To ask how you think you'll feel at Xmas when your children have families of their own?

[iPaid]

Had a lovely Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with DH and DD. We've now embarked on a round of duty visits to (divorced) in-laws and I'm just smiling, gritting my teeth and looking forward to being home. It got me thinking how I will feel if I become the one DD and her family visit before going back to their own unit.

How do you think you'll feel at Christmas when your kids have moved out?

dh and I emigrated. I haven't had Christmas with my family for seven years and it makes me sad each year, but it's just too expensive to make the trip. Luckily we've been adopted by another family here, so we get to spend time with them and all their extended family. My parents (just my mum now) get looked after very well by my siblings who would never leave them to have a Christmas alone as they would find that very upsetting. My FIL and his partner don't like to be away from home and don't really like hosting either so they have Christmas alone and the rest of his family get together at his sisters house.

When we were back home to alternated families for Christmas/New Year, I didn't see it as a big issue, it's what my parents did and I don't recall them ever complaining. It was always fun visiting with different cousins.

I hope that my children marry into great families and we can share their Christmases in the future. Our friends have all their families to stay and it seems to work really well for them (my parents on the other hand have met my FIL once!)

I spend every Christmas at my Parent's. H, daughter (15) and I arrive on Christmas Day morning and leave on the 27th.

1. Nice big house, guest suite
2. Excellent food
3. More fun for dd with family around (she is an only child)
4. H not close to his family
5. Like my parents very much, enjoy their company, we laugh A LOT, love spending time there
6. They plan to emigrate in 2 years, so Christmas is precious

Who knows! But I do know that there is a lot more to Christmas than spending it with immediate family. My parents are in their mid-60s and have only had two Christmases without either my brother or me. The first they were understanding but upset due in part to the fact that they "had" to spend the day (as they had for the past 30 odd years) with my grandmother who was always very negative & critical. This year they had a ball. My grandmother had passed away so they were free of duty visits and spent the day with old friends who had similarly been "abandoned" by their children & grandchildren eating delicious food (mainly from M&S), going for a long walk without grandchildren whining, drinking far too much and reverently watching Downton. I think that they have finally realised that Christmas can be a lot of fun even if you don't see family. Having said that, they are fully expecting their "turn" with us next year.

If my DS emigrated or wanted very much to visit friends or in laws then that's fine with me, but if he lived nearby and didn't want to spend at least part of Christmas with us then I'd wonder what I'd done wrong. I think I'd be gutted really.

My main concern is that I treat my children evenly. My Mum has never spent Christmas with us since we had kids (except the one year when we travelled to see her), she always spends it with my other siblings. I'd love to have her here sometimes but I doubt it's going to happen, she's visited us once in the last year (despite being asked more than that) and I don't know when she's next planning to come.

PIL are the same, they've spent one Christmas with us since the kids were born and spend Christmas with DH's siblings. Although in PILs case if we had a bigger house with room for them to stay I think they would come.

DH doesn't mind, he grew up having small family Christmas but I always had all my relatives round and would love for my kids to experience that at least some of the time.

My MIL does a massive 3-day Christmas for all her children, their partners, and the grandchildren. It's all about control, though. A friend of my mum's is also friendly with MIL, and this lady once asked MIL what would happen if any of her children married someone who didn't want to attend these events. MIL replied "That won't happen".

She accepts that DH and I go to my parents on one of the days (either Christmas or Boxing Day), but was not pleased when she was informed this year that we'd take Christmas Eve as a quiet day at home. And when I told her that we'd probably do something similar in years to come, I was met with stony silence.

So I'd like to not be like that.

DH will take it as a personal insult if the DCs ever emigrate (he claims it's selfish to emigrate, as the people you leave behind are sad; I can't get him to see that it's selfish to stop someone from emigrating just because you don't want them to); I imagine he will try to recreate his mother's approach and expect to be centre of attention at Christmas.

