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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is unreasonable

127 replies

Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 19:28

I realise how stupid this is, but have argued with DH and am really not sure if I have been awful. If it has any bearing I am pregnant and have been in and out of hospital with serious complications.

I spent most of today wrapping presents upstairs while DH played with children and watched Christmas movies with them.
I came down when finished, they had all just finished their evening meal, none saved for me. I was a little fed up so DH offered to make me something, I asked for a simple meal but was told it was a waste of ingredients for one person. I told DH not to bother then and went out to kitchen to make toast. DH told me he would do it, I said I was fine. He grabbed the knife in my hand, I refused to let go of it so he yelled at me and grabbed my wrist to force it from my hand. It hurt a lot and I was crying, so I trod on his foot to try and shock him into letting go of me. He swore at me and called me abusive and has stormed out. My wrist hurts but is not marked.

We are both wrong I know, but should I be worried about his temper and grabbing me? This is totally out of character for both of us.

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 22/12/2015 21:08

This thread is weird. FFS, he grabbed her wrist so hard that she was crying in pain, and people think they're both to blame because she... what? Said she would like pasta sauce? What the actual fuck.

OP, he should absolutely not have done that. Did this all happen in sight/earshot of your children?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/12/2015 21:10

The start of this thread is typical MN insanity. Jeanne said it perfectly. He had no excuse for putting his hands on you, and you are not too blame for reacting the way you did. He acted oddly. If he knew you wouldn't like dinner, why not offer to knock you up something you would like?

Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 21:12

The children were in a different room. They don't appear to have heard anything, they were watching TV.

OP posts:
VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/12/2015 21:14

I never thought my kids heard anything either. I was wrong.

There is no excuse WHATSOEVER for what he did.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 22/12/2015 21:15

He yelled, you were crying, he stormed out.

Unless you live in a mansion and this all happened in the east wing while your kids were in the west wing, don't fool yourself that they haven't picked up on something.

sleeponeday · 22/12/2015 21:16

This thread is weird. FFS, he grabbed her wrist so hard that she was crying in pain, and people think they're both to blame because she... what? Said she would like pasta sauce? What the actual fuck.

God, yes.

I find the early responses quite chilling, tbh. I'm reassured by the later statements that he's never behaved this way, is usually very supportive, OP is astonished by events... but the fact remains, he was physically aggressive with a very unwell, heavily pregnant woman because she had been left out at supper time, and was hungry. There is no excuse. None.

And conflating her stamping with a bare foot to make him release her with that act of painful aggression is just... ugh.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 22/12/2015 21:17

This thread is weird very true especially seeyounearertime 's posts. Are you male or female btw Seeyou ?

Op your husband was definitely wrong to hurt you and prevent you having some sauce.

Leelu6 · 22/12/2015 21:22

Can't believe people are saying OP and her dp are 50/50 to blame.

OP, do not apologise. He should not have gripped your hand. You only stamped his foot to get him to stop gripping your hand.

He called you abusive to deflect attention from his actions.

You need to make it clear to him that you will not accept his grabbing you like that.

What a twunt. Have you been wrapping his presents as well?

He should have askes you if you are hungry and if you want anything to eat. Or made something that you could all eat. Like pasta.

Topseyt · 22/12/2015 21:24

I can't quite put my finger on which thread it was, but have you posted about your DH before, OP.

It was along the lines of him being rather controlling.

I could be wrong, so sorry if I am mixing you up with someone else.

With regard to this particular incident, I do think his reaction was dangerous (grabbing you while you were holding the knife) and OTT.

maddening · 22/12/2015 21:26

he was unreasonable from the outset - offering dinner but refusing pasta and sauce as a waste, grabbing wrist etc - op only stamped on foot in self defence - then the grown man storms out.

Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 21:26

I've not posted before about DH, he is normally lovely.

OP posts:
Oswin · 22/12/2015 21:27

Fuck me the responses on this thread are awful. Actually they are scary.
No wonder women keep it a secret when men are violent against them.

How the fuck anyone can think the op is Bu for stamping on his foot when he was hurting her?!

Fucks sake engage your brains.

Jw35 · 22/12/2015 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/12/2015 21:29

Agree with those saying how awful some of the responses here are fucking horrendous.

OP please do not listen to either him calling you abusive, or those saying you were equally responsible in this situation.

witsender · 22/12/2015 21:34

50/50? What planet are some posters on?! OP, I hope you are OK. He was bang out of order, I hope he shows you more care normally? The wrist grab is a huge red flag.

Seeyounearertime · 22/12/2015 21:36

Seeyou your an anal control freak.

Lol. Lovely, thank you.
I do it because we can't afford not too. We spend £40 on shopping for 3 of us every 2 weeks and I plan to accommodate that. My GF has full in put in what we have too, just in case you wondered.

SpecialistSnowflake · 22/12/2015 21:45

The creepiest thing to me is that he was hurting you, yet immediately accused you of being abusive when you acted in self-defense.

You were not both as bad as each other. Don't let people tell you that.

Jux · 22/12/2015 21:50

When you are attacked from behind, you stamp on your assailant's instep. This is basic.

OP was physically attacked, hurt, of course she stamped on his instep in stockinged feet (not a fucking stiletto). She was trying to get herself out of a situation where she was being physically hurt.

Your h was very badly out of order. I hope the first thing he does is apologise. I would find it hard to forget, let alone forgive, if he didn't admit culpability and show remorse.

DoreenLethal · 22/12/2015 21:51

I'm going to stop now.....

I had a partner like you once...fucking batshit crazy about control.

I do it because we can't afford not too. We spend £40 on shopping for 3 of us every 2 weeks and I plan to accommodate that.

Putting half a jar of sauce or indeed half a pizza in the fridge is not wasteful.

ItchyArmpits · 22/12/2015 21:57

He was thoughtless not to even offer to make you dinner.

He was beyond awful to try to physically prevent you from making toast, ffs.

He was very, very stupid to try to physically control someone holding a knife (not saying you'd stab him on purpose, just that accidents happen, or that you could have been hurt).

He was awful again to swear at you.

Someone has been abusive here, OP, but it's not you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/12/2015 21:58

On what planet is it unacceptable to stamp on the foot of someone who is grabbing you in anger?

It's usually one of the first things most people being harmed do to try and get away.

Op if someone grabbed me like that they would be lucky if they only got their foot stomped on.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/12/2015 22:02

doreen

There can be something very wasteful about it. For a family with 2 adults and 1 child who meal plan to within an inch of their life with £20 PW entire grocery budget it's not something most budget planners would advocate.

Switching a meal plan around can often result in other food waste due to shelf life and short life food reductions.

DoreenLethal · 22/12/2015 22:05

I've lived on a pittance - please do not assume that the people on here have never lived a life.

Personally I never buy jars of sauce, I make my own. Hell, I grow the tomatoes and preserve them myself as well.

However the OP had a jar of sauce in the cupboard. There is no way she is not worthy of eating half of it, and putting the rest in the fridge. Or are you saying she isn't worth it?

53rdAndBird · 22/12/2015 22:12

It doesn't matter how wasteful the jar of sauce is. It doesn't matter even if it's a jar of Tesco Finest Caviar and Grated Unicorn sauce. He still doesn't get to physically hurt her over it.

gobbynorthernbird · 22/12/2015 22:13

I'm going to take a wild guess, but a family who has seven hours worth of presents to wrap probably isn't going to starve if half a jar of pasta sauce gets binned.

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