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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't know how to deal with grandparental favouritism

110 replies

honeylulu · 26/12/2015 21:47

Posted before on a linked topic about my sister deciding to cut me and my husband/children out of her life because she was jealous of an aspect of mine. I won't bore everyone by adding the background again (gender disappointment).
At the time she made clear she didn't want to exchange Christmas/birthday gifts not even for children and she had spoken to my parents who agreed to do the same. My parents basically think the sun shines out of her arse and do whatever she says. I was disappointed but partly because it's so different to my own childhood Christmases. We got gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents etc. My children 10 and 1 now only get presents from us (parents). We can afford to give them plenty so not a problem in itself.
However my parents show massive favouritism to my sister's sons which really hurts especially now my eldest notices. I.e.has them to stay every school holiday so my sister doesn't have to pay for holiday care (though she is also well off) but don't babysit mine at all as they "don't know then well enough". Parents also see us/our kids a lot less as they seem to not want to risk upsetting my sister by showing to much interest particularly in our youngest (daughter).
All bearable. I've learnt to suck it up as raising it just causes upset and me being ostracised as the troublemaker.
Anyway due to visit parents tomorrow for couple of days Christmas visit. Had previously invited them to spend Christmas day with us but were asked to wait while parents in turn waited for an invitation from favoured sister's family (sister's family actually asked to stay with parents in the end). Phoned today to arrange visit. Briefly spoke to one of my nephews who was very excited about his new roller skates. Turns out Granny and Grandpa got then for him. My mum snatched the phone back, flustered and said "oh yes, we only got them presents because they were here on the day itself". I said "oh ok".
But I'm gutted. This means (seeing as sister usually spends Christmas there) that inspite of the gift amnesty she insisted upon, the effect is that she has engineered it so that her children still get the perfect Christmas with, and gifts from their grandparents and mine don't.
I'm so upset and angry. I feel like I (and my children) did nothing to deserve this.
I'd probably just swallow it down if it weren't for seeing parents tomorrow.
Mumsnetters, how do I get through it?

OP posts:

Arkhamasylum · 27/12/2015 15:07

You all deserve better, OP.

Your parents letting your children, (and you) know that they are less loved and wanted, to placate your sister, is the worst kind of bullying.

Rotten bastards, the lot of them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/12/2015 15:15

Honey - your parents should be ashamed of themselves. Deliberately hurting you and your children, to pander to a bully, is utterly unacceptable behaviour.

I applaud you for your determination to speak your mind.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 27/12/2015 15:15

This is just horrible to read.

I think you need to sit your parents down and tell them calmly but assertively how hurt and sidelined you feel. And what do they have to say for themselves about it?

Boutonneux · 27/12/2015 15:28

Am I reading this right? Your sister has nothing to do with you or your family because she was jealous you had a baby girl and she didn't? And not only that, she's "forced" your parents into not buying your children Christmas presents?

What the actual fuck?

That is just horrible... I would have nothing more to do with the lot of them; start putting yourself and your children first OP.

Your sister sounds unhinged but your parents... I've never heard anything like it, why the hell didn't they tell her a big, fat NO WAY when she made these crazy demands?

NameChanger22 · 27/12/2015 15:44

My parents are like this, only much worse - I wish it was only presents. My only solution was to completely cut all family out of my life after years of abuse. It sounds very drastic, but the situation wasn't just extreme favouritism but other factors as well and it was unbearable. I've been much happier since I cut all ties, but I'm still sad that I don't have a nice family.

I don't have any solutions for you, just my sympathy. It's heartbreaking.

witsender · 27/12/2015 15:51

I'm sorry, but this would be a 'no contact' thing for me. I would go, send kids to the park with DH and calmly, but firmly tell them exactly what I think of them and their behaviour. Take a list, so you don't get flustered. Don't get guilted, or side tracked. Then leave. You get nothing but negativity from this relationship, and I would not expose my kids to it.

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2015 15:56

Even if your parents lived on the other side of the world, they should still give their grandchildren presents! Who wouldn't???

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to keep my big mouth shut. (That's my downfall though!)

I can't believe your sister is jealous because you have daughters!
Did you choose them in a shop?!

BitchPeas · 27/12/2015 15:58

Poor you OP. Abosolutly shit behaviour from your dsis and dparents. It's pathetic. Say your peice then cut them off and leave them to it. I know it's not easy but in this situation you need to protect your children's self esteem. God knows what shit they will throw at you as your daughter gets older. Wash your hands of them now.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2015 16:01

You might have the same responses from them again, this time you will have to tell them that for the well being of yiur DC, you will go non contact with them. Sad but they have brought this on themselves, I would never let my children pull stunts like that on us. Yiur DC have to see yiu have their back.