I don't think mothers of sons need to worry too much. DILs insisting on turning their own parents into the premier grandparents seems to be a very MN thing. My real life experience is that adult sons spend as much time with their own parents as their ILs so I'd be surprised if we didn't have them at least every other year.

When I was growing up we had Christmas lunch with my dad's parents (he was an only) then left at about 6ish for a big Christmas tea party with my mum's massive extended family at her parent's house.

Our only child has just moved 300 miles away and is spending xmas with her boyfriend and his family. We are pleased she is happy and told her to enjoy herself. I was determined not to be like my Mil who put my husband under immense pressure to spend every xmas and summer holiday with her. We made the most of a chilled quiet day

thegiddylimit in 15 years of being married to dh, mil has never come to us. Many years ago (before we got married) dh's eldest sister decided she was staying at home with her then 2 very young children (in the next village). Mil kicked off big time and we all ended up at sil's. That is the year mil told me that daughters should be with their mothers at Christmas. Since then she has either hosted herself (but not for the last 5+ years) or gone to one of the sil's (dh has 3 sisters).

We invite her (repeatedly) every year and get ignored - this year's was the best, we rang her and immediately we asked the question, the signal went on the phone and she couldn't hear us .

I feel sad for dh and the DC who see her spend every Christmas with their cousins but I can't see it ever changing now.

For Mehitabel because you keep quoting me

The reasons I grit my teeth (not literally) when visiting FIL: their house is cold because FIL thinks putting on the heating is for wimps. They don't put the TV on because they think we should talk which is fine but gets tedious after a few hours for a 10 year old. FIL and stepMIL get sozzled over an early dinner and they are not amusing drunks. They are amazingly generous with their Xmas gifts though!

At MILs house it's painful to watch her insist upon catering a full Xmas spread when she really can't manage it anymore and refuses any offers of help. She gets incredibly stressed over the preparation and is in such a state by the time we sit down that no-one especially MIL can enjoy the food. And then we have to listen to her stories of the inadequacies of her various SiLs and DiLs.

It's much more relaxing when they come to ours, where DH will cook and DD can entertain herself but they insist we trek several hundred miles (in opposite directions!) to visit over Xmas. And we do.

But like I said, this isn't about my inlaws

I have no idea how I will feel, too many variables. My oldest is grown up and left home. No issues there.

I'd invite the children to come away skiing with us every Christmas and pay for them while at university/not earning enough to justify it for them. I'd hope when or if they have partners or children they would want to come too. I would love that.
But no pressure. We'll just do our thing and welcome all or any who join us.
I wouldn't like to spend Christmas "at home" wherever that happened to be. Or for that matter, to be a visitor staying with them.

I was going to say I'd be fine and go with what ever everyone wanted then I read this:

I probably should haven mentioned hell will freeze over before I spend Christmas with my DS4's IL's which was expected this year for DIL "to have everyone together." NO just NO as we have 3 other children and GC. It was easier to come abroad rather than have siblings argue where we were spending Christmas and I refuse to be piggy in the middle.

Then I rethought - I may not have expectations to put on the DC but will they or their new families have ones to put on us?

Frankly I think I'd hate to have to spend it travelling most of the day or with people I can't stand or find I have to host huge numbers every year or be around at a set time to be visited.

It's a long way away for me but I really think I'll be entirely fine with it. People who resent change end up very unhappy. Adjusted people should simply understand that Christmas in 20 years won't be the same as this Christmas.

Peanutnutter = healthy and normal minded. Nice.

One day you will all be old and maybe lost your DH/DP and going on a cruise or holiday and drinking champagne will not be the same when you are single.
My aim is to see my small family as often as I can (including Christmas) but only when invited and they know I keep 'open house' if they want to come to me.
Live and let live but do consider it will not be all fun and frolic when you become elderly and alone

I like to think it will be somewhat like it is now, the whole family gets together and enjoys each others company and has fun. And if/when people go to other family or are away or just don't feel like it, thats cool too.

