Don't know how to deal with grandparental favouritism

[honeylulu]

Posted before on a linked topic about my sister deciding to cut me and my husband/children out of her life because she was jealous of an aspect of mine. I won't bore everyone by adding the background again (gender disappointment).
At the time she made clear she didn't want to exchange Christmas/birthday gifts not even for children and she had spoken to my parents who agreed to do the same. My parents basically think the sun shines out of her arse and do whatever she says. I was disappointed but partly because it's so different to my own childhood Christmases. We got gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents etc. My children 10 and 1 now only get presents from us (parents). We can afford to give them plenty so not a problem in itself.
However my parents show massive favouritism to my sister's sons which really hurts especially now my eldest notices. I.e.has them to stay every school holiday so my sister doesn't have to pay for holiday care (though she is also well off) but don't babysit mine at all as they "don't know then well enough". Parents also see us/our kids a lot less as they seem to not want to risk upsetting my sister by showing to much interest particularly in our youngest (daughter).
All bearable. I've learnt to suck it up as raising it just causes upset and me being ostracised as the troublemaker.
Anyway due to visit parents tomorrow for couple of days Christmas visit. Had previously invited them to spend Christmas day with us but were asked to wait while parents in turn waited for an invitation from favoured sister's family (sister's family actually asked to stay with parents in the end). Phoned today to arrange visit. Briefly spoke to one of my nephews who was very excited about his new roller skates. Turns out Granny and Grandpa got then for him. My mum snatched the phone back, flustered and said "oh yes, we only got them presents because they were here on the day itself". I said "oh ok".
But I'm gutted. This means (seeing as sister usually spends Christmas there) that inspite of the gift amnesty she insisted upon, the effect is that she has engineered it so that her children still get the perfect Christmas with, and gifts from their grandparents and mine don't.
I'm so upset and angry. I feel like I (and my children) did nothing to deserve this.
I'd probably just swallow it down if it weren't for seeing parents tomorrow.
Mumsnetters, how do I get through it?

I think strictly makes some good points. You may not be ready for total NC, but keep contract on your terms and at arms length.

Your OH's attitude is coming in for some stick OP but in my view his assessment of what happened yesterday is not far off the mark - I don't see what he said as being unsupportive. He agrees that your parents are unfair in the way they treat you and your children and has said that he feels this is unlikely to change. I don't think they will change either, and even if they do it may only be because they feel they have to keep the peace superficially. He might have been better to keep the thought that there was no need to leave yesterday to himself but (putting my tin hat on here) I think I agree with him bearing in mind that your son didn't want to leave and your little one ended up being upset because everyone else was. Flouncing out (which unfortunately is how they will see it after they in their view had made an effort to equal things up a bit) might just bring home to them how hurt you are, but more likely to me is that it will end up being their main talking point which detracts from what was, and is the main issue of their unfair favouritism towards your sister and her child and the effect this is having on you and your children

It's a crap situation to be in OP and your parents (mum especially in view of the things she said) are absolutely in the wrong, but even though a lot of damage has been done which will be hard to undo going totally NC is a huge step and may bring regrets for you in years to come.

FWIW my view is you've made your point with them and it's up to them now what they do to improve things. Can you bear to let sleeping dogs lie until the next natural opportunity comes up to speak to them and in the meantime try and explain what is going on to your son in the least hurtful way you can. Personally I feel that for whatever reason, your mum and dad have totally lost the plot. As to your sister I truly don't know what to say. She obviously has huge issues and may well be in more need of their help and support than you at present, but this shouldn't result in you and children being treated as second best.

