Don't know how to deal with grandparental favouritism

[honeylulu]

Posted before on a linked topic about my sister deciding to cut me and my husband/children out of her life because she was jealous of an aspect of mine. I won't bore everyone by adding the background again (gender disappointment).
At the time she made clear she didn't want to exchange Christmas/birthday gifts not even for children and she had spoken to my parents who agreed to do the same. My parents basically think the sun shines out of her arse and do whatever she says. I was disappointed but partly because it's so different to my own childhood Christmases. We got gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents etc. My children 10 and 1 now only get presents from us (parents). We can afford to give them plenty so not a problem in itself.
However my parents show massive favouritism to my sister's sons which really hurts especially now my eldest notices. I.e.has them to stay every school holiday so my sister doesn't have to pay for holiday care (though she is also well off) but don't babysit mine at all as they "don't know then well enough". Parents also see us/our kids a lot less as they seem to not want to risk upsetting my sister by showing to much interest particularly in our youngest (daughter).
All bearable. I've learnt to suck it up as raising it just causes upset and me being ostracised as the troublemaker.
Anyway due to visit parents tomorrow for couple of days Christmas visit. Had previously invited them to spend Christmas day with us but were asked to wait while parents in turn waited for an invitation from favoured sister's family (sister's family actually asked to stay with parents in the end). Phoned today to arrange visit. Briefly spoke to one of my nephews who was very excited about his new roller skates. Turns out Granny and Grandpa got then for him. My mum snatched the phone back, flustered and said "oh yes, we only got them presents because they were here on the day itself". I said "oh ok".
But I'm gutted. This means (seeing as sister usually spends Christmas there) that inspite of the gift amnesty she insisted upon, the effect is that she has engineered it so that her children still get the perfect Christmas with, and gifts from their grandparents and mine don't.
I'm so upset and angry. I feel like I (and my children) did nothing to deserve this.
I'd probably just swallow it down if it weren't for seeing parents tomorrow.
Mumsnetters, how do I get through it?

Oh my, I am stuck in this same situation with my family, except they're at my house so I can't just leave!
My sister was the favoured child and is still, and now has twins a lot younger than my 3, that she raises on her own. Except that my bloody mother seems to think she is the children's father. She's obsessed with them. They have been here for 3 days and I am sick of my children being ignored/ told to shush/ feeding them etc. I don't know how many times I've been told my sister must be exhausted - I worked Christmas Eve, Boxing Day and am back in tomorrow, and I have 3 of my own and am running round after them.
Dd is 14 and says things like Granny is only bothered with them.
The boys are playing on the Xbox to keep out if the way.

If you come up with an answer, let me know!

Most disappointed in your husband, tbh. These are your parents and they are treating you like you should be appreciative of any scraps from their table, as should your children, and their absolutely disgraceful behaviour as parents is somehow your fault for mentioning it, and not theirs for actually doing it.

You are their child too. Your children are their grandchildren too.

They are treating you as second class in every way, then reacting with indignant self-pity when you point out how unfair this is.

Your husband should understand how desperately hurt you are. They are your parents, and you are being rejected as lesser, and of course that hurts. You'd have to be made of stone for it not to hurt.

So sorry, OP. It's not you. It really, really is not you.

Very disappointed for you. I think you need to decide what exactly you want. A sub standard relationship on their terms that you can accept or a clean break for you? I might write them a long letter outlining your points succinctly and as unemotionally as you can. Your mother sounds very weird, it's bang out of order telling one daughter that the other is her best mate. So very hurtful to you. Then the ball is in their court after the letter.

honey you have done nothing wrong. Your mums words were very telling to you, and it indeed seems like your sister is the favourite and you just secondary. Does she tell your sister she is being difficult I wonder, or just has different standards for her! Really your relationship with them will always be poor, If I were you, I would seriously distance yourselves from them. You will always end up disappointed and in the doghouse. You need to show your dcs that you have their backs.

Your expectations of them have to be lower now, but you do not have to accept it, that goes hand in hand with distancing yourselves.

