To be surprised to hear that most children don't get their parents a Christmas present?

[Mitfordhons]

I have three dc's who are all in their early to mid teens, during a chat recently they told me that none of their friends buy or make their parents anything for Christmas. Mine have been doing this since they were very young. When they were very little in 5/6 they'd either make something or I'd take them to a pound shop to buy something for me & Dh and both sets of grandparent then gradually as they got older they'd use their pocket money. In November they start saving and might do some extra jobs to earn money.

They children themselves were shocked and we're all astonished that their friends will happily receive a huge pile of presents from famiky but not even think to give something in return. All three are just as excited to see how everyone likes their presents as they are to get some. I can't help feel that this is in part why some many children have such an entitled attitude.

And ny DCs do think of others but not in terms of buying presents. This year they want to see Grandma a lot so she isn't alone since Grandad died.

DS is 5. He uses his pocket money to go with one parent to buy a present for the other, and visa versa. He spends around 5 pounds on each of us, gets one pound a week pocket money. He gets loads of gifts so doesn't need his pocket money particularly and enjoys buying us something. He did this at age 3 onwards.

A lot of giving is also about the giver anyway... giving is very often not unselfish (look what I got you! Open mine first! I want to be the one to give the main/ special present! I want to be the one to see my kids open the present I gave them! That person was rude not to open the present while I was there/ to open it immediately not save it for Christmas... I want to give presents and my family member doesn't, she's unreasonable as I live giving presents so she ought to spend money on me too so we can do the whole ritual which I enjoy even though she doesn't want to receive anything or spend much this year... I always give books because I value education/ reading... Where's my thank you letter? The thank you letter isn't long/ personal enough... those threads always hit MN after Christmas!)

Donating presents to refugees/ homeless centres/ women's refuges would be a good way for DC to think of others - others less fortunate, rather than buying random tat for people who already have everything that they need, at least everything a few pounds can buy...

Caboodle that is lovely - and they give far more of themselves spending time with somebody than on a quick shopping trip instigated and funded by a parent!

I didn't realise that children don't get other people presents. I can't remember talking about it with my friends at school. We did though - my parents were big on Santa, we were a "Santa brings everything unless it has "from Auntie Doris" on the tag" family, but of course Santa doesn't bring things for grownups so let's get something for mummy/daddy/Auntie Dor.

It doesn't really matter where the money comes from, it's the child picking it/making it that counts.

I don't think BU at all. My children are 7 and 5. For the past 2 years I have been making them choose something for their granny (who gives them loads) - it started off with a jar of jam and a box of chocs and this year for the first time they had a budget of £10 each to make or buy something. The point is that I want them to learn the concept of buying a present within a budget and learning that it is the thought that counts not the money spent. When they are old enough they will have to use their own money but until then I am happy to subsidise.

My DD is very thoughtful and ever since she was little she has either secretly made me a present, or bought somthing from her pocket money.
DS used to make me something, usually at school now he is a grumpy teenager but he usually comes and gives me a bristly kiss and wishes me a Happy Christmas.

my daughter was a bit like this. long time ago but i asked her if i give her a bit of money would she go out and choose me a present as i wont have anything to open at xmas. big sigh do i have to... wtf she really upset me that year. few years back now but made me see how very selfish she was.. shes got better now. last year i told her she only has to get couple bits from pound shop. for me and her siblings. that time she had her own money. so she got us couple bits from pound shop. i adviced her to buy something bit special for her boyfriend. but for his family just get them bits from the pound shop. but no she wanted to get them something better.. she felt all good about. it then when it came to xmas day she opened her stuff from his family and it was pound shop stuff. this year she has learnt and got most of her stuff from the pound shop.

YANBU, I want to start doing this with my DS but not sure how and when.
Problem is we do Christmas with my parents who are always very negative about giving and getting presents - they are not un generous, they give us money for Christmas, but they say they don't want gifts because they don't need anything and won't use them, and even if we just get them something token, e.g. a small pot plant they aren't pleased. I and my husband would usually not give each other anything pre-kids, but I think we have to start getting each other something now because as you say, DS ends up with loads of gifts and no-one else gets anything (DS is OC)and it is the wrong message to give and Santa doesn't exist
Luckily we've had a few gifts to me and DH from friends so this year we do have something to open too!

I like the suggestion about donating to refugees etc.

Our two (2 and 5) have always given each other, us (parents) and their immediate family gifts.

We help the youngest chose a present for the eldest; the eldest has a small budget we give him (he gets a very small amount of pocket money only so it doesn't seem fair to make him use it all!) to chose for the youngest

For DH and me, they will chose something together for each of us (the eldest has chosen Connect 4 for dad this year, no idea why! )

For grandparents and aunts/uncles we always make gifts. This year its hand made chocolate truffles! The kids have made them and will decorate the containers, then give them out to the family. I think this teaches them the value of giving up your time.

