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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect him to make a bit more effort?

104 replies

isitnearlyover · 30/12/2015 08:49

We have recently returned from a 4-day visit to my parents' house over Christmas. My DH is not particularly sociable and my parents irritate him. He therefore tends to disappear off to our room for a bit of time on his own at fairly regular intervals whenever we stay with them. He also spends a lot of time fiddling with his phone or ipad and doesn't join in much with general chit chat or stuff like games (this applies at Christmas only!)

I think he comes over as quite rude and also that he effectively leaves me with all the responsibility for making sure our children are OK and generally helping out with stuff. However, over the years I have tried very hard to put my feelings about it to one side and just let him do what he needs to to get through the time there.

Apparently that is not good enough though. He became very cold towards me while we were away and when I asked why he complained that I was disapproving of him. I spent the rest of the time walking on eggshells while around him and feeling very uncomfortable about the probably very obvious tension between us.

We talked about it last night and I feel we are stuck. He thinks I spend the whole time 'mentally tutting' at him. I admit his behaviour annoys me but I try very hard to just ignore it and not to give him a hard time as I know all too well that it only makes matters worse if I criticise him at all. I have already cut back the amount of time we spend with my parents and he doesn't always come with me and the DCs when we do visit but it would be plain weird for him not to come at Christmas. They also live a long way away from us so shorter visits or daytrips (which would be my ideal) are not feasible.

In the end though I really just think, would it kill him to make a bit more of an effort while we are there and so make it a pleasanter experience for everyone else? AIBU???

OP posts:
midnightsunshine · 30/12/2015 13:53

I think you should go elsewhere for Xmas. Somewhere you both enjoy. Or stay home. Or get a hotel and just see your parents in the daytime. It's not fair to put him through a visit he dislikes every year.

I also dislike staying in other people's houses, I like my own space and feel anxious when I have to participate in games and extended family meals.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2015 14:23

Questions:

What is the effect of being an introvert? Is it that it causes anxiety when out of your home and being with lots of people? As opposed to just not being very social.

How do introverts manage in the workplace?

Is 4 days really that long a time to be somewhere else? I can understand if in-laws are horrible people but if they're just ordinary folk then why is that such a chore?

OurBlanche · 30/12/2015 14:26

NannyOgg the 2 links in my previous post can answer all those questions. They are safe, I promise Smile

OurBlanche · 30/12/2015 14:27

Here they are again

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert

introvertspring.com/15-introvert-myths-busted/

HortonWho · 30/12/2015 14:28

So as a guest, he's a dick to your parents. And you allow it and make excuses for him. But that's not good enough, because he thinks you're not nice enough to him while he's being rude to your parents.

He can fuck off somewhere for the day and organise his "introverted" self to get himself through it like an adult.

I'd be reeling and telling him to put on a fake smile and deal with it, the selfish wanker.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 30/12/2015 14:33

Just let him stay home then he only has to suffer every other Christmas. Unfair to expect your own way every year.

I'd hate to be made to feel uncomfortable every Christmas but DH wouldnt do it in the first instance.

Original poster
isitnearlyover · 30/12/2015 14:53

I've been out for a few hours, hence my absence from the thread - sorry. I wasn't expecting so much feedback. thanks for all the responses (yes, even those calling me/DH a cunt!) I am genuinely surprised by the number of people who think four days with family is excessive. Food for thought.

Just to clarify a few points. DH does not suffer from social anxiety nor would I say he is particularly introvert, though he does enjoy time on his own. He does help a bit with stuff like loading the dishwasher and sometimes makes a bit of an effort with the kids in between his disappearances.

I thought I had accepted his need for space and time alone and was trying hard not to make an issue of it. However, as soon as I was a bit irritable with him about something unrelated he started acting very coldly towards me and subsequently said he could feel disapproval from me all the time.

I am open to compromise and I guess I will have to further reduce the amount of time we spend with my family and I will continue to take DCs to visit alone whenever possible (though that is definitely not an option at Christmas). I know I worry too much generally about what other people think (not something that worries DH at all) and this is something I'll have to continue to be aware of. DH does realise that the DCs get a lot out of the relationships with grandparents and has agreed to come on some visits for that reason. To be quite honest it is easier for me if he isn't there.

Anyway, that's probably more than enough detail for now. At least I have some time to figure out how to handle things next time.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 30/12/2015 15:09

Nooooooooooo! That isn't compromise and you will resent it more than you do now!

Honestly, bite the bullet and discuss it with him. Find out what pisses you both off most and find a way to work it through so neither of you feels pissed off. He can't just bail out. Just as you can't insist he enjoys it. DO NOT take the easy way out unless you are ready for all that entails.

It sounds utterly miserable for both of you!

Lndnmummy · 30/12/2015 15:18

I think that is a terrible way to behave tbh and would really upset me. I think you have been very patient. Introvert or not. Small talk and smiles for 4 days over Christmas is to me part of what a marriage and family life is.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2015 15:38

OurBlanche Thank you.

