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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd is angry at me because...

112 replies

usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 14:04

She is sat in her bedroom with flimsy thin shorts and vest pjs on and the heating on full blast (which we cannot afford) and i have asked her to turn the heating down or off and put a jumper or her dressing gown on because it is winter.

Her response was that i am the most pathetic meanest person in the world and exactly it is winter.

Aibu?

For the record last time i moaned she threatened to turn back and switch the heating on for the whole time we were away and the water tap (we are on a water meter) and then i would have cause to moan Angry

OP posts:
Cotto · 28/12/2015 16:24

Woah hang on !
Im not implying mine were perfect at all!
Just that this is not to be dismissed as "normal" teen behaviour, its not.
I work with teenagers as well- what the OP is describing is extreme .

MrsJayy · 28/12/2015 16:27

Yes it is extreme behaviour its not the usual teen "lip" you expect

Lightbulbon · 28/12/2015 16:30

Your other dc has additional needs?

^^this could well be part of the issue.

SpecialistSnowflake · 28/12/2015 16:31

DS has Asperger's and I have trouble every time the seasons change, I don't know if your DD has a similar thing?

By the time he's comfortable in warm clothing, coats and jumpers, we're well into summer and I'm always having to badger him to take a layer off. By the time he reconciles himself to that, we're well into the cold weather and he hates having to put a jumper on, so it's t-shirt and shorts and constantly trying to turn the thermostat up...

I have absolutely no idea of a solution to this!

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 16:33

Yes i have told school she has been violent. She is fine at school behavoural wise.
I cannot afford to give her pocket money. My parents do. I have taken it away in the past and put in her savings account.
I have taken the x box for a week
In the past i have taken her phone
I have talked to her
I have shouted

Nothing seems to get through to her. She attempts to turn it all back on me.
She is furious i have started speaking out to school/doctor and family about how bad her behaviour has become.

OP posts:
chesarasara · 28/12/2015 16:37

I'm remembering the exact same conversation with my Mum when I was about this age Blush Think I turned out al right but I was quite the stroppy teen.

BabyGanoush · 28/12/2015 16:37

Do you get any back up from the dad? Is he around?

MrsJayy · 28/12/2015 16:39

Sounds tough

Hetty3838 · 28/12/2015 16:39

My DD has HF ASD so maybe not typical but typical to me. However if not read about the violence that is not on Sad. DD was a delightful child she did misunderstand sarcasm and had some sensory issues but loved the stability primary school gave her along with the very sweet teachers she had. She fell apart at secondary to the point I didn't even recognise her. The teen girl politics, shit going on on social media, moving rooms every hour, so many teachers, little time for chatting with students etc. For some the transition is impossible DD was like a pressure cooker and is only just settling in now , in year 10. She mutilated her arms not by cutting but nervously picking which she's finally stopped. She still can't deal with teenage bitching and takes a very short shrift with it Confused

Hetty3838 · 28/12/2015 16:41

It may not work for you but for DD I tend to do short sharp punishments which is working. So instead of removing phone for a week over extremes (then she has nothing to lose and goes all out) I take as soon as she starts simmering for 30 minutes she can get it back if she can have a calm conversation.

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 16:45

Haven't seen exh in years
Just me and little support
Yep other dc has additional needs but i make sure dd gets time with me alone.

Goblin my problem is I do not know what else to do. I punish, i remove things, i explain, i shout. She just makes it all about her and how awful i am making her life by not allowing her to speak to me nastily or physically try and hurt me.
Nothing seems to get through to her :(

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 16:48

I tried that Hetty last week. When she goes into a rage i cannot seem to get through to her. Shes in a total uncommunicative rage. I removed her phone until she calmed down and she lost it completely. She ended up scratching me.

OP posts:
Woodhill · 28/12/2015 16:53

I don't know how you stand her hurting you. think I would retaliate. I know that is not helpful.

ooh you are trying your best giving firm boundaries. have you a parent who could help and back you up. she cannot dictate about the heating unless she is paying for it.

OurBlanche · 28/12/2015 16:54

Have you been to your GP to ask for some support with this specific issue? Or do either of you have any other support?

It sounds as though she needs more support than she is currently able to access. That must be horrible for you, you sound as though you need more, too.

Maybe another trip to the school, see if there is anything more they can offer?

peppielillyan · 28/12/2015 17:04

simply tell ur daughter that she can keep the heating on for no reason when she starts to earn the money in the house.

Hetty3838 · 28/12/2015 17:11

If she hurts you phone is gone for longer . It's gets worse before it gets better ! Could you ask the police to come and have a word with her regarding her assaulting you? X

cariadlet · 28/12/2015 17:13

OP, you're certainly having a really tough time with your dd. It sound like you've tried everything. I'm not surprised that you're at your wit's end.

So far I've had a bit of moodiness from my dd, but nothing too bad.
I bought [http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1853408573?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00 this book]] just in case. It was recommended on a few MN threads so I thought that I'd give it a try. It's a very readable book and really helps you to get into a teenager's mind.

Dd is angry at me because...
Russellgroupserf · 28/12/2015 17:19

I don't think you as an individual can get through to her because she sees you as the enemy, who knows why as you haven't done anything wrong. Probably just because she can as she isn't scared of you at all, I'm not suggesting you suddenly become violent or try to be petrifying btw.

She may be massively resentful at not having her Dad in her life. My niece has issues due to her absent Father but her upset manifests itself by her having anorexia. There is nothing her Mother can do as she can't make the twat of a Father be there for her.

I think you should ring Young Minds for advice.

IguanaTail · 28/12/2015 17:28

She's being a bully. That's the long and the short of it. Power is so attractive to them at that age, they crave it in fact, but they cannot handle it.
She is breaking the rules just a little bit off centre so that anything you do is unfair.

You need the book "Mercury's Child" by Warwick Dyer. He's turned around countless kids with this technique, even SN kids.

She's not making herself happy with any of this behaviour.

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 17:33

I have got that book and the get out of my life but take me to town book.
I have spoke to young minds.
Woodhill i have been v v v close to slapping her in reaction to her hurting me but managed to stop myself hence going back to the gp saying i needed help and now. Gp talked about Camhs but said there is a massive waiting list.

Exh is a prat and neither child wants to see him but that has been an issue long before the behaviour change.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 17:35

Sorry the book i have is the talk to teens one. Will look for the Mercury one.

I have told her if she physically hurts me again i will call the police. Apparently that will ruin her life more than i already have...

OP posts:
Hetty3838 · 28/12/2015 17:46

DD says I'm ruining her life if I ask her to put her dirty clothes in wash basket, do her homework, get out of bed , so on and so forth. Don't pay any attention !

diddl · 28/12/2015 18:20

"Apparently that will ruin her life more than i already have"

I hope you told herthat actually that would her ruining her life by choosing an action for which you have already told herwhat the consequences will be.

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 18:25

Yep Diddl. I have told her the only person ruining her life is herself with her behaviour and that when she is in the adult world in a couple of years people will either push/kick her back or report her to the police which will look a lot worse on her record than me telling school.

OP posts:
Naughty1205 · 28/12/2015 18:39

Has she started her periods? Sounds like extreme hormones, I was horrendous as a teen but I suffered from depression and anxiety. I would try to bring her to the gp, she needs to talk to someone on one of her 'better' days. Sounds desperate op

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