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MNHQ have commented on this thread

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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

to not want my fil to stay over on new years eve

384 replies

chocoholic05 · 30/12/2015 20:12

My mil died earlier on in the year. My dh wants to invite my fil to stay tomorrow night and into new years day. In fact despite endless discussions with dh from a conversation with fil today it seems he has. I don't want him to. I would rather came for dinner on new years day and stay for tea as well. My reasons are we only have a small house so where would he sleep other than our living room? He never ever lies in no matter what time he goes to bed. He will bring his dog who is also an early riser. And he will expect us to get up. Alsothe dog smells really badly. I know that sounds horrible but it's absolutely true. Finally I like new year spent with my boys. Family games and dvds.He is only a ten minute drive away. But my dh said it's his first new year on his own.

OP posts:

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I8toys · 30/12/2015 20:49

YABU - he needs you and its one night. Think of someone else for a change.

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/12/2015 20:49

YABU massively so, the poor bugger has lost his wife FFS! Its one day you won't have a lie in, have one the next day!

HortonWho · 30/12/2015 20:50

You husband wants to be with his father. it will be hard for him too, and judging by the sympathy you show, I can't see your husband getting much support from you in his grief.

Lauren15 · 30/12/2015 20:53

Sorry I think you're being selfish and unreasonable. You should have some empathy. How would you like your dcs to treat you when you're old and alone?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/12/2015 20:54

Have some people here had an empathy bypass?

New Year's Eve can be a really emotional, difficult time for people in FIL's situation. Chances are he'd feel better staying with his loving family for the night than being turfed out late at night to be alone with his own thoughts.

I wouldn't give him the sofa though, unless there actually is no other choice - you say you have "boys", do you have a child old enough for a full size adult single? If so, I would give FIL his bed for the night & have your child on a makeshift bed in your room. If your DCs are still in cots or toddler beds, obviously that wouldn't be possible - but would a lie-in be possible then either?

I think this is one of those situations in life where you actually don't get to say no (unless you have a better reason than those already given). Your DH feels that his newly bereaved dad needs to be with family for that one night, therefore that is what should happen. Do you still have your parents OP? How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

I don't think it matters whether FIL lives 10 minutes or 10 hours away - it's the being alone that seems to be crucial.

ShatnersBassoon · 30/12/2015 20:55

Are you taking the piss? That's a serious question.

I simply can't imagine how you could care more about a lie in than your husband and FIL being able to support and comfort each other at a very difficult time when neither of them has anyone else able to provide those things.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 30/12/2015 20:55

OP is wilfully avoiding the YABUs and ignoring questions and saying 'why is it unkind' when this has been pointed out.

It's a reverse or you win the mumsnet rhino hide prize.

Where do you live, OP? Your poor fil (and even the stinky dog!) are welcome at mine, no matter when he gets up.

If you were posting this about your dh's objections to your father, there would be a chorus of LTB. I'm sort of hoping your dh will take the children and party it up with fil and stinkydog at fil's house.

Hi5Hello · 30/12/2015 20:56

Before the "Poster is always right - stop bullying" brigade arrive

Out of all the selfish, unempathetic threads we have seen over Christmas this was has struck me as one of the worse...

I am sorry you don't get your lie in

I am sorry that you don't get to have just "your boys" and play games

but for once - put someone else first, please put yourself in the shoes of someone who may just want to wake up with his family around him... and no, a "nice" roast dinner will not replace the everyday noise of a family waking up in the new year.

Blu · 30/12/2015 20:57

Let him stay, it obviously means a lot to your DH. But tell him he is welcome to make his own tea but to please NOT wake you and the kids. Be explicit and say 'we will not get up until ?? o'clock so make yourself comfortable / take the dog for a long walk until then'. And let him have his roast dinner the next day as well.

The first year after the loss of his DW must be hard.

Whatsername24 · 30/12/2015 20:59

Poor man. I think you're being really mean, not just to your father in law but to your husband too.

My mother in law often stays here and quite honestly is a pain in the arse but under the same circumstances I wouldn't think twice about having her to stay. New Years Eve is a night when a lot of people reflect on the year that's ending and what a horrible year he's had - have a heart!

