Don't know how to deal with grandparental favouritism

[honeylulu]

Posted before on a linked topic about my sister deciding to cut me and my husband/children out of her life because she was jealous of an aspect of mine. I won't bore everyone by adding the background again (gender disappointment).
At the time she made clear she didn't want to exchange Christmas/birthday gifts not even for children and she had spoken to my parents who agreed to do the same. My parents basically think the sun shines out of her arse and do whatever she says. I was disappointed but partly because it's so different to my own childhood Christmases. We got gifts from grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents etc. My children 10 and 1 now only get presents from us (parents). We can afford to give them plenty so not a problem in itself.
However my parents show massive favouritism to my sister's sons which really hurts especially now my eldest notices. I.e.has them to stay every school holiday so my sister doesn't have to pay for holiday care (though she is also well off) but don't babysit mine at all as they "don't know then well enough". Parents also see us/our kids a lot less as they seem to not want to risk upsetting my sister by showing to much interest particularly in our youngest (daughter).
All bearable. I've learnt to suck it up as raising it just causes upset and me being ostracised as the troublemaker.
Anyway due to visit parents tomorrow for couple of days Christmas visit. Had previously invited them to spend Christmas day with us but were asked to wait while parents in turn waited for an invitation from favoured sister's family (sister's family actually asked to stay with parents in the end). Phoned today to arrange visit. Briefly spoke to one of my nephews who was very excited about his new roller skates. Turns out Granny and Grandpa got then for him. My mum snatched the phone back, flustered and said "oh yes, we only got them presents because they were here on the day itself". I said "oh ok".
But I'm gutted. This means (seeing as sister usually spends Christmas there) that inspite of the gift amnesty she insisted upon, the effect is that she has engineered it so that her children still get the perfect Christmas with, and gifts from their grandparents and mine don't.
I'm so upset and angry. I feel like I (and my children) did nothing to deserve this.
I'd probably just swallow it down if it weren't for seeing parents tomorrow.
Mumsnetters, how do I get through it?

I'd have to say something, and you need to not let your parents pass the blame onto your sister for their behaviour, they are all responsible for their choices.

The problem here is that your sister is in control of your family and your parents are dancing to her tune. In most families, it would be inconceivable that one daughter would be able to instruct her parents to stop giving Christmas gifts to a sister's children while still receiving them herself. The question here is whether this situation can be altered or whether it is fixed permanently.

It is definitely worth having a go at changing things and I agree with other posters that you should visit your parents and be honest about how you feel. Tell them how hurtful the situation is and how unfair to you and your children. Listen to what your mother says and prepare for her to be defensive. After that, the ball is in her court. If, after your discussion, she doesn't alter her behaviour, I would accept that the situation is a lost cause and start slowly to distance yourself emotionally from them all. If you can't have a good, life-enhancing relationship with your family, you owe it to yourself and your children not to continue in a harmful and demeaning one. To know that she risks losing you might just be the spur your mother needs to break free from your sister's total control.

My maternal GPs did this crap all the time. It hurt us a lot, we never really understood. But we haven't had a meaningful relationship with them ever, and tbh we don't consider them grandparents in anything other than name.

My DM went non contact with them a few years back. We were mightily relieved we didn't have to grin and bear them anymore. Just an occasional gripe from my aunt. We've been told to get over it - shes been told to tell them to, they created this and we were just innocent kids.

Your DC will see. Don't protect your DC from the truth. If they ask why their grandparents are doing it tell them its unfair but that's what they've chosen to do. Don't excuse their behaviour at all. It works well as a number of life lessons too - life isn't always fair, blood isn't thicker than water, treat people the way you want to be treated, etc. But most of all always tell them that you love them, even if other adults in their lives are twats.

Your mum clearly realises she's in the wrong (as she got all flustered) so I think that she might be receptive if you try to have a calm conversation about this. Explain exactly why you are hurt, and then give her a chance to talk. Your sister sounds like a lost cause though.

This is exactly what my mum would have done. It will be couched in 'well I just thought they can't not have a present on Xmas day' and then it will be your fault for drawing attention to the unfairness and that will upset your mum and you will be expected to appologise.

It will not change.

Do you want your children to have a relationship with their grandparents?

Are you prepared for them to be second best?

Cancel and send a letter / email saying how you cannot explain to your children why their cousins got presents and they didn't so when they have explained it adequately then you may allow them a relationship with their grandchildren.

A letter or email has the advantage that she can't twist it to her words, if she wants to show it so someone else then she can.

OP your parents are treating your kids like rubbish, I woukd not be going round there with them, but would go myself and give them a massive bollocking. Even distance yourselfs from the lit if them, if necessary. This is really going to have a negative impact on your DC. This is unacceptable YOU have to tell them. I woukd gave said, where is minihoney presents then, you cannot treat your grandchildren like this. You go out and get them oresents before we see you tomorrow or I will not be bringing them round ever!

My mamma tiger would be coming out, yes your mum knows this was wrong and got flustered. You need to go round there just you and calmly set her straight or there will e no relationship with her gc. This is extremly toxic behaviour and it has to be nipped in the bud.

