AIBU to expect him to make a bit more effort?

[isitnearlyover]

We have recently returned from a 4-day visit to my parents' house over Christmas. My DH is not particularly sociable and my parents irritate him. He therefore tends to disappear off to our room for a bit of time on his own at fairly regular intervals whenever we stay with them. He also spends a lot of time fiddling with his phone or ipad and doesn't join in much with general chit chat or stuff like games (this applies at Christmas only!)

I think he comes over as quite rude and also that he effectively leaves me with all the responsibility for making sure our children are OK and generally helping out with stuff. However, over the years I have tried very hard to put my feelings about it to one side and just let him do what he needs to to get through the time there.

Apparently that is not good enough though. He became very cold towards me while we were away and when I asked why he complained that I was disapproving of him. I spent the rest of the time walking on eggshells while around him and feeling very uncomfortable about the probably very obvious tension between us.

We talked about it last night and I feel we are stuck. He thinks I spend the whole time 'mentally tutting' at him. I admit his behaviour annoys me but I try very hard to just ignore it and not to give him a hard time as I know all too well that it only makes matters worse if I criticise him at all. I have already cut back the amount of time we spend with my parents and he doesn't always come with me and the DCs when we do visit but it would be plain weird for him not to come at Christmas. They also live a long way away from us so shorter visits or daytrips (which would be my ideal) are not feasible.

In the end though I really just think, would it kill him to make a bit more of an effort while we are there and so make it a pleasanter experience for everyone else? AIBU???

[KitKat1985]

I can see both sides. I'm naturally quite introverted and find family visiting 'trying'. Earlier this year I was persuaded pressured into a 4-day trip with DH's extended family. I found 4 days a bit much to be honest, and that was with separate accommodation to 'retreat' to. However having said that I did make an effort each day to be sociable with them and join in, so I do think your DH needs to make a bit more effort too.

I think ultimately you and your DH needs to compromise - like you go for slightly shorter visits and he makes more effort whilst you are there. I appreciate you have half a days' travelling each way, but even with that I think two nights would be plenty. So for example if you went over a weekend you could drive up early Friday morning, have Friday afternoon / evening, all day Saturday, and Sunday morning with your family, and then drive home Sunday afternoon.

The other option is maybe if you still want a 3 or 4 day visit could you stay at a nearby B&B / hotel or similar rather than in your parents house. Then you could see your family each day but maybe spend evenings together just as a couple back in your hotel room, and give him some breathing space from your family?

[pictish]

Yes...every Christmas for days is quite a lot. If my every Christmas was days in the company of people I wouldn't personally choose to spend a protracted amount of time with, I'd not look forward to the festive season at all.
What a bum gig.

[LordBrightside]

4 days over Christmas is just unneccesary with your husband being as he is. Stop putting him through it.

[TheSecondViola]

Introvert is not synonymous with rude and obnoxious. He may the former but he is also the latter

[millymae]

I think you need to make alternative arrangements next year. The four days you've spent at your parents were obviously miserable for him, and for you too by the sound of it.

Also, are you 100% sure that your parents really want to have you all stay for 4 days - it must cause them an awful lot of upheaval and disruption which they put up with because "it's Christmas and that's what we are expected to do". Unless they are particularly thick skinned they must realise that your OH is not at his best when he visits and that there are tensions between you.

From what you've said it doesn't seem that your OH resents the fact that he can't spend time with is own family because he's stuck with yours, but rather that he has to spend virtually the whole of the holiday period somewhere he's not entirely comfortable and with people he doesn't find easy to get on with. I would resent having to do this too year after year, and I bet if the boot was on the other foot you would feel the same and behave no differently than him.

Even though Christmas is only once a year I think YABU in what you are expecting from your OH knowing that he is not particularly sociable and that he finds your parents irritating. How about aiming for a 2 day stay next year with a nice overnight stop-over on the way home.

[LotsOfShoes]

I am always amazed at the amount of people on MN who hate spending time with their families and are happy to cut off their parents bc they're old and annoying. In real life, your DH is being a massive cunt and I'd be reassessing my relationship with a man who doesn't give a sh*t about his family and his wife's feelings and thinks it's ok to be rude to his in laws at Christmas. He sounds like a petulant child.

[pictish]

Aye Lotsofshoes, but every second Christmas surely?

[goodnightdarthvader1]

I'm an introvert. It is a lot harder to be social than you extroverts think. I'm on his side.

[Seeyounearertime]

DH is being a massive cunt and I'd be reassessing my relationship with a man who doesn't give a sht about his family and his wife's feelings and thinks it's ok to be rude to his in laws at Christmas. He sounds like a petulant child.

