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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about maternity leave?

111 replies

Nicebucket · 22/12/2015 03:41

I am probably being unreasonable not to know this, but I've been wondering.

I know that UK allows one year maternity leave, but is it possible to take only 3 months or even less? Would employers force somebody to take more? I work in banking btw and literally every woman in my office took the entire year off.

Please no judgement and no patronising comments about how I will change when I have a baby and want to take a longer leave. Just practical, honest answers!

OP posts:

CPtart · 22/12/2015 21:20

I went back at 13 and 15 weeks respectively (albeit p/t) and my DC never suffered from separation anxiety. Quite the reverse. IME the worst case of separation anxiety I've seen was from those whose mothers didn't go back at all. Luckily both my DC were sleeping through most nights by three months and it wasn't too tough. It was the only break I got from them tbh.

GoooRooo · 22/12/2015 21:25

Nicebucket I went back to work (4 days a week) after four months with my first, and after five months with my second. It's fine. First child went to nursery, loves it and is a very polite and kind little boy. Second child is currently three months so I have a few weeks of mat leave left but she'll be going to a child minder when I go back to work.

I did it for financial reasons and for career reasons.

It is NO ONE ELSES business whether you go back to work or when. It is also NO ONE ELSES business how you choose to feed your child. However, you will have people comment on it and you'll have to have a thick skin.

It's only the start of people judging your parenting decisions though so it's a good introduction to screaming 'fuck off' in your head and smiling politely. Or just saying 'fuck off' out loud - I've done that too

Also - NO ONE ever says to my husband that he should be at home with the children. He went back to work after a week both times. I get it all the bloody time. We are both their parents and yet it seems it's only mothers who are terrible when they want to work.

Silvertap · 22/12/2015 21:30

I run my own business and didn't take any mat leave. I worked maybe 2-3 days a week from about 6 weeks old and just did emergency ad hoc stuff before that.

Working to me gives my family additional financial security, it gives me so many benefits and I believe my children are well rounded so far. I'd go so far as to agree with the pp who said that being at home for a year can make separation anxiety worse.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 22/12/2015 21:30

Do you have a partner who would do nights?

Regardless what your preferences, you also have to be realistic about your ability to operate on v little, v broken sleep if you don't. And IF you have a poor sleeper .

I would have been physically unable to return at three months to my high pressure job without making a dodgy decision or letting something slip through the net. Id have been fired. No doubt. Unless I had someone to do nights for me.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 22/12/2015 21:31

Oh, if you work in the City I am guessing your hours may mean a nanny and not nursery. They will often take from birth.

AndNowItsSeven · 22/12/2015 21:38

Nice, but when you have a baby you are not the most important person, your baby is. Yes many women have no choice but to take very short maternity leaves. You have that choice.

NerrSnerr · 22/12/2015 21:49

I'm not sure I could have gone back at 3 months, I was still physically recovering (I had a c section and was poorly afterwards) and my daughter was going to bed at about 10 with us and was up 2-3 hourly for feeds.

If you do have a choice (I know not everyone does) then I think you need to play it by ear. If you have a high needs baby it might be best for the baby that you stay at home. I know you said the job is great for you which is wonderful but the needs of your baby must come first. They may be fine with you going back at 3 months, or it may be a struggle.

90sforever · 22/12/2015 22:31

Why bother having a baby when your career clearly comes first?

LOL. Good to see the sisterhood
Alive and well

Bumwad I don't think OP said de was getting paid for 4 months, I think that came from other posters

90sforever · 22/12/2015 22:33

For me, the earlier the better. I could've managed it physically about 8 weeks (emcs) the longer MAT leave went on the harder it was to return. Not only emotionally but over the months the tiredness built up a bit.

Mind you I loved mat leave. So much easier than working.

Runningupthathill82 · 22/12/2015 22:36

I went back to work after 4 months. I had a very traumatic birth - which I was still recovering from - was breastfeeding, and DS wasn't sleeping more than an hour or two at a time through the night.

Was it hard? Yep. Was it the right decision for us? Absolutely. He's now a happy three-year-old and we have a fantastic relationship.

toots111 · 22/12/2015 23:22

I took 9 months with number one and would have been happy to have gone back earlier. Currently on mat leave with number 2 and planning to take a year this time. Last time I went back to a different job because the company restructured but ended up with a promotion. This time I interviewed for a promotion when on mat leave and got the job. They are holding it open till I go back. I am using my keeping in touch days wisely and staying involved but can say I would be incapable of doing a good job on the amount of sleep I am currently getting. I'd ruin my hard won reputation at work if I went back too soon. I'm lucky in that I work for a company that I truly believe treats people well on maternity, and I've worked hard to get where I am which stands me in good stead for my return. I'm doing my bit by staying in touch so they don't forget me.

LittleBearPad · 22/12/2015 23:43

Why bother having a baby when your career clearly comes first?

ODFOD

Would you ask the same of the Op's husband/partner? Or is it just women you reserve your mummy parent martyr requirements for.

BikeRunSki · 23/12/2015 00:11

Why bother having a baby when your career clearly comes first?

In my case, because DH was made redundant when DD was 4 weeks old.

Not everything is black and white..

AndNowItsSeven · 23/12/2015 00:54

Exactly bike, as I said in my second post some woman have no choice.