LindyHemming · 30/12/2015 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
isitnearlyover · 30/12/2015 15:43

Now I'm confused OurBlanche. We have talked about it before and he has said he would make more of an effort and I was trying to give him the space he needed. That, I thought, was our compromise but clearly it didn't work so now I don't really see what other option I have than to further reduce time with my parents (who, incidentally, can be irritating, but most people think I'm very lucky to have them!)

OP posts:
Original poster
isitnearlyover · 30/12/2015 15:44

Euphemia - he would hate not to be with our DCs at Christmas.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 30/12/2015 15:53

I'm an introvert.

I'd still suck it up and be polite if I was visiting someone else for a few days. OP, you sound like you've made reasonable compromises and he's still behaving like Kevin the teenager.

Backingvocals · 30/12/2015 15:55

DCs father should not be with them at xmas because he finds it tiring to be with his in laws Confused

As an introvert myself I should start being a hell of a lot more of an arsehole and see if I can get everyone running around me and sympathising with my torment a bit more.

GraciesMansion · 30/12/2015 15:56

We have the same issue only it's me that doesn't do well on visits. After twenty-plus years together we compromise by me not going. It's far less stressful for us all and dh knows it's not that I don't like his parents but that I just can't cope with the enforced socialising and need my own space. PIL have never queried why I've stopped going for overnight visits. We don't do overnights at my parents either although they live closer and we see them every week anyway. I don't think either of yabu but there must be a way of working it out so you both understand the perspective of the other?

OurBlanche · 30/12/2015 16:01

Sadly, more talking. He hasn't done what he said he would do, you need to know why, rather than just adjusting your own actions.

If he hates it, really cannot bear to go, or have them with you, then yes, you could discuss you and DC going alone etc. But he must acknowledge that it is because he has said he cannot cope, rather than you excluding him. That's what I meant by 'all that entails'.

Whilst I wouldn't like your idea of family fun I would be better at it than your DH (I hope), and I really am a total curmudgeon.

Shodan · 30/12/2015 16:04

Instead of reducing your time with your parents at Christmas, could you rejig it? So go up, say, the day before Christmas Eve, leaving your DH to follow on by train on Christmas Eve? Then all travel back together on Boxing Day.

That way he only has to do two days, but in return must agree to be sociable/agreeable (and obviously take his fair turn in looking after the children). He could also take the dc out 'for a run' or something whilst there-he gets time with his children, a bit of a break from the inlaws, and you get time with them to yourself.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 30/12/2015 16:13

It's incredibly difficult to tell who is BU from a written post - has your DH truly been making an effort but your expectations are too high, or has he been a miserable sod and then trying to make you feel guilty for calling him on his bad behaviour?

I think it will be good to have a chat together to understand what went wrong and re-establish boundaries and expectations. It is entirely possible that his sensitivity made him feel you were judging him without you doing so. Try and stick to some measurable agreements such as - no more than 30 minutes on phone / iPad in a day but DH will get an opportunity for a walk or something like that. "Being chatty" is harder to measure.

harshbuttrue1980 · 30/12/2015 16:38

I agree with Shodan. You could go up earlier and he could join you later on, so you are still together for Christmas day. However, I don't think its fair for him to spend every single Christmas doing what you want - maybe every second Christmas you can spend with your family, and every second one you can spend in a way he would enjoy better?

grannytomine · 30/12/2015 17:02

Could he stay for a couple of days and then need to get the train back for work commitments or something? Some sort of compromise is needed and that's all I can think of. I can see from your point of view a five hour drive for only a day or two wouldn't seem great.

DragonRojo · 30/12/2015 17:20

I am with your DH here, and I am an extrovert. However I can see that 4 days is very long to spend with someone and for a person who is not to sociable it must be hell. He is probably disappearing to your room to protect his own mental health

SockQueen · 30/12/2015 17:34

I sympathise with him finding it hard - I am an introvert and it is tiring spending all your time in the company of people you're not totally comfortable with.

However, I don't think 4 days is unreasonable, especially after travelling such a long way, and there is no excuse for not being polite.

Atenco · 30/12/2015 17:39

It is entirely possible that his sensitivity made him feel you were judging him without you doing so

I am more like your DH, but you have my every sympathy. What annoys me is that he is the one behaving badly and he is complaining about your "supposed" criticism.

So if he behaves badly, not only are you not supposed to mention it, but you are still guilty because he knows he is in the wrong.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2015 17:58

When my DH is trying to avoid my annoying relatives he spends extra time with the DC, also and any and all housework. It is a great way to avoid small talk and focus on the task at hand. They think he's super nice even though they never actually talk to him much.

Hiding in the bedroom is not much different to staying at home is it.

However, on the other hand you appear to be minimising how strongly you feel to him. You say subsequently said he could feel disapproval from me Well yes, he probably could, couldn't he, you did think he was being rude and you disapproved of him. Why not say that outright to him. "Yes, you were being very rude and yes I feel cross with you, especially after you promised to make an effort this time. It is only 4 days every other year."

Does he often get in a mood with you?