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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Home cooking. Or lack of. Post Christmas meal.

229 replies

MarianneSolong · 29/12/2015 10:52

If you have people round for a big meal, would you expect to do some actual cooking i.e. bake or roast something, do veg prep etc etc?

I didn't see my family over Christmas, but went to see relatives for a 'big' meal yesterday. I brought prosecco and a large chunk of the Xmas cake I made.

The host couple provided a lot of Waitrose-type things. A pate for starters, and a quiche for main course. Cream doughnuts and carrot cake slices for desert.

There had been plenty of effort when it came to shopping, table-setting etc I realised that I had been harbouring an expectation that some actual cooking would have taken place.

(Cooking equals generosity/love? Do other people think along these lines?)

Also no exchange of gifts - other than my bringing bottlle plus cake - as the couple don't 'do' presents.

When the host couple had last come to me it was more of a just passing through visit, but I'd done a home-made soup (from stock I'd done myself) and home-made desserts.

However, I enjoy cooking. Not everyone does.

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 29/12/2015 18:09

Gosh!
Home-made stock!
Home-made Christmas cake!
Just fancy!!
How the other half live.

Badders123 · 29/12/2015 18:09

I love xmas but don't really like any traditional xmas food...so.mInce pies, pudding, cake...all a no from me.
Ditto Turkey.
I had lamb on xmas day. Lovely :)

LoveMILbut · 29/12/2015 18:15

OP I think you are getting a bit of a hard time. YABU to assess judge your hosts on the food they offered you. However I do understand your equation of cooking = love, as when I host I like to think of the culinary efforts I make as acts of love. Other people may view the housework as an act of love, though.

BikeGeek · 29/12/2015 18:21

The one positive of being coeliac is it pretty much guarantees I'll never be served beige party food Smile

fusionconfusion · 29/12/2015 18:43

Well we had M and S stuffed beef rump for Christmas DINNER. With M and S potato gratin. And frozen peas.

It's because I hate the kids and secretly want to leave dh for the milkman, you see Xmas Wink

Badders123 · 29/12/2015 18:48

Fusion Grin
I assure you that for every child's b day party I have missed by being in the kitchen lovingly preparing food and making cakes, ditto xmas and anniversaries, I would much rather have bunged in some m and s party food and actually spent time.with my loved.ones.
But I am perhaps a bit older than you op, and I know from experience that people rarely know or indeed care if your food is home made or shop bought.
There will be cries.of joy on Saturday when I serve the waitrose mixed berry roulade Smile

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 29/12/2015 18:52

YABU, Waitrose quiches are bloody lovely. Especially the broccoli & gruyere one. Oh, and the crustless lorraine so you don't have dull pastry replacing bacon-y goodness.

I assume there was something else on the table/plate, though, and not just one quiche between the four of you?

maketheworldgoaway · 29/12/2015 19:18

This is lesson 47 (roughly) in how some people on MN judge 'love'. The site has been rife with it this Christmas:

I got what I wanted for Christmas but had to tell them what to buy aka not 'thoughtful enough' = not the way I view love.

I got money for Xmas aka not 'thoughtful enough' = not how I view love.

I got a present but it was a toiletry set aka 'not thoughtful enough' = not how I view love.

I got a lovely, 'thoughtful' present but it wasn't wrapped so 'not thoughtful enough' = not how I view love.

Meal with friends but not home cooked aka not 'generous/loving enough" = not how I view love.

Somebody doing something that YOU wouldn't do or in a different way does not mean that they don't think about you/care about you/love you.

It just means they do things differently to you and what you think is important or showing love isn't that important to them.

expatinscotland · 29/12/2015 19:32

'Well we had M and S stuffed beef rump for Christmas DINNER. With M and S potato gratin. And frozen peas.'

Ours was from Lidl - 5 bird roast - with Morrison's accompaniment of roasties, carrots, peas, Yorkshire puds, even gravy.

It was delicious.

Specialsnowflake1 · 29/12/2015 19:35

Why would anyone take a 'chunk' of cake to someones house and not a whole one? That is very weird IMO.

ovenchips · 29/12/2015 20:16

Is it?Blush

My family often parcelled up a really large Xmas cake for different parts of the extended family. They only did it with fruitcake.

I assumed this was a traditional thing to do with fruitcakes which keep forever. Maybe not though?

Higge · 29/12/2015 20:40

I know what you mean op - love and food go hand in hand. I would not serve pre-prepared food to people on a special occasion - I'd struggle on a normal day. But I have friends who don't cook, they hate it - they snipe and bitch at my efforts in jest while savouring every bite - I know they appreciate it. They present ready made food at every occasion but that does not mean a lack of love or effort - the emphasis is just placed elsewhere - try not to take it as a personal insult, we all show our love in different ways.

Original poster
MarianneSolong · 29/12/2015 20:53

No, I wouldn't take it as a personal insult Higge! The relative is someone I'm currently getting to know a bit better again. We lived hundreds of miles apart for many years and are very different personalities, but like one another and have plenty to say when we do meet up. We are now living much nearer each other - and the fact that another member of the family is now older and in need of care - means that we're getting to know each other again

I enjoy home-cooked food of more or less any kind. (Spag bol or baked spuds - mentioned above - are both very much appreciated.) And being cooked for is lovely. I'd done a fair bit of cooking over Christmas/making stuff from scratch myself and had made an incorrect assumption that we'd be cooked for on this particular occasion.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/12/2015 21:54

How is a jacket spud any more of a 'cooked for' effort than putting a quiche in the oven? FFS.

