Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To ask how you think you'll feel at Xmas when your children have families of their own?

127 replies

iPaid · 27/12/2015 18:45

Had a lovely Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with DH and DD. We've now embarked on a round of duty visits to (divorced) in-laws and I'm just smiling, gritting my teeth and looking forward to being home. It got me thinking how I will feel if I become the one DD and her family visit before going back to their own unit.

How do you think you'll feel at Christmas when your kids have moved out?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 27/12/2015 19:20

hefzi - that's a good question, I am in my late 50s and my parents are in their 80s and only recently have my mother and I been 'honest' enough to talk about exactly what we would like to do for Christmas (and other occasions) without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings.

I have an only child but would hate him to feel 'obliged' to spend Christmas with us - I genuinely don't think I would mind at all if he didn't come home for 'Christmas Day' - there are lots of things DH and I would be happy to do at Christmas - we have frequently volunteered and would like to do so again, we also go away for Christmas some years which we can continue to do - I think it is perfectly acceptable to have a celebratory visit which doesn't have to be on 25th December.

As another poster says, I am also fully aware that I have a DS he is more likely to spend future Christmas with his wife's family (if he marries a woman) - thanks to Mumsnet I hope I have learned enough to be a good MIL in the future .

Original poster

iPaid · 27/12/2015 19:20

Probably what goes around comes around and if you grit your teeth and see it as a duty your DD will too

Cheap shot, Mehitabel. I'm being honest here because I can be. In real life I'm making the effort to relax and be pleasant. I'm not asking about me and DD though but about how others think they'll feel when the time comes.

OP posts:

WotNoLoobrush · 27/12/2015 19:21

Good point Gabi.

I wouldn't like to be alone at Christmas so I would look into doing voluntary work.

abbsismyhero · 27/12/2015 19:21

im going away ive decided i will make it easy on my children and book a holiday over christmas i will of course invite them at other times of the year but i will encourage them to spend christmas with their children etc

on my birthday however they are MINE!

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 19:21

It is quite obvious hefzi- we have just had a lovely time and they don't have to come - they just know it is open house. Love having DIL.
I read some of the stories on MN with horror.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 19:23

It wasn't a cheap shot. DCs know how you feel, they read the body language. If you take pleasure in all your family they are likely to do the same. ( it doesn't always follow but is quite good as a general rule)

Sansoora · 27/12/2015 19:24

My lot all come home on Christmas Eve with their families and stay over. We then have Christmas day together. They stay in their childhood bedrooms and all of my grandchildren sleep in another thats kitted out for the 5 of them. It all works out really nicely. Due to cultural differences its only me who does a Christmas so there's no conflict with other sides of the families but if there was we'd just do what we do at Eid and work around things. There really is no need for jealousies and bad feelings.

I love Christmas, its a time of year where I take many a wander down memory lane and my loved ones are happy to make that possible for me.

We have a smashing time.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2015 19:25

If they didn't come it would be fine- lots of things we could do instead.

VenusInFauxFurs · 27/12/2015 19:26

DD is 19. She and her boyfriend spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with own families but saw one another in the evenings. Next year they may well want to spend Christmas day together.

I'm kind of dreading that happening. I'm a single parent and she's my only child. But if she wants to spend Christmas day with her boyfriend's family, I will try to be cool with that. I have a lovely extended family. We'll work something out.

VintageDresses · 27/12/2015 19:27

The every other year rule has been the bane of my life. Mil thinks she's being so reasonable/fair by insisting on it but what happens if, for example, relatives on the other side are coming for a rare visit from abroad in "her" year and how can you make it fit with all the siblings OH's and their families?

It sounds fair and good but it's actually really inflexible and controlling.

kansasmum · 27/12/2015 19:28

My eldest Dd got married just before Christmas last year and gave birth to her Ds ( our 1st Grandson!) in June. We had Christmas Day and Boxing Day altogether and it was lovely.
My Dd's husband is lovely but his family are a whole other story! His dad lives 4 miles from them and has yet to meet the baby ( his choice). His mum ( they are divorced) has seen baby twice- they aren't interested in their son or grandson.
I will understand in future years if they decide to have Christmas at home, it's their choice. We have another Dd who still lives at home although she hopes to move out next year. And we have Ds who is 8 so hopefully it will be a few years before we are on our own at Christmas by which time I might enjoy the peace. Having done years of travelling to family over Christmas I will never subject my kids to that if they want to come fabulous if not that's ok too.

