To be surprised to hear that most children don't get their parents a Christmas present?

[Mitfordhons]

I have three dc's who are all in their early to mid teens, during a chat recently they told me that none of their friends buy or make their parents anything for Christmas. Mine have been doing this since they were very young. When they were very little in 5/6 they'd either make something or I'd take them to a pound shop to buy something for me & Dh and both sets of grandparent then gradually as they got older they'd use their pocket money. In November they start saving and might do some extra jobs to earn money.

They children themselves were shocked and we're all astonished that their friends will happily receive a huge pile of presents from famiky but not even think to give something in return. All three are just as excited to see how everyone likes their presents as they are to get some. I can't help feel that this is in part why some many children have such an entitled attitude.

My boys have gone out and bought each other a gift, but I don't expect them to get one for me yet. When they start earning their own money I shall expect them to buy something small for me & dh, but whilst its me giving them a small amount of pocket money, I'd rather they spent it on themselves. We do live a very frugal life though and they really don't get a lot of pocket money.

I always get a gift for DP (this year they are both getting their favourite perfume and aftershave respectively) DB on the other hand is a stingy git and gets a present for both of them to use (eg restaurant vouchers)

We have 4 dc Nooka and I honestly don't care about getting presents for myself. I used to think it was sad that my parents didn't get each other presents...but for us it's just practical. We can't afford to buy adults' presents. I'd get something for dh if we were richer but like the fact that we don't do presents for adults in the family. Even £10 on each of our parents, siblings and partners would be £100 and a tenner doesn't buy much. I don't want the presents we'd get from them and they don't want what they'd get from us. I'd much rather spend the money on dc and not have the hassle of finding presents for everyone either. It is personal choice but works for us!

When my children were small I would never have asked them to get us something, they had no money. When they got older and had pocket money etc they started buying us something small from their own initiative but it was never mentioned by me or DH, they asked to buy something for DH when out with me and vice versa when out with DH. You don't have to teach that to a child. I still tell them not to buy for us but to donate to charity instead, they do both.

I also disagree that most children do not buy their parents presents. I say that as a parent of a 12 and 9 year old, and as a teacher.

My DDs don't get regular pocket money yet (we said we'd start a bank account and put money into it when she turned 12, but we haven't quite got around to this yet!) so I give them the money, but it's been a tradition for years that my mum and I take the girls shopping and they have a day out choosing their gifts. In fact we had our shopping day yesterday. I gave them £40 each and they chose presents for me, each other, their dad, grandparents, uncle and friends. That's £5 per person. They didn't buy amazing gifts, but I wasn't tat either. For example, they bought my dad the shower gel he likes to use (£4), DD bought my brother a new pen for work that he wanted... Nothing exciting, but useful down to earth presents. All something that they chose.

Oh and I don't think it has to be that or charity giving either. One of the things we do do each year is to buy an Oxfam gift for us as a family. Just a little something to remember those not as fortunate as us.

None of my nieces or nephews have ever given me anything in spite of generous gifts, not even a thank you card. So I stop giving when they reach 18 years old.

I would buy on behalf of dd, small things like 'Best Dad' socks, or help her make something. DH cottoned on to the idea that he could buy things for me on her behalf when she was about 6!

I thought all parents did that for each other. My parents would give my brothers and I 3d each to get something for mummy/daddy.

The tat comments were based partly on the large number of people who just give the kids free reign in Pound land [santa] but also on the piles of absolute tat that most people do give and receive for Christmas - 3 for 2 offers and plastic novelty items, nick-nacks, smellys not personal to the recipient, gifts that are about the giver's interests not the recipient and assigned to recipient fairly randomly after purchase etc. etc.

I generally don't see why Christmas has to be about armfuls of presents - DH and I don't buy for each other either, but we do buy something special for each other's birthdays, and the kids voluntarily buy for us then - we never ever tell or ask them to, telling people to buy you a present is hardly modelling acceptable behaviour!

I buy for childless adults who buy for my kids, out of a sense of balance because otherwise childless adults get a raw deal, and we give grandparents presents from our nuclear family (sometimes several items but better one or two good items than a small bit of cheap rubbish from each family member just to make it look as if everyone has bought their own gift), plus sometimes the kids make grandparents things, and make us things - but I don't want bought Christmas presents - all Christmas is to me is a time for the kids, I wouldn't bother with it if I didn't have kids, and I don't want bought Christmas presents, neither does DH.

We buy far too many presents on compulsory Hallmark occasions culturally - birthdays, easter, mothers day, father's day, Christmas... I'd rather we just buy something special for a birthday - a day that is about one individual (unless you're a twin/ triplet... obviously, but even then not about all and sundry).

