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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset....

419 replies

Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 10:36

Booked a 3D scan for today as thought this would be a lovely thing to do as a family (dh, ds and 2 dss) at Christmas and told older step children about it a few weeks ago. One showed no interest and said at the time he would probably have plans so I let it go there and then but other ( who lives with us full time ) said yes,great, he'd be there. This morning he has clearly forgotten and announces he has a guest coming round, I was not consulted directly but pointed out to dh that guest should be put off until later in the day as a previous commitment has been made but dh decides to take the easy route and just let it go. Left feeling really crushed, dh can't see why I am upset and can't understand that he should be showing his adult sons that if you have committed to something you should see it through, even if you have forgotten once reminded you should stick with first commitment. Note my parents would have loved to have come but I didn't invite as was treating it as a thing for just the 5 of us. AIBU?

OP posts:
shazzarooney99 · 27/12/2015 16:34

Hmmm when are the children back at school?

fidel1ne · 27/12/2015 16:38

I have prepared Ds about every possible outcome including the worst possible scenario. If I die, I'm dead regardless of if Ds witnessed it happening.

So, yes, it makes no difference to your deadness, that's true. But it would make a HUGE difference to your son's trauma levels if he had witnessed your death in childbirth.

You do see the difference between his POV and your POV, don't you? DON'T YOU?

fidel1ne · 27/12/2015 16:39

I hope you're right shazza. It does look like a duck and quack like a duck, after all.

'Revered by them all' indeed Hmm Grin Hmm

PitPatKitKat · 27/12/2015 16:42

Witnessing my mother's death when I was 33 traumatised me. She had terminal cancer, she was in huge pain a lot of the time, I had known she was going to die for a while. Still took me years to get past it and it changed me for ever.

BackInTheRealWorld · 27/12/2015 16:44

HAhahahA this thread is brilliant. have you thought about making a family meal out of the placenta to truly all bond over this miraculous event?

ptumbi · 27/12/2015 16:46

Wow - you are OK with your 11yo son seeing you naked, your genitals, your breasts, your loss of dignity, (hah!) your possible death??!! What about if the birth goes wrong and the baby dies? Are you OK with him seeing that?

BackInTheRealWorld · 27/12/2015 16:46

WorraLiberty Sun 27-Dec-15 16:22:01
I'm just waiting for the OP to tell us they were all present at the conception too.

Including the step-son's girlfriend.

HAhahahA I have proper tears!!

GoApeShit · 27/12/2015 16:50

I was about to post and say I think the OP was getting a bit of an unnecessarily hard time here.

Then the invite to the home birth popped up.

Chippednailvarnish · 27/12/2015 16:54

I wonder if DSS will have the joyous job of scooping the poop out of the pool if the OP accidentally has a BM. I'm sure he'll love that.

shins · 27/12/2015 16:55

This thread has made my (dull, chocolate-stunned) day Smile

I will keep an eye out for the star in the East.

shazzarooney99 · 27/12/2015 16:57

shins!!!! what about the 3 wise men? or should that be 3 wise moneys?

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 16:58

Yes if Dss and his gf are desperate to see what's going on I am not precious about 'being seen' and they are very welcome to pop in. I've not got anything they haven't seen before ! ....at the same time if they find it awkward or embarasssing they can hide at the other end of the house and visit once the mess has been cleared, I am easy either way. My first labour was on Xmas day and so was interpursed by visits from family members! I made small talk between contractions. No one fainted. We are lucky enough to have a big bedroom that could hold half the street without getting under the midwife's feet! It will certainly cause no great issue to have a couple of people discreetly watch. After all one born is viewed by millions of complete strangers! Does that make all those mothers 'weird' or 'freaky' ?by the time we hit the messy bits I will be so far in the zone I won't care who is there, modesty really doesn't exist in childbirth. I want Ds to see what's happening as normal and not disgusting and he is being educated to approach the event with an open mind but aware of how things may go off plan but we will all remain calm and composed and he will take my lead. However judging by the sobbing mess I had between Ds and dh at the fun scan I will be dealing with a great pile of emotional males should everything come good.

OP posts:
fidel1ne · 27/12/2015 16:59

I've not got anything they haven't seen before !

Err Hmm

Was that apres ski?

AliceInUnderpants · 27/12/2015 17:02

Have you done any research into stimulating lactation? There are drugs that the step-son's gf could take so she could even breastfeed for you. In fact, I'm pretty sure the males could get in on it too!

shazzarooney99 · 27/12/2015 17:03

AliceInUnderpants lol eughhhhhhhhhh lmao made me laugh though.