LindyHemming · 27/12/2015 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort · 27/12/2015 19:33

I would also seriously encourage my DC to host their own Christmas as soon as they have their own home - the first year I was married we hosted Christmas - and it sort of made a statement that we were 'grown up' and not going home to our parents.

I agree with Vintage- the every other year routine can be very inflexible.

In over 25 years of marriage the one 'rule' that we have kept to is that we have no 'routine' - we have hosted, we have been guests, we go abroad, we volunteer, we have worked on Christmas day and we have stayed home alone - all nice in different ways.

Chrisinthemorning · 27/12/2015 19:35

We have one DS so hope to see him every other year. When we don't see him we'll go on holiday :)

Ragwort · 27/12/2015 19:35

Absoluely Euphemia - and I hope we have all learned from Mumsnet not to put expectations & obligations on our adult children.

To be honest, a Christmas surrounded by noisy grandchildren really doesn't sound very appealing to me.

jorahmormont · 27/12/2015 19:37

My parents had to deal with this slightly earlier than most (sorry mom & dad )... most of my friends my age (21) have gone to their parents for Christmas. This year and last year DP and I spent Christmas together with our DD... last year we went around visiting and it was so much hassle with all of DD's things, so this year we've said everyone else can come and visit us when it suits them instead. It's been much more relaxed.

I know they still enjoy Christmas but they have said it's very different without me... they do have my brother and sister though, who are still at home, which makes a difference I suppose.

Visiting them isn't a 'duty visit' - we go because we want to, and they visit because they want to.

PennyHasNoSurname · 27/12/2015 19:38

In an ideal world we would all get together every other year. The alternate year DH and I would be off on holiday somewhere alone!

imwithspud · 27/12/2015 19:42

We have a long time before we cross that bridge but I'd like to think we wouldn't impose ourselves on anyone. If either dd and their families want to come here then great but they don't have to.

If they decide that they want to be at home/elsewhere then we will probably just spend the day pottering about and pleasing ourselves. Having a lie in, presents in bed, dinner at our leisure etc.

Greengardenpixie · 27/12/2015 19:42

I have older sons that live far away. I like that they come to see us now and again. I have never made them feel obliged and they have come back because they have wanted to. My door is always open :) They moved out, didn't get in touch much when they first left and eventually they have become adults and have 'come back' of their own accord so to speak.

usual · 27/12/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

iPaid · 27/12/2015 19:45

Mehitabel - my DD doesn't have to read my body language, we chat about the in-laws situation. But this isn't a thread about in laws.

I hope I can treasure the years we have with DD and if future Christmasses find DD elsewhere, DH and I will hopefully follow some of the suggestions on here

OP posts:

VintageDresses · 27/12/2015 19:45

So, all of those who think alternate years is the way to go, how does that work if your dcs have partners who have, say, three siblings and one if those has divorced parents and/or one has a widowed mother in poor health, or very young or disabled siblings etc etc. Honestly, every other year is cruel

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 27/12/2015 19:45

The Every Other Year rule is rubbish because it refuses to acknowledge that the "new" family unit might want to spend Christmas on their own / in their own home and might not want to spend every single Christmas holiday season travelling. Usually the "new" unit has small children or is restricted to travelling after school has broken up and yet still has to do all of the travelling, every single year.

I agree with the sentiment others have mentioned that you give children life so they can live, not so they can keep you company in your old age. If my children have happy lives of their own and other people they love and like to I'll be very happy. I hope I won't be clingy and needy or have delusions of matriarchal grandeur.

expatinscotland · 27/12/2015 19:48

I don't enjoy Christmas since DD1 died. I focus on religious aspects of it to get through it. When mine flee the nest, I'll be happy to ignore its existence entirely.

VintageDresses · 27/12/2015 19:49

Yes, that too! Every other year doesn't ever allow dc and their family to be on their own or go away for Christmas

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6