Everyone has to have something from everyone at Christmas (as well as buying for all the other annual "occasions") is just going to lead to sees of unnecessary "stuff" bought purely for the sake of buying "stuff"... especially in bigger families!

*seas

I'm sure some kids don't give but I don't think it's in anyway the norm. I reckon your kids were having you on a bit. Parents aren't the only ones who can tell white lies to keep up the magic of Christmas - won't you enjoy your pressies more by knowing your kids have gone above and beyond the average call of duty in giving them?

But that's you Schwab....

Different families have different traditions, and you can't judge them by your standards.

So you don't buy lots for Christmas, but I don't buy lots for birthdays. In our house, Christmas is for presents and birthdays are for the celebration. My children are lucky if I get them £50 of presents for their birthdays. I rarely spend that much. But on birthdays we celebrate the person. My daughters will have the money spent on their parties. For family, we'll all go out for a nice meal. Is that any better? No, just different.

Other people (I know and on here) won't buy their children much at Christmas at all, but all year round will pick something up for their children if they see it. Is that better? Is it any less materialistic? I don't think so. I know someone who picks her children up something most weeks (a book, a magazine, toy that they want, something reduced in the sale) that's almost 50 presents over the course of the year. Whereas if I were to see something for my children, it would get put away for Christmas. I don't think it's any less materialistic to restrict your giving to one time of the year, rather than spreading it out over the course of the year.

No one way is right, and I reckon they all balance each other out in the end. But I don't think you can just dismiss people who give lots at Christmas as overly materialistic, because whilst for some it is, for others it is merely restricting what is given all year round. For example, in my children's Christmas sacks they are getting a years supply of socks, pants, school tights. My daughter actually requested new school trousers this year... Lots of gifts, but very little tat.

I don't think you can assume people who buy lots are necessarily buying tat. Some will, but equally I know families where they just buy each other a token gift for Christmas (and that generally is tat). Whereas, I'm getting some new boots I wanted, some books for work and hopefully a new light shade. We do lots of presents, but we don't do tat and we don't do landfill. I don't think you can assume more presents = more tat. For some yes, but not for everyone.

Everyone does things differently, and whilst I hate the giving of tat and buying stuff for landfill, I don't think you can just dismiss people who give lots at Christmas for that. Different people do things differently, and I don't think anyone can judge and say their way is better. It's not.

That's a fair point Katla

Its more the assumption that it reflects badly on a child not to have bought their parents something, and that parents are bringing their children up to be selfish if they don't insist their children purchase something, anything, for them - it seems backwards to me, as does the assumption implicit in many posts and that the better a person you are, the more people you give presents to, pretty much regardless of what you give ("Its the thought that counts" means you should have put thought into the gift, even if perhaps you misjudged, it doesn't mean its the fact you wrapped something random that counts).

The thread is full of pound shop references, and that stuff is usually bought just because it is "stuff" rather than because Auntie Edna has always wanted a cheap scented candle or snowman mug or plastic ornament!

Well, DD tends towards useful tat. That's why DH gets socks every year, because he needs them. But she chooses carefully which ones are the nicest. (And the year that EVERYONE got socks, they ALL got a different pair and each was picked individually to suit their personalities best). She is a great M&S customer at this time of year!

I'd love her to spend less on some things - but she is choosing carefully and thinking about the people. So DGM (MIL) is getting a lovely lavender candle because she is sad and needs a nice smell to relax, and DD loves using lavender to relax herself (shower gel, bubble bath and oils in burner). Whereas DGF is getting a book on puzzles - called "Clever Commuter" although he is now retired, but he loves Sudokus etc and is doing a lot of air travel in January. And a naice small notebook for DGM (my DM) that will fit nicely in her handbag for all her lists. So those 3 alone left me with very little change from a €50 note in 1 shop - but I admire the thought behind them.

Only 1 thing this year falls into the tat category - the Gingerbread man mug she chose for the childminder, because she loves her cups of tea AND loves Christmas (put antlers on her car every year for example!). So even that has thought behind it, and there are HM truffles that DD made going with the mug.

I was very clear with my older children, ages 17 and 19, that I did not want or need a Christmas gift from them. As a parent, I wish to provide for my children, not to receive from them. My little one will certainly make something, we look forward to the homemade presents with delight. I still wear the ceramic fish brooch she made last year, even though his tail has fallen off.

I'm with you Schwab. I have consumerism and it is worse at this time of year.

My birthday was last week - my family gave me no presents, we went out for a delicious meal I loved it.