I too would cancel the planned visit and explain why: because you're upset about their unfair treatment of you and your DC, the gifts being the latest example.

I would then be arranging to visit them alone or with DH (without the DC) at a convenient time, to have it out with them, and base decisions on the amount of future time with them / contact on their words and actions, then and afterwards.

The stately homes threads seem relevant to your situation.

I had toxic grandparents and we had low contact: some of my cousins had much more. Parents explained the reasons for low contact in age-appropriate terms and it was fine for us as DC, was good that they protected us.

As others have said you deal with this by not going. You tell your parents that you aren't coming because the way they are treating you and your children is unacceptable and toxic. Then you walk away and don't allow them into your lives until such time as they acknowledge how bloody disgusting their behaviour is and knock it on the head.

Definitely don't go, if you do you're accepting that their behaviour is fine. How awful for you and your family, hopefully your mum will start to see sense if you can arrange to meet her on her own without the DC and tell her how she's made you feel.

How horrible, what a difficult thing to have to put up with. The problem is the more you have contact with your parents and especially the older your children get the more they will realise they are being treated different. And the more resentments and emotional damage it will cause. You and your children shouldn't have to put up with this, just because it's "family". If your parents want to jump yo your sister that's their choice, you will never be able to change that, but you can change your contact with them.

You need to talk to her. Take the kids in a walk and in a factual way explain what is happening. Request she stays with you next Xmas. Request that she spends identical amounts on all the children.

Have the bigger issues arisen sieve your DD1 was born?

That is really shit OP. You must feel as though it's all totally out of your control and are worried about the impact it will have on your children now and in the future. If you don't talk to your parents about this they won't change. I think other posters have better advice than I could give for how to handle it but you have my sympathies.

Actually yes agree with not going. Be non emotional. State that you cannot attend due to their unfair treatment. Yes meet alone to thrash it out. Be the adult in this. Treat them as naughty children.

I would ask them in writing to to have both your kids 3 nights at Easter (give exact dates) and book a hotel somewhere nice for you. Counterbalance the 'we don't know them well enough' with 'well this will give you a chance to get to know them'

I would also ask them to spend exactly the same on each child and to give your children their late gifts when you next meet.

I'd also book them for next Xmas with 'you spent last Xmas with DSis, so we'll organise for you to come to mine next year so that it's fair'

Yes tell them not to come round unless they bring Christmas presents for the kids. This is part of a much wider issue if favouritism, their inablity and ineffectiveness. You need to tell them that this is unacceptable, unless they take time to get to know their grandchildren and build up a relationship with them, to treat them equally, they won't be seeing them ever, as it is damaging and they are noticing this mistreatment.

I guess you went. Did you say anything?

Thanks everyone. We're in the car on the way there (few hours drive). I'm going to say something. No idea how this will pan out but moaning/moping won't get me anywhere. The thing is, as a Pp pointed out, my mum knows she's being unfair but doesn't care enough to stop. I'm going to call her out on it. They are used to me being the stoical one who doesn't make a fuss whereas sister is very emotional and demonstrative. When I've tried to bring it up before I get one or both of the following responses:
"Poor [sister] she's so sensitive, she is really suffering. "
and
"Why do you turn up and start causing trouble?"
I'll report back but I'm sick of being expected to be happy with the "scraps from the table" (wise words from a pp). I'm hoping getting it off my chest will help. If anything changes that will be a bonus (but I doubt it will).
And yes, for clarification, my sister is jealous that I have a daughter and she doesn't. Tragic isn't it?

Good for you OP I hope your parents will realise how spectacularly hurtful they are being.

Op your parents are indeed dancing to her tune, in the process treating your children very unfairly, to the point they are starting to notice. Unfortunately you will have to be extremely tough, even to the point of going nc with them, so the message hammers it home to them, that they cannot treat their other grandchildren in such a shoddy way. Their behaviour would really hurt, and would make me distance myself from such people. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

You will likely hear the same types of responses from her yet again. It will not go well for you because such people are not willing and or able to hear your very valid point of view. Only their own point of view matters and they will likely shut you down.

What does your DH make of them?.

This favouritism has its roots in your own childhood; it seems that your sister was always favoured by your parents with you being the scapegoat. Sucking it up simply internalises your own pain; it does not help you feel any better. Its not bearable because your eldest child is now noticing the favouritism and you feel gutted.

You are the scapegoat in your family of origin and your children now continue to be scapegoated. They are also noticing this favouritism. All you can ultimately do is withdraw yourselves completely from this situation.

I also think the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the relationships pages could help you as well when you return from there.

When it starts to affect your children, that is when your roar needs to be loud and clear. If you do decide to go nc, then you need to do it, seems easy as you are a few hours away, so not near.

Good luck. Be strong. This is so horrible. Can't believe your parents' behaviour.

Agree with Aero- when it starts affecting your children , something has to he done.
However, be prepared for the possible recriminations. You are the dd that doesn't give them any hassle. They may not like the fact that you are rocking the boat.
Just remember, it's about your children.
If your parents refuse or cannot change their ways, you may have to go NC with them.

Your sister sounds horrendous.