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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give a shit

130 replies

Jjen12345 · 26/12/2015 12:53

Just found out this morning, that the woman who falsely accused Dh of sexual assault killed herself last week.
It was proved that she was lying with cameras, witnesses etc.
And she had previous for this sort of thing. She was never charged for what she put us through.
I was pregnant when she accused my Dh and I became hysterical. I thought I would damage my baby with the stress. It was an awful time.
When I heard she was dead, I thought "good."
She will never be able to almost destroy a family ever again.

OP posts:
CalmYoBadSelf · 27/12/2015 01:13

I'm sorry you have gone through this OP. You have had a horrible thing happen to you and your family and it is understandable you feel this way.

Some people do lie and I find it incredibly distasteful that, even when someone has been exonerated as your DH has, there are some who will still cast aspersions simply based on the fact that the accuser is a woman. This is the exact "mud sticks" scenario that people who are wrongfully accused fear

aurynne · 27/12/2015 01:34

Stalkers do not simply stop stalking, often they try to stalk someone else or even go back to a previous victim. The nightmare is rarely over while the stalker is alive. They are often fantasists and attention-seeking people who live off the misery they cause.

GreatFuckability · 27/12/2015 01:51

The OP wasn't stalked??

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/12/2015 01:52

Who said anything about stalking? Confused

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/12/2015 01:52

Sorry. That was to aurynne not great

fidel1ne · 27/12/2015 01:53

I can't believe you just mentioned fantasists after inventing all that aur

aurynne · 27/12/2015 01:54

Perhaps not the right term? I struggle to find one for the person who falsely accuses someone of something and makes their life a nightmare.

aurynne · 27/12/2015 01:55

Nope, it's probably because I am not a native English speaker. I thought they would be classified as stalkers even though they do not fit the typical "follow the person everywhere" profile.

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/12/2015 02:01

No it isn't. But fair enough if you aren't a native English speaker, stalking would be a prolonged thing (following, messages, phone calls, whatever) rather than a one-off thing.

The thing is though, you mention fantasists and attention-seeking. This woman committed suicide which is indicative of serious mental health issues. If she could have got the support that she needed then there's no reason to think that she ever would have done anything like this again.

GreatFuckability · 27/12/2015 02:06

Odd has it. People who are mentally well don't kill themselves. For all we know she did it because she felt guilt and remorse. Either way, wish eternal suffering on someone doesn't feel right to me b

aurynne · 27/12/2015 02:07

It may have happened like that, but it was not the OP's responsibility to get her the help she needed, or to trust she would. She just wanted her family to be left alone. That woman chose to behave like that and ruin another family's life, a lot of vindictiveness and cruelty is needed to ruin a person's reputation like that. There may have been mental health issues involved, but none of us knows as that bit of information has not been provided. I know many people with MH issues who would never behave like that or use their MH issues as an excuse. Perhaps I do not consider human life as so sacred that anyone who is gone has to be missed by everyone else. I do believe some people in this world are better gone if they cause so much misery and hurt to others. Once again though, this is just a post in an internet forum and none of us has the whole story or the whole truth.

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/12/2015 02:14

I don't expect OP to have got her any help but I'm still sad that she didn't get help. And she was mentally unwell, suicide isn't something that people just do. I've been hospitalised twice for suicide attempts, that is something you do when you are desperate and feel there is nothing left.

None of us know what happened. I'll take OP at face value and believe what she says. Does that mean this woman was never raped? She was, according to OP, extremely drunk. She reported OP's DH to the police. It is possible that she was raped that night yet named the wrong person. None of us know the truth about any of it. I can never be happy or rejoicing in somebody else's death, I can't do it and I don't understand how anybody can. Particularly posts on here that seem to be happy that this woman is dead yet know nothing of her other than what OP has posted. I can't get my head around that.

aurynne · 27/12/2015 02:21

I am neither happy nor sad, I never knew the woman in particular. A lot of people in the World died the same day as that woman that I know nothing about. Do you get sad for each and every one of them? I was just trying to empathise with the OP and figure out how I would be feeling. In my opinion, no, SINBU to feel she does not give a shit that the woman is dead. Others may disagree with me, that is the beauty of AIBU.

