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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want 19 yr old DD to go out tonight?

77 replies

WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy · 31/12/2015 14:39

She had no plans until yesterday (despite me telling her to make some) and now she and a friend are planning on travelling to the nearest city which is 40 mins away. DD/friend do not know this city. She thinks they will be able to get into a club (have told her clubs will probably be tickets only) and will not have a problem getting a cab back and it will not cost £££s. I have tried to book one and been told there are no slots until 4am at the earliest.

She is planning to blow all her money (£140) on this night out and still expects me or DH to drive her to her friends (30 mins drive) tonight and pick her up tomorrow as she will not have enough for a taxi there. I don't want to, I want us to relax on NYE ourselves (DH at work til late so it will be me doing it.)

She is at college, has a part time job but keeps every penny for herself. She is given lifts to and from work. She does not even pay for her phone contract - she has also just smashed her phone for the 3rd time this year and says she will wait a few weeks before paying to get it fixed (£70) as she will have to save for it. In the meantime she expects to 'borrow' her younger brother's. She has been the cause of a lot of tension in the house this Xmas due to her foul temper.

I am worried about her being stranded and having to go out in the early hours to get her. I would not mind her going out locally as it's a 5 min drive to town centre clubs here. I am also furious she wants to blow all that money.

DH thinks I am BU and a killjoy?

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 31/12/2015 15:03

If your DH thinks you're a killjoy, he can pick her up!

medalsforeveryone · 31/12/2015 15:05

I'd cry if i wasted £140 on NYE.

Silvercatowner · 31/12/2015 15:06

Turn your phone off and go to bed. If she's stranded and has to walk home then it will be a valuable life lesson.

Original poster

WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy · 31/12/2015 15:06

Taxi is £50 one way before midnight. God knows how much she will be charged on the way back.

I guess a lot of it is my anxiety about clubs being busy, her getting separated from friend, running out of money for a cab, getting wasted and being vulnerable and being so far from home.

Her friend is not local and when they go out, they tend to go out to places quite far away which makes me anxious as I won't be able to get to her if she needs me quick enough. I wouldn't mind so much if she went out locally - we live in quite a large town.

I have had a lot of anxiety about this since she turned 18 and started going out drinking. She is only just 19.

I will spend the whole night on tenterhooks and won't be able to sleep. I wanted to have a few drinks too.

Why can't she just stay in until she's 40 FFS!

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 31/12/2015 15:09

YANBU. DS1 (18) is going to a friend's party tonight, which is fine, but I wouldn't be keen on him going farther afield without a pre-booked taxi home.

He will be out with his girlfriend and, as her mum doesn't drive, all of the emergency pick ups fall to me.

I know that if they were outside of reasonable walking distance, on NYE, with no taxi or lift home booked I'd probably not have a drink myself just in case the emergency "mum, we're stuck" call came in. We are semi-rural. If the last bus has gone (around 10pm) & there are no taxis to be had you are completely out of options.

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2015 15:09

'She is only just 19' that isn't that young, I bet she is more capable then you give her credit for. Loads of 19 year olds have been living alone for over a year and she will never learn and grow up without being trusted to be the adult she is.

KwickNC · 31/12/2015 15:09

£140 sounds about right for nye maybe less than what lots of my friends would spend!

Don't envy the whole taxi situation at all! It used to be a nightmare and I used to stay out till 7/8am (I'm 25 now and talking like It was forever ago!)

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2015 15:11

They'll just get chilly waiting for a taxi, that is all.

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 15:12

gently Do you suffer from anxiety generally OP?

Is there an underlying reason for your anxiety about something bad happening to DD?

If so, counselling may help? She is going to go out, and will eventually leave home and you won't know what she is doing. You don't want to spend your whole life on tenterhooks I am sure.

If this is a one off then you do need to accept that she is an adult, and is responsible for her own safety. You do seem to infantilise her - ferrying her to and from work, allowing her foul temper. You aren't painting the picture of a very pleasant young woman, and I wonder if you pulled back a bit, a more independent and likeable woman would emerge?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 31/12/2015 15:12

If the taxi is £50 before midnight & she intends to get one back after 12am on NYE then I don't think she has enough money TBH - even with £140!

Ridiculous as that is.

mrsfuzzy · 31/12/2015 15:12

'coming' totally agree with you, re being firm but fair, some people drift into to being taxis and banks for their dc even when they can't afford to, it doesn't give the dc's encouragment to get independent.

medalsforeveryone · 31/12/2015 15:13

They are better off pooling their money together to book a room in the local premier inn or travelodge than do the taxi thing i reckon.

mumeeee · 31/12/2015 15:13

YABU to not want her to go out but Yanbu to not want to give her lifts. Let her sort out herself how she is going to get to this town. Give her a lift to her friends if you want to but not if you don't. I would let her spend her £140 if she wants but from now on she should pay her own phone contract and she should not be borrowing her brothers phone. Presumably she won't get stranded to night as she'll be with her friend.