MyNewBearTotoro · 27/12/2015 17:03

I think everyone is focusing on the likelihood of him likelihood of him witnessing his mother's death too much. The chance of that happening is minuscule. It's unlikely that the OP will die in the first place but even if a serious complication did arise there would usually be enough warning to get the DS out of the room. If things weren't going as planned the normal outcome would be to get the mother to hospital, not to leave her at home with her DS watching her bleed to death. Of course it's not impossible a serious complication should arise suddenly and with no time to intervene and remove DS from the room but it's extremely unlikely.

If you google 'children at home birth' you'll see it's really not that uncommon and that most stories are very positive. Of course it's not for every family (or even every child within a family) but just because you wouldn't consider it doesn't mean the OP is wrong or making a bad parenting decision for inviting her DS to be present at the birth if he chooses to be.

That said the reality of birth may be very different to whatever your DS is imagining and I think it's important you make it clear whilst he's free to be at the birth he's also free to leave at anytime and no one will be upset of disappointed in him if he decides it's too boring/ weird/ gory etc being there and chooses to leave. It should be 100% his decision to watch with no pressure from anyone else. It might also be worth having another trusted adult (eg: grandparent) to be there to offer him any support he might need if he finds the event overwhelming (or in the unlikely event complications arise) as it's likely you and DH won't be able to do so once things are underway.

fidel1ne · 27/12/2015 17:07

I think everyone is focusing on the likelihood of him likelihood of him witnessing his mother's death too much.

No, I think we are focussing on what OP SAID about the possibility of her son witnessing her death.

There's not much to focus on other than the litany of bizarre things she keeps saying. In normal-land it would just be 'woman has a baby with minimal hoopla'.

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 17:09

Let's face it, how likely is it that I will die ? Yes he would find it hard to watch, would it be less hard if it was something that happened in the unknown? Probably not. I've never found seeing people die as traumatic. It depends how you are raised to see death. I don't fear it, it would be preferably if it didn't happen just yet but if it does he knows I loved him very much and it is his turn to go forward in life and he made my life richer by being in it. His world will not end because I have gone, nor should it. If baby dies then that too is something we must accept as never meant to be, sad but in the real world that happens so we will be very sad but accepting.

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 27/12/2015 17:10

When seen live a totally different picture emerges and you can see the baby moving and pulling faces and yawning etc, the big screens are so everyone can see clearly unlike the medical scan where you crane your head to peer at a computer monitor that is facing away from you

You do realise it's a medical scan to check everything is ok, not entertainment. The 20 week scan is not a gender scan, it's an anomaly scan where you can find out the sex as an extra.

Coconutty · 27/12/2015 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostspirit · 27/12/2015 17:11

you might be so far in zone op. but your son may not be. yes it is natural maybe your son does not realise you could be shitting everywhere. you cant compare your own birth to one born. its filmed we only see the good bits. i have never seen any one shit on one born and i have not seen their lady bits because it all gets covered.

small talk between contractions :/ so what when they are intense and a few seconds apart.

ghnocci · 27/12/2015 17:13

So basically you don't find watching somebody die traumatic and if your baby died you'd be a little bit sad but hey ho that's life?

Biscuit
Notsobadpharma · 27/12/2015 17:16

Tending to agree with Bunmaker.

If I became pregnant now (which would be disastrous, given my meds and nothing short of miraculous...) other half suggesting inviting his two grown up lads to a 3D scan would have me hiding in a cupboard for all 3 trimesters regardless of comfiness of sofas.

Tend to think maybe sharing has become too commonplace and everyday

Nachos...yum, cheesy dip?

Original poster
Phalenopsisgirl · 27/12/2015 17:18

Fidel, I'll take that as a joke not an accusation of incest. Obviously I am referring to my vagina not being any different to anyone else's vagina.

Ds will be free to wander as he pleases, home life will carry on around me, there will be no soap opera style drama. Just someone giving birth as millions do every year. What is different is that should any family member want to witness this (rare for us as a family) event they are welcome to be included as you don't get many chances in life to see a human birth, and as 'one born' has proved with its huge viewing figures people actually find birth interesting and exciting to see.

OP posts:
ghostspirit · 27/12/2015 17:20

mynewbear i kind of agree. my 3 year old was at my birth. by accident though. and on 2nd home birth everyone was in the house but not in the actual room. i think your right if any complications where going to happen the midwifes would have the boy out of the room like a flash.

but i think with the 3d scan thing and how devastated op seemed to be and the birth and all the excitement it almost comes across like pressure on the siblings and half fairy tale.

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