Good one for challenging the unfairness! That was brave of you. Sorry it was so hard and your mum so (sadly unsurprisingly) mean though. Hope your DH supports you in whatever you decide to do next after some reflection time / a stern word that some things are more important than a quiet life!

you husband needs a metaphorical boxing round the ears. His lack of support is a betrayal. nice to have your own partner gang up on you with your parents

Your mothers responses told you all you needed to know, that the relationship between you parents, yourself and your children will always be unequal, you will always be the poor relation whilst you sister is on this earth. That is not something you have to accept or tolerate, especially as it involves your children. Your dh shoukd have supported you, what he did was extremely wrong, I woukd be having a talk to him about it.

I think you either need to confront them about it, or refuse to go tomorrow

I agree with OSETmum. I am utterly, utterly sick to DEATH of seeing stories on MN involving women who are treated like shit, and by association their children, by either unthinking or uncaring siblings, parents or parent-in-laws. I've been there myself and yes it is hurtful but I can tell you - if you waste your life striving to please people who can't be pleased, or hoping they will "suddenly" realise how poorly or unfair they've treated you, then you are on a hiding to nowhere.

When you have your own family unit they come FIRST - fuck sibling rivalry, in-laws, siblings etc when the chips are down they aren't the ones with or for you. Nor are the numerous DHs I read about on here who seem to be surgically grafted to their sisters (oddbods) judging by the amount of "controlling SIL" stories I see.

Put yourself and your DCs 1st stay home have a nice day in peace and quiet, doing what you want to do. If the grandparents havent bought them a bit present then find a way to make up for that but don't make a big deal of it. Then next time you will be more aware of how to handle it better.

Honestly I can't bear the thought of all these people making women miserable I wish more of us would just opt the hell out of it and put a stop to the fun they seem to get out of all the nasty gameplaying. When someone clearly does not like you, or you see that those you feel love you will favour others over you then please, LEAVE - THEM - BE. Read the signs theyre showing you and look after yourself accordingly

im no contact with my mother one of the many reasons is she refuses to accept my son i had a daughter and eight years later a son (he was extra special as he was the first boy born into the family in forty years he was due 12 months after my nan had died and nan always wanted a boy so the rest of the family were thrilled by him being a boy) she didn't want him to be a boy and bought him pink clothing refused to hold him was point blank on never watching him (she used to see my dd once a fortnight for tea at her house so i could catch up on housework and stuff) we had a family moses basket it was her turn to recover it for the new baby she said it will be fine in the last girl colours they are only in it a short time anyway her older sisters had a word with her and made her do it i have to admit it all got out of control she hasn't seen him since he was 6 months old and has never met his (soon to be three) younger brother

what makes it worse is they are her only grandchildren my sister never had children she is totally unrepentant and blames me totally because i had a boy

So what are you going to do OP?

You don't need us like your sister does".
"She is my best friend and I won't jeopardise that. "
"We're so close to the boys [nephews] and we just love spending time with them. "
And finally from my dad "you've really upset your mother. We had had a lovely Christmas until you decided to spoil it. "

I would email her to outline what she said and that this is the reason you have been excluded from taking part in giving/receiving gifts or having your parents at your house over Christmas. Tell her you've decided to go NC due to favouritism/unfairness.

Blimey what a cruel piece of work your mother is.

What a strange and awful situation.

I think I'd have to distance myself in more than miles.

Op, that's rot.

As adults my mother and I have a close relationship, she has become my friend and is still my mother. I see her much more than my dbro does as we live closer. HOWEVER, all children, children in law and grandchildren are loved and treated equally.

You're mother is choosing to treat you like this. She could choose not to and be a better mother to you and your sister as a result.

