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AIBU?

Who is unreasonable

127 replies

Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 19:28

I realise how stupid this is, but have argued with DH and am really not sure if I have been awful. If it has any bearing I am pregnant and have been in and out of hospital with serious complications.

I spent most of today wrapping presents upstairs while DH played with children and watched Christmas movies with them.
I came down when finished, they had all just finished their evening meal, none saved for me. I was a little fed up so DH offered to make me something, I asked for a simple meal but was told it was a waste of ingredients for one person. I told DH not to bother then and went out to kitchen to make toast. DH told me he would do it, I said I was fine. He grabbed the knife in my hand, I refused to let go of it so he yelled at me and grabbed my wrist to force it from my hand. It hurt a lot and I was crying, so I trod on his foot to try and shock him into letting go of me. He swore at me and called me abusive and has stormed out. My wrist hurts but is not marked.

We are both wrong I know, but should I be worried about his temper and grabbing me? This is totally out of character for both of us.

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CherryPits · 22/12/2015 19:58

Stress of pregnancy complications and stress of Christmas can make people a bit grouchy.

Do you think he will come back and apologize given a little while to cool down?

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Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 20:00

I think everything was OK, the children behaved. I was longer than planned though.

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Goingtobeawesome · 22/12/2015 20:01

Both as bad as each other. Both of you intentionally caused pain to the other.

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Bing0wings · 22/12/2015 20:02

He really shouldn't have grabbed your wrist to force the knife out of your hand. But then stamping on his foot isn't great either. But he did start the physical aggression and he is bigger than you (I'm guessing) therefore much more threatening. Can understand you being peed off about it esp if you are tired and been packing all day. Have things been tense between you lately with all the complications ?

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Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 20:02

He never really says sorry, but hopefully he's calmed down (if/when he comes home). I will apologise for my part.

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Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 20:03

The complications have been scary and horrible, but if anything they have bought us closer together.

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JeanneDeMontbaston · 22/12/2015 20:04

I really cannot believe I'm reading this.

In what world do you picture a pregnant woman whose husband has grabbed her wrist, with a knife in it, and start thinking she might be in the wrong for responding physically?

Confused

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CherryPits · 22/12/2015 20:04

Hang in there Snowflake and hope everything works out with the baby just fine.

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Bing0wings · 22/12/2015 20:05

Hmmm I'm with Jeanne on this. I think he's BU with the wrist grabbing.

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Bing0wings · 22/12/2015 20:07

Has he ever been physically aggressive or intimidated you (suggesting he's going to lose his temper physically) before ?

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Seeyounearertime · 22/12/2015 20:07

I don't think there's ever a need for physicality between couples, apart from the pleasant physicality obviously Wink

But I can sort of understand how the argument went.
You're annoyed and probably a bit achy after wrapping, he's annoyed and tired after entertaining the kids and cooking for them etc.
You come down and ask, perfectly pleasantly, if they saved you any, he said no but he'd make you something, he probably expected you to say no and you'd get yourself something TBF, you said you'd like pasta, a whole jar would feed all of you so I can kinda see his point about it being wasteful, then you said something like,
"Fine then, I'll make myself some toast"
But his male mind heard "Fine" in that 'tone' that tone that says,
"I may have said fine but actually I'm not fine, I think you're a dick and I'd wish you'd get the fuck out of my face"
He then tried to rectify his action by offering to make your tost for you, you replied with another 'Fine', meaning 'cockwomble', then it snowballed, he tried to take the knife, you tries to stop him, he grabs wrist, you stamp feet and you both suddenly become toddlers fighting over the yellow car because its fastest. Nownhes stormed off because innhisnhead he was just trying to be nice, your pissed because he's a cuntbadger. You're here moaning, he's down the pub moaning,
"I aint seen her all day and when she came down I offered to make her tea for her but she told me to Fuck off and she'd make her own and somehow I'm the numptymuncher? I swear I don't understand wimmin"

So on and so forth.

Hopefully he'll return with Flowers and Cake and a sorry but TBF it seems more a spat than a full blown screamathon.

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gobbynorthernbird · 22/12/2015 20:07

Don't apologise to him, he hurt you!

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Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 20:07

I did stamp on his foot, mainly to shock him into letting go as he was hurting me. But I'm not wearing shoes and am not big. He did react to it, but I would be surprised if it caused any damage, not that that makes it better. I am ashamed.

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Champagneformyrealfriends · 22/12/2015 20:10

Don't be ashamed op there's nothing to be ashamed of. You had a row, it escalated, he should be more sensitive particularly considering your complications etc. Xx

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Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 20:10

He has never been threatening or violent before (20years together).

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diddl · 22/12/2015 20:12

He sounds bloody horrible.

He tells you that you can't have pasta & sauce (wtaf?), & then when you go into the kitchen to make something else (why?), he tries to stop you doing that!!

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HappyJustToBe · 22/12/2015 20:14

I agree with Jeanne.

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RudeElf · 22/12/2015 20:15

If someone had a hold of my wrists in a forceful manner, whether it was hurting or not i'd break their fucking shins to get them to stop. You dont grab people to get them to do what you want!

Having said that, it sounds very odd that he did grab you. Have you left something out? Was there something about the way you grabbed the knife that he took as agressive towards him? It just reads quite sudden and out of nowhere because it doesnt seem like he or you were angry until that point but maybe you were and you have left that bit out?

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JeanneDeMontbaston · 22/12/2015 20:15

If he's never been like this before, then I'm hoping in a bit he'll come back feeling shocked and will apologise. Best of luck.

Agree with gobby you're not the one who ought to be apologising first.

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LordEmsworth · 22/12/2015 20:15

I don't know what exactly you would apologise for, and am really surprised at some of the comments on here. Unless there's a lot more - about the way you said things on any backstory.

If it's a genuine one-off, I wouldn't worry about it as indicating anything more; but I definitely wouldn't apologise for being left out of dinner, being offered a different dinner then told I couldn't have it, and then being grabbed and left in tears.

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Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 20:19

I might have come across as grumpy as was in pain from.sitting wrapping (and hungry) but was not aggressive when getting toast and would never wave a knife or be aggressive with it.

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CreepingDogFart · 22/12/2015 20:22

You're both stressed and tired. Flowers

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seven201 · 22/12/2015 20:25

It sounds like you were both in the wrong. If I'd been left to look after the kids all day because my husband wanted to spend so long wrapping presents then I'd probably be in a grump. You've been ill, no-one (adults) will mind if they don't get their own special stocking of individually wrapped presents! Just tying to think of why he'd be in a particular grump. I hope he apologises when he gets back and if he does I think you probably should too. Hope you make up and forget it.

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RudeElf · 22/12/2015 20:26

Are you both quite stubborn and he was just intent on out-stubborning you this time but took it too far without actually intending to hurt you?

I still think he was in the wrong for a) not asking you if you wanted dinner when he was making it for everyone else, b) telling you you cant have pasta sauce Hmm (its really not up to him what you eat!) and c) grabbing you.

He owes you the apologies. If you think you were unreasonably grumpy with him then you could apologise for that but not for stomping on him, i think that was deserved and to be expected really given what he was doing to you!

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MaidOfStars · 22/12/2015 20:27

Why didn't he check how you were doing with the wrapping and whether you wanted to eat with them (so he could cook something suitable for all)?

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