Higge · 29/12/2015 21:57

I have had a few processed meals at people's houses - I don't eat so much, it rarely tastes great but it matters not - the company it the main event.

ZedWoman · 29/12/2015 22:07

I know what you mean op - love and food go hand in hand.

It is this attitude which has driven an incurable wedge between DD and her granny. Granny loves feeding people - it is the source of all her self-esteem.

DD loves eating, but has had food issues as a baby/toddler (due to health probs). DD does not love Granny's food (too much salt). Granny sees rejection of her food as rejection of Granny.

Granny called DD a toad. Literally - 'she's a toad'. She then repeated it 'she's a toad'.

Great relationship between me and Granny.....

She should have fucking gone to Waitrose and not invested so much into it emotionally.

ZedWoman · 29/12/2015 22:10

Oh, and DD was 2 at the time.

HazelOrBigwig · 29/12/2015 22:15

I can't cope with the stress of preparing and cooking food for visitors, it's not my thing, I hate being in the kitchen.

So if we host, the stuff we serve is shop bought. It's either that, or not hosting at all.

The thought that any visitors I have may think that this means I am not loving or generous makes me very sad. Do people really think like this?

I have some relatives who love cooking and enjoy making elaborate and delicious meals for their friends and family. When I see them I enjoy the food, but I never really think that they are more loving or generous than those that don't cook. I just deduce that they must enjoy cooking and get something out of it for themselves.

I wouldn't care one iota if I was served home-cooked food or bought and un-packeted food. I wouldn't care one iota if someone presented me with homemade soup that was made with their own homemade stock. If it was nice, I'd eat it! In fact, because I try to be kind, I'd probably eat it if it was awful too.

I'd possibly wonder why they felt the need to bang on about the homemade aspect of it all though, if they did that.

Original poster
MarianneSolong · 29/12/2015 22:19

How is a jacket spud any more of a 'cooked for' effort than putting a quiche in the oven? FFS.

Since you ask so politely. I think the differences are:-
a) a baked potato is freshly cooked, in the time immediately before it is served.
b) The potatoes will contain potatoes. Plus any kind of filling.
c) a shop-bought quiche has been pre-cooked in an industrial unit of some kind and is then recooked/warmed up after purchase
d) the quiche will contain preservatives and antioxidants. It'll probably taste okay if it's from a good range/supermarket, but not as good as, say, an omelette or frittata prepared from scratch.

OP posts:
HazelOrBigwig · 29/12/2015 22:20

ZedWoman YES! This has happened with my DD and a relative who is a very keen cook. Food is so important to her, and my DD has multiple food issues.

When DD was tiny, the relative put up with it and hoped she'd get better as she got older. But DD has got steadily worse and eats very restrictively and not much. Not a great relationship at all. It's just very sad, and makes me think of the relative as rather shallow and un-loving. And not very generous either.

Krampus · 29/12/2015 22:26

Sounds fairly unremarkable for a lunch several days after Christmas.

I like cooking but would be providing something similar as you dont know how fed up people are of eating. I would do lots of salad too but that's because I love veg.

I am entertaining for a casual lunch in a couple of days and keeping it simple. Making a cauldren of spicy veg and lentil soup because of my own veg fixation and if it doesnt get finished it will keep me in lunches for a few days. Then bunging in part baked baguettes, opening packs of salad, getting the unused cheese out, chucking in sausages as required.

I would have made the soup anyway and it's one that some of the guests like, for the lentil hating meat eaters there's sausages in warm bread. I think we're all entertained out.

Original poster
MarianneSolong · 29/12/2015 22:26

I think it is good if you can show your affection in all sorts of ways. But if you like cooking, I think it is particularly pleasurable when people - family or friends - enjoy what you have made. I think a lot of cooks will be flexible and do their best to try different sorts of foods so as to accommodate people's preferences.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/12/2015 22:28

I so hope your lovely hosts whom you admit you are trying to get close to find and read your thread then, Marianne, so they can stop wasting their time on someone so ridiculous judgmental and mean-spirited about their hosting, which they obviously put some effort into.

People have tried to explain to you that some people aren't confidence cooks, don't enjoy cooking, don't like cooking, don't have a warped view that things have to be 'home cooked' to be thoughtful or loving or even tasty (I've had shit 'home cooked' food), but hey, you don't care and continue to slag these people off on the internet.

Nice.

Krampus · 29/12/2015 22:30

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a chunk of Christmas cake btw. I'm asuming that it was a large bit that you had lovingly made and would keep them going for a while. Not a couple of slices Tesco economy.

Eminado · 29/12/2015 22:33

"I think it is good if you can show your affection in all sorts of ways. But if you like cooking, I think it is particularly pleasurable when people - family or friends - enjoy what you have made"

For you

The irony in the last sentence of your most recent post (re being flexible) is clearly lost on you.