AIBU to expect DH to pay for all meals out?

[ElphabaTheGreen]

I do all the cooking at home - all of it, unless it's cereal or toast, as DH can't/won't cook. DH and I both work full time and we have two DSs - 3yo and 16mo. This means that I do a shit-load of batch-cooking to cope, including taking annual leave from work to cook if the freezer starts running low. DH does do the washing up, but it isn't nearly as time-consuming as planning, shopping for and preparing cooked-from-scratch meals all week.

At the weekend, we eat a couple of meals out as a family - nothing outrageously fancy. Usually just Frankie and Benny's or something equally kid-friendly and unglamorous, but it gives me a welcome break and the DCs like the change of scenery and the opportunity for chips.

Now, DH earns twice as much as I do. We have a joint account that we pay bills from which we contribute to proportional to our pay, but eating out gets paid for by DH. He's been getting increasingly huffy about this, with arsey sighs when he pulls his card out, then today he said I should pay for some meals out. I've told him in the past that if he expects me to pay, I really can't afford it, but I'd be happy to cook something a bit special instead so long as he keeps the DCs out of the kitchen. He thinks I'm being tight but I'm honestly not - in the past year, my new purchases have amounted to three pairs of the cheapest jeans from M&S and three jumpers off Amazon. DH has bought himself a midlife crisis classic VW campervan.

Given the amount of cooking I do, and the amount he earns in comparison to me, AIBU to expect him to pay for all meals out?

In what way are you being financially independent if you are expecting your dh to pay off the mortgage and you are only paying one third of the childcare costs and household expenses? Why stick so rigidly to the financial independence falsehood? Either it's family money or it isn't. You say one thing, do something slightly different and then get annoyed when your own false logic catches you out, eg, when you can't afford to pay for a meal out.

I have no issues providing the additional parenting input required to facilitate this

Crack on then but I still think he saw you coming and I find the concept of spending money on bikes/campervans/gyms while you can't afford clothes to be a bit sociopathic.

If he doesn't want you to take AL to do all this batch cooking then why doesn't he do a better job of corralling them on a Saturday? It's not hard. Why does he get to have it both ways at every turn? Can't cook, can't look after the children while you cook, gets arsey when asked to pay for a meal. God knows how he manages to earn a decent income.

You cook Saturday morning and he takes the children out of the house. Problem solved. They are not there to bother you.

You seem to currently have the worst of all worlds - you work full time yet do the lion's share of the cooking, childcare and 'wifework', and your share of household expenses leaves you without enough disposable cash to buy clothes or afford any luxuries, like an occasional meal out. You are being asked to be grateful to your DH for paying for meals out because he is too lazy to do even a small amount of cooking, when he is pocketing a disproportionate amount of your family disposable income. His salary is partly 'yours' because you are enabling him to work by organising everything else on the domestic front.
A grown man being unable to knock up a basic meal for his family is pathetic.

We have the same arrangement as many other previous posters - we have kids, I work part-time, I contribute more to the day to day running of the household than DH, but he certainly can hold the fort when I'm working or at the weekend, all money goes into a joint account that pays for all bills, childcare, and mutually agreed purchases and we get equal 'spending money' to spend on frivolities or save as we see fit.
If you think your current arrangement is fair, why are you on AIBU complaining about him?

OP I get that being financially independent is very important to you, and that you don't want to be involved with your dh's overspending, especially given how many hours he works, but it really doesn't sound as if the current set up is working for you.

That's probably because you set it up a while ago, and now things have changed. Mostly that's because you have two very small children, so you are at possibly the most expensive period of your lives as well as when the demands on your time are the most extreme.

I think if you otherwise feel that your dh is a good bloke, then it's time to talk. I suspect that you both need to compromise otherwise you are both going to build up resentments which could cause big issues down the line.

To me the time to work hell for leather is not when you have two needy small children, and the same applies to spending masses of time on cooking. This is the time to use some money to make life easier, otherwise you will both be exhausted and resentful and it will bubble up in all sorts of small ways.

So start to talk about the financial side of things. For example is your dh aware of what a hit that second set of nursery fees has had on you? Perhaps you need to rethink the % you each pay to your joint pot?

Is nursery the best option (we had a nanny at this point, it was cheaper than nursery and a lot less stressful, no pick up/delivery, the children were much less tired and we got home to two tots ready for their bedtime stories)

Do you both have similar amounts of time 'off' (if such a thing exists when you have two toddlers!). Can your dh scale back on his work commitments for the next year, or can you outsource any household work? Generally you should look at ways to make life easier for both of you, at the moment it seems like you are martyring yourself on the home front and he is doing the same on the work front. I doubt that's sustainable.

Ready meals 3 times a week is not going to kill anyone nor would it kill your husband to cook them either

I eat a small amount of meat but generally go for vegetable meals - there's far more choice than you make out.

If he gets so bored of ready meals that he'd rather make his own and realises how lucky he is to have you - it's win win.

Because you were brought up by a single mother I guess you didn't grow up around a couple pooling their resources, paying for things for each other and that being ok.

I think your attitude works fine as a single parent, but it is disadvantaging you in this situation - you're not asking for what you need and indeed what you deserve.