CallaLilli · 23/12/2015 00:58

Oh I agree with you AndNow, just look at all those men who return to work when their babies are a couple of weeks old.

BedmonsterSlayer · 23/12/2015 05:56

As a dad who is currently using some of his wife's maternity leave to look after Ds2 I can thoroughly recommend sharing with partner.

She went back to work after 6 months and I'm taking 3 months off. Barring the crushing and pervasive institutional sexism ( grrrrrr to baby changing only in ladies loos), it's brill and is really helping to build relationship between me and the little'un (as it did with his big brother last time).

But if another baby group asks me to sing a song about how useless men are I will not be pleased. The baby was a traitor and giggled though :(.

PeppermintInfusion · 23/12/2015 10:08

You are legally entitled to the same job if you return after ordinary mat leave (OML), and an equivalent job if you took the full year. However this is dangerous ground for them as it could be open to interpretations of discrimination.
I went back just before DS was 6 months, TBH I think would be harder to go back after 9months as he's starting to get clingy. But personally I think going back when you are still entitled to full pay isn't necessary, as essentially your company is giving you the green light to take at least that long IMO, I took less than my company generally offered as I wasn't entitled to paid ML (hadn't been there long enough), HR said they would usually want to know why someone wasn't taking the full paid time off.
Don't forget you can use up to 10 keeping in touch (KIT) days, and you can still keep up to date with what's happening checking emails etc. My ML paperwork said I was entitled but not forced to check/reply to emails etc once the 2 weeks post birth had passed.

Vanessamessa · 23/12/2015 10:14

Nice, it's great that you are thinking the possibilities through, but it seems like you (I don't think you mention a partner) are not willing to suffer the costs of having a child (time off work, the risk of being mommy tracked, time with your kid that could have been spent climbing the career ladder).
So honestly, if you are so concerned with the inevitable costs why have one? It's not compulsory! Most of my female superiors at work are childless and doing wonderfully. The only mums I know in banking who have made it work have a male partner whose career has taken the hit. I thought I could have it all, a glittering career and kids, I couldn't. If you succeed that's great, but something's gotta give there are only 24 hours in the day.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 23/12/2015 11:21

To add to what Peppermint and Vanessa said, if they are the kind of employer who would try and shaft you about getting your job back after maternity leave, they are the kind who will shaft you in multiple ways when you have a child. Unless you can act at all times as if you don't. Which means having a partner who will do all the times that the nanny is sick, or the nursery closes because of snow, or the Christmas nativity or the parents evening.

The only couples I have known in banking type jobs who both continue to have full on careers are the 'day nanny/night nanny' type families. It works for them, but it's not the sort of thing I'd want. Far, far more common amongst the successful women with children is a partner who is willing to let their career take a hit.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/12/2015 11:32

Once you are back at work, you are back. The City rarely takes it into account that you might not be operating at your peak. I've just seen a new Dad have his probation extended for poor performance that in my opinion is directly due to the fact that he started a new job here two weeks after his first child was born. He looked like death for weeks.

Depending on what you actually do, you may need to take into account the impact of chronic sleep deprivation on your ability to do the job.

Returning too soon on too little sleep could leave you open to making trading errors for example which are generally not tolerated.

Thurlow · 23/12/2015 11:37

Just to echo what other posters say, having a baby (and then a child) in the house will potentially impact you quite a lot in many different ways.

It's great that you are thinking about this beforehand and looking to make the right decision.

A lot will depend on how much you earn, what your partner will be doing, and what kind of childcare you have. The idea of going back to work f/t is one thing, but even with one SAHP or a nanny there can still be a huge impact. Just in terms of your tiredness after being up in the night, childcare for illnesses, either your child's or yours or even your nanny's.

We both work f/t and use CMs and nurseries. I prefer working f/t and also consider my career very important. But sadly, even with just one DC, there has been an impact - I can't work long hours, I can't do out of work volunteering or writing, which is important in my sector. Little things like that.

It's certainly not impossible and I know many women who have returned to work after a few months and continued to work f/t and push very hard in their career. But they all have very good support networks of nannies or partners who are in a lower earning/less stressful role where it is less of an issue to take time off.

Like I said, it is fantastic to think these things through beforehand, but there is more to look at than just maternity leave.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 23/12/2015 12:02

HR could've been on quite dodgy ground there peppermint.

PeppermintInfusion · 23/12/2015 13:18

Sorry Fanny, I was trying not to write an essay and keep it short but realised that didn't read quite right - i meant HR said (in a round about way) that if a company offers you full pay for X no of months as standard the assumption is you'll be off for that long and there should be no expectation to come back earlier than that if you don't want to, as it's better to be back fully functioning than coming back too soon and performing badly.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 23/12/2015 14:00

Sure of course. I think the vast majority of women take any period of full pay offered to them. It's just that there's no obligation and no need for a reason if you don't.

LibrariesgaveusP0wer · 23/12/2015 14:06

I've heard that said in a round about way too Peppermint. Translates as "Once you are back, we don't want you fucking up an £x million deal/trade/case because you only had 3 hours of sleep or your section scar is so sore you can't think straight. We give you a decent amount of full pay in the hope that you'll only come back once you're fully functional."

Of course, that doesn't help when they still don't sleep and they are well over one

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