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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not put up with this shit any longer?

51 replies

KatySparkles · 01/01/2016 07:56

I really didn't want to start the new year off so negatively but...

In a nutshell, my husband is just so grumpy. Like a moody, sulky teenager. He didn't used to be, there's no way I would have married him tbh, but since DS1 arrived 7 months ago it seems to be his default setting.

It's not all day but usually first thing in the morning and definitely when he wakes in the night. Right now it's really dragging me down and I don't know how to approach the subject without it turning into an argument. I also feel like I do almost everything. The other day I was feeding DS in his highchair and I turned round and H was playing chess on his phone. He 'forgets' to empty the dishwasher when I'm putting him to bed every night and moans that he doesn't get an opportunity to play the PlayStation any more. He'll be 40 next year.

Last night we were in bed for 10:30 (DS from 7pm). He woke at 4am for a feed and took quite a long time to settle. Probably an hour. And then woke up again just before 7am and DH was huffing and puffing his head off that he didn't sleep in longer. I got up with him and told him to go back to bed and hopefully he wakes up in a better mood but I actually don't think 7am is an unreasonable time for a baby to get up!

AIBU to be actually considering LTB if he doesn't grow up???

OP posts:
LilaTheTiger · 01/01/2016 09:38

I'm also going to pull him up for moaning and not helping instead of bottling it up to avoid an argument

Bit worried managing his behaviour is now you're responsibility too.

Maybe in future conversations you can ensure he is taking responsibility for not being a miserable arse and for doing his fair share helping indeed

Good luck OP.

LilaTheTiger · 01/01/2016 09:39

*Your. Bloody phone.

Travelledtheworld · 01/01/2016 09:54

Do you have a babysitter ?
Try and find some time to do something nice together occasionally, and keep talking. Good luck.

littleleftie · 01/01/2016 09:56

The whinging about not being able to play his playstation now is pathetic.

Was your baby planned?(sorry for asking)

I would have thought a conversation would have been had at some point about how everything would change? Or is he a misogynist who just assumed you would do everything and his life would carry on as normal?

Would it help if you made a long list of things you no longer have time for, and ways in which your life has changed? It seems as though he thinks you just fanny around all day attending the baby and he is, you know, suffering.

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2016 09:57

If that's the most your baby wakes up he can consider himself lucky.

Wait till the back teeth start coming...

Enjolrass · 01/01/2016 10:00

Bit worried managing his behaviour is now you're responsibility too.

I agree to a point. But most people have times they are a bit miserable and grumpy and don't really realise or think about it.

Fwiw I also get a bit miserable if I don't get time to mn for a few days.

Don't really see how this is different to playing PlayStation.

And quite honestly there are loads of things I can't do now I have kids, that makes me a but glum. Yes having kids is great. But I still miss my old life sometimes.

I think I come from this from a perspective that we are not all perfect. Sometimes we fall below the bar of what a good partner or parent is.

It depends on how things are as a whole on how it should be managed.

Hope things get better OP

Griphook · 01/01/2016 10:02

Thing is, he huffs and puffs like an over grown toddler and you tell him to go back to bed so all his huffing worked.
He made himself so unpleasant that you would rather pick up the slack.
But there nothing worse than one person doing all the work will the other looks on moaning about how tired they are.

RB68 · 01/01/2016 10:04

The thing is there is loads of time in a day if you are organised and get on with things. I object to moaning and grumpiness if people won't get out of bed and get on with things instead of moaning - 15 minutes being active and doing what needs done can make a huge difference to the rest of the day whereas slinking around in bed for an hour before getting up to slink about in pj's eating breakfast and drinking tea.

I am struggling a bit with the lack of structure to the day over the holidays and getting fed up with people sleeping in - but then this am am struggling to get up myself as we were up late last night - I decided good stuff has to start tomorrow!!! But it sounds like your talk has worked - and perhaps you could "reward him" with some evening time for playstation (sometimes they are a bit like big kids - but then aren't we all!!)