Is it just me or does it seem that the dh here is not happy to be the family man?
Doesn't do his share of anything including coughing up money, and financially abusing his wife.
I'd be wondering how committed he was emotionally/ sexually too as O says he's mid life and already buying a shagging waggon.
OP, open your eyes this man seems to have no redeeming features unless I'm reading it completely wrong.
I think you have many problems of which you are scratching the surface.
Do you know to the nearest £1k how much is in his account? Does he keep bank statements from you, or do you go through them with him and control the finances.

It seems to me your whole family could have a better life if your dh shared more of his money with the family rather than keeping it to himself, but you've actually made it impossible for him to do so without it ruining your obsession with financial independence. Are you sure he isn't begrudging the meals out as a way of making a point about the illogicality of your current situation? Maybe he's trying to make you crack over the joint account... Is he going to have to buy himself a holiday home and go on holiday without you with "his" cash before you give in?!

Hama and Miloarmadillo have nailed it.

Under the banner of independence you're being taken for a ride OP.

The problem is that proportionally you're ending up with the same amount. Which doesn't work, if 10% of your take home earnings is £100 and 10% of his is £700. It just doesn't go as far.

And to be fair, why shouldn't you benefit from the fact that you have compromised your earning power in order to allow him to maximise his? You certainly shouldn't be penalised by it. Because it's all very well (and admirable) saying that you don't want to be financially reliant on anyone else, but you've already put yourself in that position by having children with your DH and cutting down your working hours, and it sounds a little like pride is stopping you coming to a more equitable solution.

Does he know how little you have left each month?

FWIW, DH and I don't have joint finances. We have an extremely complicated spreadsheet which means we both end up with the same (reasonably generous) amount of frittering money each month, which we can spend on anything we like without having to justify to the other (he has a gym membership and drinks a huge amount of energy drinks, I like expensive coffee and have a problematic kindle habit ). This is after all our joint essentials come out - so includes savings, things for DC (nursery, activities, clothes, birthday presents etc), mobile phone bills, utilities, food shop - which is generous enough to include occasional takeaways or meals out, mortgage, et al. At the moment we earn similarly. From the end of Jan I'm going to be a SAHM, and we will still have the same set up. It would horrify my DH to think that I was scraping by financially while he was fine swanning about at work.

Actually, with the camper van, I guess he's already sort of done that.

YANBU
LTB

You should both have the same leisure time and the same disposable cash.

It would horrify my DH to think that I was scraping by financially while he was fine swanning about at work

Exactly. It should horrify any decent man. So why not OP's DH?

Personally, we have both separate and joint accounts. Our resources are pooled for utilities, food, school fees & other joint bills etc, we also have our separate accounts for ourselves.

I think I'd be rethinking the food rather than the finance tbh,
Are you on a very strict diet (paleo, vegan) which needs careful thought? My meal planning takes ten minutes but I include pasta and pesto, jacket potatoes beans and cheese and stock up on salad and veg as sides. Honestly I can't understand the batch cooking and time involved in this. Maybe start a thread asking for easy midweek meals ?

I agree with noeuf. What's wrong with simple meals or ready meals as long as it's not all the time. My DH regularly cooks (things from Cook) and it keeps me happy as I don't have to do it .

'He's trying to corral them as much as possible, honestly!'

It never occurred to him to take them out? Or does that mean you need to partially fund that, too?

The thing is, this is fair in exactly the same way it would be fair for a millionaire to pay the same rate of tax as someone on £20k a year.

We don't have that system in the tax codes, because anyone with an ounce of intelligence realises that the percentage money is grossly disproportionate in impact on lifestyle.

If the tax system recognises that a higher earner should have to pay in at a higher percentage rate, because they will lose frivolous spends and not basic living, why can't you and your husband make the same connection?

you don't want to be financially reliant on anyone else, but you've already put yourself in that position by having children with your DH and cutting down your working hours

And that's without the additional fact that you already subsidise his greater earning capacity, by doing things for him and your shared children that directly reduces your own.

Sounds like he's another self entitled arse OP. Why on earth does that sentence have to spring to mind where your "partner" whom you have two children with come about?

How can you not be sarcastic abut this?

"Wow, I'd love to pay for dinner, but unfortunately my jeans ripped, and I had to spend MY ENTIRE MONTH'S DISPOSABLE INCOME getting a new pair from Tesco. We're not all on campervan salaries you know!"

I mean, what do you actually say to him?

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a decent meal (I would not be mad keen on baked potatoes with beans myself)). But I don't see why the DH shouldn't cook it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a decent meal (I would not be mad keen on baked potatoes with beans myself)). But I don't see why the DH shouldn't cook it.

It might have come up earlier but just want to recommend having a joint account salary goes into, and a separate personal Account for fun spends. DH and I do this, so an agreed set (same) amount goes into it each month and money into savings accounts for the car, holidays, house diy etc.

Otherwise I strongly suggest paying an amount you're happy with into the joint account for meals, but have him pay if you're out over that limit.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a decent meal but that doesn't equate to taking annual leave to cook. If you work full time something has to give. Pasta with fresh veg doesn't take long, nor does steak and chips. If not jackets and beans then what would you want and would it really need hours slaving away?