AIBU to expect him to make a bit more effort?

[isitnearlyover]

We have recently returned from a 4-day visit to my parents' house over Christmas. My DH is not particularly sociable and my parents irritate him. He therefore tends to disappear off to our room for a bit of time on his own at fairly regular intervals whenever we stay with them. He also spends a lot of time fiddling with his phone or ipad and doesn't join in much with general chit chat or stuff like games (this applies at Christmas only!)

I think he comes over as quite rude and also that he effectively leaves me with all the responsibility for making sure our children are OK and generally helping out with stuff. However, over the years I have tried very hard to put my feelings about it to one side and just let him do what he needs to to get through the time there.

Apparently that is not good enough though. He became very cold towards me while we were away and when I asked why he complained that I was disapproving of him. I spent the rest of the time walking on eggshells while around him and feeling very uncomfortable about the probably very obvious tension between us.

We talked about it last night and I feel we are stuck. He thinks I spend the whole time 'mentally tutting' at him. I admit his behaviour annoys me but I try very hard to just ignore it and not to give him a hard time as I know all too well that it only makes matters worse if I criticise him at all. I have already cut back the amount of time we spend with my parents and he doesn't always come with me and the DCs when we do visit but it would be plain weird for him not to come at Christmas. They also live a long way away from us so shorter visits or daytrips (which would be my ideal) are not feasible.

In the end though I really just think, would it kill him to make a bit more of an effort while we are there and so make it a pleasanter experience for everyone else? AIBU???

[Enjolrass]

Personally I would hate to be at my pil s for four days.

I would make an effort to chat and do when we visit. But no way would we be staying over.

Luckily dh feels the same.

Can't help but think if the OP posted that every Christmas they stay with mil or she comes to them for four days and that mil irritates her, she would get more responses about how it's her Christmas too and shouldn't have to spend all that time with people she doesn't like.

[DizzyBlondeMum2]

I sympathise with you both. My DH struggles like yours and I struggle like you with his reaction. While I understand where he is coming from, I end up feeling he is pushing me away. I also sometimes feel I'm being emotionally pressured or manipulated to not spend as much time with my family as I would like. This is absolutely not his intention and on reflection I should probably raise that with him when an appropriate opportunity arises.

I'm not sure I have any useful advice, as others have suggested maybe shorter trips might be easier for everyone. Also a chat once it's all long blown over about what he finds tricky and what small adjustments might help, eg planned escapes for him. And maybe some little things he can do for you to show you he still cares - a pat on the bum, a sweet nothing, whatever your thing is.

Anyway main thing I wanted to say YAbothNBU and your not alone

[Bubbletree4]

I wouldn't want to spend 4 days at someone's house. Wouldn't have minded as a student but now would find it intrusive. I am an introvert but can do social things for a few hours at a time. Then I want privacy and a rest.

[Fairylea]

Sorry op but I am in the dh camp. There is no way I'd stay with anyone for 4 days let alone my in laws. I don't mind my in laws at all to be honest but the thought of spending anymore than a couple of hours there makes me want to bury my head in cement.

I remember once when my mil came to visit in my first marriage and I hated her so much I spent the entire time decorating the bathroom so I didn't have to sit downstairs with her one of the main benefits of my marriage ending was that I didn't have to see her again!

[MadamCroquette]

I'm also extremely introverted and staying at MIL's makes me feel like I'm going to lose my mind (it's loud, smelly, messy, cluttered, not child-friendly, she never shuts up and can be very difficult) and I sometimes arrange with DP for a bit of time upstairs on my own. BUT I would never leave the majority of childcare to him, that's just unfair. You both need a break when you're there and you both still need to be parents to your DC. I'd make plan with him beforehand, involving both of you getting some alone time and some time taking the DC to do something.

And/or don't go for as long, or break it up with an overnight trip to somewhere else, or arrange it so that you go without him (with you getting the same amount of time off on your own another time).

[Samantha28]

YABU

I couldn't possibly stay with my IL for four days and spend all day every day performing . How stressful ! Surely it's meant to be his holiday too and not an ordeal .

[2016willbebetter]

I agree with Enjolrass. It has been stated that it is every Christmas. I'm sure the replies would be different if OP was telling us she had to spend every Christmas with her in-laws.

[longtimelurking]

Normally I would say HE is being totally unreasonable here, but there is something about the way you write the post OP; it is all about how YOU feel, about how YOU think he comes across, etc.

He sounds highly introverted at best. Is he stuck in his ways or does he have anxiety or other issues on top? I would find 4 days at a stranger's house absolute hell and it sounds like your DH is in the same mindset and simply using whatever coping techniques he can.

I think his behaviour is understandable if a little unreasonable and your reaction to his behaviour is just fuelling a vicious circle really.

Can you not visit alone?

[TheBunnyOfDoom]

I would hate to spend four days in someone else's house - it would drive me bonkers, sorry.

Is it possible to stay with your parents but go out during the day? See the local sights or whatever, and then go home in the evening for dinner/family time? I think it would help him if the time was broken up a bit. Four days/nights solid in someone's house is a lot of forced socialising and not something most people would enjoy.

