To worry that MIL will die on Christmas Day.

[fadingfast]

She is terminally ill and at a guess has 2-3 weeks left at the most. We're trying to carry on as normal for the sake of the DCs but it is beginning to really panic me about what we do if she dies on Christmas Day. I know it sounds ridiculous in the bigger scheme of things but I'm the sort of person who needs to plan ahead and we just can't do that. I'm terrified that their every future Christmas might be scarred by their Grandmother's death.

Sorry for the depressing thread

At 7 and 11 they really are old enough to be told. I made a mistake of excluding my DC who were 7 and 9 when MIL died and they have felt I was wrong to do so.
If you think they can handle seeing her I would take them sooner rather than later. A day can make a difference at the end of life as to whether the sight would be too shocking for the DC.

it does not marr christmas days to come. there is no need to tell the children on christmas day if she does die. you can tell them on boxing day. they should know already that grandma is really ill anyway. not may people are able to say that they had a party the day mil died. We were mid party when we found out. ex put a brave face on and finished the day for the children.

Firstly, I just want to say how sorry I am to hear that your family are going through this sad thing at Christmas.

We lost my DF on Boxing Day last year, and it's a truly heart breaking thing to lose someone you love at Christmas. We are still coming to terms with it, and finding this Christmas very hard. I think now, for adults it's the worst time to lose someone, but actually as a child it's maybe the best time for someone they love to pass on, because at least in years to come they will have distractions and new memories to ease it.

Of course you are not BU to worry, but I hate to say it - YABU to not tell your children she is dying. Yes, you hope that she will make it until after Christmas, but if she doesn't, it will be such an awful shock, and that will make it worse.

It's really important for children to have the time to process what is going to happen, and to get the chance to say goodbye before it's too late.

We explained it all to DN, 8, and although he was extremely sad, he really valued getting to say goodbye to my DF in his own way before it was too late. There are some really good books you can get them to help you explain it, and it's also worth contacting Winston's Wish - the charity for child bereavement, who have a support line to help you. www.winstonswish.org.uk/

Sorry to write you an essay, and hoping so much that you get to have this Christmas before your MIL passes, but please don't let it come as a shock to your children.

If MIL always loved Christmas then it wouldn't be the worst thing for her to die then, on a happy day, when families are together. Will family be with her / is she in hospital? If it happens, it will be better if the DC are prepared and see it as something MIL was ready for IYSWIM. and you carry on with Christmas day as calmly as you can. It wouldn't have to ruin it forever, if you just started a tradition of remembering her, maybe by singing her favourite song or something, at Christmas.

I think OP you sound like me, a planner and a bit of a worrier, and it might help you to take control by preparing yourself and the DC for the idea and letting them know if it happens it will be OK, everyone will manage and however they feel/respond is OK.

My children's dad died just before Xmas.

I was worried it would taint Xmas for ever but it hasn't. Because their dad loved Xmas so much they still have a great time knowing that it was what he would have wanted. His last wish was to have one last Xmas with them but he didn't make it so we have a toast to him, make decorations for him (baubles with messages inside) and tell stories about him around the table. The first Xmas was awful obviously, but he was still in the funeral home waiting to be cremated and they were still in the first days of raw grief.

I agree that you need to talk to your children, I believe honesty is always the best way when dealing with children and death. The more you keep it from them the more scared they might be and shocked when it happens. I disagree with keeping things like this from children but totally understand why people find it hard to tell them. I had years of having to be open and honest about cancer and his prognosis and it wasn't pretty but I believe the preparation helped them in the long run. You can never truly prepare anyone for losing a loved one, but it does help when children can trust you to be open and honest with them because they will know something isn't right and without all the information that will just scare them more. This is also the approach a lot of professionals told me to take when I spoke to them.

I am so sorry for your family. Lots of love to you all and I hope you manage to have a nice Xmas under, or as nice as it can be under the circumstances

Children are much more matter of fact about these things. Honestly.

Sorry for the extra under!

We have the same worry with FIL. He's lost lots of weight in the past couple of weeks to the point that he looks skeletal and is pretty much bedbound, now. Such a quick deterioration. He was really struggling for breath at the weekend :(

I think it would be a good idea to prepare your children now, that way they have longer to take it in, whether it happens xmas day or a month's time. Is there time for them to visit her before Xmas, that way they've had chance to see her one last time. I can remember all of my grandparents dying and when, and I coped. It hit me harder when my own Dad died, so I think it'll be harder on your DH than your children.

You will work it out as a family. It'll be hard on all of you, but one thing Granny/Grandma/Nan would want is for her loved one to still celebrate Xmas. If it does happen on Xmas Day, in future years you put flowers on her grave Xmas Eve or flowers/candle up in your house to remember Granny, that way children can remember her, you all have a cuddle together etc, and then focus on positive things for Xmas Day which she would have wanted.

This sounds awful, but if it does happen on a bank holiday, funeral directors will be available, so you don't need to have that element hanging over you. Do you have anyone who could take your DCs if inevitable does happen over the Xmas period as your DH may need some support. If not, is there someone else in the family who could support him?

And while DS1 isn't at all close to his grandfather (he has ASD and has always been terrified of him, in fact) we have explained to him that granda is very poorly and that's it's very worrying for dad and grandma and that, while we're planning on doing lots of nice things during Christmas week, we might have to change our plans if dad needs to go and spend some time with his mum.