Can't you lie in on Saturday if it's that important that you sleep late?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 30/12/2015 20:59

Horton also has an excellent point. Your DH will no doubt be missing his mum at this time of year - maybe he really wants to be with his dad? Maybe he's upset at the thought of sending his dad off home alone tomorrow night.

It might not be all about FIL.

Either way, you're being selfish I'm afraid.

Bing0wings · 30/12/2015 20:59

I'm going against the trend. Yanbu. I lost a DF and MIL (obviously on seperate occasions). I think having FIL over on New Year's Day all day is lovely. Or maybe NYE for tea and NYD for lunch? He lives 10 mins away. I really don't think he has to stay the night with his dog. Yes it will be difficult waking up on NYD for the first time without his MIL. Everything will be extremely difficult for a year whilst experiencing the first NY, Xmas, birthday, death date but there's no escaping it, but I think him visiting you during the daytime will make it easier.

ChampagneTastes · 30/12/2015 21:00

I really dislike my in-laws and I'd STILL let them stay on NYE if one of them were in your FIL's situation. It is ONE NIGHT where things won't be as you want them.

The wisest advice I ever heard on mumsnet was simply, if you're not sure what the right course of action is, be kind. To not let him stay would be selfish in the extreme.

BramblePie · 30/12/2015 21:00

Tomorrow you could go to a shop/vets and buy a spray. I have one for my dog that kills/eats bad bacteria and smells nice. You spray onto dog and let it dry and they smell nice afterwards. You could also buy a blow up mattress for him to kip in the living room. As far as a long lie...Either suck it up or drinks a lot and go into an alcohol coma ;) you come across as mean. Imagine it was you as a widower without your partner. ..how would you like to be treated?

queenMab99 · 30/12/2015 21:01

My husband died earlier in the year, I know if I wanted I could stay with my son and his family at New Year, but I am happy with my own company and would rather be in my own home, however some people feel very lonely and to go back to an empty house, when you are feeling sad and vunerable must be dreadful, I hope if you are ever in your Fil situation, your children have more compassion than you.

PartridgeFairysparkles · 30/12/2015 21:01

Yes, let him stay on the condition that you get your lie in. If he wakes everyone up then DH gets up first. Seems simple to me.

Bunnyjo · 30/12/2015 21:01

YABU and incredibly selfish, OP. Imagine being in your FIL's position in years to come and your DILs are saying the same as you are now? How would you feel then?!

bimandbam · 30/12/2015 21:02

My mum lost her dh 8 years ago. Nye is still incredibly tough. Be kind.

Your dh gets up as soon aa he hears him stir. They look after.any woken dcs until at least 9am. Dh cleans up after the dog.

ENormaSnob · 30/12/2015 21:04

Yabu

guffaux · 30/12/2015 21:07

sometimes you have to do what's right, however much you want to do something different, and you have to do it with good grace, a smile on your face, and believe me, the way you'll feel after the event, will always be positive,

whereas, if you do what you want, a small mean cold and bitter seed will bear fruit, and you'll regret it forever.

think of it as doing yourself a kindness, if you cant bear to be kind to fil for his own sake.

OTheHugeManatee · 30/12/2015 21:07

Be kind. Tolerate the stinky dog and let him stay. Unless he's a thief or a nonce or some other awful trait you've not told us I think let your DH support his dad a bit this year.

Viviennemary · 30/12/2015 21:08

Don't blame you for not wanting him to stay. But because of the circumstances I think you should agree. It's only one night of inconvenience.

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MaliaGrace · 30/12/2015 21:09

I would honestly let him stay, it is only one eve. I would buy a blow up bed though and offer to wash the dog (I love dogs though and so genuinely wouldn't mind).

Even if you don't want to do it, I think you should for your DH and his dad.

janethegirl2 · 30/12/2015 21:10

YANBU, if I don't get enough sleep I am a very nasty person.
I get your dilemma but him living 10 minutes away is hardly a hardship for him to go home to sleep.
Alternatively can you go and sleep in his house so you don't get disturbed!

BabyGanoush · 30/12/2015 21:10

It's nice to show your boys how you treat someone who is having a tough time.

Play games with your boys on Friday, Saturday or Sunday?

Not a big deal not to have a lie in? People can be so precious about sleep

Nothing bad happens if you only sleep 4 hours, I have done it mant times , am always surprised you are actually totally fine after an occassional short night's sleep

Try to be generous, you'll feel better for it

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