC to see their DP/DGP because you feel they should not have moved?

What does your DH think about you not wanting to spend time with his parents? You have already said your DC look forward to it; so why are you so important to trump everyone elses needs/wants?

I appologise for sounding harsh, but as I have very recently lost a parent, the post on MN lately about DP/PIL are proving themselves to be so selfish and self absorbed that I am no longer able to hold back

ImperialBlether · 01/01/2016 20:39

A friend of mine lives here in the UK and has a daughter living in the US. She says she's pissed off because all of her holidays have to be in this particular (quite boring) place in the US. She really wants to see her daughter but due to funds she can only afford one holiday per year and resents the fact that she can't go anywhere else.

jacks11 · 01/01/2016 20:41

No, don't think YABU. There is nothing wrong with what you want.

I would suggest to your DH that you could do year about or something though? Family holiday 1 year, visit to PIL next year. Seems fair to me.

Re your PIL visits to you, if they want to spend more time with you/DH/DCs then they may need to put up with your spare room- or else accept that their time with you all will be limited. Not ideal, but that would be their compromise which would allow them to see you all more often.

Bodicea · 01/01/2016 20:45

Cricketballs that's a bit unfair on the op. She doesn't want to stop her family spending time with inlaws. She just wants a different proper family holiday for a change and can't afford to do both.
The inlaws can visit more if they want to. She isn't stopping them.

redexpat · 01/01/2016 20:46

Just say no and mean it. Holiday time is precious, and you are allowed to want to enjoy your own little family. I'd offer every other year if htey put up a fight. Are htey particularly old or in frail health? or do you have a good few years of seeing GC.

An alternative is to meet them somewhere for a joint holiday. Perhaps a family holiday type place.

Iggi999 · 01/01/2016 20:49

Cricket if they holiday elsewhere the dcs will still see the GPS as they visit as well. Everyone is different but for some like me holidays keep me going through the bad winter months - planning one, researching it, sorting out all the options. I'd struggle if that was taken away from me every year. My own family would get round this problem by offering to pay for us to visit them, so we could do both.

jacks11 · 01/01/2016 20:50

Cricket

I do think that is a bit harsh TBH.

I think the OP is entitled to want a family holiday that does not involve visiting PIL.

I'm sure her DC do love seeing their GP's. They'd probably also love a holiday somewhere new and exciting with their family.

She has said her DH understands her POV, although thinks they should still visit. Surely there has to be a compromise- e.g. visit PIL alternate years and have the PIL visit them the years they don't go? Why should OP never get the holiday she would like? Why should it always about what her DH or his parents would like?

Also note PIL don't like staying with OP's family when they visit- if they were all that bothered about it, surely the PIL could also compromise and put up with the spare room to spend more time with their son & DGC?

OP is not suggesting they never visit PIL again or banning PIL from coming to visit them, which would be unreasonable and selfish. All she is suggesting is sometimes going to somewhere of their choosing for a break with her DH and DC's.

Original poster
Sylviecat · 01/01/2016 20:58

cricketballs sorry to hear you have recently lost a parent. Thank you for your PoV as I guess I'm worried I'm being really unfair. But, part of me feels that they chose to move abroad to improve their lifestyle and the consequence of that is that they will see their children/grandchildren less..
We have always been v welcoming wrt them staying with us, they know they have an open invitation.

Your suggestion is a good one, jacks although I feel we are making a bit of a statement not visiting one (this?) year as this has been the norm.

My dp agrees with me, but his view is we just go every year while quietly resettling it as does not want to upset his dm.

OP posts:
BillBrysonsBeard · 01/01/2016 21:02

YANBU at all. They moved abroad, they need to visit more if they want to see the kids. You shouldn't be tied to going there every year! When finances are good again then maybe it would be feasible. Life is too short to not do what you want.
I say all this as someone who has inlaws abroad and I love them dearly. They understand we don't want to go there every year and it's on them to visit the UK more if they want to.

Original poster
Sylviecat · 01/01/2016 21:05

redexpat thank you. they are not elderly , only late 50's. Although they don't have much money (another consequence of choosing to retire v young!) so a family holiday somewhere else is probably out of the question. And - as imperial said - not exactly ideal!

OP posts:
Kinsman · 01/01/2016 21:05

How about 'we'd really like to go to X place on holiday this year as we've never taken the kids on a family holiday on our own but we would love to see you too so how would you feel about joining us there for the second week?' You can wrap it all up in a 'by the time you get there the kids will be nicely settled and relaxed when you get there and will be so excited about you joining us'.

diddl · 01/01/2016 21:10

I think that you need to tell them that you can't afford it this year & they are more than welcome to stay with you.

We are the ones who moved, but still didn't feel that all the visiting was down to us, especially as we had two young kids & it was a lot easier for people to come to us!

Plus we didn't want to use all annual leave on visiting!

DansonslaCapucine · 01/01/2016 21:23

My dh's father lives abroad. We've been once in a decade and won't be returning any time soon.

Holidays are a joint decision.

Licketysplit9 · 01/01/2016 21:25

I know exactly how you feel. It was a very similar situation in my family with my grandparents. We went to this rural villa with zero for children and though I have fond memories of it, ordinarily a family would not visit the exact same rural location in exactly the same country year in, year out. And we probably wouldn't have envisaged staying with grandparents for as long as a fortnight too. I did sometimes wonder about all the other destinations we might have been had we not gone there so much. We ended up going alternate years in the end and that worked a treat.

The fact is it can be lovely to spend a decent time with your relatives (and as a result of these holidays I am strangely closer to the nan who lived abroad and not so much to the one who lived half an hour away) but it won't feel lovely if you feel resentful.

So go somewhere else this year and feel absolutely no guilt knowing you will enjoy it even more the year after. Holidays are an opportunity to experience new places, new languages, perhaps new friends and also it is good to bond as the nuclear family on holiday. Get some balance to your arrangements is all.

RB68 · 01/01/2016 21:26

the thing is if you don't change something now you are stuck with going to them for your "holiday" for the next 10 or 20 years potentially. I think you do need to vary things a bit and not get into the habit of having holidays there - people always say oh its cheaper but you don't get a holiday really, there is nothing much to do other than visit etc. I would let it go at seeing them only twice this year and having a family holiday instead and confirm that you will go next or something

Misty9 · 01/01/2016 21:31

I know how you feel op as my mum and partner live abroad. Our situation is easier though as most family get togethers make eastenders look tame, so we don't exactly have the torn dilemma! We settle for every other year though as I do want my dc to have the opportunity for a better relationship with their gps. And they come here once or twice a year.

Could your in laws contribute some of the cost of visiting them? If that would enable you to have another break?

Killingmesoftly79 · 01/01/2016 21:33

We are exactly the same but is my parents who live abroad.

I love visiting my parents as do my children but as they have been out there for about 13 years, we have exhausted the local areas / attractions.

We were beginning to feel like we weren't getting a proper holiday. What we have done the last couple of years is to go over for two weeks, spend a few days with the at the beginning and then drive to a eurocamp for a week and then back to them for a few days. Feels like we get the best of both worlds then!