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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that MIL will die on Christmas Day.

103 replies

fadingfast · 22/12/2015 13:43

She is terminally ill and at a guess has 2-3 weeks left at the most. We're trying to carry on as normal for the sake of the DCs but it is beginning to really panic me about what we do if she dies on Christmas Day. I know it sounds ridiculous in the bigger scheme of things but I'm the sort of person who needs to plan ahead and we just can't do that. I'm terrified that their every future Christmas might be scarred by their Grandmother's death.

Sorry for the depressing thread Sad

OP posts:
lorneylou · 22/12/2015 18:19

We are in the same position.

My grandmother is currently in the Hospice, she was given 12 weeks in October and has gone down hill very rapidly the past few weeks.
She is an hours flight away...my mother is with her constantly. We haven't told my DD(5). She saw her a few weeks ago when she was reasonably ok still and knows that she was in the hospital.
We have decided not to tell he is DD will be heartbroken, she has limited understanding of death anyway but will just be so sad that she will never see her great gran again.
DH and I have made the decision that Christmas for her will go ahead as normal. If I'm needed I will fly out. I've sorted everything so Dh doesn't have anything to do if I have to go. We have made bookings and arrangements right up till new years and they will both go if I'm not here.
To be honest, I don't know how we will deal with it in the future if anything happens on Christmas day. It's been hard to summon up any kind of Christmas spirit at all this year so I have decided that I will take each day at a time, and deal with next year when it comes.
I have promised Dh and my Dm though that next year, we will have a magical Christmas and we will all be together even though my Gran will not be here. If she had a choice, she would not be ill at Christmas and would never want us to be miserable because of her, she has always made Christmas wonderful for us.
My head is spinning too OP as I like everything to be planned, and although nothing has happened yet this whole Christmas seems to be up in the air. I have tried very hard to accept that on this occasion I can't change what happens and have to go with the flow.
Best wishes to you and your family.

Original poster
fadingfast · 22/12/2015 18:29

Yes that's it exactly lorneylou, head is spinning and we feel very much on the outside of all the usual Christmas madness. We at least don't need to worry about flights as MIL is in a nursing home about 20 mins away.

Some very touching stories on here and it's been such a comfort to read, thank you for taking the time to post. I'm trying to hold it all together for DH and the DC but it's getting bloody hard. Of course we will cope with whatever happens but it's the waiting and the uncertainty that I find so difficult.

MrsS that gave me a rather inappropriate giggle.

OP posts:
lorneylou · 23/12/2015 09:30

How are things Fading? Still no change here so I'm allowing myself to look forward to Christmas day a little bit now.....was dreading not being here withh DD and DH. A quick trip to the shops today will finish things off and friends coming for lunch so I'm hoping that will take our minds off things for a bit.

cricketballs · 23/12/2015 10:32

this has hit a raw nerve; my DM has been given days to live I am at home at the moment to try and keep things as normal as I can for DS2 who whilst is 16 has MLD and ASD and he struggles when things don't run as normal (or he has plenty of warning); I was up the hospital for 7 hours yesterday and wouldn't have anything to eat no matter how up beat my DH was. (He knows his Nan is very poorly, but not the gravity of the situation).

Our original plan was to host for PIL, BIL and his 2 DC, my DSis and us 4 as I normally do (my DP always book themselves into a restaurant), however the downturn in my DM's health has been very sudden.

My PIL have been fantastic and are taking over the hosting, cooking etc for us and also running around doing odd bits and looking after DS2

Original poster
fadingfast · 23/12/2015 10:53

Sorry about your DM cricketballs, must be even harder to cope with when it's happened so suddenly. We've at least had a few months to try and come to terms with it.

Glad to hear things are a bit more stable for you lorneylou. We are just carrying on here as best as we can. DH is bearing it all remarkably well. He's off to see her shortly and to find out what the Dr has advised about pain relief. She's been very stoical but is now in obvious pain so that needs sorting out. I'm a bit more hopeful that she'll last beyond Friday but for everyone's sake I really hope it doesn't go on for much longer.

OP posts:
Original poster
fadingfast · 25/12/2015 18:04

DH spent all morning at the care home and came back for a late lunch. He has just been summonsed to go back and it sounds like this could be it. Really hoping he gets there in time.

Shit.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 25/12/2015 18:32

I'm so sorry fadingfast.

lougle · 25/12/2015 18:36

I'm so sorry. May she go quickly and peacefully when the time comes.

Everyone dies, but there are 'good deaths' and 'bad deaths'. I know that in our unit, a lot of time and effort goes into doing everything possible to ensure a 'good' death.

Flowers
Youarentkiddingme · 25/12/2015 18:54

I'm so sorry fading I hope if this is her time to go it's peaceful. Flowers

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 25/12/2015 18:54

Thinking of you Fading. Flowers

notapizzaeater · 25/12/2015 19:08

Thinking of you xx

Original poster
fadingfast · 25/12/2015 19:08

She has just died.

OP posts:
darkequinoxlight · 25/12/2015 19:09

So sorry xx

Goingtobeawesome · 25/12/2015 19:10

So sorry, fadingfast. Thinking of you all Flowers.

Sleepyfergus · 25/12/2015 19:11

Oh goodness, so sorry to read your news.Thanks

Jessbow · 25/12/2015 19:14

Bless you all, how sad xx

shazzarooney99 · 25/12/2015 19:15

You will carry on regardless to be honest, my granny died on christmas day, i would try not to dwell on it too much if its going to happen its going to happen xx i would visit her as much as possible if you know its imminent.xx just to say as well my aunt has been seriously ill over he last few weeks however shes picking up now, my mum died 8 weeks ago and this is our first christmas without her xxx

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 25/12/2015 19:16

I'm sorry. Flowers

crazycatguy · 25/12/2015 19:17

DP's dad died on my birthday. I haven't really bothered with my birthday since. There is never a 'right time' for a death, it just augments the pain of it sometimes when contrasted with the facf most people around you are having an outwardly happy time.

I hope your MIL manages to hold on for as long as she can!

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 25/12/2015 19:17

Are you waiting to tell the kids until after today?

StuffandBother · 25/12/2015 19:19

They won't be scarred for every Christmas, I promise. I'm sorry she has died, I hope she went pain
free with peace dignity and someone at her side Flowers

Original poster
fadingfast · 25/12/2015 19:21

DH wants to wait and tell them tomorrow, so I think I will have to respect that and I'm sure she would have much rather they didn't hear it today.

As hideous as it all is, I'm glad she's at peace now. She was really suffering and I don't know how much more DH could cope with.

Thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:
calzone · 25/12/2015 19:21

Love to you all xx

Original poster
fadingfast · 25/12/2015 19:22

And DH was with her, which was important to him.

OP posts:
cosmobrown · 25/12/2015 19:24

dh's uncle died today as well. We got a call about 2 hrs ago.

So sorry fading. I will think of you as well.

best wishes.

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