I think it's one of those things that needs to be an ongoing conversation, pitched at an appropriate level.

Thank you, you are all so wise and I know we should tell them now. I had hoped to maintain normality for as long as possible but I agree that telling them gently now that she isn't getting better is better than it all coming as a big shock later.

Thanks especially to those of you with practical suggestions. It's all the stupid practicalities that keep playing on my mind. We don't really have any other family on hand to help with the DC and I'd hate to have to disturb any of our friends' Christmas plans, but hopefully it won't come to that.

Condolences to all those who have had to deal with this in previous years

My great grand mother died unexpectedly on Christmas morning many years ago - she is now the excuse for having a glass of something fizzy at around mid-morning (the first drink of the day) to say "happy christmas grandma" and remember what a lively old bugger she was, enjoying herself to the last. It was far from good the day it happened obviously, but she was always the life and soul of the party, so it feels right to remember her with a smile as part of the celebrations. I hope your MIL lasts just as long as is right for her xx

I'm quite a 'planner' too. On a practical note, would it help to make a 'mental plan' and just keep it to yourself? You know; full tank of petrol or travel fare set aside, tentative travel plans if she's not near, quietly pre-arrange last minute childcare, decide who will make what phone calls, that sort of thing. When something is out of my control it helps me to 'have a plan' tucked away.

My sons were 8 and 13 when my MiL died. They weren't really prepared as she'd been poorly for some time but took a sudden turn and died. They were OK. I think preparing them really doesn't do much, kids usually don't truly 'internalize' death until it happens.

Prayers for you and your family. I hope your MiL is at peace soon.

When I was 8 my uncle took his life on Christmas morning. He had been battling a drinking problem but was given so much support by my parents, they found him as they'd gone to fetch him so he could stay with us. The demons were too much for him in the end. It affected me for a long time but that's because he chose to take his own life.

Years later my grandfather passed away on Christmas eve following a long illness. I remember him fondly and a part of my day will always be with him.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. If the worst happens at Christmas then you will get through it.

Op. It is granny, so possibly won't have as huge an impact on the dc as it will her son.

My dad's dad died on Christmas Day evening before my mum and therefore us were ever in the picture. He had lung cancer. I think my dad was early to mid 20's at most. His sisters were late teens.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I found this out, and then realised why my dad was never happy at Christmas, even grumpier and with a much shorter fuse than normal. Learning how his dad passed away made sense of many, many Christmases with my mum trying her best to keep the peace between 2 girls hyped up with Christmas and a husband who would have his grief brought into sharp and unavoidable focus every single year.

So if granny does pass away, the children will likely see it as one of those things. They are young, they will be nicely distracted by festivities. However, how your dh deals with it will set the scene for future Christmases instead.

Hoping granny holds on long enough for you.

Tell them now. Honestly. I was nine and ten when my grandmothers died - same year, four months apart. I remember being in the bath when the first one had just gone into hospital, and asked my mother outright if Nana was going to die. She hesitated, then said yes. I cried, but I was prepared - she died a few days later. It would have been so much if I hadn't known how ill she was.

Much love to you OP. Really hope you can still have a wonderful Christmas, whatever happens. X

I work in a place where people die every day, and losing a loved one on Christmas day is especially hard, as is losing a mum on mothers day or a father on fathers day. I have experienced some terrible mothers days at work with young children losing their young mums. We find sometimes people try to hang on until a special day for the sake of their family and then let go. I hope that if it does happen you will have plenty of support around you and you will be able to celebrate Christmas in future years still.

Oh U2 so so sorry for your terrible loss and all the other sad stories too.

Op prepare your children as it's much better to have some sort of warning and allow them to prepare themselves.

My lovely mil died in the same hospital I had given birth in 2 weeks earlier.

Just go with the flow and do your best. Xxx

OP, my sympathies to you.

I really would chat to a couple of good friends about this, just in case you get called to the hospital on Christmas day, so you have a plan in hand.

If you were my friend I would welcome your children happily - a couple of extra kids is not much trouble at Christmas.

My grandfather died on Christmas Day when I was about your kids' age and it was a bit weird that year, but it definitely didn't ruin Christmas forever or anything. I always liked that he died on a special day that he loved and we were happy. What was much harder was my aunt dying very suddenly aged 32 on 22nd Dec, as everyone was in the throes of grief on Christmas Day.

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL and hope she has a peaceful end.

Some of these stories are very touching, all very sad. I love the idea of a Baileys if you are on your way out, and a lovely way to remember someone, with something personal!

My dear Dad died unexpectedly the very day my DS was born. It was awful, but in subsequent years my mum said that we were not to dwell on it being the day my dad died, more that it should be a celebration of my sons birth.
of course we think about Dad, but we tend to make his birthday Dad,the day we really think about him.
I worked for Macmillan for years and rarely had a death on Christmas day.
If you know she loves Christmas then go all out!
I agree you need to talk to your children.

My gran said she was going to die on Christmas Eve as she wanted to spoil Christmas for everyone. And did so. Strangely though, it didn't spoil Christmas, as she was an evil old trout. There was not one wet eye at her funeral (and not many there either).

You won't be burdening friends to ask for help whether it's Christmas Day or any other day. I'd feel a shit friend if any of mine wouldn't ask me in these circumstances.

I'm sorry to hear mil is terminal and at end if life - it's horrific to see.