PhoenixReisling · 27/12/2015 16:15

I agree with PP.

I would no longer suck it up and allow my parents to treat both myself and their grandchildren in this way. I would tell them that this cannot continue and if they choose to ignore the points that you raise, then I would stress that I would no longer have a relationship with them.

I don't say that lightly. I am virtually non contact with my family. It is tough and it does make me sad. But, I am happier this way and it has made me into a better mother.

BeckerLleytonNever · 27/12/2015 17:46

I had this growing up. blatant favouritism for sibling, and now the same for siblings little treasure.

My DC completely ignored. they cant cope with her disabilities, its a embarrassment to the 'family' name and 'honour', as am I withj my disabilities.

it fu cking hurts, and I never get used to it, always hoping they'll change, but no....

OP, YANBU, unfortunately it happens a lot in many families.

llhj · 27/12/2015 19:02

How did you get on?

ollieplimsoles · 27/12/2015 19:32

Your sister should have a look at the infertility boards on here, then she would see what real disappointment is. What a nasty b**tch.

I hope you got on ok op

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2015 20:22

How did it go op?

Asheth · 27/12/2015 20:32

Hope everything went ok today OP. I suspect thus has nothing to do with gender disappointment. That's just the excuse your sis uses to control yourparents parents. If she'd had one of each and you'd had two boys she would have found something else to use.

Sansfards · 27/12/2015 20:44

Hope you're alright after today.
Families can be so hurtful so look after your self and your own little family

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2015 09:40

sandgrown · 28/12/2015 09:50

Hi hope you managed to work something out x

QOD · 28/12/2015 09:50

You really need to assert yourself, you poor thing

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2015 10:14

How did it go op? Did you give them what for? I hope you ripped them a piece and then some. They bloody deserve it! It is disgusting that they are little a spoiled little princess dictate to them, they sound utterly spineless and weak. To the point that they are treating their other grandchildren like rubbish. Not only that, the grandchildren are starting to notice now. Really in this situation, if you received the same rubbish excuses, no contact with these toxic individuals is the best thing. They bring nothing to you or your dc life, making it harder and more upsetting for you all.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2015 10:16

Op no more sucking it up, and taking it, you are doing your dc no favours, by supporting this treatment of them, it is not ok, and it is not acceptable!!!!

Original poster

honeylulu · 28/12/2015 19:51

Well, that was fun. Now on way home after cutting short visit and after being there less than 24 hours. As I could have b predicted nothing is resolved and everyone thinks I'm "being difficult". I'm just hoping getting it if my chest will feel better in days to come.

Rather disarmed on our arrival yesterday as my mum had prepared a special meal, made a big fuss of the children and most surprisingly of all, there were presents for all of us (not just children). If I'm being cynical I'd guess my mum had bought and wrapped them after our awkward boxing day phone call (In years when we've exchanged gifts they've always asked for ideas of what we/son would like). Then in the early hours of this morning my 10 year old had been up being sick. I didn't know about this as my dad had looked after him (he was in the medical profession and takes things like this in his stride while the rest of us are rather vomit phobic). So it didn't really seem apt to raise any contentious issues.
Took kids out to local attraction this morning (son feeling better) but later on I noticed an expensive gift of my mum's and said "wow that's nice, who is that from?". It emerged that in fact despite my sisters decree that no one would be exchanging presents that my parents and sisters family still do so, for adults as well as children. The only difference is that we had been cut out.
I guess my mum realised I might challenge her in this (hence getting us gifts this year). But when I did she sulked and pouted, didn't want to discuss it, kept flouncing out of the room while I chased after. It was a fucking farce and I felt like I was bullying her. In the end these were the home truths delivered:
"You don't need us like your sister does".
"She is my best friend and I won't jeopardise that. "
"We're so close to the boys [nephews] and we just love spending time with them. "
And finally from my dad "you've really upset your mother. We had had a lovely Christmas until you decided to spoil it. "
So we got our coats and left. Husband is fucked off with me for ruining the visit. (He actually agrees the favouritism is appalling but doesn't think anything will change, better for kids to know their grandparents, so anything for a quiet life. )
Son is upset because he was enjoying the visit and seeing grandparents. Daughter (toddler) upset because everyone else upset.
So here I am in the doghouse! FFS!

OP posts:

2015nearlyover · 28/12/2015 19:57

Your sister is your mother's 'best friend'?! Good lord, how wrong is that! Well done on not putting up with this shit.

SevenSeconds · 28/12/2015 20:05

Oh OP

StrictlyMumDancing · 28/12/2015 20:05

"We're so close to the boys [nephews] and we just love spending time with them. "

That's lovely. What about trying to get close to your DC then?

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