[Aeroflotgirl]

OOh that is dh to a T, dd8 has ASD, and both we are certain that he has aswell. Dh has always been introverted, part of me being attracted to him, and I do the social side. This is exactly what dh would do when he comes to my mum, but disclaimer, my mum is very difficult to get on with, and is quite grumpy and obstinate. I am left with the kids mostly if we go there, she comes to us every months so that is easier and he is better in his own environment.

[hellsbellsmelons]

If he doesn't like it and he has your walking on eggshells the whole time then go on your own next year.
Honestly, I would just leave him to his own devices and enjoy my time with my parents.
Who cares what they think about him not being there.
Just tell them, you don't like him being there and he'd rather not be so you've decided to leave him at home from now on.

[Dipankrispaneven]

I have some sympathy with him about escaping and having distraction like an iPad. I used to hate the regular visits we made to the PiLs. I positively needed something like a book with me so that I could tune out of listening to FiL's endless stories about how he won the war (despite being too young to join anything but the Home Guard), and to stop myself from getting into disputes with him every time he said something particularly stupid or ridiculous or bigoted. However, it does seem to me that there is no reason why your DH can't take more responsibility for the children - indeed that might give him the excuse he needs not to engage with the PiLs.

[AuntieStella]

I agree with OurBlanche

You need to find a compromise, and that means you both have to compromise.

He clearly hates the visit, but will go to please you. What do you do to make it easier for him?

(I'm assuming, as you do not mention wider problems, that this is him out of character in a specific and predictable scenario).

[Happyinthehills]

Def YABU here - four days of performing would be too much for me. He's retreating to a place he can cope and then you are disapproving of that.
Could you and he take your DCs out for a few hours away from your parents for some respite?

[NerrSnerr]

Four days is a huge amount. We are visiting my parents who live 5 hours away this weekend ( flooding permitting) and we will arrive Friday afternoon and leave on Sunday at lunch, any more is too much.

[fascicle]

My DH is not particularly sociable and my parents irritate him.

I think he comes over as quite rude

For the OP to say this, sounds like her dh could make more of an effort, and that he might behave differently elsewhere.

Two issues - not just being unsociable but leaving the OP to supervise the children.

OP - could your dh have taken your children out to give you some respite/time with your parents and him some space?

[Backingvocals]

I think the introvert stuff is BS. I am an introvert but I also know how to be polite, take my part in parenting, model good behaviour for my children.

Why doesn't he plan in advance a whole day where he will take the kids out for a special trip locally - he gets out of the house, you get time with your parents, he comes back able to say a few chatty things about the day. Next day he volunteers to cook while you all go out.

As it is, his solution is sulking and doing no childcare.

[HumphreyCobblers]

I think it depends if he makes any effort at all really.

A bit of chat, joining in, helping with lunch etc, followed by some down time to recover = totally fine

Fucking off out of the social scene at every opportunity, ignoring everyone = rude behaviour

[GoblinLittleOwl]

Listen to your husband, Isit, and achieve a compromise.

Next year, if you still insist on spending Christmas with your parents, limit the visit to 2 days, quite sufficient with 5 hours travelling wrapped round each end.

Agree with your husband what activities he will do with your children during that time to relieve you.

I sympathise because I was made to spend at least a week with my in-laws each Christmas; it was extremely wearing, as I was being judged and found wanting all the time, plus doing all the childcare while my husband bonded with his father. My precious holiday time was completely used up; straight back to work when we returned. My husband's sister travelled from the continent with her family, at least seven hours journey, but they only stayed two days, because her husband felt rather like yours.

Listen to him.

[JustABigBearAlan]

I'm amazed at how many people say 4 days is excessive. We've just been to my parents' for 3 days/ 4 nightts and they only live half the distance that yous do. If you go for much less time, then you spend almost as much time travelling as you do actually there!

I'd be annoyed if my dh didn't help with the dc, was rude etc. Luckily he's not and we always have a nice time - at either sets of parents.

I do get the need for some time to yourself - I definitely need it. Surely he can go out for a walk or something? Somehow that seems less rude to me than just messing around on a phone when in company. To me that's really rude!

[MadamCroquette]

Last time we went to MIL's, DP pushed for an extra day there, because it's a long way and he was getting grief from MIL about how long we would stay etc - and I caved in. We stayed for 3 days when I would have preferred 2. Result - on the last day it all went tits up. DCs were homesick and little one was playing up. MIL's efforts to control everyone weren't working and she went massively OTT and unreasonable. Her behaviour was so bad that I stood up to it, while DP hopelessly attempted to smooth things over. Cue massive MIL strop and incredibly awkward scenario.

I do think OP's H is behaving badly in dodging responsibility for childcare. But I can understand him thinking "I just can't bear this, I have to get away". You need to address both these things so he does his share but the horror for him is reduced.

[MoMoTy]

I'm an introvert too and that sounds too much for me. 4 days is Just too long. I agree with the poster who said it sounds more about you, and you do seem all about what you want.

[Scarletforya]

You spend every Christmas with them?

He probably resents that, either he's in their house or they're in his. Maybe every second Christmas from now on. I'd be doing my nut if I were him.