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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want 19 yr old DD to go out tonight?

77 replies

WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy · 31/12/2015 14:39

She had no plans until yesterday (despite me telling her to make some) and now she and a friend are planning on travelling to the nearest city which is 40 mins away. DD/friend do not know this city. She thinks they will be able to get into a club (have told her clubs will probably be tickets only) and will not have a problem getting a cab back and it will not cost £££s. I have tried to book one and been told there are no slots until 4am at the earliest.

She is planning to blow all her money (£140) on this night out and still expects me or DH to drive her to her friends (30 mins drive) tonight and pick her up tomorrow as she will not have enough for a taxi there. I don't want to, I want us to relax on NYE ourselves (DH at work til late so it will be me doing it.)

She is at college, has a part time job but keeps every penny for herself. She is given lifts to and from work. She does not even pay for her phone contract - she has also just smashed her phone for the 3rd time this year and says she will wait a few weeks before paying to get it fixed (£70) as she will have to save for it. In the meantime she expects to 'borrow' her younger brother's. She has been the cause of a lot of tension in the house this Xmas due to her foul temper.

I am worried about her being stranded and having to go out in the early hours to get her. I would not mind her going out locally as it's a 5 min drive to town centre clubs here. I am also furious she wants to blow all that money.

DH thinks I am BU and a killjoy?

OP posts:
CherryPits · 31/12/2015 14:41

YANBU. But you should have cut the financial cord a little while ago.

Maybe the New Years resolution for your family is for her to take on more responsibility for her own expenses.

LordBrightside · 31/12/2015 14:41

You can't stop her and trying to will only cause aggro. You just have to stand back.

£140 is not enough for a night out like that though. Maybe 10 years ago and even then it's a stretch.

duckyneedsaclean · 31/12/2015 14:42

It's new year, yabu. Just make it clear you won't be collecting her.

TaliZorah · 31/12/2015 14:42

YABU. Why does she need £140 though? I haven't spent more than £10 on a night out for ages and I'm not much older than your daughter

Birdsgottafly · 31/12/2015 14:46

It depends on what city they are in whether "£140 is enough".

I think your being a killjoy, I wouldn't think to interfer in my 19 year olds life to that extent.

She doesn't ruin anything with her temper, though and is very mature, she's also well travelled, so I wouldn't have a worry about her in the UK.

Time for you to take a step back and for her to start to behave like an adult.

mrsfuzzy · 31/12/2015 14:46

she wants to be independent but relies/expects for help on a whim. my 20y dd does her own thing, has to sort herself out with college and pt work. your dd needs to be encourage to do the same. could she geta lift with a teetotal friend ? why should you be the taxi ?

D0ntLookD0wn · 31/12/2015 14:46

Presumably you don't drink Tali? £10 wouldn't even be 1/2 of my taxi fair never mind entry and drinks.

NoodleNuts · 31/12/2015 14:46

YABU it's New Year and she is only young, let her get on with it as long as you make it clear you wont be picking her up.

TaliZorah how on earth do you have a night out and not spend more than £10? I guess you don't drink and always drive there and back. I can easily spend loads more than that without even trying.

TaliZorah · 31/12/2015 14:48

I only normally have 1 drink if that and use public transport or if staying over stay at a friends. Can't imagine spending £140!

Birdsgottafly · 31/12/2015 14:48

Tali, what do you have, two lemonades and a packet of crisps and walk home?

I often but a bottle of wine, in a pub, but the cheapest is £10 and not on NYE.

£140 isn't an excessive amount on a special night out.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 31/12/2015 14:48

I live near Birmingham and work near London and there are tickets left for clubs in both places - on the door prices tend to be a pound more, so £11 rather than £10, but not bank breaking.

If you don't want to/can't take her or pick her up, tell her that, and make it clear that you won't be changing your mind and she needs to find alternate transport.

If the £140 is hers, it's up to her whether she blows it all on this - if you'd like to start charging her rent/getting her to contribute to food/etc, talk to her about it tomorrow and implement it for 2016. Telling her how to spend her money is likely to get her back up, though.

Taxi-wise, they don't like to be pre-booked between 11pm and 3am here, because they get more business from revellers falling out of clubs. There are usually more than enough. Make sure she knows how to get a taxi safely, and the new "take a photo of the driver and reg number" campaign for tonight is pretty good. A decent taxi driver won't mind.