We've got presents for the 2&3 yo, one thing for the baby and nothing for each other. Nevertheless we will still have a huge pile of new things, some of which will hit the mark, others won't. And there is a huge pile to give under the tree.

The children are well versed in giving to others. They appreciate us anyway.

*hate

The tat comments were based partly on the large number of people who just give the kids free reign in Pound land santa but also on the piles of absolute tat that most people do give and receive for Christmas - 3 for 2 offers and plastic novelty items, nick-nacks, smellys not personal to the recipient, gifts that are about the giver's interests not the recipient and assigned to recipient fairly randomly after purchase etc. etc.

Yes I agree with that.

Which leads me on to another rant (sorry!) - you know what I really hate, those lists 'top ten must-have toys for kids 2015' and that sort of thing. NO! Show some imagination FFS. Why would some journalist need to tell me what my own children/husband/SIL etc will love and appreciate? I can figure that out myself thanks, because I KNOW them. I know they can just be ignored (and I do ignore them clearly, just like all the toy ads that flood the TV - yes the DCs put stuff like the chocolate coin maker on their letters to Santa, but will they be disappointed when it doesn't appear, honestly they won't, because they will be so excited at the presents they are getting! ) but they just make me irrationally grumpy every year. I love choosing presents, I enjoy thinking about the people I love and what makes them tick, and finding those presents that they wouldn't have even thought existed, but that are perfectly suited to them.

In a similar vein, DH has had so many bizarre reactions from colleagues in the past when he's told them what he got me for Christmas/birthday etc (and I have ranted on here before about this, sorry for repeating...) - it's amazing how many people just couldn't understand why he wouldn't get me a designer handbag, jewellery or perfume because that is what husbands are supposed to get their wives apparently never mind the fact that DH knows, for example, that i HATE handbags and enjoy the geeky shoulder bag he got me a few years back, that I find jewellery uncomfortable to wear, and that I only really love one type of perfume and a bottle lasts a few years because I only use it occasionally. But the colleagues didn't understand that I would actually be over the moon with the Lego set or art print or card game or... metronome . Don't get me wrong, I know my interests are a bit quirky, I am a proud geek and I know lots of people wouldn't like to receive what I do and that's cool, but it baffles me that they can't understand that I do, and that it is far more thoughtful for a husband to actually think about what THEIR wife would love, and choose something on those lines, rather than go for what society tells them is an acceptable present.

Gosh sorry that was a ridiculous rant happy Christmas folks

when my kids were young they didn't as Santa delivered gifts. I didn't expect them to buy gifts until they had some money. My teenagers still don't really have much money. It's nice if they get me something but I don't care if they don't. I know they love me, I have enough stuff. Their names are included on our presents to grandparents etc.

YANBU and I'm really surprised that older teens wouldn't make the effort, even if it was just a token gift.

My DD is 11 and earlier this year we v got her an Osper debit card account and started giving her regular pocket money (she get £10 a month from us and £10 from my parents, plus a bit extra at school holidays).

I took her to get DH's present as it's something very particular to him and more expensive than I'd expect her to pay for her.

Completely off her own back DD has found my Amazon wishlist online, ordered me a present from it (am fairly sure it's a DVD of an old film I love) and paid for it with her own money.

I already know it's going to be my favourite present just because of the fact she's made so much effort and done it all completely independently

I think it rather sad, half the fun of presents is being the giver and having secrets. I always remember my father involving us in buying presents for my mother and us doing elaborate disguises. My mother did the same for my father, but she wasn't as much fun at wrapping.
I have always done the same for my children and they always get us presents.
When I was a single parent I used to take my son when pre school in the evening to see the lights and then into one of those chemist shops that had a Christmas showroom. I gave him some money and explained to the assistant and she used to help him choose and gift wrap it for him while I waited outside. Very impressively he managed to keep it a secret until the day. It was a lovely part of Christmas.
They used their own money when they had pocket money- nothing cost much. They gave to each other too.
Now that all three are adults they are all very imaginative present givers.

I think that you are missing out badly if you don't have the pleasure of giving.
Father Christmas brings stockings- there is no way that he brings my presents!

I don't think it is the norm- having been a teacher I know that children love giving gifts to parents.

I started buying presents once I was earning money, so from about 14 when I had a Saturday job.

My kids 5, 9 and 10 don't get anyone anything.

A huge part of Christmas appears to be missing if you just receive and miss the pleasure of giving.

I am so glad we do only stocking from Father Christmas and everything else from who it's from, including main present from parents. Even toddlers like to pick out something from a shelf to give. I think not getting children involved in gift giving does make them very grabby. The only friend I have who gives everything from FC and children never get parents anything are more grabby, but this is a case series of 1!