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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think making 3 times a year doesn't require a round of applause?

37 replies

MrsH1989 · 22/12/2015 16:27

DH is annoying me right now. He is great at cooking but never does it. Part of the reason is that everything has to be on his timescale not taking into account DS needing to eat before bed. He also makes a huge deal of it, like right now, when he is supposed to be cooking (this meal should take at least an hour to cook once prepared), he has declared he needs to clean the kitchen first, including emptying the dishwasher. The kitchen is not untidy, maybe could have done with wiping the worktops but that is it. He is just delaying everything and taking his time as usual. I find it very frustrating that he has to make such a big deal about making tea, like he is being a martyr, when in fact I do it every night and him doing it always becomes more of an inconvenience than a help. I am looking forward to the meal but he still at this very moment hasnt so much as peeled a carrot (on his phone) since declaring half an hour ago he would start tea. ANyone elses partner such a pain in the arse?

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 22/12/2015 16:29

Bookmarking to understand how he peels carrots on the phone.
YANBU OP.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/12/2015 16:30

No. He's an adult and not an arse.

He clearly needs to cook more often to get better at it since he finds it such a chore. But of course, he won't as he wants then praise for doing something he sees as your job.

thelaundryfairy · 22/12/2015 16:31

Call for a pizza while he is cleaning; that way the kitchen can stay clean.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 22/12/2015 16:35

It does sound like he views it as your job by default and that he is doing you a massive favour by cooking, marvellously too, not just a standard meal but one that shows off his skills, even though his timing then inconveniences the family timetable.

Make cheese on toast.

SmashleyHop · 22/12/2015 16:38

I hate it when DH makes dinner. He uses every pot and pan in the house. Leaves every bit of rubbish out and there are peels, crumbs and spills on every surface. It's like he's losing at a game of Jumanji or something.

Doesn't help he always goes for the elaborate. Always a roast dinner.. or pizza with handmade dough and tons of toppings nobody ever actually eats never just something simple. I love the man but sometimes he makes my life way more complicated than it needs to be.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/12/2015 16:39

What a palaver (ordinary hygiene aside). Don't give him an audience. Hope the meal's worth it by the time it's ready!

LondonStill83 · 22/12/2015 16:52

Your DH is me.

I am an excellent cook but only enjoy doing it from a spotless kitchen when I have loads of time and lots of exciting ingredients to play with to make a gourmet meal that everyone will coo over.

Result is that DH does most of the cooking and I pay for a lot of take away...

LondonStill83 · 22/12/2015 16:52

Thought yesterday I made bacon jam which was NOM

Hassled · 22/12/2015 17:00

I bought some bacon jam once at some poncey artisan food market and then couldn't bring myself to even try it. I probably should - I think it's in the back of the fridge somewhere.

I know I've said this before on MN but I once watched an entire episode of EastEnders in the time it took DH to arrange slices of mushrooms on a pizza. No other toppings - just the mushrooms. Mind you, they were perfectly equidistant from each other and all the same size. This is why he's not allowed to cook anymore.

diddl · 22/12/2015 17:04

Does he make a fuss in the hope that you'll take over or is he just wanting praise?

Would it help if you told him that your son needs to eat at xtime so that he knows what time he needs to start his performance?

Artandco · 22/12/2015 17:07

It's pretty early though if your expecting Dinner to be started at 4.30pm!

Can't you move child's bedtime back a bit so you can all eat together at a more reasonable time?

SevenSeconds · 22/12/2015 17:10

How old is DS? Is he little, so he'll get grumpy if not fed soon? If not, I'd just leave your DH to it.

Duckdeamon · 22/12/2015 17:10

Forgivable if he's a domestic god in other ways. If he's generally not doing his share of other domestics though that's crap.

The DC know if he's cooking they're unlikely to be fed at the usual time, they do usually eat it up since they're ravenous by the time it's served! I also avoid looking after grumpy/hungry DC when he cooks or to put them to bed if the meal being late has delayed their bedtime, since these things are the consequences of his actions!