Sit down with your Dh and ask him if he honestly wants your children seeing you treated like this as they grow up?

don't ask your dh if he wants you and his children treated like this tell him you're not prepared for you and your children to be treated like this

then ask him his opinion

"better for kids to know their grandparents, so anything for a quiet life"

Your DH needs to grow a pair and support you. You have to ask yourself why he doesnt have your interests at heart, why they fact that its "better" (is it?) for your DCs to have contact with their grandparents trumps the appalling behaviour you've been subjected to

Im NC with my mother (thank God) and as you will know, the put downs and favouritisms can be done very subtly, and the more your children grow the more they will absorb it. My DDs arent NC with their grandmother I decided not to go along that road - but I took no part in bringing them to see her. Now that they're grown they fully understand what she is like, they love her but won't take her crap on board at all. & tbh personally I find it bliss without her around playing her silly favouritism shit-stirring games.

Im divorced from my DDs father but we were together when my mother was at her worst. & as bad as he was in some ways no way did he stick his nose in to tell me what I "should" put up with, how I "should" behave in the face of her treatment. On an occasion I got up and walked out he walked out too. Your DH could have done that but he chose to leave with you THEN berate you. Its just not good...as if you don't matter, as if everyone in your world matters except you. Get selfish, it will do you good.

Well done for walking out. I do the minimum and just go through the motions at family gatherings and then leave. It takes a lot of growing up to realise that a parent and sibling are selfish bitter nasty people and that you're allowed to pretty much ignore them and their shitty behaviour. It won't change - you can change and let it go/let them go - either way you'll feel better once you realise that you can stop them hurting you.

Oh OP, I'm sorry it turned out like that.

I am absolutely gobsmacked at what your DM said to you. She might as well just been more direct and said, 'I like other daughter more than you'. How nasty?!

Personally, I would collect my thoughts and then write a letter explaining how hurt all of this makes you feel. Then leave it. Get on with enjoying your lovely dc's.

As for your DH ...... words fail me.

OP I am sorry your family of origin dynamic is toxic. I cannot believe from the first post that your sister's immaturity (and what appears to be jealousy) because you had a daughter meant that she made a happy event (the birth of your dd) all about her and gets to dictate what the rest of the family do for Christmas. This is all insanity and emotional immaturity. I am so sorry for the horribly hurtful things your mum said. I would protect yourself and your children and distance yourself from these people who do not have your best interests at heart.

Do you think you may be trying to unconditionally love people (your mum and sis) who are conditionally loving you?

It is irrelevant that she gets on particularly well with her other child. She should still choose to treat you all equally.

Is your dsis a single parent?

"He actually agrees the favouritism is appalling but doesn't think anything will change, better for kids to know their grandparents, so anything for a quiet life".

Their favouritism is indeed appalling and that will not change but he is totally wrong in all the other respects.

This is a dynamic that really started in your childhoods. It is NOT better for your children to know these people; they will simply be taught that they also are second class citizens in the wider family hierarchy and you will be a part of that teaching if you have any more contact with them. Children need decent grandparent role models; not those who openly favour others.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. You are the scapegoat in your family of origin and in turn your children are being scapegoated as well. Your parents were not actually good parents to you so it is really of no real surprise that they are not good grandparent figures to your children either.

Your H is a bystander here honeylulu acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. These weak types come out with such platitudes. He does not want to get involved because he is himself weak and lacks a backbone. His own inertia here when it comes to your parents simply hurts him as well as his own family unit; does he really not realise that?.

Yes your dh is wrong, better to have no relationship with their grandparents, than a substandard one, where they know that they are the less worthy. They will see their cousins getting nice presents and attention and time, whilst they barely see them.

Normally I am all for compromise and trying to get on, but this is toxic and a case for just saying 'enough is enough' and not going on with the relationship.

You don't have to go NC with your parents if you don't want to honey. But I would suggest a withdrawal from them would benefit you. Stop trying, stop contacting them. If they're fussed then they will contact you.

Also at 10 I imagine your DS is old enough to decide if he wants a relationship with them, but that's a call for you to make. If you think he could handle it then have a chat with him and explain that his GPs aren't going to change their behaviour and whilst you know its unfair, you'll back him in whatever he decides and he's allowed to change his mind at any point too.