GreatFuckability · 27/12/2015 02:41

I just find it odd to empathise with the OP but not be able to do that for the other woman. I don't expect the OP to CARE but I do wish she didn't actively feel glad. That's not excusing the woman's behaviour, or minimizing the OPs hurt.

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/12/2015 02:45

I said I was sad that she didn't get help. Why are you now asking if I feel sad for everybody that died on the same day? The logic doesn't make sense to me.

As great said you're happy to empathise with OP and her feelings but can't feel a single shred of empathy for a woman who got to the point in her life where she killed herself. Why?

aurynne · 27/12/2015 04:33

I tend to sympathise with the victims, and far less with the ones who choose to inflict pain. Weird person I am :P.

WelshMoth · 27/12/2015 08:29

I understand that this event has provoked so many feelings inside you. You have suffered, your DH has suffered, but you must now focus on you, your DS, your DH. She is dead OP. It is finished. There is no where further to go with your feelings, no where for you to direct them because she is gone. Focus on your family now, look to the future.

Dipankrispaneven · 27/12/2015 08:41

OP is entitled to be pleased that the woman can't do this to another family. But I agree that she must have been extremely unwell, particularly given that she killed herself just before Christmas.

TheOptimisticPessimist · 27/12/2015 10:48

OP I'm glad for your family's sake that you have been able to move on from this, it must have been a horrendous experience Thanks

I'd like to say that in your shoes I would still have some sympathy that would prevent me from being glad she had killed herself, but no one could know their feelings until they've been through hell and back like you, so I think it's understandable you're feeling the way you do.

fid while you're right in saying that the CPS would prosecute the case, that would only be in criminal court. OPs DH would be entitled to sue in the civil courts (eg for slander), so the Op is not incorrect in saying they had the opportunity to litigate.

NowSissyThatWalk · 27/12/2015 22:22

This thread is so sad for so many reasons.

IceBeing · 27/12/2015 23:01

bullshit has the op moved on....when you have moved on you stop hating people to the point that you would proudly declare you hope they are still suffering in death.

OP it is clear that this event has been horribly traumatic for you. I think you need some professional help to get through it to the point that you actually aren't still so angry about something that it is clearly properly in the past.

I hope one day the OP will be over this trauma to the point that she finds some compassion for a person so troubled they made up multiple sexual assault claims and then killed herself.

BMW6 · 27/12/2015 23:01

YANBU OP. You have every reason to feel glad she is dead. To falsely accuse someone of such a crime is not automatically a sign that she was "mentally unwell" no more than an actual rapist can claim. I would bet that not one poster saying that she should be pitied would, for a second, extend the same pity to a rapist because he was obviously "mentally unwell".

She not only hurt your DH and you, and his family and friends, but also damaged the credibility of real victims.

Your feelings are perfectly reasonable. No-one has the right to say otherwise, because they are not you.

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/12/2015 23:18

I don't recall anybody saying she was mentally unwell for the false accusation. I do not believe that anybody has ever committed suicide without being mentally unwell. Why would you?

BooAvenue · 28/12/2015 09:25

Agree with Odd. Survival is a basic human instinct, so if that instinct is no longer there then IMO that is mentally unwell.

I am purely speculating here but unless the lady knew your DH or you prior to the incident, it's extremely unlikely she made the accusation maliciously. When accusations like that are made maliciously it is usual in order to ruin someone's life as some sort of retribution, why would she do that to someone she's never met?

Enjolrass · 28/12/2015 09:42

OP never says there was clear CVTV evidence to show he wasn't guilty. Are you writing your own story?

Iggy are you writing your own story. The op says cameras in her OP.

Op I understand. A relative of mine was sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit. Not rape. He has now been cleared and the person that was the main instigator said they had terminal cancer in an attempt to get out prosecution. That was 6 years ago. They have had a miraculous recovery and are cancer free. When o heard they were dying I was happy. They held a position where they could do this again if they chose to.

They are now being prosecuted.

As for the people questioning whether the DP is innocent....shame on you.

False allegations are rare but they do exist. If you didn't believe the OP or suspect her dp got off on a technicality, hide the thread.

It's disgusting to try and imply he probably is guilty and just got away with it.

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