CigarsofthePharoahs · 22/12/2015 17:13

Are we married to the same man, op?
And he will stop and do totally random things, like rush out and now the lawn - pans boiling over! The worst was his sudden desire to go upstairs and look for something whilst in the midst of frying steak. I hate overcooked steak!
He does a Saturday fry up for himself and our two boys. I keep well out of the way as the mayhem is too much to bear.

PoppyBlossom · 22/12/2015 17:15

What time is dinner usually? And is that more about being dictated to by your sons bedtimes? If it's a one off I'd ask him to make your Ds some quick pasta or scrambled egg on toast and you two have a grown up meal after 7pm.

Narp · 22/12/2015 17:15

I know what you mean about this kind of Performance Cooking.

Give him a medal afterwards.

Snozberry · 22/12/2015 17:21

DH takes such a ridiculously long time to cook the shittest of meals so we have an arrangement that I cook and he cleans up, I hate washing up so this works out well for me. Occasionally he will offer to make dinner for DD, will spend over an hour in the kitchen, emerging at intervals looking stressed and overwhelmed, and then present her with fish fingers and boiled veg. I can't stand the fuss.

wafflerinchief · 22/12/2015 17:23

can your DS have scrambled eggs while you have a glass of something and wait? It is the season of goodwill - I get it, I'd exclusively microwave ready meals if I was on my own, quick, not much mess, and they tell you howmany of your 5 a day you're getting, so ticks boxes there.

Ipsos · 22/12/2015 17:27

I know blokes who cook like this. A friend of mine once commented that the wives are great at doing the necessary cooking (without fuss, reliably, all the time) while the husbands like to do the performance cooking for dinner parties and things (expecting major praise and adulation for it). I think your dh may be in that bracket.

skinoncustard · 22/12/2015 17:27

Think this is a case of "act daft and not be asked again"
Feed the DC and then leave him to it, don't go in the kitchen , no matter how long he takes. The more you pop in, the more ridiculous excuses he will have . Don't give him the attention he is looking for.
Can you sneak a sandwich out for yourself to keep you going

Dipankrispaneven · 22/12/2015 17:28

Would I be right in guessing that he tells you he's cleaning the kitchen "for you"?

lexlees · 22/12/2015 17:28

The reason is simple - he basically doesn't really want to do it - hence he will procrastinate for any reason going. He sees it as your role and for him to do something which subconsciously is not his role makes it a special event that needs lots of lauding and praise and overt gratitude. DS is exactly the same if he helps with a simple chore.

Yes it is annoying, but at the same time adorable. Men are like children sometimes! Hey, if you get a clean kitchen out of it -at least its a bonus.

My dh is the similar - except he is a lousy cook and I have to clear the worktops (or everything goes in the wrong place). I physically get stressed when he cooks - he is more liable to ruin a pan. He spends at least ten minutes asking where every ingredient/implement is - he literally doesn't know where anything is in the kitchen.

He only cooks if I am not there or if I am unwell. If I don't want to cook, we usually eat out or he will makes something from the emergency freezer food - chips/nuggets etc. He completely understands that there are days I would rather gouge my eyes out with nails than cook, but I rarely ask him to cook - its not worth the stress!

So let off some steam on MN and then you just faun over him and make a fuss and tell him what a wonderful husband he is and what an amazing cook. Then say you wish he would cook more often.

PICK YOUR BATTLES - this is not one of them.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 22/12/2015 17:34

Does he do performance shopping too? Spends half the weekly budget on ingredients, declaring that he didn't look realise that you already had x, y or z.

OwlinaTree · 22/12/2015 17:40

Mines been crap today too. I went out all afternoon with baby so he could have time to do some jobs. Come home and he's not done anything. Not even hung out washing from the machine. 'Why didn't you tell me to do it?' he says. He saw me put it on ffs.

DinosaursRoar · 22/12/2015 17:45

Walk into the kitchen and say "DH, DS normally eats dinner at 5:30pm, are you going to be able to cook a meal for that time or do I need to make something for him?" leave it to 5:25pm, then walk back in, if he's not close to plating up, just take over and make something for DS without mentioning it. Later, tell him it's pointless having the perfect kitchen and perfect meal if it's produced too late for anyone to eat it.

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