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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let a 4 year old win

123 replies

DyslexicScientist · 28/12/2015 06:05

Was playing a board game with s few incldung my 4 yo neice. She was getting upset that I was in the lead, aka winning. I tried to say you can't win everything just do your best. While her mum, my sister, started cheating to get ahead.

I just carried on and won. Neice got upset and I got glaring looks.

Was I bu? Should I of just let her win?

OP posts:

Bakeoffcake · 28/12/2015 07:47

Yabu

Our family still remembers the ruined Xmas of 1998 when DH bankrupted our 5 year old whilst playing Monopoly

MTWTFSS · 28/12/2015 07:49

YANBU.

However in our house we have a saying: "We all win at some point, it is just a matter of when"

So no one minds if they are 1st, 2nd, or 3rd :)

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 07:54

I still remember a friend aged 12 marching off with her Monopoly board when she was losing! She had much older siblings and they had always let her win- it did her no favours whatsoever!

neonrainbow · 28/12/2015 07:54

Not too young to learn regardless of it being Christmas. My dss is 8 now and still struggles to take it graciously when he loses a game because his mum told us that whenever she plays a game she always makes sure he wins. He was very difficult to play games with for a few years because he would invent different rules for game which meant he won. Very annoying.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 07:57

We were fiercely competitive with Monopoly when we were young and my youngest brother was at a distinct disadvantage aged 5 yrs- that did do him a lot of favours it made him very quick and very good at strategy at a very young age.

EasterRobin · 28/12/2015 07:59

I generally consider it bad form to win every time, whoever you are playing with. But if you are just playing one or two rounds, YANBU if you happen to be the winner.

justwondering72 · 28/12/2015 08:01

Neither my DS 1 or 2 could handle losing aged four. We generally let them win, and modelled being a good loser. They are 5 and 8 now. The older is not competitive and loses well (he plays for fun, not to win) and the younger one is getting the hang of losing gracefully.

I don't think being beaten by an adult necessarily teaches a child to be a good loser. But watching and playing with a trusted grownup, who shows them how to lose, and that it's not the end of the world, just might.

So for me YABU.

SolsburyHell · 28/12/2015 08:02

My 4 year old is extremely competitive and I've noticed recently that he is a very sore loser, to the point of tantrums. I used to let him win games like this but now I make sure he loses sometimes so he learns how to deal with it. He is slowly getting more gracious in defeat.

Baressentials · 28/12/2015 08:04

Aw I would have let any 4 year old win. It is Christmas. They have 51 other weeks in the year to be gently introduced to its not the winning its the taking part that counts
My ds (5) got a new game for Christmas. Of course I have let him win! But once the Christmas decs come down, the gloves are off

Baressentials · 28/12/2015 08:06

Oh and yes to modelling being a good loser. I lose a lot so ds can see how I cope with it and behave won't mention the time I upended the snakes and ladder board when ds1 was 6 because he tried to go up a snake

ohisay · 28/12/2015 08:12

No YANBU! I have a 7 and 4 year old, when playing an age appropriate game there is no reason to let them win unless they've done it fairly. Otherwise when does it stop?
If it's a game involving more skill and rules (monopoly or rummikub in our house at the minute) we pair up with an adult to make teams while younger ones get used to the trickier rules and take charge of the easier moves.

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2015 08:16

Don't let them win every time, of course. But equally, don't let them lose every time either. They need to learn about being both a good loser and a good winner.

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/12/2015 08:17

Hmm. DS1 is 4.6 and very sad if he loses, while DS2 (3.5) accepts it with a good grace. I do try to fight my corner with DS1 sometimes but I am waiting until he's older really.

BondJayneBond · 28/12/2015 08:19

YANBU, as long as you're not being a bad winner and gloating about it.

I don't let DS1 (4yrs) win games of chance (unless, as with pp, it's dragging on and I want it finished).
Games involving skill, I will help out a bit especially if he's still struggling to grasp the rules, as with Connect 4 yesterday when DS1 was mistakenly convinced that only 4 in a row horizontally could win.

roundaboutthetown · 28/12/2015 08:28

It depends a bit on the child and the game. If it was actually the dd's present you were playing and she is now going to refuse to play it ever again because she thinks the adults will always win, then YWBU. I'm not sure how you could have done anything about it, though, if it's quite as much of a game of luck as you seem to want to imply. Are you extremely competitive?

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2015 08:32

What's the point of the game if you have to rig it so someone wins?

diddl · 28/12/2015 08:33

Was your sister cheating to win for herself or her daughter?

ToddlerTantrums · 28/12/2015 08:35

YANBU OP, my 10yo DN still can't handle losing, and cried when 4yo DD legitimately beat him. Generally I let the game go its natural way. No one should gloat, but no one should cry either.
But if I'm playing more than 1 round I would try to let the child win at least 1 of them just cos, well they need to learn to be gracious winners as well as good losers.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 08:37

She will play again! And her mother will let her win. Hopefully she will realise eventually that it is more fun if people play properly.
Obviously if it is a game of skill then you don't play against a 4 yr old in the same way that you would play against another adult.

Youarentkiddingme · 28/12/2015 08:38

My friends DD2 was always the winner as "she's the youngest". On everything luck based and skill based (it was tigged this way).
Caused no end of problems when all 3 our our DCs played - especially as a) there is only 18 months between her 2 and DS is in the middle so sometimes her "I have to win I'm only 5" DD and DS were both 5 and b) my DS with asd got upset he sure he wasn't winning or losing fairly.

I found some games were ideal for making 'bad decisions' but often it meant disadvantaging one child over another.

I'd say if you are winning on a game of luck the best strategy is to win with as little distance ahead of the others as possible iyswim?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 08:42

Toddlertantrums isn't that your 10 year old nephew with SN? Forgive me if I am wrong.

roundaboutthetown · 28/12/2015 08:43

Mehitabel6 - make up your mind! Either you sometimes let the younger children win or you always play to win. You seem to want to argue that you always play to win... Sort of... So long as you don't play very well...

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 08:44

The best games strategists that I know are my youngest brother and my youngest DC - I put this down to the fact they had competitive siblings, out to cheat them, so they had to develop the right skills! It did them far more good than being indulged.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 08:48

I don't play to win, but neither do I play to lose!
If it is a game of skill I don't make the same decisions that I would make with an astute 10 yr old with a 4 year old -and I would play to win with an adult.
It it is a game of chance I might avoid going up a long ladder and I might go down a big snake, if they didn't notice me miscounting. But not all the time.

roundaboutthetown · 28/12/2015 08:48

You still haven't clarified what playing to win while not playing in the same way means...

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