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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want 19 yr old DD to go out tonight?

77 replies

WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy · 31/12/2015 14:39

She had no plans until yesterday (despite me telling her to make some) and now she and a friend are planning on travelling to the nearest city which is 40 mins away. DD/friend do not know this city. She thinks they will be able to get into a club (have told her clubs will probably be tickets only) and will not have a problem getting a cab back and it will not cost £££s. I have tried to book one and been told there are no slots until 4am at the earliest.

She is planning to blow all her money (£140) on this night out and still expects me or DH to drive her to her friends (30 mins drive) tonight and pick her up tomorrow as she will not have enough for a taxi there. I don't want to, I want us to relax on NYE ourselves (DH at work til late so it will be me doing it.)

She is at college, has a part time job but keeps every penny for herself. She is given lifts to and from work. She does not even pay for her phone contract - she has also just smashed her phone for the 3rd time this year and says she will wait a few weeks before paying to get it fixed (£70) as she will have to save for it. In the meantime she expects to 'borrow' her younger brother's. She has been the cause of a lot of tension in the house this Xmas due to her foul temper.

I am worried about her being stranded and having to go out in the early hours to get her. I would not mind her going out locally as it's a 5 min drive to town centre clubs here. I am also furious she wants to blow all that money.

DH thinks I am BU and a killjoy?

OP posts:
littleleftie · 31/12/2015 15:29

Sorry, forgot the Flowers

maryann1975 · 31/12/2015 15:30

I don't think you can stop her going out, she is an adult. You can say you won't take her to her friends and she has to get there by her own means and that you won't be offering lifts for the night. when I was that age I would have thought my parents most unreasonable if they had said I couldn't go somewhere, but I did have to take responsability for getting myself to and from places as my parents didn't view themselves as my taxi (quite rightly and we lived rurally). Be warned that if she can't get to where she wants to be and ends up staying in she may well be in a really foul mood and ruin your evening anyway.

I do think she needs to start taking financial responsability for herself though. If she wants a phone contract she should be paying for it herself.in the real world you have o earn enough money to pay for the lifestyle you want.

Original poster
WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy · 31/12/2015 15:31

I was also had my drink spiked and woke up with a guy on top of me when I was 22. Bastard gave me an STD.

It is shit little. Sorry to hear you and your DD suffered. I know what you mean about not letting it cast a shadow. Hard though.

OP posts:
HanYOLO · 31/12/2015 15:33

Och, I can hear the anxiety in your post and of course you have reasons for it. I'm sorry you have had so much trauma.

I am a worrier too, but going out is normal, you did it. Trust her, trust her friendships and let it be.

pocketsaviour · 31/12/2015 15:35

OP I agree with Leftie that a different therapist (or a different approach) could work for you. You really don't deserve to be having to carry this anxiety around for the rest of your life, and you really need to have a coping mechanism in place for when your DD does move out. I'm so sorry for your past loss Flowers

sleeponeday · 31/12/2015 15:44

Oh OP. No advice (my own are small) but I am so very sorry for your loss. In context, you're doing well, I think. You've lived what all parents fear already, of course your anxieties are heightened.

I hope you do, in the end, enjoy tonight. Flowers

SSargassoSea · 31/12/2015 15:46

At least it isn't below freezing temp like usual NYE.

Remember to lay down the rules well beforehand next year. Eg say you are going out and can't drop off etc.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/12/2015 15:49

I haven't been through anything like you have OP, and I worry about my DS also aged 19. He had plans to go up to london tonight clubbing. I am not sad that his plans have fallen through and he's now staying at home.

MyIronLung · 31/12/2015 15:51

Op, I understand the worry. This last year I've really had to work on letting it go and most of the time now I manage it but it's still hard.
I've also come very very close to losing a child (ds) and to be honest I haven't ever been the same. I'm now quite anxious and realise that horrible things can just happen, so rather than helping the anxiety, it's made it worse!

Another thing I've had to work on is not texting her all the time Grin. I'll normally allow myself one text early on in the evening ( " hi dd! Hope you're have a lovely time. See you tomorrow xx) and then (assuming I get a reply) I'll leave it. I don't ever interfere with any plans she has but she does know that I like to know she's ok.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

AlwaysBeYourself · 31/12/2015 15:53

Thing is you can lay down your law, as in that you will not collect her but when it comes to it, you most probably will. You would prefer to collect her even in the early hours than think she is walking home or dossing somewhere. A young man here was walking home from the nearest big town early this year in the early hours of the morning and he got hit and killed by a car. Its hard isn't it but at the end of the day their safety is what matters, doesn't it?

