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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be surprised to hear that most children don't get their parents a Christmas present?

112 replies

Mitfordhons · 22/12/2015 08:03

I have three dc's who are all in their early to mid teens, during a chat recently they told me that none of their friends buy or make their parents anything for Christmas. Mine have been doing this since they were very young. When they were very little in 5/6 they'd either make something or I'd take them to a pound shop to buy something for me & Dh and both sets of grandparent then gradually as they got older they'd use their pocket money. In November they start saving and might do some extra jobs to earn money.

They children themselves were shocked and we're all astonished that their friends will happily receive a huge pile of presents from famiky but not even think to give something in return. All three are just as excited to see how everyone likes their presents as they are to get some. I can't help feel that this is in part why some many children have such an entitled attitude.

OP posts:
Geraniumred · 22/12/2015 09:01

Dd has bought a small something for DH and myself from her own money and made things for her school friends but I discouraged her from buying anything for any other relative due to the huge size of our family.

Orda1 · 22/12/2015 09:04

so are they giving things to aunties, uncles, godparents etc too? I think I only started giving my parents gifts when I was about 14.

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 22/12/2015 09:06

We get 4 tree presents each. At the moment, I buy them all (except mine which DH buys). The kids help me choose DH's. They also have input into what we buy the grandparents.

Quite honestly I can't afford to start spending even more money at christmas so am reluctant to start going down the kids buy for parents, for each other, for grandparents, for aunts and uncles... That's a whole lot more presents!

WeAllHaveWings · 22/12/2015 09:11

most dc we know get their parents something. dh's present from ds(11) went under the tree last night, although ds is still terrible at wrapping and it looks like he used 1/2 a roll of paper and metres of cellotape on a small box.

GinGinGin · 22/12/2015 09:16

Gosh I think YAB a little bit U. Depends on how old the kids are I suppose. I don't get giving very young kids money to buy their parents presents - I think once they are old enough to understand (& would guess that would happen at around age 7 onwards??) fair enough, but younger than that, no.

nooka · 22/12/2015 09:17

I used to help the children make presents for all the close family that were giving them presents. Usually chocolates, biscuits, decorations or other small handmade gifts. It did add up a bit I guess, but the recipients knew it was from all of us really, so their present from me was a bit smaller I suppose.

I don't do it anymore as we emigrated and the postage was too high, but when we saw everyone at Christmas it was really nice.

wonkylegs · 22/12/2015 09:17

I have a firm belief that Christmas is not all about the kids as my SIL put it, it's about family so DS is encouraged to buy or make for mummy and daddy and so will the new sibling. We do family presents to grandparents and extended family but often DS helps choose them or make them ( we did Xmas biscuits for great granny yesterday)
DS seems to enjoy it, has the same awful sense of humour in his giving as his father and it does seem to make him understand that the world does not revolve just around him.

rosaeva · 22/12/2015 09:22

I didn't buy my parents as a child. As an adult I very rarely have something to call my own. It didn't make me entitled.

Sighing · 22/12/2015 09:22

When I was a single parent my mum would help my DD's choose something and wrap it. I would help them get something for their Dad. Now I facilitate a shopping trip for: their dad, step-dad, step mum, grandparents (many) and anyone we are with at Christmas. They're always keen to find something for my best friend as well. Their Dad helps them with something for me now. They are always keen to watch people open their presents. I remember (a shorter list) doing the same. It's (well over timewise) 1/2 of Christmas to wrap and choose / make things!

cosytoaster · 22/12/2015 09:33

Mine always have - when they were younger exH used to get something from them and they'd wrap it, now they're teens I expect them to save some money and buy something for me and their dad. I definitely don't want them ending up the type of men who leave sorting out Xmas presents to their future partners!

Pidapie · 22/12/2015 09:34

Surprises me that people don't buy presents from the children to the adult. We used to go with one parent to buy for the other parent. And still buy to parents of course! Teaching our son to do the same!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/12/2015 09:36

Are you sure your children weren't just priming or reassuring you that whatever they get you, their pals don't even bother getting their parents anything at all, fancy that, OP?

Christmas unlike birthdays is not a one-way process. It doesn't have to be anything that costs much but some sort of present would be kind. My mum would tell us "Oh don't spend your money on me" and now I find myself saying the same but it is nice to show some thoughtfulness.

MrsMook · 22/12/2015 09:36

DS (5) wanted to buy me something. Admittedly I was there and paid for it, but I'm pleased that he did think about buying me something. For birthdays/ Christmas we do a small DCs to parents present. We concentrate present buying on our immediate family and cousins, so it's a manageable quantity.

As a teenager, I'd save up and buy for family and friends.

JimmyGreavesMoustache · 22/12/2015 09:37

the each DC wrap and label one of the things I buy for DH. they also choose a present for each other, which they get very excited about giving. they make cards for us and for each other.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 22/12/2015 09:37

Frizzy writes "So are these kids going to get to 18 and be completely overwhelmed at their first xmas shopping trip"

THAT is what is shocking and sad - that people buy so much at Christmas that a Christmas shopping trip could be overwhelming.

Why do we need to train our children to be conspicuous consumers, and that the way to show they are unselfish and good is to buy mountains of tat from the pound shop with all their pocket money?

Made presents are fair enough and sweet - but why do we all have Christmas lists as long as our arms and think it is a good thing to pass the mad over buying habit on to our kids?

It would generally be an excellent thing if we all bought less - especially at Christmas when 90% of it is buying for the sake of buying (going to a pound shop and choosing random tat being the epitome of that!).

