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AIBU?

Who is unreasonable

127 replies

Snowflake98 · 22/12/2015 19:28

I realise how stupid this is, but have argued with DH and am really not sure if I have been awful. If it has any bearing I am pregnant and have been in and out of hospital with serious complications.

I spent most of today wrapping presents upstairs while DH played with children and watched Christmas movies with them.
I came down when finished, they had all just finished their evening meal, none saved for me. I was a little fed up so DH offered to make me something, I asked for a simple meal but was told it was a waste of ingredients for one person. I told DH not to bother then and went out to kitchen to make toast. DH told me he would do it, I said I was fine. He grabbed the knife in my hand, I refused to let go of it so he yelled at me and grabbed my wrist to force it from my hand. It hurt a lot and I was crying, so I trod on his foot to try and shock him into letting go of me. He swore at me and called me abusive and has stormed out. My wrist hurts but is not marked.

We are both wrong I know, but should I be worried about his temper and grabbing me? This is totally out of character for both of us.

OP posts:

Report

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/12/2015 20:29

So when he told you you couldn't have the dinner you wanted why did you accept that? Does he usually control you in that way? You know it's not acceptable for him to dictate what you do and don't eat right?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/12/2015 20:29

Oh and don't apologise. You weren't wrong.

Seeyounearertime · 22/12/2015 20:34

I can understand him not wanting tonuse a whole jar of psta sauce tho.
If my GF asked me to make her something and said she wanted the pizza out the freezer I'd be like,
"No way, you'd eat half and waste half"
So I don't see why he was being unreasonable for saying it'd be a waste using a whole jar on just one person?

DoreenLethal · 22/12/2015 20:35

I will apologise for my part.

What would that be? For deeming yourself worthy of some stir in sauce or wanting to get him to let go of your hand with the knife in it?

Why is he even cooking stuff that you wouldn't like?

DoreenLethal · 22/12/2015 20:37

If my GF asked me to make her something and said she wanted the pizza out the freezer I'd be like, "No way, you'd eat half and waste half"

What the fuck are you talking about? Cooked food can be reheated - and you are not the boss of who eats what!

So I don't see why he was being unreasonable for saying it'd be a waste using a whole jar on just one person?

Here's a lightbulb moment for you. Use half the jar and put the rest in the fridge. No need to thank me - it's fucking obvious surely?

PenelopePitstops · 22/12/2015 20:40

I think he is slightly more wrong as he grabbed you.

But you both sound very tired, very stressed and like you need a break. Wrapping presents for 5 hours is a long time to "check out" of family life. Can you scale down Christmas and put the presents into bags rather than wrap individually?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/12/2015 20:41

seeyou
I'm boggled to be honest
Use some, put the jar back in the fridge and use the rest within 3 days?
And a frozen pizza can be cut in half and half put back in the freezer
Or you can cook half and wrap half up in cling film for eating at a later date
Fuck sake

RudeElf · 22/12/2015 20:44

I can understand him not wanting tonuse a whole jar of psta sauce tho

A jar can be split and keep the rest in the fridge. He wouldnt have to use it all.

LittleBearPad · 22/12/2015 20:45

that he doesn't generally apologise. Not a nice trait.

Doreen has pointed out the blindingly obvious way that a jar of stir in sauce wouldn't be wasted so god knows what was in his head apart from general pissiness

HumphreyCobblers · 22/12/2015 20:47

I also feel like I have fallen into a parallel universe with the responses on this thread.

I think he should have thought about your meal at the time. He should have made what you wanted after offering to get you something. He should NOT have grabbed your wrist and hurt you. I don't blame you for stamping on his foot to get him to stop, I might well have defended myself too if someone was physically attacking me and hurting me. Especially if I was pregnant.

I think he owes you a whole world of apologies.

TartanBirdFeeder · 22/12/2015 20:48

YABU, so is he. He should have made enough of the dinner for you to have some and called up to say it was ready. Given that he didn't you should have gone and cooked yourself a meal.
I'm shocked that it takes a whole day to wrap presents, that sounds very OTT.

HumphreyCobblers · 22/12/2015 20:50

The OP has explained that there were a lot of presents to wrap. Why is that even important? Perhaps the OP is slow at wrapping presents, it is not a crime ffs.

Seeyounearertime · 22/12/2015 20:50

We don't store half meals?
Everything is planned and portioned by me for the 3 of us.
If, for example, my GF had a half a pizza and I store half it then means one night we've not got enough for all of us so two meals will be cooked, which means more things used that weren't accounted for, which means by Tuesday we're short one meal.

