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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you think you'll feel at Xmas when your children have families of their own?

127 replies

iPaid · 27/12/2015 18:45

Had a lovely Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with DH and DD. We've now embarked on a round of duty visits to (divorced) in-laws and I'm just smiling, gritting my teeth and looking forward to being home. It got me thinking how I will feel if I become the one DD and her family visit before going back to their own unit.

How do you think you'll feel at Christmas when your kids have moved out?

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 27/12/2015 21:30

Looking forward to being the matriarch granny with everyone round the table....or being free to sod off for a peaceful week and not stuffing turkey and stockings for the first time in 35 years.

yorkshapudding · 27/12/2015 21:33

I'm sure that I will very much want to spend time with my DC's and DGC's over the Christmas period but I'd like to think I would be willing to be flexible in order to make that happen. My in laws have done the exact same thing for Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day for the last 35 years and refuse to vary their routine even slightly, they just expect everyone else to fit in with them. They completely fail to consider that I also have a family who want to see us and take huge offence if we want to spend even part of the festive period with my parents or in our own home. I want my DC's to have the freedom to make their own traditions and would hate to think that they were obligated to do the same thing year in year out entirely for my benefit.

Notso · 27/12/2015 21:45

We have a lot of friends who are tied into alternate years who hate it.
I also know a few of my parents friends who won't not see their children so end up having an awkward Christmas with their child's in laws.

I would love to have a Christmas just DH and I. We have never had one just the two of us.
Now with DC we never make Christmas all about one day. We often have several get together so with various parts of the family so hopefully we could continue that with grown up DC.

Shodan · 27/12/2015 22:03

I tried to earnestly have this conversation with ds1 (19) recently, because my mother has always been a nightmare ('bagsying' Christmas Day, making my dad only have Boxing Day, sulking if we go to my inlaws etc), and it seems that ds1's girlfriend has a mother who behaves similarly (and is also divorced from her father).

I very much don't want ds1 (or ds2, when the time comes for him) to feel obliged to have us (or me, if it's just me by then) for Christmas every year. I pointed out that his wife/girlfriend would have family of her own to consider, or that they might fancy a holiday away- and that was absolutely fine by me. The Day itself isn't hugely important to me- if I see him sometime around the date, great, if not- well we can get together another time.

I was just congratulating myself on including every scenario I could think of when ds1 turned to me and flatly said "You're spending Christmas with me. I wouldn't marry someone who didn't like you." Then ds2 chipped in "No you're spending it with ME!"

And I sat there gaping like a fish while the two of them argued about it. I can't wait to find out what actually happens in years to come...

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 27/12/2015 22:03

I don't really like Christmas, so I wouldn't be bothered if I saw people or not. If any of them want to trundle to mine, so be it. Similarly so if I'm invited to theirs. Mostly I'm looking forward to not having to have a Christmas tree up:o

KittiKat · 27/12/2015 22:08

When I was married (over 30 years) we spent every Christmas at home when we had young children. PIL from both sides were invited to join us as I believed that children ought to be in their own homes on Christmas Day to enjoy their presents and the GP's loved to see the children so happy too.

Roll on 25 years after my first born and I encouraged my DD to go to the other side of the world for Christmas as I told her you have one life and to live it.

I have to say I miss her so much but I wouldn't have it any other way.

((If you have spare tissues and a bottle of gin, do please pass them this way))

RoseWithoutAThorn · 27/12/2015 22:15

I'm intending to go abroad somewhere hot every year grin and hope to avoid most of the fuss.

This is exactly what we have done this year. We flew out late on Christmas Eve and our full Christmas has been amazing. We came out to spend it with friends who have villas in the same complex as our children spent many summers here growing up. They're like an extended family. We've decided to come out earlier next year to host. The DCs will be welcome if they want to join us. The only problem is 10 days is just not enough

madmotherof2 · 27/12/2015 22:15

I'd like to think ill do whatever my boys want to do!

My parents are quite domineering over Christmas, mainly due to the fact that my in laws are very into us just visiting for an hour on Boxing Day ( they are a fair bit older than my parents) so Christmas is always at my parents. I don't feel that we have much of an opinion over it as my mum would show her upset if we didn't go.

I'm not sure what she would do if my in laws were keen to alternate?!

Next year were having Christmas at home though!!! First one in 12 years!!!

FlatOnTheHill · 27/12/2015 22:19

iPaid
I sometimes think about the 'emigrate' thing! awful thought

Morganly · 27/12/2015 22:21

I want to go to India. Due to work, I can only go summer or Xmas and summer is too hot, so once family don't need me, I'm going to do it.