I don't want my kids to buy me anything because I don't need yet more tat, and they make me stuff all the time - just because presents are much, much nicer than "must by Mum/ auntie S and a long list of other people a random item because its Christmas and it's my duty as a good person to show them I love them buy giving them a cheap pen/ bottle of shampoo/ stapler/ novelty plastic father Christmas" presents.

rosaeva · 22/12/2015 09:38

We don't buy for each other or buy presents from the children to us. I don't see the point tbh as I find ad an adult there isn't anything you want.

BiddyPop · 22/12/2015 09:42

DD is 10. Her Christmas shopping is getting as expensive as my own.

She has always bought DH and I something since the Christmas she turned 2 (birthday on Boxing Day). At school, most years, she does the "Secret Santa" at the school fair - the DCs pay in advance and there are enough gifts for all to choose from, and "Elves" (from 6th class) to help all the little ones choose and wrap their choices for parents, costs €3 per present per child and it is a surprise for the DC to keep (either until they find the parents again at the fair, or maybe even until Christmas Day!!).

But she also buys for all 3 of her DGPs, most of her DAunts/DUncles, her 6 DCousins, and my 3 DCousins who are her age (big families so generations get mixed). We have had the year of Hama bead tree decorations (which DH loved as the ironing man in our house!!), the year of the socks for all adults, and this year was actually lots of different things to suit their own personalities. DH invariably gets socks and either hankies or an umbrella, sorry, I can't get her to change from this. I get some interesting things that DH has helped to choose, one year it was a teapot! I know it's from an outdoor shop this year, that's all.

And it is partly funded from her own money box, and then subsidized by us.

We always bought or made something for our parents growing up. And while DH only had what Santa brought until he was older, in our house our DPs always had a present from them under the tree for each child as well as whatever Santa brought.

BiddyPop · 22/12/2015 09:43

Oh, and the extension to such a wide list is not something I forced, she was just looking at my lists and thinking she should have presents for most of them too. She's not always the easiest to deal with, but there is a lot of goodness hidden inside her too.

NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding · 22/12/2015 09:47

Not RTFT but YANBU! I really dislike the idea that Christmas is all about the children. My DCs have given a present to me and DH (and each other) since they were babies, obviously chosen by us at first but now they are old enough to choose themselves and it's brilliant seeing what they come up with. They are SO excited to give their presents - they talk about that just as much as they talk about opening their presents. DD wrote on my label "warning: you will scream [with excitement] when you open this" :o

I can understand doing no adult gifts if money is really tight of course.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 22/12/2015 09:53

My DD who is the eldest at 10 voluntarily buys for her little brothers (they don't have enough pocket money to buy anything meaningful, DS2 doesn't get pocket money at all but DS1 does use his week's pocket money - €2 - to buy confectionery for immediate family birthdays throughout the year as they happen - which means he doesn't have money that week to buy himself sweets, so actually means something). DD usually asks me to take her to the shop and knows in advance what they want - she will usually spend the best part of her full month's pocket money on the two of them, which is a big sacrifice as her class has free access to shops in school lunch hour on the day she has afternoon school and all the kids go for sweets or other food treats, and she is left short. It means something and the presents mean something to her little brothers, so its lovely.

However I very much do not want to train my kids that everyone needs a big heap of presents, and that buying stuff is what Christmas is about (I'm not even religious and find the whole hype and cost of Christmas deeply ridiculous, I do only do it for the kids because while they are young it would be sad and dreary for them to miss out, so buying me random items is doubly stupid).

We do birthday presents and the older kids do buy for us - though something small and edible. I wouldn't have it any other way and would hate them to grow up feeling stressed and burdened by a socially created modern tradition of having to spend large amounts of money every year on stuff that will be in landfill or gathering dust by easter...

Higge · 22/12/2015 09:53

I don't support the notion that Christmas is about the kids. Happy for dcs to make something - it most definitely does not have to be bought, but they should be encouraged to think of someone other than themselves in the midst of all the excitement.

Nataleejah · 22/12/2015 09:56

If a 13 year old needs to be given money to buy their parents gifts, I think that's missing the point of gift-giving to be honest. Where is the sacrifice and thoughtfulness in that? Surely by 13 children should be capable of quietly saving up a small amount of money or making something without parental intervention?
Yeah, but where do a 13yo's "savings" come from? Weekly/monthly allowance, provided by... parents

Caboodle · 22/12/2015 09:57

I don't think yabu but dcs here do not buy anything...they are young (eldest is 10) and I cannot see the point in me buying more stuff we don't need for them to give to me / DH. The cards they make at school for us are enough. Plus....we have always done Father Christmas in a big way. When they are older I'm sure they will buy us small gifts. Will mean more as it will be from them.

Gatehouse77 · 22/12/2015 09:57

When mine were little we'd always make something for grandparents, teachers and g-dparents - ranging from clay models, decorated photo frames, painted plant pots, etc. Not because I'm some amazing crafty person or competing with other parents but because I want the kids to appreciate that gift giving is about thought and, to some extent, effort.

When they were older and asked to buy presents for DH or I, we did this. As pocket money/ allowance has increased they've organised themselves.

I wouldn't say I expect it but I'd think we'd done something wrong as parents if they didn't want to...

whois · 22/12/2015 09:57

I think thats really rubbish no getting parents a gift. If they don't ge pocket money you could take them on a special shopping trip with £10 or £10 (or just to pound land and let them choose something).