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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd is angry at me because...

112 replies

usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 14:04

She is sat in her bedroom with flimsy thin shorts and vest pjs on and the heating on full blast (which we cannot afford) and i have asked her to turn the heating down or off and put a jumper or her dressing gown on because it is winter.

Her response was that i am the most pathetic meanest person in the world and exactly it is winter.

Aibu?

For the record last time i moaned she threatened to turn back and switch the heating on for the whole time we were away and the water tap (we are on a water meter) and then i would have cause to moan Angry

OP posts:
TheBunnyOfDoom · 28/12/2015 15:27

If you're not paying the bills, you don't get to touch the heating unless you ASK permission first. Your DD needs to learn some manners and basic etiquette from the sounds of things.

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 15:33

No its the same flipping 13 year old.
I did turn the heating off.
Her life is so awful and she hates everything about it.
She was the most lovely best behaved child ever until recently. We did not even do terrible twos. I posted because i am at a bloody loss with her and no idea what to do and no one to ask in RL.

OP posts:
Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 15:38

Sorry she is not being left on her own or travelling independently. A family member picked us up Christmas Eve and dds plan was to turn back in the house on the way out and turn it back on so it was on while we were both away Shock

I am at a loss what to do with her and gutted i have lost my lovely lovely girl.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/12/2015 15:39

If she has changed suddenly perhaps something has happened? Can you try and find a time when you are both feeling calm and bring her a cup of tea and a piece of cake and try to find out what is going on in her life?

Horsemad · 28/12/2015 15:40

You need to get tough OP, and FAST Hmm No way would one of mine be behaving like that and getting away with it...

OurBlanche · 28/12/2015 15:41

Do you have time for a mum/daughter lunch? Spend some quality nice time with her, see if she can relax in your company. You really need to (re) establish some non combative lines of communication.

Give her a hug, tell her you love her but that you really have noticed that she is angry and upset all the time... give her the opportunity to talk to you.

There are any number of reasons why she is turning into a raging monster, some may even be as simple as 'puberty'. But you can't know if your only communication is loud and angry.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2015 15:41

Can you speak to her Head Of Year at school?

Her behaviour does seem a little extreme for a 13yr old.

Did the change come about when she started senior school?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2015 15:42

Agree with Blanche actually, that's a very good idea.

Sirzy · 28/12/2015 15:43

Have there been any major changes in her life? Or change or friendship group?

OurBlanche · 28/12/2015 15:44

Smile I was about to say I like the idea of taking to her Head of Year/Tutor.

13 seems to be quite a minefield. Mostly we all survive quite well, but some external support never goes amiss!

Andrewofgg · 28/12/2015 15:44

I am at a loss what to do with her and gutted i have lost my lovely lovely girl.

I only ever had to cope with the blue model but I have five nieces. I can confirm that they do eventually rejoin the human species, but it's a long haul.

Of course MNers were all perfect teenagers - weren't we?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/12/2015 15:44

I lost my lovely girl for a while, but she was turning her anger in rather than out, (cutting herself).

Giving her lots of extra love and attention have helped her enormously.

Cotto · 28/12/2015 15:46

None of mine have ever behaved like this though Andrew

thelaundryfairy · 28/12/2015 15:48

You are being reasonable.

Andrewofgg · 28/12/2015 15:49

Lucky you Cotto! The OP's experience sounds like my niece-by-blood (DW's were less awful) who gave my sister the exact same hell I remembered my sister giving my mother and I had no sympathy - she ahd it coming to her!

SmashleyHop · 28/12/2015 15:53

Have a DS who's 13. You have massive sympathy from me. Mine has turned from a polite, mostly well behaved boy to a whining, moaning, destructive, back talking teenager. I found he cut up his curtains that we just paid for the other day.. why? "I was bored". So we are using his some of his Christmas money to replace them. He's not pleased but maybe now he will think about where the money comes from for things before he wastes them. If your DD follows through on her threat to cost you money then she can help pay for the waste she causes.

Original poster
usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 15:57

I have spoke to her, she just hates her life. Cannot give me a reason.
I have spent time with her.
I have spoken to school to her form teacher, her pastoral teacher, her year head. She does not like school but never has. There is support in place and definately no bullying or issues. She is not even on the playground at lunch or break, she takes part in a group with a teacher.
I have spoke to the GP.

She hates me and her life because i have told school how awful her behaviour is. I am ruining her whole life apparently.

I work from home so am around before and after school. I am lucky to get freebies through work to days out and such so we go out a lot. My other dc has additional needs so i make sure she gets time with me alone.

She won't stay in her room
She won't go and calm down

She has lost her x box for a week. She threatened to call the police because i stole her belongings...
She went and got the tablet of mine instead. She scratched me trying to take it back.

OP posts:
Hetty3838 · 28/12/2015 15:59

Lucky you Cotto !! Mine changed at 12 and what you say very much reminds me of her. They are a joy aren't they Grin. DD is nearly 15 and she is still a pain in the ass, she can be lovely but it's 50/50 as to which DD I'll get. I work with teenagers to and I think the posters implying their teens are perfect probably have no clue what their up to you do get the odd exception I suppose.

TheFairyCaravan · 28/12/2015 16:04

I've got a 21yo DS who doesn't wear trousers and jumpers in the house. He stopped when he got to about 12. There is no fucking way he would turn the heating up. None at all. Ever. If he's cold he gets a blanket or his dressing gown.

I don't know what to suggest OP, I really don't. Do you have a partner, or are you on your own?

GingerMerkin · 28/12/2015 16:07

Sounds to me like she is in her 'exercise' clothes. Tell her to go out for a run and warm up that way.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 28/12/2015 16:10

Has she started her periods yet, OP?

I remember being really angry around that age and sure enough, a few months later, my periods arrived. It sounds like teenage hormones plus a nice dose of PMT. Don't be surprised if she starts soon (if she hasn't already).

It's not an excuse for her behaviour but it might explain it. PMT can make grown adults angry/upset, and they know what's happening and that they're due their periods soon. For a teenager, it's all a bit overwhelming and she won't know it's something "normal" that will happen every month, so she'll have no idea how to deal with it or what to do about it.

skankingpiglet · 28/12/2015 16:12

For this specific problem, you need one of these OP: thermostat cover.
Agree with PPs about a chat and cake once the dust has settled.

diddl · 28/12/2015 16:17

May be totally wrong here, but does she do much that she wants to without your input?

She sounds as if she feels out of control-thatshe just has to do what others say all the time iyswim.

MrsJayy · 28/12/2015 16:19

I agree while this behaviour is not acceptable it could be hormonal track her cycle. does she have additional needs ? arguing with an unreasonable 13yr old is pointless she will just say anything to win the arguement her aggression is worrying do school know she can be violent

GoblinLittleOwl · 28/12/2015 16:22

Sit your daughter down and do a maths lesson with her: show her how much you earn and all your outgoings, and explain just why the heating will not go on at certain times. And keep on telling her.
It won't make any difference to her present attitude, but at least she will know why you economise.
Then start removing her x box and all the rest of her trash every time she throws a tantrum or threatens you; put them on ebay and SELL them.
She is complaining about her very comfortable life at present; make it considerably more uncomfortable until she realises what she has lost.
Otherwise, you are breeding a monster.
Oh, and give her a list of chores that must be done before she earns her comfortable life back.
I can't believe you allow a daughter to speak to you in such a way.
Where is your self-respect?