Chosing (or making) gifts is not about the money, as much as about thinking about other people and what they would like. I think its good to encourage them to think about others as well as obsessing over what they would like for themselves! (We also chose and pop a gift in the local supermarket collection for a local refuge).

YY to donating to those less fortunate...teaches caring and thoughtfulness and avoids the idea that buying more stuff shows people that you care.

My 16 yo always gets me, his Dad and wee bro a well thought out present.

I take the 6 yo into town to pick something for his bro and Dad.

I think it's important they learn the art of giving gifts and I'm proud that my older son does it all himself now.

Well, on the point of where can DCs get savings, yes there is pocket money from DPs that some can be saved, but in our case at least, DD occasionally gets money from other relatives (DFIL used to slip her a €5 note most times when we were leaving them, and sometimes there are other presents from other people). Sometimes there is birthday money, or for other occasions that people want to mark.

We have tried to get DD to save some of her money as she gets it, so she spends some pocket money but saves some too most weeks. She gets some treats bought by us, so doesn't need money a lot. And we throw our copper coins into her money box too (handy for us over time). When the box is full, we deposit a good proportion of it into her post office savings book. So she does get money out of her box to spend at school fairs, on holidays and for buying presents for Christmas and people's birthdays.

And I give her an extra €20 when we go Christmas shopping as well.

That's what used to happen in our house growing up as well, except no regular pocket money and no piggy banks, but we did have our post office accounts and saved our money there since we were tiny. And we'd always get a donation to our own Christmas shopping as well from DPs.

Actually, I also forgot. I started when she was about 4 to get her to choose a toy that she would like for someone who isn't as lucky as her to get a present, to give to local toy drives. Great way for me to see what she was really interested in, but at this stage, she still does it and thinks very carefully about what would be a good present and even bought it with her own money this year.

I agree that it's certainly not "most children" who fail to get presents for their parents. None of my children's friends fall into that category, and that's friends covering both primary and secondary schools.

In my experience for teenagers like the OP's DCs' friends not to buy for parents would be very unusual. I am a secondary teacher, and students often discuss what they are buying for parents - I've never had one say they didn't buy for them. That's since 1988 in a range of schools in different parts of the U.K. and with different levels of affluence.

I don't think I know any children who don't give their parents presents; sometimes made, sometimes bought, but definitely presents are given by children for Xmas and birthdays, and on a fair few 'just because...' occasions too.

Great post schwabi. Yy to doing thoughtful things over presents.

My dd has only asked for sweets for xmas. The other one asked for a tenners worth of stuff.

I don't agree with the idea that whatever children choose for their parents will be tat or bought just for the sake of buying. It will not be the case if they start off getting guidance from their other parent who presumably knows what you will love, and the children then get to know what you like. For my birthday the other week DD (8) chose me a book, it's beautiful (and not the kind I can get in the library, where we usually get books from as we don't/can't really afford to buy them throughout the year) and it is absolutely perfect for me, because she knows what I love. In the past I have given ideas for what DH might like, but this year she came up with something all by herself and DH will love it. We are a very geeky family though so it's perhaps easier to find things we will like relating to our specific interests. Either way, their gifts are never tat, they are meaningful and much treasured.

Our children don't but only because it would be another thing I had to co-ordinate and pay for. We don't give adults presents in our family, just the dc, so we don't get each other any either. The dc get a lot of enjoyment from baking for people and making cards. They do make us cards.

That seems a little sad to me mrtwitsglasseye. Growing up I remember my father giving lots of presents to my mother at Christmas, I can't imagine them sitting there opening nothing while we got more and more things. Our Christmasses were never just about children, my father certainly used it as an excuse to show my mum how much he cared for her (she has a bit of a puritanical streak, so hard to treat on a normal day).

Just goes to show how varied people's Christmas traditions are really.

I also don't really understand the 'tat' comments, why would children give rubbish presents if they are guided and love the people they are buying gifts for?

Me and DH get each other something from the DCs. I know mine will be another Me to You bear ornament because I said I quite liked them and now the DCs take great pride in picking one themselves every birthday, Christmas and mothers day. I like them though as they always choose them carefully and are very excited to see me open it. I choose DH's fro them. I also get them something from each other. I have 4 siblings and it's very hit and miss whether they buy for our dad, they certainly don't bother with his birthday or fathers day and one in particular is quite grabby and selfish so there could be something in it. She doesn't buy for anyone though, not even a box of sweets for our DCs.

When they were small, DH and I would supply presents for them to give - to the other parent, to grandparents, to each other (which I think is very important, the each other bit). Then they would come to choose, then they would buy with supervision.
This is the first year I haven't been involved at all, not even by them using my Amazon account!
THey have told me what they've got each other, and I'm actually quite proud that although they give the impression of hating each other they have both chosen really appropriate gifts, and obviously DO listen to each other. DD especially is going to be wahoo! about her present from DS.
I think it is really important that there is a present for everyone in the household from everyone in the household on Xmas morning, even if it's a Poundland job!

I should add they are mid-late teens, not babies, so we can dispense with 'all the presents are from Santa'!