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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He made me cry

90 replies

FlowersAndShit · 23/12/2015 12:13

Just went Christmas food shopping with my dad (he's coming to mine for Christmas). On the way out of the shop he wanted to get money out, so he told me to go back to the car with the trolley, I said i'd just wait here. Then he had a go at me, said that I was useless and had been no help when shopping. He said when he tells me to do soemthing he epects me to do it. It was so unxpected I got in the car and started to cry. He gave me the silent treatment for 40 minutes on the way home. I have MH issues and went nc with him when i was going through a difficult time as a teen as he was unsupportive of my problems. In the last few years I've started talking to him again (pressure from family).

Every time he speaks he'll either critisise me, put me down or tell me how lovely i am. He's so intelligent and calculated and I realise how so many of problems stem from his behaviour towards me as a child. On the way home I felt so ashamed, afraid and like a little girl again.

I've already cut my brother out of my life for being verbally abusive to me, if I cut my dad out i'll only have my mum left. My stepfather is also abusive, so I can't imagine me having a normal healthy loving relationship with any man

OP posts:

Dawndonnaagain · 23/12/2015 12:15

Make friends, real friends and get this controlling arse out of your life. My mother used to do this. Haven't spoken to her for years. It's bloody lovely.
Oh, and take a look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships.

Moonriver1 · 23/12/2015 12:15

Oh Flowers I'm so so sorry, you poor thing. You are a good person and you don't deserve this - no-one does. What do you want to do? x

Damselindestress · 23/12/2015 12:17

You feel like a little girl around him because he still treats you like one. "when he tells me to do soemthing he epects me to do it" You are an adult and don't have to put up with that. I think going NC with him was the right decision and it would be a good idea to do it again. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Are you receiving any professional help for your mental health issues and to deal with issues from your childhood?

RaspberrySwitchblade · 23/12/2015 12:18

you went NC for a reason, and I'm sorry he chose to remind of that just then

you are not useless, you are not there to help him, you are there because he's your dad.

However, him being your dad does not give him to right to treat you like that.

what would be the best outcome for you, to get through christmas, and be able to have a happy time?

Lweji · 23/12/2015 12:18

Are you still going to have him for Christmas?

You may not have other family, but do you really want someone around who damages your mental health?

I'd have been tempted to get to the car, put it all in the booth and take off without him

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 23/12/2015 12:22

I know it sounds stupid but when i'm old i'm worried that i'll die alone on my own in my flat and nobody would know for months.

OP posts:

Gruntfuttock · 23/12/2015 12:23

Cut him out of your life, Flowers. Regard that as your Christmas present to yourself. It can only improve your life and mental health to go NC with him and make sure it's permanent this time.

RaspberrySwitchblade · 23/12/2015 12:24

that doesn't sound stupid, but once you've cut the nasty people out of your life, the lovely ones can grow more lasting friendships with you.

there might be fewer people in your life, but they will form quality relationships

AlpacaStockingFullOfChocolate · 23/12/2015 12:26

Flowers, you 100% deserve better than this.
There are lovely people out there who don't verbally abuse others.

It's better to have one relative who treats you well and with respect (your mum hopefully does) than a bunch of relatives who bully and belittle you.

Please do give yourself a big Christmas present of 'no more abusive relatives' for next year.

VulcanWoman · 23/12/2015 12:32

Sorry you're going through this Flowers
You need to stay away from the man, he's no good for you.
Being own your own is not worse than abuse.

Dipankrispaneven · 23/12/2015 12:34

Tell him that you're not there to take his orders, and since he thinks you are clearly there's no point in him coming to yours for Christmas so the invitation is cancelled. And I agree with others, go back to NC, there are loads of nicer people out there, there is just no need for you to have to deal with a shit like this.

Are you having anything like counselling? If not, ask your GP to refer you. It'll help you to have more confidence in yourself and, if you want it, to be able to socialise more.

Justaboy · 23/12/2015 12:34

Poor you Flowers but before you get rid of him perhaps a fightback, perhaps haul him over the coals and tell him how he makes you feel and what he's done to you and ask the sod just why did he act like that what was wrong with him to do that!.

Easier said that done but it might do you some good?.

It might perversely do him some good to know how bad he can make people feel by his actions and behaviour!.

ceebie · 23/12/2015 12:36

This is going to sounds really flippant and I promise that I don't mean it that way - but you really don't need to worry about what happens to you after you die. What you're really saying is that you're worried about being lonely in life, and that's what you need to think about.

Lots of people have loving families so loneliness is not so great a worry as they have the security of knowing that there is someone they can fall back upon.

For those people with rubbish, unsupportive families, you've got to think about whether it's really worth having an abusive person in your life?

The thing is, you can do something about loneliness if you are brave enough, and if you are willing to recognise that it can take a long time to find the right groups or activities for you in order to meet people, and even longer getting to know people before you make friends. But kind people are out there.

