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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let a 4 year old win

123 replies

DyslexicScientist · 28/12/2015 06:05

Was playing a board game with s few incldung my 4 yo neice. She was getting upset that I was in the lead, aka winning. I tried to say you can't win everything just do your best. While her mum, my sister, started cheating to get ahead.

I just carried on and won. Neice got upset and I got glaring looks.

Was I bu? Should I of just let her win?

OP posts:

Grilledaubergines · 28/12/2015 11:17

If the game is age appropriate then YANBU at all. She could have won but she didn't. No one died FFS. Being a gracious loser is a good quality to have. Getting your own way because no-one wants to upset you, isn't. 4 years of age is a good time to learn that.

00100001 · 28/12/2015 11:24

Try playing co-op with little Ines, you all win or lose together. Easy to help model good losing, as its often really fun to lose the co-op games.

JoandMax · 28/12/2015 11:27

In general I play games with my DC and just let whoever wins win and they know sometimes everyone loses but on Christmas Day with someone else's 4 year old who is starting to be upset?? I'd absolutely let them win!!! There's 364 other days of the year to allow them to develop and learn but for one day is it really that big a deal to let them win??

My in-laws had a big Boxing Day gathering with lots of their friends, we played a few games with the DC and they all made sure the kids won and gave them lots of applause and high fives, it made everyone happy so no harm done!

Egosumquisum · 28/12/2015 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gotthemoononastick · 28/12/2015 11:31

Glancing at sisterViktorine and blushing.(Great respect for Sisters in habits)...but I still hate to lose!

I am also a great learning tool for everyone.

'Please don't be selfish like Granny!Please don't sulk like Granny!Please don't flounce like Granny!Please don't be naughty like Granny ..it is so disagreeable in a 92 year old who did not learn, don't you think?'

Dying to play a bit of Ludo with someone today,but only if I can have the red counters!

AndNowItsSeven · 28/12/2015 11:32

Yabu op

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2015 11:34

Someone else's child at Christmas, I would have let them win.

My own child and not at Christmas, I would have taught them over the whole year that some you win and some you don't.

derxa · 28/12/2015 11:52

Competitive Dad- The Fast Show

pandarific · 28/12/2015 12:07

Meh, I may be too hardline about this as I've got a sister who was constantly indulged as a child - anything to avoid the tantrum, you know? That has not gone well for anyone involved. I am never, ever going to parent that way.

I don't think just explaining calmly, offering a cuddle if she's upset and playing another to see if she wins the next round is mean at all.

MissingPanda · 28/12/2015 12:42

I used to play games like snakes and ladders and ludo with my dc. Sometimes one of them won, sometimes I did. They learned to lose graciously and enjoyed winning because they knew they had won in their own right and not because I let them.

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 28/12/2015 12:50

yanbu
dd2 is 5 and still learning how to be a good loser
but dd1 is only 8, and it's not for her to have to cede every victory to her sister
we play lots of luck-based games like Uno Extreme so dd2 has lots of opportunities to win, and we play on teams for more skill-based games like monopoly, which allows both of them to learn game play and sportsmanship.

derxa · 28/12/2015 12:55

Children often have a good take on this. Older children will let very young children score a goal against them at football but they would never let their equals do this. However in the normal run of things I wouldn't let a 4 year old win at Snakes and Ladders. well maybe on Christmas Day

LookingForwardto2016 · 28/12/2015 12:58

Yanbu. My 4 year old lost at crocodile dentist this morning. They can't win everything!

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 28/12/2015 13:05

I just do it gradually with my DCs - sometimes I did let them win, then I'd gradually start making less 'mistakes' and giving them hints (if you put that tile there...)

I really don't like bad losers (or bad winners) - I think it's pretty natural in a 4yo to get upset but if you play lots and help them to start winning I think that phase can be moved past.

rookiemere · 28/12/2015 13:07

YABU.
When DS was younger we used to massage the rules a bit so he won more than his fair share of Ludo, Snakes and Ladders etc. as it really mattered to him less so to us.

Now he's 9 he gets no special treatment at games but still enjoys Cluedo, Monopoly, Uno and Ticket to Ride and copes fine with not winning.

It wouldn't have hurt you to indulge your neice on Christmas Day.

Inertia · 28/12/2015 13:19

We taught my 8yo to play cribbage - to help her learn which cards to play in the pegging, I deliberately played poor choices so that she would get the practice of figuring out the right choice and score points . I could engineer the pegging to expose DD to as many types of game play as possible - once she has learned the rules we can gently increase the level of competition.

Holly34 · 28/12/2015 18:32

My friends son hated anyone winning or getting presents for their birthdays. My poor friend was a young mum she always gave in she would let him win everything!! Now he's 13 permanently excluded from School. Driving poor freind insane, he likes no authority no respect She still thinks hes not doing anything wrong!!

Children must learn from an early age or they never get disciplined. You did the right thing, just make sure you follow the same rule with your own.

FelicityFunknickle · 28/12/2015 19:50

I think I would let a four year old win.
I don't give a shit about winning board games and most children do.
I imagine the point of the game is to entertain them and have some family time. I don't think I would see the point of winning a game against someone who wasnt even able to read the instruction manual.
I would also let them have the last chocolate over me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/12/2015 21:33

its not good for children to win everytime if been allowed to win - if they win fair and square then different

doesnt hurt sometimes to allow to win, but also have been times when i have made a 6yr oy i looked after lose a board game as he always wanted to win and would have strops if lost

and no one wins all the time

if playing with 2 children+ whether siblings or friends one will def lose and they need to accept this gracefully

your sister sounds a bit pfb

CFSsucks · 28/12/2015 22:32

YANBU.

I was working in an after school club a few years ago and 1 girl in particular always wanted me to play board games with her. She was the worst loser ever, apparently her mum always let her win. It did her no favours at all. Eventually she would turn to me and say "maybe i'll win next time" in a much more gracious manner. I used to tell her that it wasn't important and we were having fun.

DS (7) is highly competitive. I don't let him win all the time, he really needs to accept you can't win. Sometimes he's fine with it but sometimes he has a right strop (like today with mousetrap). I tell him it's fun to play and the winning doesn't matter, sometimes the message gets through.

You can always tell the children who are allowed to win all the time.

jollyfrenchy · 28/12/2015 22:38

I wouldn't always make a child win, but I might miscount or fudge something if it seemed they were getting a very unfortunately raw deal on the dice etc.
Yes they have to learn they can't always win, but if it's the difference on a particular occasion between everyone having a happy time and the child wanting to play the game again another time; and them being miserable at Christmas and hating the game they just got given then I would choose to let them win.

EastMidsMummy · 28/12/2015 23:19

I wouldn't have let her win.

Mehitabel6 · 29/12/2015 08:06

The one thing that people should get from this thread is that a parent can't control their child's environment unless they stay at home and don't mix.
We have the whole range of opinions.
One thing is for sure- if I play a game with a 4 yr old I do it my way, which is a balance, - I am not interested in what the parent thinks that I should do!

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