Dipankrispaneven · 01/01/2016 10:22

I take it he wanted children? What did he imagine was going to happen when the baby arrived? Did he seriously think it was going to sleep through the night? Does it occur to him that you missing out on sleep is rather more of an issue than him missing out on the Play Station?

PandoNoPants · 01/01/2016 10:26

Mine was/is like that. We had been together 5 years when I had DS (now 5) and it was like a bomb being dropped on our relationship. I'd had a bad experience with a CS and was very ill for a while (retained placenta) and DS had silent reflux. I think I was lucky if I got 3 broken hours sleep a night for about a year.

I did all the night wakings and used to go out first thing at the weekend with DS in the buggy for long walks so we didn't disturb DH. I coped with everything that being a new mum involved but not the constant moaning/whinging/sighing from DH. It is so incredibly draining.

I remember when DS was 3 months old and DH announced he was joining a band that would take up most of our/his weekends. So working all week and then that on top - my face must have been a fucking picture!

The band thing was very short lived and we are still together. I had to sit him down on numerous occasions and explain how his behaviour/moodiness made me feel.

He's been off work since Dec 17th and it's been a bit of a nightmare at times (I too sometimes look forward to 4th Jan because it's back to work!). The trouble is, because I am with DS(5) and DD(3) all of the time because I'm at home with them, they do respond differently to me. Cue grumbling/moaning/sighing x10000000000.

On the flip side (there is one, honest!) things improved greatly after the first year (we went on to have DD who is now 3!!). FIL is also King of the grumpy fuckers and DH hates it with a passion and tries hard not to be like that. He is aware that FIL had a huge negative impact on him growing up and doesn't want to turn into his own Father. It's an ongoing battle but at least he recognises it. Looking back, I also now believe DH had PND.

Definitely echo what wooden spoon said about kind gestures though. It does go a very long way. Sometimes we get lost and need to reconnect as husband and wife too. Please explain how you feel to him!

evilcherub · 01/01/2016 10:57

Maybe he has postnatal depression?

SanityClause · 01/01/2016 11:09

Yes, our lives have changed immeasurably and I can assure you that I do not find any of it easy. But someone has to suck it up and get on with it

And once again, it's amazing how the person that has to "suck it up" is female, and the male gets all the comments about "give him time", and "it's difficult for men".

Women get on with it, because they are expected to. Men (sometimes) don't, because they can get away with it.

Pilgit · 01/01/2016 11:10

There is a possibility he doesn't notice the negativity and grumpiness. It can become a habit. My DH is like this - when tired he's just grumpy (and his lack of sleep is nothing to do with the DC as they both sleep till late - odd children). He doesn't notice. I do pull him up on it especially wj r nit spills over into anger.

As to the game playing - my DH uses it to relax and unwind. So not getting time to do it means he doesn't relax - which makes him grumpier (and yes he is a grown man that should be able to control it but we all have methods of relaxation). But - he prioritises the DC, only plays violent games when they're in bed and seeks out games they can join in with. He does moan about getting less time BUT this is in the same vein as moaning about stretch marks or baby vomit on the couch cushions - it is an inevitable and slightly shit down side of having children. It's not something he expects me or the universe to do anything about.

A calm conversation about all this - focusing on feelings and not each others shortcomings would probably be a good place to start. But if anyone has suggestions on how to combat my grumpy I'm all ears!

Geraniumred · 01/01/2016 11:11

The first year can be really, really hard. DH and I 'did' an hour on and an hour off, meaning at weekends , if we weren't out, one of us would have dd for an hour while the other did whatever was needed - sleeping or a bit of housework etc. Hopefully you can talk to your DH about how you both feel.

cailindana · 01/01/2016 11:19

OP how dare you expect an Important Man to take any notice of your needs! He gave you his Blessed Seed, what more can you expect!! You now have to do your duty - you carried the baby, gave birth to it and now you have to do absolutely everything while your Important Man grumps around and plays games, as is his right.

MadamCroquette · 01/01/2016 11:21

*He's still off work for Christmas holidays currently which is why I would expect a bit of help round the house instead of sitting on his arse moaning.