Pick your battles. This one feels like you don't want her to go because of a culmination of issues, she will rebel against it and want to go because she'll get Fear Of Missing Out otherwise, and you'll all be unhappy. Leave the other issues to be sorted tomorrow/later, and make sure she's safe tonight.

Birdsgottafly · 31/12/2015 14:49

X post, most people don't have one drink and especially on NYE.

Hotpatootietimewarp · 31/12/2015 14:50

I wouldn't stop her going but would be making it clear that it is also New Year's Eve for you too so will not be collecting her, what if you wanted to have a drink or go out yourself?? At that age she should be making arrangements for getting there and back and making sure she has enough money, if not she doesn't go.

TaliZorah · 31/12/2015 14:50

Birds a glass of wine/shandy or sparkling fruit drink?

I can understand £50 but £140 is mind boggling

Spilose · 31/12/2015 14:51

I live somewhere desperately un exciting when it comes to night life but even here £10 would maybe get a drink and entry to one place. Club drink prices, club entry on NYE and travel ETC I can see £140 easily being spent. She can do what she wants but I wouldn't be giving her a lift.

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2015 14:51

Just make it clear you can't pick her up (have a couple of glasses of wine and then you definitely can't!) She's 19, it's your fault that you're still paying everything for her, she won't pay it if it's not expected. She's a grown up, it's her £140 to spend as she wishes. You can't complain that you're still paying for her phone as surely no ones forcing you to!

MyIronLung · 31/12/2015 14:52

My dd, also nearly 19, was going to go out in the city tonight but has instead opted to go round a friends (there's a few girls going) and spend the night in their pjs, eating and drinking. This idea sounds much more sensible than her previous one of going to a club and spending £££ getting off her face wasted .
I'm also relieved because I worry and I think NYE night will be crazy in the clubs!

As for the attitude and money issues, you're not alone! I love dd dearly but I can quite honestly say I don't always like her. She can be amazingly selfish and self centred. I'm putting it down to age and hoping it passes!

LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2015 14:53

If she wants to go you can't stop get but you can make it clear you won't be the one giving her a lift - that us her responsibility to get a taxi, and if she can't afford that she can't go. But I suspect you will be, you say she "keeps all get money", that's up to you but if it was me I would be asking for a token amount of dig money seeing as she works.

LaurieFairyCake · 31/12/2015 14:53

I'd offer to drop her at her mates now or very soon if I wanted to offer.

There are still buses running right now.

Do not do anything you don't want to do. You can't stop her but you can decide what you want to offer.

If she starts whinging or wanting more tell her to sort herself out, she's an adult.

PotteringAlong · 31/12/2015 14:53

£60 taxis (there and back),
£10 entry
£70 drinks

£140 as a minimum on New Year's Eve for that kind of night out!

LaurieFairyCake · 31/12/2015 14:53

I'd offer to drop her at her mates now or very soon if I wanted to offer.

There are still buses running right now.

Do not do anything you don't want to do. You can't stop her but you can decide what you want to offer.

If she starts whinging or wanting more tell her to sort herself out, she's an adult.

LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2015 14:54

And why are you paying for her phone??

MyIronLung · 31/12/2015 14:57

Where we are (not London or any of the other big cities) it's £29 to get into the club dd likes.
On a normal night out she can blow £70-80 so NYE would probably be double that (that's not including taxis...). Drinks on a non-special night can be around £15 for 2 (buying in rounds).

Luckily I don't fund this no way in hell so what she does with her money is her choice but I do cringe and feel a bit peed off sometimes. I go out maybe 2-3 times a year because I can't afford it.

comingintomyown · 31/12/2015 14:59

She's 19 and can spend her money how she likes, it's your choice to pay her phone etc.

I would just reiterate you won't be driving anywhere tonight or tomorrow whether she gets stranded or not and please may she not wake you up in the night with phone calls.

I often worry I'm too strict with my DC but then a thread like this makes me realise I'm not because if I wasn't my now 16 yo DD would just walk all over me re things like money and lifts.

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 15:01

I have a DD that age.

To be honest, I am not nearly so invested in what she does. I know she takes her personal safety seriously and you say your DD will be with a friend.

No way would I agree to ferry her about on NYE though. If she wants to go out she makes her own arrangements.

You also say she is "foul" and causes tension, but still you are giving her lifts and allowing her to use DS mobile? Fuck that! You appear to be enabling her bad behaviour.

If DH thinks it's fine to run her around let him do it. I wouldn't even get into an argument about it.

No is a complete sentence - and give DS his phone back!