So basically OPs feelings are far more important than her OHs who should put up and shut up if he loved his wife?
I could totally flip that post and say:

"Op is being a massive cunt and her OH should be reassessing his relationship with a woman who doesn't give a sht about his feelings and keeps forcing him to stay with his in laws at Christmas. Ops being a selfish arse"

Works both ways.

[Leelu6]

YANBU. He sounds like an utter pratt.

I live a few hours away from my inlaws and have no problems visiting for a few days at Christmas.

You should not have to walk on eggshells and try to avoid his coldness and tension. Does he make you feel uncomfortable in other ways?

Can you go without him next time, OP? It sounds like he adds literally nothing to add the visits.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

I'm on DH's side here, and a lot of what I think has already been said. But I would also say that when you're not sociable by nature there is a massive difference between being with other people in your own home, and being in THEIR environment. You can't just go off and make yourself a cup of tea, or do a bit of a job round the house to escape, so you have to escape in other ways. Try to think of this a bit more from his pov - it's possible he dreads the prospect of this all year.

[Leelu6]

TheHouseonthelane - people don't need to understand introverts to see that leaving your wife to cope with DC while you lie about like a log glued to your ipad is rude and selfish.

The H can at least help his wife whilst he's there, take the kids out to the park, help with meal times, etc.

Being an introvert is not a license to be rude. And I'm speaking as one.

[Fluffy24]

Sorry but I think YABU - I'd hate it, and dread it from one year to the next.

Can you reduce the frequency of your visits and try to give him things to do when you are there so that he can get some time on his own, e.g. would he like to take the DCs out for a walk or to the cinema or something, or you take the DCs out with their DGPs some times and leave him to get a bit of peace on his own - then he might cope better when you are all together?

[whois]

Benign an introvert doesn't preclude you from looking after your children or helping to wash up etc. If he truly is an introvert rather than just a rude immature person then he should be looking for opportunities to take the kids out for a walk, to a park, to a cafe or whatever.

[witsender]

She didn't say that though did she. Is he permanently glued to the iPad? Again, details are important. She thinks he seems rude, we have no idea whether he is or not or just not what he wants.

[IrenetheQuaint]

The OP said in her follow-up post that they only go to her parents every second year.

He does sound difficult, and even if hanging out with the ILs drives him mad he should spend more time looking after the children.

[pictish]

Yes, but her parents come to them the alternative years. So it's every Christmas. Every. One.

[pictish]

*alternate

[LordBrightside]

I think spending every Christmas with other people is unreasonable. In this case whether it's at his own home or someone else's he's got to endure that.

I love my ILs but even can understand why people might want to spend some Christmases just with partners and kids intheir own space.

[knobblyknee]

Giant Man Child Tantrum.

YANBU, he needs to grow up.

[OurBlanche]

Being an introvert really doesn't mean what many people here seem to think it does!

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201403/nine-signs-you-re-really-introvert

introvertspring.com/15-introvert-myths-busted/

I am an outgoing, garrulous introvert - in small gatherings, familial settings. You wouldn't know it if you met me. Colleagues of 20years standing would not have any inkling that I dislike many of the gathering I have attended.

OP and her DH have an incompatible idea of what constitutes 'normal' and 'desirable' when it comes to Christmas and families. OP thinks the 2 are synonymous, her DH does not. Neither are wholly right or wholly wrong.

OP needs to be able to see her DHs perspective a little more empathetically. He is, from her information alone, acquiescing to her need for family connections. OK, he is not entering into the spirit of the occasion as OP would like, but he is trying. A little bit more openness and honesty about the situation would probably find a much more workable fix for both of them... that he has upset OP by being honest about how her attitude makes him feel is a good opportunity for them to sit down and discuss it further.

However that would mean they both start with "I know that Christmas visiting isn't really working out for either of us. What could we do to make it better"

And both being able to see that they share the blame responsibility for making it better.

[gleam]

As an introvert, I think it's a massive thing, that dh agreed to go at all.

Perhaps a hotel is the way forward.

[LotsOfShoes]

I stand by what I said, yes. It's not about being an introvert. He goes to his room and sits on his ipad ignoring his children and letting his wife do all the work. Yes, massive cunt.

[OurBlanche]

Just as OP is a complete bitch then, LotsofShoes

The logic for name calling one of them for doing as they please despite it pissing off the other works for her DH, also.

A one sided condemnation isn't necessary (or right).

[Leelu6]

witsender - actually, she did.

He also spends a lot of time fiddling with his phone or ipad and doesn't join in much with general chit chat or stuff like games (this applies at Christmas only)

i agree with Lotsofshoes