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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit 🙄

46 replies

inlovewithhubby · 31/12/2015 12:10

Having a nye party, kids and grown ups, all in. Been asked by a friend not to have fireworks or balloons because her DCs are scared of them. My own children were the same and we just exposed them to them naturally until they outgrew it. We didn't avoid parties and certainly didn't add provisos to other people's. AIBU to think that aversion therapy is the best form of medicine?

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2015 12:12

It's your party, if you want balloons and fireworks have them.

Have you told your friend that you are having them?

MaidOfStars · 31/12/2015 12:12

This sounds like a 'her' problem, not a 'you' problem.

Floralnomad · 31/12/2015 12:13

I don't know about aversion therapy being best but YANBU to have balloons and fireworks at your party , if her DC don't like them then she needs to stay away not expect everyone else to conform .

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2015 12:14

Well the aversion therapy question aside, your friend is very rude.

If their DCs are scared of fireworks, it's down to the parents to either keep them inside the house when they're being let off, or to simply not attend the party.

Equally, they need to ask the other party goers not to bat balloons to their children.

Probably easier not to attend

MangoBiscuit · 31/12/2015 12:14

What MaidOfStars said. If you're planning on having them, just tell her that you're sorry, but you've already bought them and your kids are really looking forward to them. Perhaps fish out any spare ear muffs you have.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 31/12/2015 12:15

YANBU to think that exposure little and often to balloons etc would help with their fear.

However, a party hardly fills that criteria, does it? If you're a caring friend who wants to have her and her DCs there, then not having balloons or fireworks is hardly a big deal.

Fireworks are for November 5 anyway

Floggingmolly · 31/12/2015 12:16

That's a bit cheeky . If your kids won't enjoy some aspect of a party, you decline the invitation, not try to have the event tailored to your requirements...
Unless they all hide under the bed wearing earplugs they're not going to avoid the sound of fireworks tonight anyway.

Original poster

inlovewithhubby · 31/12/2015 12:20

Tell that to a Scot sandunes! And at midnight everywhere on nye there are massive fireworks displays. It is very normal everywhere these days.

Puts us in a tricky position. Our kids love them - do we disappoint them or pander to the precious? It's not that we aren't caring, I just don't think avoidance of triggers for irrational phobias is good for anyone, especially when it spills over into requiring others to similarly pander.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/12/2015 12:21

It's your party, if you want them have them and tell your mate in plenty of time so she can rearrange her evening if necessary.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2015 12:22

However, a party hardly fills that criteria, does it? If you're a caring friend who wants to have her and her DCs there, then not having balloons or fireworks is hardly a big deal.

Errm it is if she cares about the other children at the party who might actually be looking forward to them?

And if she's already bought them, as fireworks aren't exactly cheap.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 31/12/2015 12:26

Yanbu especially as you've presumably bought them already and your DC are excited. Just let friend know that you can't change your plans for these reasons and you're happy for her to stay inside with kids during fireworks but you understand if she feels they can't attend because of fhis

Original poster

inlovewithhubby · 31/12/2015 12:30

Yep all bought and balloons been blown up. What message does it send to my children to pop them all now because someone else is scared? A crappy message about giving in to fear. And I am scared of bloody everything so I know how important it is to be taught to face your fears.

OP posts:

SandunesAndRainclouds · 31/12/2015 12:30

Compromise?

Tell her that there will be fireworks at midnight so she can either prepare the DCs or keep them indoors / leave a bit early and let all the other children pop loads of balloons outside at the time of the fireworks?

We have a friend with an irrational fear of sparklers. We want her at the bonfire party more than we do the sparklers so no one brings them. It's no big deal to us.

Turquoisetamborine · 31/12/2015 12:32

Nah, I'd tell them you'd already bought them so they can not come if the kids will be too upset. There'll be loads of fireworks going off anyway so they can't avoid them.

whois · 31/12/2015 12:37

Oh just tell her that you were planning on having fireworks and maybe it's best if she gets a baby sitter if her DCs won't cope.

ingeniousidiot · 31/12/2015 12:39

Have a room with no balloons in - they can stay in there, and can stay inside while the fireworks are outside. My son used to be scared of both, but I never made it an issue, he's fine now.

MoMoTy · 31/12/2015 12:40

No don't pander to her stupid, precious ways at all. Also don't set the fireworks off at a time to suit her, what if everyone else wants to start earlier. Shame her kids are scared, but that really is her problem to deal with.

StrictlyMumDancing · 31/12/2015 12:42

I hate fireworks with a passion but I wouldn't dream of asking someone not to have them at their party. I may ask, as sandunes suggested, if they could prewarn me and let me hide somewhere for a while whilst they were going on.

I don't think I'd take issue with a no balloons request though for a new years party. Probably for a kids birthday party.

Potatoface2 · 31/12/2015 12:42

i have a massive allergy to balloons...but i would never ask someone not to have them at something i was invited to.....i take all the relevent meds i need and keep well away from them.....its been difficult at times but why should i dictate what other people do in their own homes....if they dont like it they can leave ( i have that choice and my reason is life threatening not a phobia)

Tippytappytoes · 31/12/2015 12:45

I was an awkward child growing up. I was scared of fireworks, balloons and clowns, like melt down, shaking, fear of them (especially the clowns making ballon animals that came to my primary school) but at no point did my parents expect other people to change their plans for me. If there were fireworks, I stayed indoors. If there were balloons I was allowed to keep my distance and for clowns, someone was ready to grab hold when I bolted (and safely lead me away).

What I'm trying to say is, it really isn't your problem. She is responsible for helping her children manage and deal with their fear.

Original poster

inlovewithhubby · 31/12/2015 12:46

Potato face - bad luck on the allergy, sounds dreadful. If it were life threatening, I'd totally accommodate - that would be entirely reasonable and you wouldn't have to ask

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/12/2015 12:50

You are not being unreasonable. Tell her no. And enjoy your party

catfordbetty · 31/12/2015 12:54

at no point did my parents expect other people to change their plans for me

This, I think, hits the nail on the head. Nowadays, parents expect exactly that. The world has changed in this regard. I also think that what are simply preferences are often exaggerated into a condition that has to be accommodated.

Hurr1cane · 31/12/2015 12:54

Have they only just asked as well? I couldn't go to a party with balloons, not because DS dislikes them. But because he is obsessed with them, to the point where I should have shares in the bloody things, and he HAS to pop them and no amount of grabbing him and telling him no stops him.

I, however, would never ask someone to not have balloons, I ask if there is balloons, and if there is (that can't be popped) then I just don't go. People understand.

It's getting better now, but it's taken years of work and a child melting down throughout an entire party does not make for a nice atmosphere for anyone else.

So YANBU. She'll have to just not come

Potatoface2 · 31/12/2015 12:56

inlovewithhubby...its not too bad...i manage, i try not to make a big deal of it and just avoid triggers (latex allerrgy)...i dont want anyone to make exceptions for me...its my problem not theirs

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