AIBU to expect him to make a bit more effort?

[isitnearlyover]

We have recently returned from a 4-day visit to my parents' house over Christmas. My DH is not particularly sociable and my parents irritate him. He therefore tends to disappear off to our room for a bit of time on his own at fairly regular intervals whenever we stay with them. He also spends a lot of time fiddling with his phone or ipad and doesn't join in much with general chit chat or stuff like games (this applies at Christmas only!)

I think he comes over as quite rude and also that he effectively leaves me with all the responsibility for making sure our children are OK and generally helping out with stuff. However, over the years I have tried very hard to put my feelings about it to one side and just let him do what he needs to to get through the time there.

Apparently that is not good enough though. He became very cold towards me while we were away and when I asked why he complained that I was disapproving of him. I spent the rest of the time walking on eggshells while around him and feeling very uncomfortable about the probably very obvious tension between us.

We talked about it last night and I feel we are stuck. He thinks I spend the whole time 'mentally tutting' at him. I admit his behaviour annoys me but I try very hard to just ignore it and not to give him a hard time as I know all too well that it only makes matters worse if I criticise him at all. I have already cut back the amount of time we spend with my parents and he doesn't always come with me and the DCs when we do visit but it would be plain weird for him not to come at Christmas. They also live a long way away from us so shorter visits or daytrips (which would be my ideal) are not feasible.

In the end though I really just think, would it kill him to make a bit more of an effort while we are there and so make it a pleasanter experience for everyone else? AIBU???

[BreakfastAtStephanies]

YABU. My DH and I used to visit my DSis and her family on NYE. My DB and his family would be there too. DH doesn't enjoy it, he would socialise for a while but then, when everyone moved from the conservatory to the living room to play charades ( how I hate charades ) he would stay right where he was and play on his i-pad. Later on he would join us again. It never occurred to me that this was rude or unacceptable behaviour, just normal for someone who hates parties.

[BillBrysonsBeard]

Well I've just had 4 days with inlaws, I'm an introvert and have had no time to myself. BUT I love being around them and they are very relaxed and easy going. If I didn't feel comfortable then 4 days would be too long to cope! I think maybe he stays 2 days next time and you stay on longer so you don't miss out.

[grannytomine]

Would it help if you stayed in a hotel? When I visit my son and his wife I stay with them, my husband likes his own space so when he comes we stay in a hotel. He can then have some alone time in the hotel if he needs it. It does add up a bit but it is the best compromise we have come up with.

[Arrowfanatic]

I don't think yabu but I sympathise with your DH. My inlaws love in the middle of nowhere 400 miles away with no Internet, phone signal etc. My fil is a vile rude nasty piece of work so when we visit for usually 3 nights I will retreat into my book just to avoid speaking to fil (but tbf most of what he says to me are insults) but on the flip side I will also take over all child duties just for an excuse to not be involved with the inlaws.

Anyway since the lady visit I could have punched my fil I won't go there anymore.