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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let a 4 year old win

123 replies

DyslexicScientist · 28/12/2015 06:05

Was playing a board game with s few incldung my 4 yo neice. She was getting upset that I was in the lead, aka winning. I tried to say you can't win everything just do your best. While her mum, my sister, started cheating to get ahead.

I just carried on and won. Neice got upset and I got glaring looks.

Was I bu? Should I of just let her win?

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 10:13

Toddler, I asked a mere question very politely.

pandarific · 28/12/2015 10:17

I'm really surprised that people think it's NBU to cheat at a game of chance to allow a 4 yo to win, just so they don't get upset. It's not like they're playing monopoly or poker or something unfair, is it? Isn't the most important thing to teach them, rather than just appease them? OPs sister WBU - she could just have gently explained winning and losing, then given her a cuddle if she was upset.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 10:20

I am surprised people think it is BU.

You have all year to teach them about losing.

usual · 28/12/2015 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToddlerTantrums · 28/12/2015 10:26

Then I apologise. No, it was a different nephew.

pilates · 28/12/2015 10:26

YANBU

Play properly or not at all.

If your DN is 4 that would mean she is already at school or soon to be starting school. No-one lets you win when you are at school so you might as well start learning now.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 10:28

usual · 28/12/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamCroquette · 28/12/2015 10:35

We have had this with DD who used to be a very bad loser and would scream the house down if she didn't win (pass the parcel at parties was a NIGHTMARE). But we handled it gradually over time. If playing a board game I'd make sure she won the first couple of times, then introduce a win for me, then encourage her to try to beat me. Gradually she has learned to cope with it and also to lose at party games without a fuss. (She's now nearly 6)

As a one-off, with someone else's child, I would probably let them win if it looked like they were getting upset. It's not your problem really.

gotthemoononastick · 28/12/2015 10:47

All my grandchildren know to'let' me win at snakes and ladders as I am very competitive and hate going down the snakes and losing!

"Just let Granny win so she does not push the board over and feel sad and sulk"

goodnightdarthvader1 · 28/12/2015 10:51

Bloody hell. No. It's a game. She has to learn that you win some, you lose some. Tantrummy behaviour for losing should NOT be rewarded.

carabos · 28/12/2015 10:55

I would play in pairs, one child, one adult or older child. That makes it fair, the child learns how to play the game properly and learns how to lose - it's easier to lose when two of you lose so you can console each other, have an appropriate level of groaning and moaning about it before moving onto the next game. Changing partners is also good. I wouldn't play a game where adults are against kids (teens excepted).

SisterViktorine · 28/12/2015 10:56

I teach children with behavioural difficulties and have come across many, many young people who have never lost a game because their family have desperately tried to avoid the ensuing problem if they lose. It just isn't a good idea- children need to be taught emotional strategies to cope with losing. You don't want your child to get to 10 years old and have a personal target in school of 'I can lose a game without biting anyone'!

However, I also agree that dropping this approach on somebody else's child as a one off is not going to do much. It needs to be worked on over a period of time.

Egosumquisum · 28/12/2015 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve · 28/12/2015 10:58

Op, are you like myvex, (ooh, I'm so keeping that typo) who once threw a pack of uno cards on the floor because my then teenage sister was beating him?

fresta · 28/12/2015 10:59

YABU, I think there is a fine line between teaching a child a lesson and demoralising them. I think with a four year old I would let them win the first game I had played with them, but with mine I would definitely beat them occasionally.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 28/12/2015 10:59

I also would have let her win. I think 4 is pretty young to need to teach the values of gracious losing.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 28/12/2015 11:01

Y,y fresta a mixture of winning/losing would be better I think. Although it's nice you played board games at Xmas anyway, OP.

Egosumquisum · 28/12/2015 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchend · 28/12/2015 11:03

There's a difference between letting them win and being ultra competitive and making sure you win.
For example yesterday I was playing scrabble against 8yo ds. I got a 7 letter word, including a q, which could have gone on a triple. We were neck and neck at that point. I chose not to put it on the triple, but I still played the 7 letter word.
After the initial horror (he'd forgotten the 50 point bonus) he continued, and then recruited dh to try and get him a 7 letter. Which he did, then left ds to finish, and we finished very close.

Now if I'd played it on the triple then ds would gave seen me around 100 ahead and given up trying to get good scores. This way he learnt about it spurring on to do better.

However with a 4yo playing with a group of adults, particularly I it was their new game or close to bedtime, and it wasn't my dc, then I'd let them win.

BaronessBomburst · 28/12/2015 11:06

If it was someone else's child and the mother asked me to let her win I would and judge her for it accordingly
With my own, whoever wins, wins.
Except chess. I never win. My five years old beats me everytime.

SisterViktorine · 28/12/2015 11:11

I think 4 is pretty young to need to teach the values of gracious losing.

I definitely disagree with this. You play, you lose- you might win next time. You win next time and we are all pleased for you. Whether you are 2 or 92

In my house the winner tidies up so the losers have something to feel a bit better about.

If it's an adult game like scrabble where the adults will always win I would also team the child up with an adult or let them have someone to call on.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 28/12/2015 11:12

I totally like the sound of the people who would let the wee girl win at Christmas

BrandNewAndImproved · 28/12/2015 11:15

I've never let my dc win. We're all competitive and frustration especially brings it out.

My dd loves winning as she knows she's genuinely won.

On holiday once playing crazy golf there was a family behind ours. They made their 8 ish year old draw with the 4 year old even though he won and they looked at me like I was weird for actually playing and winning against my dc. I felt quite sorry for the older one.

VelvetSpoon · 28/12/2015 11:16

I've never let my children win games, if they have it's been fair and square. I wouldn't say they like losing, and would sometimes be annoyed (with themselves) about it, but they were always pretty gracious when winning.

A friend's child (now nearly 10) has always been allowed to win, and gets very upset if she doesn't (sulking, flouncing, even crying) -and if she wins is rude and gloaty (saying to adults 'I beat you, I'm 9. You're useless at this game' etc). I try to avoid playing any games with her because it's so unpleasant. I never let her win btw, even though I have had both her and her parent ask during a game why I'm not doing so!

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