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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not put up with this shit any longer?

51 replies

KatySparkles · 01/01/2016 07:56

I really didn't want to start the new year off so negatively but...

In a nutshell, my husband is just so grumpy. Like a moody, sulky teenager. He didn't used to be, there's no way I would have married him tbh, but since DS1 arrived 7 months ago it seems to be his default setting.

It's not all day but usually first thing in the morning and definitely when he wakes in the night. Right now it's really dragging me down and I don't know how to approach the subject without it turning into an argument. I also feel like I do almost everything. The other day I was feeding DS in his highchair and I turned round and H was playing chess on his phone. He 'forgets' to empty the dishwasher when I'm putting him to bed every night and moans that he doesn't get an opportunity to play the PlayStation any more. He'll be 40 next year.

Last night we were in bed for 10:30 (DS from 7pm). He woke at 4am for a feed and took quite a long time to settle. Probably an hour. And then woke up again just before 7am and DH was huffing and puffing his head off that he didn't sleep in longer. I got up with him and told him to go back to bed and hopefully he wakes up in a better mood but I actually don't think 7am is an unreasonable time for a baby to get up!

AIBU to be actually considering LTB if he doesn't grow up???

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 01/01/2016 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 01/01/2016 08:07

What's he doing? The examples you've listed don't seem that bad.

Is it the man sulk when a new mother is so enthralled with her baby that they realise they're not going to get much attention for a long time? It can be a shock to a dude. They get over it eventually.

Enjolrass · 01/01/2016 08:07

The way he is behaving is not ok.

But I also think back to the first year of each of our kids lives and felt similar to him. I was knackered and didn't do as much as I should around the house.

When I went back to work I really did the bare minimum.

That said I didn't expect dh do it all instead. We both kind of justify shuffled through the best we could.

But I was beyond exhausted. One of the reasons we aren't having a third is because I cope so badly with lack of sleep. Even now I need a coffee before I am anywhere near perky on a morning.

Of course he could just be being a dick.

You need to have a serious talk. I would suggest that before going down the ltb route.

Saxons · 01/01/2016 08:10

4 and 7 is normal.

He needs to go to bed earlier if he needs more sleep.

Also he should be pulling his weight.

BoringlyRestrictive · 01/01/2016 08:15

I know how hard it is to live with someone who is endlessly grumpy and moody. The huffing and puffing sends me into a rage.
It's for everything.... Dd falls over - instead of running and seeming/acting concerned. He huffs and puffs with a huge annoyed exhale and it's as if it has pissed him off.

I know that the examples given don't seem huge in themselves but it's compounded by the moodiness and the teenage tantrums.

I would hazard a guess that nothing is his fault and everyone in the world is stupid?
That he complains about being tired all the time? Even when he has just slept?
That all your parenting methods are wrong yet he has no solutions or new methods himself?

I am about to file for divorce but I have other factors involved. Although one factor is his moodiness. It has worn me down and I can't bear it any longer

RedMapleLeaf · 01/01/2016 08:17

It can be a shock to a dude.

He's not a fucking dude. He's a parent and a partner.

Original poster

KatySparkles · 01/01/2016 08:17

I'm not quite at the LTB stage yet although the thought has crossed my mind fleetingly. It's just the sulking and moaning every single day about the pettiest of things. I realise in the grand scheme of things it's not abusive but the negativity is exhausting and it is sucking the joy out of our relationship. I agree I need to sit down with him and calmly ask him to man up.

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 01/01/2016 08:22

It's doesn't need to be abusive to be enough to leave. You f course can leave for any reason and this would be enough me if it continued.

But if he is a generally decent person, a talk is needed.

Not all of us cope with the changes a child brings with it in a good way. I didn't. Even the second one changed things that surprised me.

But if dh had sat me down and told me he was miserable I would made every effort to stop being a miserable twat.

Honestly the first year of both my kids life was so hard, for me. I know people miss the baby stage but I do t at all.

Hopefully once you have spoken he will see what a tit he is being and that he is being unreasonable.

Original poster

KatySparkles · 01/01/2016 08:22

And yes the hugely annoyed exhale at the smallest of things now makes me want to punch him in the face. He's still off work for Christmas holidays currently which is why I would expect a bit of help round the house instead of sitting on his arse moaning. Maybe I just need him to go back to work!

OP posts:

MrsHooolie · 01/01/2016 08:24

The huffing and puffing would wear me down too.
It's not like the baby is a bad sleeper and up all night is it?
Has he got many good points?

HoggleHoggle · 01/01/2016 08:25

Dh has become grumpier in the last few years and it is also wearing me down. He's also terrible on little sleep and the negativity with that I find very difficult. I know where you're coming from.

