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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd is angry at me because...

112 replies

usernamesandgingerbreads · 28/12/2015 14:04

She is sat in her bedroom with flimsy thin shorts and vest pjs on and the heating on full blast (which we cannot afford) and i have asked her to turn the heating down or off and put a jumper or her dressing gown on because it is winter.

Her response was that i am the most pathetic meanest person in the world and exactly it is winter.

Aibu?

For the record last time i moaned she threatened to turn back and switch the heating on for the whole time we were away and the water tap (we are on a water meter) and then i would have cause to moan Angry

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 28/12/2015 14:21

Well said Tali! Children learn respect by being respected.

Self evidently not true. OP did ask and got a rude response.

Children learn respect by being treated consistently with well defined boundaries and being allowed to understand the realities of life and the repercussions of their own actions.

mintoil · 28/12/2015 14:21

She threatened to turn heating on and run the water taps when you were "away?"

So she is old enough to be left at home whilst you are away?

She sounds utterly spoilt and selfish.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2015 14:24

She sounds like a horror
Bet you're proud of her Hmm

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 28/12/2015 14:24

Tali - She turned up the heating without asking permission from the bill payer. As the PARENT, and also, you know, the one paying the fucking bills, the OP doesn't need to ask or cajole a teenager to turn down the heating.

She does not need a child's permission or agreement to change the sodding thermometer.

It should be "This is unacceptable, therefore I have taken this action, and these are the reasons why. If you are unhappy with this situation then your options are X, Y and Z".

Cotto · 28/12/2015 14:24

Unless OP is in the North Pole its not even cold !
Temps ranging from 9C -14C in the UK.
My heating has been off for over a week and the backdoor has been open.

Perfectly reasonable to tell her to put long PJs on.

Threatening to leave the heating and water running sounds rather spiteful- if any of mine did this they would lose mobile and wifi straight away!

usual · 28/12/2015 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cotto · 28/12/2015 14:27

OP do yourself a favour- stop moaning and just turn it off.
You are the adult here- you really cant think YABU surely?

TaliZorah · 28/12/2015 14:30

goodness I never had to ask permission to turn up the heating and I wouldn't expect to be treated like a second class citizen by my parents, and I wouldn't expect my child to.

It's polite to speak to your kids how you'd like to be spoken to. Even if the DD was rude, don't stoop to that level.

Anyway I don't think the OP is BU but some of you lot are rude

Sirzy · 28/12/2015 14:33

So Tali if you knew your parents were short of money would you be so rude as to a) turn it up in the first place and b) be so disrespectful?

Children need to learn that money doesn't grow on trees and to understand that they have to behave appropriately.

OryxNotCrake · 28/12/2015 14:34

But Tali the OP has said that they cannot afford to put the heating on full blast.
That's an economic reality for many households. Assuming the OP is in the UK, it's hardly freezing outside. It's not unreasonable to ask her DD to wear something more substantial than a vest top.

Cotto · 28/12/2015 14:34

Tali the DC is sitting in skimpy clothes rather than putting on sensible top/pjs.
If they were still cold after then had done that then fine ,I would put the heating on.
The DC knows that money is tight and is doing it deliberately to be nasty.
Where has the OP said anything unpleasant to her DC?

TaliZorah · 28/12/2015 14:36

No I wouldn't I just thought that particular comment was rude. The OP hasn't done anything I was talking to the person who posted that.

Cotto · 28/12/2015 14:39

Posted what ?

Cheby · 28/12/2015 14:39

Are you in the house with her OP? Just turn the heating off yourself, surely?

TaliZorah · 28/12/2015 14:40

Someone basically said the OP shouldn't talk to her daughter politely Cotto

Cotto · 28/12/2015 14:41

You think whatgoodness posted was rude < snorting>
You cannot be serious !

Sn0tnose · 28/12/2015 14:45

Yanbu. She sounds like an absolute horror. When you say she threatened to 'turn back' and switch the heating on while you were away, do you mean she's of an age to travel independently? What was your response?

If you're looking for suggestions on how to respond, I'd say you have two options. Option A is to crack down hard. Take her key from her, telling her if she can't be trusted to act like an adult, then she can't have the benefits of being treated like an adult. If she gets home before you, she either stays with a relative or waits in the back garden. Unless it's bitterly cold, the heating stays off until a certain time. If she turns it on, then she can help pay for it (losing pocket money/birthday presents etc)

Option B is to sit down with all the incomings and outgoings and show her how much the heating costs. Try and teach her that economies have to be made somewhere and see if you can get through to her that way.

However, if she's in her teens and threatening you without any fear of consequences, I suspect option A might be your only hope.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2015 14:47

No fucking way would a kid of mine get away with talking to me like that.

You know you're not being unreasonable.

You need to come down on that attitude like a ton of bricks.

Hetty3838 · 28/12/2015 14:48

Turn the wifi off Wink

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2015 14:49

goodness I never had to ask permission to turn up the heating

Well, my children did. And as they weren't paying for it, quite as it should be.

thelouise · 28/12/2015 14:55

As usual, people reading what they want. Hmm The OP asked her daughter to put on warmer cloths because money is tight. The DD was incredibly rude. I also don't expect my kids to ask to adjust the heating but if they were wearing shorts with the heating full blast and I was financially struggling, I'd expect them to listen. We share a house and have to ensure we are all comfortable.

OryxNotCrake · 28/12/2015 14:57

My parents never told me I had to ask to turn the heating up but I always did because I respected them and knew that they had to pay the heating bills. If they told me that money was tight and would I mind putting on a jumper, then I would have done so. I never would have spoken to them in the way the OP describes her DD doing.

Lynnm63 · 28/12/2015 14:57

Asking is fine unless she says no then you just tell her. This morning I told DS to take plates out to the dishwasher and make coffee, DH said are you asking or telling? I replied telling as asking suggests no is a possible answer!

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2015 15:00

OP is this the 13yr old who screamed that someone was a 'massive cunt' the other day, and tried to kick you on Christmas Eve?

Or do you have another, older DD?

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/12/2015 15:02

i can't see why turning up the heating is anything to do with your dd. blimey, i am 40 and currently living with my parents in the week for work reasons. i would not dream of touching the heating.

just turn it down, no discussion required. if she is cold she can put some more clothes on