Thank you wise mumsnetters. I've taken some time to catch my breath and read all of your responses. I'm especially grateful for two reasons. Firstly for encouraging me to grow the ladyballs to have the confrontation (for all the good it did ffs) and secondly to make me realise there are people out there who think I'm not actually BU.
To answer a few points:
I don't know what I'll do next. I don't need to do anything for a while as my parents won't contact me. They'll be waiting for an apology for my terrible and rude behaviour during the visit when they were trying to treat us to a lovely couple of days (and yes, it would have been lovely had I not been aware of the contrast between how mine and my sister's family are treated.) I may well write a letter and decide later whether to send it, but I don't think it will do any good.They've clearly decided what they want to think. The phrase going through my head all the way home was "surplus to requirements" ie me and my children.
I'm not sure if can go NC at least long term. One reason is my son (10) who adores his grandparents (I just wish they appreciated this although they are lovely to him when they do see him) and was close to hysterical at the suggestion we wouldn't see them any more. He was the first grandchild so there was a lovely golden time when he was really special to them and that's obviously stuck with him. Secondly, my parents are in their seventies, have both had cancer and other health problems. Sooner or later something will happen: serious illness, residential care, widowhood etc. From past experience my sister will "go to pieces" and I'll need to deal with the practicalities. Yes I could say fuck them, they've made their bed, but I don't think I can. As a PP has said my love for them seems unconditional compared to their more conditional love for me, but I don't know what I can do about that.
My mum has major self esteem issues (ironically stemming from being a lesser favoured child herself) and "needs to be needed". I've always been very independent even as a child and she seems to have taken that as a personal affront. Needless to say my sister is the polar opposite.
I anticipate in the future I will keep them much more at arm's length and keep myself on emotional lockdown.
People have asked if my sister is a single mum. She isn't. She has a very nice (and very wealthy) husband who seems very confused on the odd occasions we have seen him as to why she now blanks us.
Husband (mine) is not as horrid as he sounds. He has been very supportive and experienced similar with his family (narcissistic troublemaker of a mother). He went NC with own family for a few years (long long story) and then his younger brother and mother both died within about a year of each other. His mother expressed her sorrow and regret right at the end and he's always questioned if he could/should have handled it differently. We've discussed at length previously and his view is either 1) if it's too much, just go NC or 2) stay in contact but guard your emotions and have the back of those who really matter and are loyal to you. He was pissed off yesterday because my confrontation seemed to come out of nowhere when we were having a bearable visit and children enjoying themselves. Sort of "if you know what you were going to say and how it would end (which I did), why did we all have to travel hundreds of miles for you to say it?". We had a date night tonight and he also admitted that I seem like such a "rock" to everyone - I hardly ever lose my temper and hardly ever cry in front of anyone - that it's really shocking when it does happen. He totally backs me but feels (rightly , I think) that I need to decide how to deal with it myself.
Night night all! Thanks again.x

I am not saying its right, but you have your answer right in front of you. Yes you need to detach yourself emotionally and physically from them, mabey contact your mum not to apologise but to tell her how you feel. It seems as though they do love your children but distance is a factor, as well as your sisters neediness. When you talk to your mum thank them for kids presents and for making a special meal, but also tell them you feel that they don't treat your kids in the same way as your sisters. Mabey invite them over one weekend to spend time with their grandkids and take it from there.

Talk to your kids. Tell them you are hurt, and tell them you think it is unfair. Explain not all families are perfect.
Let them have their say. You have your say. I think this is going to be a big decision for all of you.

They may want to go and see how it goes.
But if I were you I'd want to talk to your wretched parents and explain that favoritism is completely unacceptable. Because apparently they need telling.

Very well said honey.
I can totally understand now why your DH was a bit angry with you and what you say about the situation with your parents is spot on.

I don't think I'd be able to go completely NC with them either and I'd hate for you to regret that decision at some point.

You seem very level-headed and very much in control of your emotions.

Wishing you and your family a peaceful 2016

Your H is a bystander here honeylulu acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. These weak types come out with such platitudes. He does not want to get involved because he is himself weak and lacks a backbone.

Do you know the OPs husband!? Quite a character assassination there.

for you OP.

Tough to come to terms with all of this but what I would say is also do not let yourself be the one who deals with all future problems that lie ahead. They don't deserve that reward.

Bless you Op you sound like a good-egg
Personally I'd just do nothing,certainly don't apologise.don't phone/e-mail them.

Do you think they'd contact you eventually?

Shocking behaviour.so sad for the Dc

It's a hard line to find between being a decent human and being a dogsbody. That's unfortunately something only you can tread yourself and you'll probably find yourself sometimes falling either side. The best thing you can do for yourself is try to accept this is the way it is and train yourself not to need thanks that will never come. Try to steel yourself as its only going to be rough on you otherwise.

Fwiw, my mil has shown herself up this Christmas and, whilst DH isn't happy or fully accepting, even he realised that some of what she was doing was very out of order. The beauty of this is we can now manage just how much our DCs are going to see of this. Being the grandchild of two sets of dodgy grandparents, I'm a little more aware of how damaging grandparent behaviour is.