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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you think you'll feel at Xmas when your children have families of their own?

127 replies

iPaid · 27/12/2015 18:45

Had a lovely Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with DH and DD. We've now embarked on a round of duty visits to (divorced) in-laws and I'm just smiling, gritting my teeth and looking forward to being home. It got me thinking how I will feel if I become the one DD and her family visit before going back to their own unit.

How do you think you'll feel at Christmas when your kids have moved out?

OP posts:

LuluJakey1 · 27/12/2015 19:51

DS is 12 months so it is likely to be a while. Relieved DH and I will be able to have a nice quiet time together.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/12/2015 19:56

2 of my 4 daughters are in their early 20s now, (plus 1 teen and 1 toddler) both the older ones have lovely steady DPs and are looking at house buying in the near future. I've told them already i'm looking forward to giving up the role of xmas 'matriarch' and go to theirs instead!

I've also told them they mustn't feel obliged to be here on xmas day - if they fancied going to their DPs parents then go, of course. However, so far they seem to want to gather together, be with their sisters and each others DPs (they all get on) and that, plus my mum and a rouge aunt is quite a big gathering. It comes down to logistics really. Who ever's got the biggest house is doomed to host

Fizrim · 27/12/2015 19:58

I do think Mehitabel has a good general point, if anyone makes heavy weather of visiting relatives then your DC are not going to have a good impression of the practice!

We have had Christmas lunch on our own, with visitors afterwards. Before we were married we did alternate between parents. Now we have moved away from our families, we have it on our own (me, DH and DD) all the time. Sometimes we have a friend call round for a drink but at least twice it has just been the three of us all day.

I think most children (when very young) just want to stay home and play with their new pressies. Whatever our own DD decides will be fine. I was actually quite surprised on speaking to the first of my younger relatives to move in with their partner that they were spending Christmas apart, at their respective parents. I would have thought that they'd want to spend it together at home.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 27/12/2015 20:00

Things don't always follow the family pattern:

My dad worked at Christmas when I was young, which my parents used as an excuse meant we never travelled. We also never hosted the grandparents until DM's DD died, when we hosted my maternal grandmother once - she died the year after. DF is an only child but we never hosted his parents and never went to theirs at any time in the Christmas season.

My mother expects all her grown up children to go to her for at least part of the day on Christmas day. Until I had a child not going to her was a massive unthinkable taboo, but I am the black sheep and have moved abroad and only visit in summer now - she does ask every year, but my kids break up on 23rd December and the hassle factor travelling on 24th December with 3 young kids is ridiculous. I don't want to go in all honesty - I don't want to be blackmailed into church attendance or have to impose her all day rituals on my kids. We do it our way, but my siblings don't...

I think the only reason she can't say anything out right about my dreadful failure as a dutiful daughter is that she never went to her parents' for Christmas either - this appears to be one of the 37 million things that are not supposed to be brought up with my mother ...

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 27/12/2015 20:01

DM'S DM died (not DM's DD, as that would have been me...)

WyrdByrd · 27/12/2015 20:02

Just have the one DD who is 11.

We have a great relationship and I hope that continues and that we'll always get to have some special time together during the festive season.

I certainly won't be trying to dictate the details of how that happens & if sometimes she has other commitments I hope I'll just wish her a great time & organise something lovely for myself.

DisappointedOne · 27/12/2015 20:03

I hated Xmas as a child. I hate it even more as an adult. I imagine I'll still hate it when DD has grown up and flown the nest.

SenecaFalls · 27/12/2015 20:08

Our children are grown up with their own children and we have no rules (every other year, etc) or expectations. If they want to come see us during the holidays, we are happy to have them. If they want to stay home or go visit the other sides of their families, that's fine too. DH and I never traveled around during Christmas visiting other relatives when our children were young so we certainly don't expect them to do that now.

Whataboutreindeer · 27/12/2015 20:12

I am married with two small boys (2 years old and 3 months old). I spent Christmas Eve with my my father and some other relatives, Christmas Day we stay at home and receive visitors in the morning. Boxing Day is spent with my mother and we stay with her overnight. I hope my children will enjoy my company as much as I do that of my family and I will work towards that being achieved.

VintageTrouble · 27/12/2015 20:14

I have 2 siblings, one of which comes up to DM's every other year.

My DM loves xmas and now DF has passed it would be a cold day in hell before I left her on her own. That said on the years DB isn't here it isn't prescriptive what happens. Sometimes DM cooks for everyone, sometimes she goes to DB2 or to me, so there is no sense of "having" to do anything.

I would like to think that one day my DC would always have an invite ready rather than see me or DH on our own, but while there are the 2 of us around an offer to see us would be nice but I do fancy a nice holiday away.