Could today be a good time to talk about it, from a ny's resolution perspective? Dh and I have agreed to be kinder to each other this year, we were arguing too much. On the grumpiness, I am trying to calmly and sympathetically challenge it when it occurs, so that it doesn't fester anymore. He does see where I'm coming from, which helps massively.

pinkdelight · 01/01/2016 08:27

The first year can be very tough when you're both tired. Are you on Mat leave? If he's working can he sleep in a spare room undisturbed? And then let you have a lie-in at the weekends and in the evenings too maybe? You need to work things out so you're both getting maximum kip, and sharing tasks fairly. Although you'll still be tired and he may still be grumpy, and perhaps you'll still bug him by complaining if he's playing phone chess (not sure what the problem there was). Also, surely he can play his console loads? Optimum time for that is looking after an under 12mo, surely??

sandgrown · 01/01/2016 08:28

Oh Boringly your comments remind me of my OH. I know how you feel! X

esiotrot2015 · 01/01/2016 08:29

I think this time of year is particularly tricky
You've spent probably too much time together whilst he's been off work and everything he does , even his breathing has started to annoy you
Plus you're both knackered and him being around all day makes you realise how much you do around the house
I would try to have a family day out today in the fresh air , a walk in the park or similar and when you're both in a good place just ask him why he's so grumpy & if everything is ok

Iagreewithmrsdevere · 01/01/2016 08:30

40 year old man with a baby does not get enough time on the playstation?
You have two kids in the house with you.

esiotrot2015 · 01/01/2016 08:30

Agree with pink delight too
My dh is 41 and plays ps4
Doesn't bother me as long as it's not in the day

gamerchick · 01/01/2016 08:39

He's still a 'fucking' man. The first year of a baby is like dropping a bomb on a relationship. Some people cope better than others.

If he's moaning a lot then get him told. But I still don't see what he's doing wrong other than him not pulling his weight.

And ffs leave off the LTB if a conversation with him hasn't happened yet.

RedMapleLeaf · 01/01/2016 08:40

He's still off work for Christmas holidays currently which is why I would expect a bit of help round the house instead of sitting on his arse moaning.

Have you spoken to him about all of this?? He's not a mind-reader.

peggyundercrackers · 01/01/2016 08:40

as others have said the first year is often the hardest bug at the same time it's harder when your DH is moaning all the time about petty things. Fwiw I don't see an issue with him playing on his phone if your feeding -that seems normal.

Why don't you try giving your ds1 a dream feed instead of getting up at 4am? It would help with both your sleep if you aren't getting up during the night.

Lostthefairytale · 01/01/2016 08:41

It's not ok but it's also relatively normal and it does usually pass. Everything about both your lives has totally changed. Lots of men, and women, struggle to adapt in the first year. He probably feels you've changed a lot too. Maybe rather than focusing on all the small things that are irritating you start talking and keep talking about how you are feeling about the huge life change that you've both experienced.

My DH is a wonderful husband and father but we had our hardest year ever this year after the birth of our second child. We've come out the other side now stronger than ever. You aren't alone in feeling this way, I know lots of my friends have, but they've all managed to find their way through.

RedMapleLeaf · 01/01/2016 08:42

Some people cope better than others.

Yes, and probably cope even better if the other parent isn't bringing everyone down with their whinging.

Caprinihahahaha · 01/01/2016 08:43

My DH is a bloody brilliant dad to our three children but while they were robbing us both of sleep I nearly fucking killed him.

gamerchick · 01/01/2016 08:44

Then don't put up with the whinging. It can turn into a nasty habit if it's not slapped down.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 01/01/2016 08:53

You should talk to him about exactly how you feel. I agree with the pp about maybe just agree on some New Years resolution. Being kind to each other is so important.
A lot of people forget to be kind to their partners. Little thoughtful gestures and a few kind spoken words can make a huge difference to day to day life along with both of you pulling your weight.
Does he go to bed late? He needs to go to bed earlier if he does.

Original poster

KatySparkles · 01/01/2016 09:19

The LTB comment was said slightly tongue in cheek...

The playing on his phone was whilst we were sat at the breakfast table and I was feeding him in his highchair. A bit of help with either tidying the kitchen, feeding our child or generally being present would have been nice.

I agree, he's not a mindreader. So I spoke to him when he got up. He's worried on how he's going to cope back at work on the lack of sleep and is going to start going to bed earlier. I'm also going to pull him up for moaning and not helping instead of bottling it up to avoid an argument.

Yes, our lives have changed immeasurably and I can assure you that I do not find any of it easy. But someone has to suck it up and get on with it and I'm not looking after two children.

OP posts:

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