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AIBU?

He made me cry

90 replies

FlowersAndShit · 23/12/2015 12:13

Just went Christmas food shopping with my dad (he's coming to mine for Christmas). On the way out of the shop he wanted to get money out, so he told me to go back to the car with the trolley, I said i'd just wait here. Then he had a go at me, said that I was useless and had been no help when shopping. He said when he tells me to do soemthing he epects me to do it. It was so unxpected I got in the car and started to cry. He gave me the silent treatment for 40 minutes on the way home. I have MH issues and went nc with him when i was going through a difficult time as a teen as he was unsupportive of my problems. In the last few years I've started talking to him again (pressure from family).

Every time he speaks he'll either critisise me, put me down or tell me how lovely i am. He's so intelligent and calculated and I realise how so many of problems stem from his behaviour towards me as a child. On the way home I felt so ashamed, afraid and like a little girl again.

I've already cut my brother out of my life for being verbally abusive to me, if I cut my dad out i'll only have my mum left. My stepfather is also abusive, so I can't imagine me having a normal healthy loving relationship with any man

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Sazzle41 · 23/12/2015 15:01

You could be me. I had Couselling and the worm turned. I started telling my parent she was abusive and sending mixed messages. The real stand alone moment was when she sneered re my mental health. I simply said well you paren ted me, I am what you made me. Doesn't say much for your parenting. It left her gobsmacked and seething and we went NC. I haven't missed her once in 25 years. He isn't going to change OP , emotional abuse is his MO\behaviour pattern. Its whether you can manage constantly challenging the abuse and how that might take a toll, or just move on and find support elsewhere.

FlowersAndShit · 23/12/2015 15:17

Thanks all. I'm going to take a tin of biscuits to my elderly neighbour - hopefully that will make me feel better.

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FlowersAndShit · 23/12/2015 15:26

I think i'm just going to grin and bear it. I don't want to be alone over christmas and I have no other support or a network of friends to help me. Thank you all for your advice, hopefully one day i'll have the support and courage to go nc.

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665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 23/12/2015 15:47

Having people like this in your life fills a space in it, but whilst they are filling it no one else can.
The turmoil they give you leaves no space for peace.
The endless insults stop you building your own self esteem.

Once you are "rid" the space will fill with other things, other people, once you start choosing positive things and people for yourself it will become a habit.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 15:48

Isn't it worse to be alone in company?

Jux · 23/12/2015 17:34

Fair enough, Flowers. At the moment you don't feel up to making such a big change, taking that stand, and there's no reason why you should do that right now.

But after, Christmas, start moving towards not needing him, towards filling your life with people you actually like being with, who enhance your life.

Jux · 23/12/2015 17:34

Do you work, by the way? What are people like there? Any nice ones?

FlowersAndShit · 23/12/2015 18:58

Thank you Jux. I don't work as i'm agoraphobic

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SoleSource · 23/12/2015 20:10

Sent you a PM.

He sounds like my Dad. Horrible man at home. Constant insults. Projected his issues onto me. My other family believe that it's all my fault. My Mother was just as abusive but in other ways. I look back and feel my parents hated my guts.

Jux · 23/12/2015 22:34

Oh Flowers, you poor thing

Is it too obvious to suggest counselling? I've heard good things about hypnotherapy too. I think your dad's abuse is behind most of your difficulties, but you may need more than just going nc.

FlowersAndShit · 24/12/2015 08:45

I have had lots of therapy over the years, it didn't seem to help in the long-term. I've started going to a women's support group which helps as they are older ladies and very understanding.

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fusspot66 · 24/12/2015 10:39

He sounds like a pig. So he shouted at an agoraphobic to go on her own back to the car. Presumably you needed his support to have the confidence to go out to the supermarket in the first place. You will be better without this aggressor in your life. New Year, New You perhaps? Wishing you health and happiness

Justaboy · 28/12/2015 22:52

FlowersAndShit so how did it all go over Xmas can you say at all?.

FlowersAndShit · 28/12/2015 23:03

Not well. He criticised everything from how I carved the turkey and was messing about and had me in a headlock . When I told him about how I was still upset about him making me cry he said I was being difficult and deserved it.

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Justaboy · 28/12/2015 23:41

Simples. Tell him, 'scuse the language but tell him to fuck off.

Better still report it to the police so its on record and never see that twat ever again.

I would have hoped that you might have said that it was difficult, but we made progress. However having you in a head lock? that's assault plain and simple tell the police and see what they have to say.

He's not a dad but an abusive vile deranged prat!.

I'm so sorry to hear that, poor you.

notapizzaeater · 28/12/2015 23:50

Omg - what an idiot, walk away from him, he's one of the roots of your problems,

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2015 23:54

Bloody hell I woukd gave left him at the blooming shop. That is another arse you need to cut from yiur life. You are unlucky to be cursed with an abusive family .

Lweji · 29/12/2015 00:03

Sorry it went that way, but why do you keep hoping things won't go bad?
Do you think that was better than Christmas alone?

Please get rid of him so that you can heal yourself.

FlowersAndShit · 29/12/2015 11:22

I'm going to cut him out of my life. He just asked me if I wanted to go to Asda with him (where he called me useless and made me cry)

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FlowersAndShit · 29/12/2015 12:45

now i feel guilty for ignoring him

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TiredButFineODFOJ · 29/12/2015 12:50

You don't want to go to Asda with him. When is he going home?
If you feel guilty ignoring him, make up an excuse to lie down in your own room- headache, period pains something like that.

Gruntfuttock · 29/12/2015 13:06

I'm glad to hear that Flowers. It's a very positive and healthy decision to have made. You mental health can only improve when he's permanently completely out of your life. Think of it as your Christmas present to yourself.

Gruntfuttock · 29/12/2015 13:07

Your not you. Sorry.

Dipankrispaneven · 29/12/2015 13:10

The only person who should be feeling guilty is your father. Forget him, concentrate on yourself and what you are going to do to improve your life. One thing is certain, you do NOT need him in it.

FlowersAndShit · 29/12/2015 13:47

Thank you all for your support. It's only made me what to create a family of my own, but that also seems impossible (mh issues, endometriosis, lack of partner)

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