DC3 is 18 months so this is a fair way off. And I have a sneaky suspicion DD2 will be a bugger to get rid of

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/12/2015 20:15

I think my DC and I will always be pleased to see each other whenever that's possible whether at Christmas or any other time. They are 14 and 16 and we have a great relationship and I don't see that changing now. I hope we can talk through Christmas plans to make winter holidays that work well for everyone.
I would be so proud and thrilled to visit them in their home, maybe meet a partner, and/or cuddle a grandchild. But all those choices are theirs for them to make as their life unfolds.I don't have any expectations, but I do have hopes for both them and me

Karanka · 27/12/2015 20:15

I'm still trying to put myself into the shoes of my parents when we were small - "God

LittleMissChatter · 27/12/2015 20:16

If you are a decent parent your kids will want to see you over the Xmas period, if you aren't they won't. Same if you are boring, judge or annoying.

Karanka · 27/12/2015 20:17

"God, this is what they felt like at Xmas!" is how that should have ended :-)

knobblyknee · 27/12/2015 20:20

I'm there now, they cooked me dinner and I washed up, it was a lovely relaxing day for all of us. I bought DIL 'Animorphia' which she seems pleased with, and she bought me a really thoughtful cabinet of drawers for my jewellery making bits and bobs.
I decided years ago not to be a burden to them and its paid off

SheGotAllDaMoves · 27/12/2015 20:23

I plan to be a fantastic in law/granny.

Always there when needed ( even for the shit jobs) with a huge joint of meat and a case of champagne in hand and perfectly happy to go my own way when not needed or wanted.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/12/2015 20:27

Aww, me too SheGotAllDaMoves - bring it on!
Sounds a bit like Mary Poppins, but with alcoholic beverage of choice
Sounds great knobblyknee

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 27/12/2015 20:29

We chose to go on holiday just the 4 of us this year over Christmas. My in-laws took themselves off to a boutique hotel for 4 nights and had a blast by all accounts. My parents gave us a guilt trip for the nth time for not being there with them when we called to say Merry Xmas (we spent last Christmas with them and will be there for New Year).

I know which set I will be modelling myself on in my dotage!

CastaDiva · 27/12/2015 20:32

This is a fascinating thread. Only on Mn (genuinely) do I see adult couples with or without children who religiously trek to one another's families in alternate years. I honestly don't know anyone in RL who does it, even those who live in the same country as their parents, who are probably in the minority in my friendship groups.

I'm very fond of my parents, and Skype often, and visit when I can, but haven't spent Christmas with them more than once or twice in my adult life, ditto with ILs.

The 'every second year' assumption seems to rest on adult children living in the same country as their parents, and working at something that allows time off at Christmas, and a sense that alternate years is the normal pattern..?

Krampus · 27/12/2015 20:41

Euphemia completely agree. I can want what I like but have no control and most problems start when people start trying to control what they shouldn't.

I have no idea how my boy's lives will pan out, where they will live, what their homelife set up will be, where and when they will work and live, what needs will be within their other extended social and family networks. Who knows what will happen in the future.

I am a little surprised at the amount of responses that mention it's ok if the grown up kids want to come to their's or not. Won't many of our kids be expecting us to go to them at some point I often laugh with my husband that both our parents are still desperate to host but will not come to us, unlike their parents who were expected to visit them

On a slightly different tangent. I only have sons and come from a family of boys, my husband also comes from a mainly male family. In my circles it isnt the case that the dil's family mainly gets Christmas preference.

VenusInFauxFurs · 27/12/2015 20:46

Katanka, I assumed you were quoting God in your first post.

katienana · 27/12/2015 20:47

I would hope for alternate years and on the free years I'd either have a quiet day with dh and I or we'd be away somewhere hot! If I was truly alone I'd volunteer I think. I love alone time but I think I'd go a bit mad if it was days on end.

TheBouquets · 27/12/2015 20:48

I have read a lot of things on here about the problems of having relatives at Christmas times. It seems that no matter what anyone does it is wrong in the eyes of some. As a child I was driven round various relatives, some were staying with us, enjoyed all my Christmases. I never thought I was hard done, I could take my new toys and books with me.
Nowadays we have the bad mannered conduct of this one wont come to that house if another is coming. I just don't see why people cant act with decency and good manners and get through 1 day without a battle.
I hope to show my DC good family meetups. I refuse to demand that some of the argumentative ones just get on with it for the one day. If they don't want to I wont bother trying.
I thought year about was fair but even that is not acceptable to some here. Even each year at a different house if there are divorced and remarried parents. Some just seem to want things their way without consideration to others.
I have a plan for Christmas once DC have left home. I want to go away on a break at Christmas and leave all the in fighting to those who want that. I would not do that if DC wanted me to be around. There are some on here who scare me about how older people are to be treated. One day they will, with luck, be that old person.

notquiteruralbliss · 27/12/2015 20:53

Once I had left home and moved in with DH, we generally didn't spend Christmas with parents or in laws and I don't expect my adult DCs to spend Christmas with us. Any that want to will, of course, be welcome. We do generally visit adult DCs or they visit us at dome point over Christmas and NY but I would hate there to be a sense that anyone has to visit on a specific day.

Ta1kinPeece · 27/12/2015 21:14

TBH I've only had Christmas with my dad once in my memory
and have not yet spoken to him this Christmas

have no in laws

alternate year is MUCH better than the "every year" that was inflicted by part of the family

and flexibility while drinking champagne is the best way

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