MySordidCakeSecret · 31/12/2015 16:05

YANBU I wouldn't be driving her anywhere tonight, if she's old enough to do this then she can make her own way to her friends!

notquitehuman · 31/12/2015 16:08

The silly and irresponsible 19 year old me (that's still deep inside somewhere!) would say she should go for it. Nothing worse than staying in for NYE when you're young. But the grown up sensible mum side of me says don't give her a lift! She'll have to make her own way and spend less on drinks if she wants a cab.

She might be queueing outside for a long time if she doesn't have a ticket though. Most places round here book way in advance and often sell out.

x2boys · 31/12/2015 16:18

Would it be cheaper for them to stay in a cheap b and b for the night assuming you could get a b and b it being nye,and all !

Namechangenell · 31/12/2015 16:23

When I was 19, I'd travelled half way round the world on my own. She's an adult!

Trills · 31/12/2015 16:24

Wanting to go out where she chooses with her own money - reasonable

Expecting lifts to and from a friend's - may be reasonable depending on precedent, if not she'll manage to make other arrangements

Expecting brother's phone to be at her disposal because she smashed hers - not reasonable, her problem not his

Greengardenpixie · 31/12/2015 16:44

I can appreciate as a parent that you have concerns.
My children are all in their mid to late twenties and I would still worry about them when they come back for a visit.
I have often said to them that it is very difficult to get a taxi home on NY eve. They have ignored my comment and learnt the hard way. Sometimes they have to experience it to realise it!!! Infact, with many things over the years i have come to realise that saying it to them has no impact. They learn by doing annoyingly sometimes. You can always relish in the fact of 'I told you so' later!

BonnieF · 31/12/2015 17:22

Your daughter is an adult.

She can, and should, make her own decisions about what to do on NYE, or how to spend her money. She is an adult, so it's up to her. Similarly, you don't have to provide a taxi service for her. She is an adult, after all.

If my mum had tried to tell me what do do at that age, she would have got a very blunt reply from her adult offspring.

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 17:30

YANBU to worry and have all of these concerns. Especially the distance and new year cabs etc. I would feel the same if it was my son.
In saying that, she is 19 and basically can do what she likes. Shes an adult.
When I was 16 I had a full time job in the City of London commuting every day and going out getting pissed after work with colleagues. Im 48 now by the way.
There is not much you can do to be honest. Bloody teenagers are a worry.

Donge13 · 31/12/2015 18:19

Yanbu to worry but at her age I did the same and always ended up at a party . Mine do the same to me now!

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2015 19:40

Yes she is an adult and can spend her money how she wants, but she has to take responsibility fr her getting there. It's your evening/ day and you have every right to enjoy it. She either finds a mate(s) to share a taxi, tgere and back, or cannot go.

Andylion · 31/12/2015 19:42

she has also just smashed her phone for the 3rd time this year and says she will wait a few weeks before paying to get it fixed (£70) as she will have to save for it. In the meantime she expects to 'borrow' her younger brother's.
Expecting to borrow her brother's phone certainly makes her sound entitled but you couldn't refuse her, (or allow him to refuse her) as you would not want her to be out on NYE without one. You need to have a talk with her tomorrow about some changes, i.e. she will be paying for her own phone and is responsible for getting herself to and from work.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/12/2015 19:43

If she don't find anybody else to go with or take a taxi, she can't go, that's the reality, or you will be forever ferrying her about. It's not teaching her responsibility. If your kind you coukd do one journey, but that's it.

mumslife · 31/12/2015 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 31/12/2015 21:21

You wanted her to go out now she is you are moaning i dont understand id tell her to keep taxi fare to get home tomorrow and tell her to have a nice night. Tbh its your doing that she expects lifts why are you lifting and laying a 19yr old to work rod for your own back springs to mind,

ohtheholidays · 01/01/2016 01:05

Last time I went into town on NYE was about 10 years ago and I paid £25 for a ticket to get into a pub/club,the taxi home cost us £45 for about a 20 minute journey and we didn't come home with any change from £200.