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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby sex and gender

139 replies

Iliketoparrty · 29/12/2015 18:13

My SIL is pregnant and texted folk yesterday about finding out the sex of the baby.

Text said something like - SIL and DH are expecting a male child in ...2016.

So DH texted back congratulations on having a baby boy ... Etc. MIL also phoned them to congratulate them as it will be the first grandchild for MIL.

SIL responded we don't know if baby is a boy, need to wait and see. Baby sex isnt important, it doesnt mean anything. Hopefully its a girl. This was also reiterated to MIL and other family.

MIL has been on the phone asking DH (he is a doctor) what does that mean, is the baby ok? DH tried to explain the sex/gender difference but MIL is still worried.

In the last hour we have had 4 family members phone us about this as they don't want to call SIL in case she gets upset.

Aibu to think there was no need to tell folk about the sex of the baby if she doesn't think its important?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iliketoparrty · 29/12/2015 21:25

Hi sorry just catching up.

No SIL texted male child rather than boy. SIL wants a girl and has been very open about the fact.

DH has phone BIL to try to clarify. SIL had scan just before Christmas and was told it was a boy (baby has penis). SIL was initally disappointed but by the time she told BIL she told him the child was technically male but could be genderly(?) A girl.

DH has suggested that BIL speaks to the midwife about how SIL is feeling as there is likely to be issues in the future.

OP posts:
planter · 29/12/2015 21:29

Oh that's really sad. Your SIL is setting herself and possibly this baby up for great heartache,

She needs to have a very serious word with herself.

TendonQueen · 29/12/2015 21:30

I'd be concerned then about her trying to persuade her child that he is in fact a girl and should identify as a girl later on. I mean, if you just happen to turn out to be trans, then that's another matter, but given the difficulties of living as a trans person I can't imagine anyone wishing it on their child, in the way that I wouldn't expect anyone to wish complex health conditions on their child.

JE1234 · 29/12/2015 21:31

That is very sad and it sounds like a very severe case of gender disappointment. It would definitely be worth mentioning it to the midwife as she may need some MH support to work through her thoughts.

nooka · 29/12/2015 21:41

Oh dear, that is worrying. Your SIL really does need to talk through her feelings before the baby is born. It sounds as if she may have lots of preconceived ideas about how having a daughter rather than a son would be better for hers Sadly there is a load of old bollocks about the nature of boys/girls and mother/son mother/daughter relationships, which given the odd gender comments she has already made she might well have bought into.

Original poster
Iliketoparrty · 29/12/2015 21:46

DH has spoken to MIL again and has suggested that she speaks directly with SIL/BIL.

SIL is about 4/5 months along but has been referring to the baby as she and uses the chosen girl name. BIL refers to the baby as it or bubs.

BIL/SIL have been trying to have a baby for a few years and I think SIL has created a picture in her mind about what being a mother will be like.

DH and I are not going to have any children so this could be the only grandchild MIL has as SIL has always said she was having only one.

When my DSis was pregnant she didn't seem to have a preference or at least didn't tell people so I'm at a loss what DH and I am able to do to help expect suggest SIL gets some MH assistance.

OP posts:
confusedbumbo · 29/12/2015 21:48

That is mad though. I was desperate for boy (I have no idea why, its just how I felt) but if we'd been told he was a girl I certainly wouldn't have said oh never mind, she might be transgender!!!

HairForNow · 29/12/2015 22:02

Hopefully they'll talk to her midwife, otherwise poor baby if the baby is forced into pink from 3 days old becuase she was telling her mum that she wanted to be a girl. Fair enough if the child when vocal tells you that.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/12/2015 22:06

Gender preference is one thing. Obsession is very much another.

RubbleBubble00 · 29/12/2015 22:24

This is pretty huge. She needs counselling asap. This could have huge implications on her bonding and pnd

EndothermicVertebrate · 29/12/2015 22:25

It does sound like she has some MH issues around the pregnancy...I dontnthink there's a lot you can do other than support BIL in getting her the help she obviously needs.

I hope it all gets sorted out soon for everyone's sakes

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2015 22:26

I think this does need to be flagged up to the midwife, this goes way beyond the usual "bit disappointed but never mind/maybe next time" style gender disappointment felt by some.

FairyFluffbum · 29/12/2015 22:38

I think you need to talk to the husband and encourage him to talk to midwife. This could potentially go really wrong.

Your sister in law may suffer with severe post natal depression that could get worse by not getting a daughter.

These are all ifs though.

He may be born and she could fall head over heels in love and forget everything she said but it's still a bit worrying

BitchPeas · 29/12/2015 22:40

Gosh that's really sad. Poor baby and poor SIL. Is your BIL aware of how shocking her behaviour is? This needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later for the sake of that poor baby.