Same with sauces, If I used half on Thursday, put the other half in the fridge then there'll be a night when someone has the rest and the other two have something else, that something else will be 2/3 of a planned meal, again leaving 1/3 of a meal that has to be stored. Eventually you'll end up with bits of all sort of crap in the freezer. This is bonkers, wasteful, expensive and odd to me. But evidently I do things differently to some people.

LittleBearPad · 22/12/2015 20:52

Evidently seeyou. . I imagine most people are rather less structured.

RudeElf · 22/12/2015 20:55

Everything is planned and portioned by me for the 3 of us.
If, for example, my GF had a half a pizza and I store half it then means one night we've not got enough for all of us so two meals will be cooked, which means more things used that weren't accounted for, which means by Tuesday we're short one meal.

No because you would have your girlfriends portion of whatever it was she didnt eat in order to have half the pizza. Her portion would be left so she could have it the next day.

Also at the thought of anyone else dictating what i eat.

hefzi · 22/12/2015 20:56

So all three of you eat together for every meal, every day, and never have additional items in the freezer etc seeyou? I think most families are considerably less controlled in their meal planning.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 22/12/2015 20:56

It sounds like a pretty fucked up situation all round, but your DH should never have put his hands on you.

He escalated the situation to something physical, and you had a right to defend yourself when he wouldn't let go of your wrist.

Grabbing someone's wrist is aggressive, domineering and controlling. He had absolutely NO right whatsoever to physical restrain you in any way, or to try and block your oath.

He needs to accept he did something very, very wrong.

Seeyounearertime · 22/12/2015 20:57

It seems so.... I know feel rather odd..... Never mind, I'm used to it.

It's part of my fun when meal planning.
I know how many meals a bag of chips will give, how many meals I'll get out of a pack of veg, how many meals a bag of frozen sausages will make and how many sandwiches the average loaf of bread makes. (ASDA smart price mkes 9 on average, Tesco everyday value makes 11.5) a block of cheese makes 45 sandwiches using a potato peeled to slice it or 40 when grating.

I'm going to stop now......

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 22/12/2015 20:57

oath = path

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 22/12/2015 20:57

I think there's fault on both sides but it's hard to tell. He probably should have made something that everyone liked. But if someone cooked something I didn't like, I probably wouldn't be miffed if there was none left. From there it depends. Did you come down and say "Oh great. Thanks for thinking of me" and head for the kitchen? Or did he act the martyr about having to fix you something because he'd had the kids all day?

Regardless, no one should put hands on another person in anger. He shouldn't have grabbed the knife in your hand, but I probably would have let go of the knife if he did instead of making a struggle. And he certainly shouldn't have grabbed your wrist to make you let it go.

RudeElf · 22/12/2015 20:58

Eventually you'll end up with bits of all sort of crap in the freezer.

Also known as "friday's dinner" in this house. Its like a pick and mix. Although it means people get to pick what they eat so i can see why you wouldnt be a fan.

Seeyounearertime · 22/12/2015 21:00

Also, no we don't always eat together, often the GF works evenings, me and the DD have a sperate menu for those evenings so that the plan isn't affected and the freezer isn't full and we spend as little s possible etc.

As a bonus, here's a picture of a Meal plan.

But I digress, OP ignore my ramblings, evidently using half jars is normal so he should have made ypu pasta and sauce.

Who is unreasonable

VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/12/2015 21:01

He was pissed off at you, grabbed you because he didn't like that you were making toast, held onto your wrist to the point that it is still hurting, and you felt the need to be physical in response to make him let go of you.

Yes, you should be concerned.

ohtheholidays · 22/12/2015 21:01

YANBU but he was,it wasn't normal for him to have not made you something to eat when he'd cooked for himself and the children,especially being as your pregnant and have been unwell and had spent all day sorting things out for Christmas.

It also wasn't normal behavior telling you you couldn't eat what you wanted as it would be a waste of ingredients for one person,who does he think you are Oliver!

And it would never be normal that a grown man that is supposed to love you physically hurt you,I'm not surprised you stomed on his foot to get him off and then he called you abusive.

OP you really need to tell someone in RL,if it was me I'd make him leave.

diddl · 22/12/2015 21:07

It was very thoughtless of him to cook something for him & the kids & not come & ask what you would like.

Was he pissed off at you for wrapping pressies all day?

(And does he realise that unused sauce can be saved & used another day?)

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