RoseWithoutAThorn · 27/12/2015 22:22

I probably should haven mentioned hell will freeze over before I spend Christmas with my DS4's IL's which was expected this year for DIL "to have everyone together." NO just NO as we have 3 other children and GC. It was easier to come abroad rather than have siblings argue where we were spending Christmas and I refuse to be piggy in the middle.

TheBouquets · 27/12/2015 22:48

It would appear that it is demanding parents or parents in law who cause all the upheavals over who visits whom. The adult child/parent of the DGC (if any) whose parents are excluded due to the demands of the other set of parents have no ability to speak up and say "for the last donkey's years it has been your family's way - this year my family are the ones to be visited or invited?
I have no wish to be a burden in 40+ years time but equally I don't expect to keep a civil tongue when passed over every year for 40+ years. I don't know why those involved in these situations cant see their selfishness.
Today's parents need to have the backbone to speak up and stop the demand or get stuck with being under the thumb for ever more.

Hatethis22 · 27/12/2015 22:54

I intend to be in a 5* resort in a villa with a private stretch of beach and no turkey within a 200 mile radius.

teatowel · 27/12/2015 23:21

We would love to' take off' on the years when our children are elsewhere for Christmas but like lots of people we have elderly lone parents who would be on their own at Christmas if it were not for us. Sometimes I feel unspoken resentment that I never show because it is nobodies fault.

MidniteScribbler · 27/12/2015 23:33

Based on most of the posts on mumsnet, since I'm a single mother to one son, I should expect my future DIL to want nothing to do with me and so therefore I'm guessing I should be expecting to spend future Christmas Days alone.

MillionToOneChances · 27/12/2015 23:37

toooldtobearsed I'm very confused that you have a DS1 with a husband and another DS1 who has provided you with a DiL and newborn...?

I've advised my daughter to set a precedent of having Christmas at home as soon as she has her own kids. She's 13

SenecaFalls · 28/12/2015 00:02

I have some friends, with some complicated family variations, who have an elaborate rota that also includes Thanksgiving. I don't think their adult children have ever had Thanksgiving or Christmas in their own home.

RockinHippy · 28/12/2015 00:17

I will go back to ignoring Xmas as always enjoyed doing pre DC & will be sat on a beach somewhere exotic,smoking up the sun & atmosphere

StarkyTheDirewolf · 28/12/2015 00:22

I've missed one Christmas with my family and I know it broke my dms heart, although she never said. Now I'm married, we will always spend Christmas with my family. Dh's family don't really 'do' Christmas, mine do, Dh knows how important it is to me. Mil is unwell dementia and often forgets Dh is married/has moved away, so Christmas there would be pointless. This year I'm determined to master a roast dinner so I can be confident about doing Christmas at our house not that my dad would let that happen yet, he is the king of Christmas dinner but since my grandparents passed away, we are starting new traditions, and hopefully we can add some grandchildren in for my dps to spoil.

ThornyBird · 28/12/2015 00:26

I hope I can emulate my parents who have never put any pressure on us with regards to Christmas.

I think because they lived away from both sets of parents who didn't get on they understood the misery of dragging young children from pillar to post or hosting warring sets of parents

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 08:14

I am glad that you understood my point fizrim.
I would hate rigid rules such as 'every other year'.
At the moment we just say that we will be at home and anyone is welcome to stay. The last couple of years it has been a full house, before that geography meant that one was out of the country and didn't come for a couple of years.
Nothing is set in stone- it is easy to adapt.

Pranmasghost · 28/12/2015 08:19

We are in our 70s and have never had a Christmas without seeing at least one of our dc/dgc. Someone always invites us or we invite them. I hope it isn't a chore for them, it certainly isn't for us.

Enjolrass · 28/12/2015 08:20

I don't think about it.

No idea what might happen.

Mum expected that we would all spend Christmas at hers (or a day over Christmas at least). Dsil won't have her children spending Christmas Day with other grandchildren as it makes them feel less special, apparently. So we all see her separately. They go to mum one year, mum comes to us the next.

The kids may all want to come to us or all at one of their houses, or non at all. Or move abroad and we may have to travel.

Too many variables to consider. I do know that I will make an effort to just roll with what they want.

Tbh I am secretly looking forward to a quiet Christmas Day. Or one I can spend on a beach

BertrandRussell · 28/12/2015 08:20

Judging by mumsnet, I will be an angel of delight when I visit my dd and her family and an evil witch when I visit my ds's.

Mehitabel6 · 28/12/2015 08:25

It will only be duty if you get to visit DS BR and DIL will grit her teeth to get through it.

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