Also, your own company isn't a bad thing either. To me, the image of dying alone in a flat and no-one discovering me for months isn't necessarily a negative image - if I was happily holed up in my own comfy flat doing my own things!

Goingtobeawesome · 23/12/2015 12:37

Some one like that is no better than no one. Believe me I know how shit it is to feel you have no one hit your father is a prick. You do not have to do what he says ffs.

OnlyLovers · 23/12/2015 12:38

"when he tells me to do soemthing he epects me to do it"

Reasonable people don't speak to other adults like that. And they don't do the silent treatment afterwards, either.

Personally I'd tell him he was no longer coming for Christmas, but I appreciate it may not be that easy for you.

Do you have friends, colleagues etc for support?

Thinking of you.

Gruntfuttock · 23/12/2015 12:39

Flowers this is a case of you having to be your own best friend, in that you protect yourself from abuse and upset, because you don't deserve it. Please please cancel the invitation and let your final communication with this dreadful man to be cancelling his invitation to spend Christmas with you and telling him you will be having no further contact with him EVER. You said in your OP "On the way home I felt so ashamed, afraid and like a little girl again." Make sure that can NEVER happen again. It stops now. I want to give you a hug, but that's a very un-Mumsnetty thing to say, so I'll keep it to myself.

mintoil · 23/12/2015 12:41

It's so awful isn't it when you get a reminder like that of why you went NC in the first place, and you feel silly for letting them back in.

I do think you need to cut him out again, it's not acceptable to behave like that to the person you are supposed to love above all others - your own child.

It's clear you don't have the boundaries necessary to deal with him ( due to years of abuse by the sounds of it) so I would resume NC.

You sound lovely OP and I am sure you will find friends and people to share your life with that will not treat you so poorly.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/12/2015 12:52

But your father is older than you - in the normal course of things he would die years before you. So keeping in touch with him isn't going to make a difference to your old age. Whoever it is who's been pressuring you to keep in touch with him should butt out; it isn't their life.

Xenadog · 23/12/2015 12:52

OP if you saw this scenario happening to a friend of yours what would you say? I bet it would be something like: cut this vile man out of the younger woman's life irrespective of their relationship.

You need to treat yourself with more kindness and not allow your father to do this. I would imagine going NC is the only way to achieve this. You're worth more than this OP.

Original poster

FlowersAndShit · 23/12/2015 12:54

Thank you all. He bought all the food so i'd feel bad cancelling the invite, but i'll re-consider nc again in the new year. I don't have any friends and I invited my dad because he'd be on his own otherwise. I've done the table all nice for us - it's my first christmas in my new home.

OP posts:

Justaboy · 23/12/2015 12:58

Well OK perhaps you can make a start of trying to heal the past, and ask him or at least tell him how he makes you feel and that the the boot is on the other foot now and you are not going to take any further shit from him!.

Don't let him upset you and keep your cool it might be a shock to him to see he can't hurt you anymore, perhaps it might do him some good to.

Great if he can change his ways or you come to an understanding at least?

EternalSunshine820 · 23/12/2015 12:58

OP big hugs

I have a dad just like this. I resumed contact a couple of years ago when he was turning on the charm (and he can be very 'normal guy next door' charming), then regretted it when he turned on me in a really nasty way. Went NC again and no regrets about that.

It's not just that one instant when you feel small, childlike, powerless is it. If you are like me, you carry it with you for days, weeks, even years, it really gets into your head. Going NC is the only way I know how to even start to deal with it. Like Justaboy said you can try to tackle it head on, but with some narcissists people that doesn't work. You will know the situation best.

I sincerely hope you have a Happy Christmas whatever you decide to do.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 23/12/2015 13:00

You went NC with him once before, you can do it again. I understand you saying that you'll only have you mum left, but is it really better to have other people in your life who treat you like shit?

Merrybertie · 23/12/2015 13:04

You do not have to accept this language, this attitude and this disrespect from anyone, father or no. You are not there to enhance his life. He should be counting his lucky stars you've decided to have anything to do with him.

Having been in exactly the same situation (my father is toxic and I tried three separate times over the years to for. A healthy relationship with him but failed because it was impossible) I strongly recommend going NC and sticking to it. You only need one or two quality people in your life And unfortunately for you these won't come from your birth family (my step father was an abusive alcoholic so I know how you feel). You have to make your own family and you will. More than that you will be better able to without this dead weight round your neck. You might be alone but I'll bet a lot of money you feel more lonely when you're with your dad than when you're not.

I'd also really strongly recommend counselling to deal with the fallout which results from coming from. A family like this. It does really help. I'm 7 months into that and it's been invaluable. Good luck with Christmas and remember this is not your fault, you are not what he says you are, you are valuable and worth far, far more than this.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 13:05

Even better. You could have left all the shopping there, get back to buy a few items for yourself and take off.

How do you think Christmas will be?
Are you supposed to be grateful to him for buying the food?

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