TimeToMuskUp · 29/12/2015 22:46

Wow, your poor, poor SIL, what an awful thing she must be going through. There's no point saying "she should just be happy with what she's got" because obviously this goes much deeper than just secretly hoping for a girl but then getting over it.

You sound lovely, by the way, op. A great deal of SIL threads I've seen recently have been quite cutting and sharp and even in the midst of this you're not bitching or insulting her. She's fortunate to have a family who want to help and support her. Flowers

Coconutty · 29/12/2015 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/12/2015 22:52

I quite agree with you, Time. This goes much much deeper than just being disappointed. I don't want to speculate but perhaps ops sil had a bad relationship with a male figure in her family. However lets also have a lot of sympathy for the innocent little boy who didn't ask to be conceived. Hopefully though. The split second they put him in her arms all that. I want a girl, will just go out the window.

Original poster
Iliketoparrty · 29/12/2015 23:25

time that's very kind of you to say. Sil and I don't generally get on as she is very high maintenance and gets on my tits however she is family and we should support each other especially when there is another wee person involved.

I think it would be best if DH speaks to SIL tomorrow when he pops over. DH is much better at handling SIL than I as we rub each other up the wrong way. He will be suggesting SIL and BIL go to see their midwife and gp to see if they can get some MH support for SIL.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 30/12/2015 07:26

My sil really wanted a girl. She was immensely disappointed. I found it hard to relate, as I didn't really care.

My first was a girl and my second a boy and neither time did their sex or gender bother me. That's said I nearly lost both mine so I was just happy they survived. So my point of view was very different.

Sils second baby that she had very quickly was a girl. It's painfully obvious who her favourite is. Her eldest is looked after by all of us and no one is allowed to look after the little girl. It's really sad and I can see issues already. I have 3 year old nephew who says his mums not bothered about him. It's desperately sad.

Over Christmas I spoke to dbro and told him straight that he needs to do something. At which point it became apparent that he didn't know that mum has been having his son so much and that I have been having him too.

I will of course support dbro and sil (even though we don't get on) but it really needs to be dbro that starts the ball rolling.

It's needs nipping in the bud before it causes long term issues.

If you sil is hoping the scan is wrong she could end up very depressed when after a labour, it's a boy. If she is planning that the child will be male but will want to be a girl and forces this on the child it's extremely damaging for all involved.

If your child is transgender, of course you should be supportive. But that's different to forcing it on them.

And what if she brings him up as a girl and he decided he wants to live as a boy, how would cope? I know this s far in the future, but it's a lifetime of problems waiting to happen.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/12/2015 07:38

Your poor nephew Enjo. It's beyond a bad day when a 3 year old is aware enough to know that his mums not bothered about him. She damn well aught to be highly ashamed of her self and wake up to the fact that. She is very lucky to have 2_healthy children.. Some people really do not know when they've got it good.

NerrSnerr · 30/12/2015 08:05

This is more than her just wanting to be politically correct and gender neutral isn't it? She really needs some help or she is going to be bringing the poor boy up as a girl and really confusing him and causing problems in later life.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 30/12/2015 08:12

This is sad and very worrying.
I hope she's going to let him be the little boy that he is an explore what he likes and doesn't like without pushing him towards 'girls things' and telling him he's actually a girl inside.

Enjolrass · 30/12/2015 08:35

Ilive I know. It's difficult for me because I haven't got on with her for a while. So if I say anything directly to her, it's always a lie and I just don't like her.

Dbro knows I love my nephew and niece and am worried. I think he has been too, but he is told very different things to what's been going on.

She also makes out that non of us help her to dbro. She is also very unpleasant to my son. This has stopped as I or dh step in.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 30/12/2015 08:47

Considering the very real problems and mental hardships that the vast majority of transgender people face throughout their lives, I think it's fucking horrific to actively hope that your child will have to go through that.

SIL sounds pretty idiotic to me.

HackerFucker22 · 30/12/2015 09:01

Sounds like very severe gender disappointment to me, something I knew nothing about until I met a woman with 4 boys. She went on to have a 5th pregnancy (boy) and was so eloquent and open about her feelings it opened my eyes and I did some reading. It's actually quite a common thing, albeit not to the degree of OP'S sil.

The woman I knew went to have specialist treatment (think IVF but to determine gender - not in UK) and I believe she went on to have a 6th boy. All her kids are loved and looked after and happy enough we've lost touch now but her obsession for a girl was something she just couldn't contain.

DP is one of 6. 5 boys and then a girl. Mil freely admits she wouldn't have had so many kids had she birthed a girl sooner. (DP is 5th boy!!!)