Have you spoken to him about all of this?? He's not a mind-reader.*

He shouldn't have to read her mind - they are both at home, not at work, there's a baby to look after and jobs to be done. If she has to tell him to do every little thing and then he huffs and sulks as well, it's just reinforcing his view that he shouldn't really have to do any of it.

And both he and OP need to stop seeing it as "help" - these aren't her jobs that he is helping with, they are domestic jobs, ansd when they are both at home they should be shared. If OP can work out the dishwasher needs emptying, so can he.

And agree with Sanity - yes it's difficult and a big adjustment having a baby - for women as well as men. Harder for women as there are huge demands on their bodies too. Yet women are expected to just get on with it.

I'd sit this bloke down and tell him what is expected of him - to do his share without being told is for starters. If necessary make lists of what you both do domestically, including all tasks - childcare, housework, admin, present buying, everything. When he's not at work, and you've done what you can while you are in sole charge of DS, the jobs are for you both to share.

cailindana · 01/01/2016 11:26

I wonder who's speaking to the OP and telling her how to empty the dishwasher or look after the baby? I mean she's not a mind reader either.Or maybe, just maybe, she's acting like a grown adult and just getting on with things herself without anyone pointing things out to her all the time.

GoblinLittleOwl · 01/01/2016 11:31

I am increasingly shocked by the way so many new fathers behave towards their children and their wives, after years of apparent equality in education and work and sharing everything ie bills, mortgages, household maintenance etc.

I think you should have a serious fit of post-natal depression, brought on by sleep deprivation, and destroy the playstation, x box, chess game etc.
The fact that these men can sit and play childish games when they should be interacting with their offspring and helping in their home appals me. Seriously.

Kuppenbender · 01/01/2016 11:39

Sounds like typical symptoms of depression. So yeah, LTB!

This forum's incredible.

ilovesooty · 01/01/2016 11:39

I think that suggestion about destroying all other avenues of activity is seriously over the top.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 01/01/2016 11:44

I hardly think someone has to be a mind reader to figure out that they should be doing more domestic stuff when they're off than they do when they're working. OP seems to have managed to figure it out for herself and I'm going to assume she isn't psychic.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 01/01/2016 12:20

I agree that it should be blatantly obvious to him that he needs to help out more, but unfortunately it isn't.
Whether it's because he's never had to and it just doesn't even cross his mind or that he's a selfish, lazy arse, op needs to talk to him about it.
It's not about what should be happening but what needs to happen now.
If he needs it made obvious to him then so be it. It's worth a go.

Fairenuff · 01/01/2016 12:26

I don't know how to approach the subject without it turning into an argument

This is the only thing I can see that might be a problem OP. The first year with a baby is hard. For everyone.

Being able to talk is the single most important aspect of a relationship. It will get you through the hard times.

All you need to do is tell him what you've told us. The specifics. He should be able to listen and take it on board. And you should be able to do the same for him.

Start by saying what you said above; 'I want to talk to you but I don't want an argument. When would be a good time for a chat?'

If he is grumpy about it, say; 'It's important, I really need you to listen to me and I want to hear from you too.'

Don't blame, shout, use sarcasm, swear or bang things. If it starts to gets heated agree to take a ten minute break and come back to the discussion.

Remind each other that you are trying to resolve something so that you will both be happier.

If you can't do this then, yes, the relationship could be in trouble.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 01/01/2016 12:39

Yy to the above poster. I'd also remind him that you need to work as a team. There has to be give and take on both your parts.
Draw up a plan if you have to.

Clutterbugsmum · 01/01/2016 12:59

So I spoke to him when he got up. He's worried on how he's going to cope back at work on the lack of sleep Sorry I don't get this, Your baby is 7mths not a new born. What's he been doing for the last 7 months.

He just have to do what every other parent does, just get on with it. Sorry your lucky your baby only wakes once a night.

As for not helping around the house, then stop doing things for him. He doesn't clear up after dinner then don't cook him dinner.