DinosaursRoar · 31/12/2015 15:18

She's not 5. She's 19, many 19 year olds have left home for uni towns and are managing to get to/from night outs without their parents fretting.

She'll be fine. Make it clear you will be having a drink so not able to come out and get her, then leave it to her. She's an adult. If she ends up crashing at her friends, so be it.

they have mobiles to contact each other. Just stop making a fuss that doesn't need to be. Were you completely incapable at that age of getting yourself to/from a night out?

Boutonneux · 31/12/2015 15:19

YABU, she's young, let her enjoy herself now while she's got no real responsibilities to tie her down.

My daughter is 20 so similar age and I barely get involved in her social life (unless it's outfit advice!). I mean this in the kindest way, you need to take a step back and let her grow up. If you don't let her do these things she'll never learn how to do them.

Greengardenpixie · 31/12/2015 15:20

mmm...i had my own babies at 19!!!
I agree, let her ferry herself!
You kind of need to cut the strings. I know its hard but she is a young adult.

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2015 15:21

If it's £50 for the taxi before midnight, she's out of her league.

Why doesn't her friend come over and they could both go to the local clubs and stay over at yours?

I wouldn't want her to stay in, though - she'd make your life a misery.

leaningtoweroflego · 31/12/2015 15:21

She's 19. You may not approve, but she's an adult.

HanYOLO · 31/12/2015 15:21

You may not approve but you have to let her go (in oh so many ways)

FWIW by 18 I was living away from home and entirely self-sufficient. Scatty but getting by. Many people are parents by her age.

It's her call, respect that it is her decision to make. You can "not want her to go" but don't ruin it for her by being all disapproving. Being 19 is about the only time NYE is any good.

NerrSnerr · 31/12/2015 15:22

Back in my pre children days (she's only 1 so not too long ago) we would spend new year out with friends in different towns and cities. We never booked taxis and we always got home, we sometimes had to wait but taxi drivers will continue to work while there are people waiting as it's good business! Tell her to keep her taxi money in her boot (or bra if she's brave enough to go out in strappies).

Original poster

WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy · 31/12/2015 15:23

Yes, I do suffer from anxiety generally. I read news stories about terrible things happening to young women and worry that the same fate will befall DD. Mind you I read news stories about terrible things happening to young boys and worry about the DSs too.

I don't generally prevent them from doing stuff, just accept all the panic symptoms. I know it's my problem but I get myself into a complete mess worrying that it will be my fault if something goes wrong. I should be able to foresee it and prevent it . It's a fucking nightmare. Underlying reason probably because DD almost died when she was 4 and our 2nd child died.

Had therapy. Doesn't work.

I won't stop her going out. I want her to have fun. Just sick of worrying!

OP posts:

inlovewithhubby · 31/12/2015 15:27

In one way, I totally understand your natural instinct to worry about your daughter, we girls know the scrapes we got into ourselves and want to shield our children from those life lessons. But that's what they are - lessons. If you don't cut the umbilical soon, you'll be creating a fully formed adult who is unable to stand on her own, by the sounds of it perfectly capable, feet.

The phone goes back to brother - why should he sacrifice his that he has looked after?

Don't give her lifts - she has to learn to navigate life on her own. I never once called my 'emergency' parents for lifts and started going out well before 18. You walk home once and learn a lesson, you have fewer drinks next time, you leave on the last bus, etc. How can she learn to prioritise her money if she knows you will always step in? You say she's moody but that's completely normal for 19. Life is a bubble of immediacy around them. Give her your reasonable boundaries and treat her as an adult and she may just respect you more.

And yabvvvvu for not wanting her to go out. That's odd, she's an adult and you are treating her like a 5 year old. Fine to think it internally but totally unreasonable if you communicate that to her in any way. But fine to rant on mumsnet obviously!

Original poster

WhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhyOhWhy · 31/12/2015 15:27

At her age I had left home a year ago and used to walk miles home half cut on my own before I moved out as spent all money on booze.

OP posts:

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 15:28

I wondered if that was it OP.

I was raped at 17 by a total stranger in a car park when I was out drinking. My eldest DD was raped by someone she vaguely knew in her own home after he followed her off the bus (she hadn't locked the door behind her)

I cannot and will not allow these events to cast a shadow over my other childrens lives. I know it's really hard, but it just isn't fair. By picking up all the slack for DD and infantilising her, you are making life difficult for all of you.

Could you try a different therapist? It's so important to get one you connect with.

I hope your DD has a fabulous, and safe night out.

inlovewithhubby · 31/12/2015 15:29

Just crossed with your last message Ohwhy - I think that explains a lot. I'm so sorry for your loss too. Try to relax. We were all irresponsible teenage cows once and most of us turn out ok. Try not to worry too much tonight - a few relaxing drinks should be on the cards for you too.

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