AIBU to not want to visit the in laws this year?

[Sylviecat]

So we've started thinking about holidays this year, and there's the ever contentious issue of visiting the in laws. They live abroad and have done for around 12 yrs.

Pre dc we could easily afford to visit them and have our own holidays. I used to feel a bit resentful of having to use precious annual leave but it was fine.

Now I'm a sahm with 2 small dc's. Finances are v tight. The last 4 yrs since dc 1 was born we have essentially sacrificed having a family holiday in order to be able to visit the in laws. In fact we have only ever had the odd weekend away -just the 4 of us, never a weeks holiday.

This yr I really want to go away just as a family. Mil has already started talking about us all going over in the summer and I just don't want to. But I feel mean as the dc's like going and I know they love seeing us. I feel that it was their decision to move and they should visit us more. Dp thinks we should go although understands.

Am I being really harsh if I stand my ground over this? I honestly don't know. Part of it is selfish as I'm so bored of visiting them. It's v rural/nothing to do/climate is no better than here.

Thanks all- good advice. I'm googling eurocamp sites now!

Who wants the ILs hanging around on a holiday?

Errrrr many families.

I know it isn't very MN but lots and lots of people do actually get on with their ILS

This is tough... I live abroad and my "holidays" (because despite working there is no way I could afford both family visits and a real holiday) for the last 10 or more years involve us visiting my family. I'd love a "proper" holiday but my family in the UK takes priority.
I know I'd feel a lot worse if it was inlaws tbh. So I maybe need to be a bit nicer to DP who tags along without a moan....

I wouldn't want all my holidays to be to the same place spending time with the same people. Just do something different this year as you want to, since you say your DP understands. Then do the in-laws thing next year. It doesn't sound as if your DP is insistent that you must go to see them every year.

YABU tho on the other hand, for complaining how they spend their holiday time when they come over to you ie preferring their own space in camper van. Thats nothing to do with you and they're not under your feet as it were. & they do at least come over its not a case of of them staying abroad and insisting you come to them is it. Just do "you" this year and stop watching what they do so much.

YABVU and quite selfish.

You begrudge spending money and time (despite the money not being yours and not working anyway so 52 weeks a year off) to allow your partner and children to see his mother and their grandparents.

I'd not be with a partner who did that, parents are very special and not around forever.

I'm guessing you don't plan on not visiting your family for the entire year?

Autumn that's a pretty shit attitude to take so you're saying every SAHM has no say in the family finances or holidays because it's not her money paying for it. I think it's very important to go on holiday and spend time together relaxing as a family so I don't think the OP is being unrealistic

despite the money not being yours and not working anyway so 52 weeks a year off

Ahem.

You mean the money being family money [being a SAHM means the family don't have to pay childcare costs] and working 52 weeks a year [when do you get 'annual leave' from being a SAHM exactly?].

OP - book yourself a camping hol and then tell them IF you can still afford it and have leave you will TRY and get over.

Really Autumn?

Op I get where you're coming from.

My in laws moved abroad three years ago and every holiday we've had since then has been in the area they live.

We have told them this will be our last year as ds starts secondary school and won't be able to take time off as easily. (We go in their winter which is still roasting, it'd too hot to go in July/August)

They're not pleased.... fill has made a huge fuss about us depriving the children of time with family, but that's not how I see it. Dh wants to take them other places, dd will soon be at the age she won't want to holiday with us.

We already have this year's trip booked but it will almost certainly be our last for a while.

Interestingly, dhs only sibling (no children) has never visited and isn't expected to.

"so basically you are saying that you don't want your DH and your DC to see their DP/DGP because you feel they should not have moved?"
Really, cricketballs? Perhaps you could rephrase that into 'PIL prioritise their animals over their son and grandchildren, insisting they spend all their holidays with them at their house rather than explore somewhere new, rather than arrange proper care for their animals.'

The PILs appear to want everything on their terms.

• They can't leave their animals in someone else's care
• They won't stay in the spare room
• They bring a camper van the OP can't accommodate on her drive
• They stay with other relatives

And yes, this is all down to PILs CHOICE to live abroad. They should have thought about how this would work before they went, and accepted the downsides as well as the upsides. It IS fucking selfish to insist that their family spend all their holidays with them. That's a visit, not a holiday. OP wants a holiday.

Fuck it. I think the OP is entitled to say 'This year, we do something different'.

If dh doesn't want to go either then it's reasonable to suggest that they make an extra visit to stay with you this year and then you can still go on a family holiday.

If where they live is nice and relaxing I'd just go. If the kids live it then you're making some really happy memories connected to one place. It depends what your holiday plans are but would it be sufficiently special to compensate for missing that?

I guess in imagining they retired to a French gite or Spanish apartment and imagining that you get the equivalent of a family holiday in your PILs home. If it's not like that and it's more cramped or uncomfortable and just not that relaxing then yanbu.

As a SAHM you need time off. That means someone else looking after you for a change. If it's just like home from home if might send you a bit crazy to never get any respite.

My other suggestion would be to think seriously about taking up part time work to afford a holiday as well as PIL based holiday. Whenever I am sad about not being able to afford something (a bigger house mainly) u remind myself I could work more to get more but it's my choice to work less and I'm happier for it. You need to decide if working less is worth it if if means sacrificing family holiday, and realise that you can't just blame if on PIL's decision to move.

Wow Autumn. I didn't realise as a SAHM I had 52 weeks off. And because I don't work I have no say in spending. I was under the misapprehension that I was in a partnership. Doh.

Moving abroad is a choice anyone should have the freedom to make, but I'm afraid once you make that choice, you don't get to dictate holiday destinations for your relatives for decades. That would indeed be selfish.

I think your PIL will understand.

I don't think you are being harsh. If your in-laws would like to see your DCs, they are equally free to visit you. If there is no money, where are you supposed to get it?