"Adjusted people should simply understand that Christmas in 20 yrs won't be the same as this Christmas"

I've been thinking LordB that actually no Christmas is ever the same as the last one. Sometimes there's a run of a few yrs of fairly similar ones. But every now and again there's a big change, from moving house, to leaving home as a youngster, the loss of grandparents, moving in with someone, having nephews and nieces, and massive change with arrival of your own DC, relationships breaking up, losing people, new arrivals and children growing each year. The circle of life - sometimes sad and sometimes glad. But never the same

I'm in my 30s and still spend most Christmases with my parents, my siblings tend to alternate Christmas and Boxing Day between my parents and their ILs. So I expect I'd end up spending Christmas with some family members, if not my DCs then I get on well enough with siblings and nieces/nephews that I'm sure someone would be happy to invite us or come and spend Christmas with us. We often have a stray aunt or other random relative/family friend joining us, and we all live within easy travelling distance so that wouldn't be an issue.

I also wouldn't mind spending Christmas with just DH, but we'd probably go out to eat rather than cook for ourselves. There are lots of decent places to eat nearby which are open Christmas Day, I've often thought it would be nice to do, but not in preference to spending it with family.

Mollie123 makes a good point. It's all very well thinking of alternative Christmasses spent with a partner (assuming you like that partner!) but what if you lose your partner and your grown up kids are not around?

We plan when GP end up by themselves we'll have them over for prolonged stay and make it work so everyone is as happy as possible - though it will be up to them if they want to come.

My parents did that with my GP and I accompanied them for visits few years when GP were in care homes and coming out wasn't an option. That might be harder for us as we are some distance away but we'd do something.

If I'm by myself I'd hope I'd be able to be proactive and make plans - I'd hope not to impose where I wasn't really wanted - but how'd you know for sure? I think it more an issue when health starts to fail or other restrictions like money hit home then I think it could be quiet miserable - though I wouldn't I hope blame my DC.

iPaid - this is the situation I am dealing with. Parent on their own. Sibling always goes to ILs. Others at a distance with kids. So only me and my DC to spend day with Single Parent - not a thought about what either me or Parent wants or could try.

Also thinking duty and it's partner care have got a bit of an unfair bad press on this thread.
Sometimes we visit those who need our time and attention and to feel our care, and the love of family around them. I think it's part of the DC's family education that we will be making some of those visits to family in the next few days - though hopefully they will enjoy aspects of them too - and after some more relaxed time at home with close family and friends over Christmas.
If one day DD or DS and their families feel they might bring their old Ma some festive cheer by visiting me over the Christmas hols then perhaps I'll not only be glad to see them but also be a bit proud of what lovely people they've grown up to be. I hope all this won't be for a long while yet though - but one day I might be that old lady in a care home celebrating her 101st birthday like I saw today on FB.

We plan when GP end up by themselves we'll have them over for prolonged stay and make it work so everyone is as happy as possible - though it will be up to them if they want to come

Actually I've rethought this I'm assuming it will be several years in future and my DC will be at least teenagers if late older teens to adults ie older more able to cope with people and situations.

We do have problems with GP and favouritism and it could be a really shit Christmas if we couldn't manage the problems this causes or they couldn't modify their behaviour could results in our DC having a shit time at Christmas which would make this a much harder thing to offer than a theoretical of course we'll do this.

Midnite, it does seem that way unfortunately

My sister never has her ILs round except for nibbles/drink on Xmas eve (with our side of the family too). Every year except this year, our Mum has (willingly) hosted my sister, dh and kids. This year my sister and her family had Xmas on their own as I'd already asked Mum to ours. Sister and dh live locally to ILs, they all get on ok so I don't understand why they don't see them on their own. ILs have another son but they don't see him either (although not local). I feel sorry for them.

There was a thread recently about where/what MNers did at Xmas when they were growing up. More often than not, only maternal GPs got to spend Xmas day with the grandchildren.

There was also a recent thread about who likes their MIL. IIRC, new posts dried up fairly quickly...