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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my house, my rules?

84 replies

foxessoxes · 21/12/2015 15:18

So- the plan up until last night was id spend Christmas alone as I didnt want to travel 150 miles to my parents to spend Christmas there.

Went for dinner last night and I invited my friend and her DD (who is also my goddaughter) round for Xmas dinner so she didnt have to worry about cooking because shes a shit cook Wink and then we have decided to spend the day together- they are coming over Xmas Eve and staying over and doing presents etc here

Parents called this morning to announce that they are coming, with my brother. And SIL and nephew. Right. Confused

I pointed out that I live in a 2 bed, tiny flat. Not a problem- Dad has booked them in to a local B&B.

So they think they can squeeze in to my tiny flat on Xmas day to do presents, and have Xmas dinner. I have a tiny kitchen and my oven is tiny- there is no way I can cook, and host, for 7. Not a chance- 3 will be a push.

Ive pointed thisout to DM- surely you can uninvite them? Surely family are more important? This just goes to show how selfish she can be.

Anyway. I was starting to relent- and then comes up the topic about presents.

SIL doesnt want to do the whole Santa thing with nephew. So is it OK if we tell friends 5 year old daughter, that there are no presents from santa this year? No. No its fucking not. Hmm

Que a rant about how selfish I am, how im not thinking about my own nephew at Christmas. I said- my house, my rules. She then tried to trump with "we gave you £500 towards your deposit". I have to admit, the tears from the laughter are still stinging in my eyes a little bit.

Ive told them they will be welcome to come- but they wont be staying, we will celebrate on my terms and if they dont like it- they can stay home, or if they are at my place they will be shown the door.

AIBU?

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 21/12/2015 17:37

And I'm obviously not saying no santa for the girl! I'm saying no opening presents from santa in front of the boy.

RideEmCowgirl · 21/12/2015 17:40

So OP, if you're not going to tell them not to come, what are you going to do?

Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2015 17:43

No point saying no. They dont take no for an answer when they are set on something

You have to teach them to take no for an answer. Now. Otherwise they will do this to you over and over again. So you tell them not to turn up because you won't be there, you disconnect the door bell and ignore any knocking. Or, better still, you ask your friend for a change of plan whereby you cook for her at her house, and go over there on Christmas Eve at the time they're planning to turn up.

EweAreHere · 21/12/2015 17:47

There is absolutely a point in saying no. You need to set boundaries and hold them to them, whether they like it or not. Not your problem if they don't. They do not run your life. Don't let them think they do. They are being unreasonable. Tell them you aren't hosting them. Please, for your own sake, or you'll spend the rest of your life letting them dictate how you'll be spending it.

ExBallerina · 21/12/2015 17:53

Ugh. This is just like my family. I've moaned about them on here enough already... But fuck, they're the worst.

At least you got a call. Mine just never answer texts and then show up unannounced, with friends in tow.

And I too have been asked to uninvited people for them.

I've said no. Loudly.

I'm selfish, spoiled, a bitch, cold-hearted...I don't care anymore. I am not seeking the approval of such people.

Good luck!

Inertia · 21/12/2015 17:54

If you really don't feel you can say no to them, you could always make it clear to them that you won't be cooking Christmas dinner and it'll be something that you can more easily cater- a sandwich and sausage roll buffet, or casserole in the slow cooker.

You could always have the Christmas dinner you've bought in with your friend on Christmas Eve.

Inertia · 21/12/2015 17:55

Oh, Dip has the right idea- have Christmas at your friend's house instead. If you're not there you can't host.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2015 18:17

"No point saying no. They dont take no for an answer when they are set on something"
And would this include telling your friend's 5-year old that there is no Santa? Seriously, they sound as if they would do just that!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2015 18:20

Instead of your friend and her DD coming to yours, could you go to hers and cook dinner there. So that they are just knocking on the door of your empty flat? Tell them now that you won't be there, obviously, but equally obviously don't tell them your friend's address.

Witchend · 21/12/2015 18:46

You know they'll probably wait for a good time to announce "truths" about fc in front of your friend's dd.

DisappointedOne · 21/12/2015 18:57

Yes, what is the deal with SiL not wanting to do Santa? Is this some sort of religious thing? What the hell is she telling her son when he comes home from school and says Santa is visiting all his classmates?

We don't do Santa. What I mean is that we haven't encouraged DD (5) to believe in Santa, or to obsess about what she's getting etc. There's no mince pie left out etc and no presents from Santa (at the moment). She showed an interest in seeing one, and did twice, but knew they were just people dressed up like at Disneyland.

It's similar to our handling of religion - if she asks we say that some people believe whatever it is and she's welcome to believe what she wants to. If she ever decides she likes the idea we'll adjust our activities accordingly. To "protect" kids whose parents go completely overboard lying to their kids about it we specifically don't say that he doesn't exist/isn't real.

We know we're in the minority, but we'd never expect others to adjust their children's expectations for us we just avoid visiting the in laws who go batshit crazy about it every year.

Dontunderstand01 · 21/12/2015 19:08

You really need to take a stand OP. I can't believe the cheek of them especially regarding santa.

Save up the £500 quid and pay them back plus interest. Eliminate anything they think they can handle over you.

ohtheholidays · 21/12/2015 21:47

Ring your Mum back now and tell her your cooker isn't working and your place is being fumigated so your spending Christmas with your friend Xmas Grin

Alohamora · 21/12/2015 22:43

Didn't you take a stand by not going to them in the first place? If you are the poster I'm thinking of your family are quite toxic?

I hope you get the Christmas you want and deserve OP SmileWine.

Pilgit · 21/12/2015 22:57

On the Santa thing - we don't have it in our house but DD1 is under strict instructions to respect that others do. We would approach it in that way - that we respect those that believe. Your relatives sound mental and I'm with the 'tell them to bugger off' brigade. It's just rude to invite yourself anywhere and at this late stage it's ridiculous.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 21/12/2015 23:10

Instead of your friend and her DD coming to yours, could you go to hers and cook dinner there.

This. Seriously. I'd do it if I were in your place. There are just too many 'unpredictables' with your family descending on your place. It's not fair to you or to your friend.

FishWithABicycle · 21/12/2015 23:19

What WhereYouLeftIt said:
Instead of your friend and her DD coming to yours, could you go to hers and cook dinner there. So that they are just knocking on the door of your empty flat? Tell them now that you won't be there, obviously, but equally obviously don't tell them your friend's address.

This is the thing to do.

Original poster
foxessoxes · 21/12/2015 23:45

Would it be really cruel to ring up the B&B they are in and cancel the booking? Theres no room whatsoever for them all here so they would probably have to go home Blush

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 22/12/2015 00:02

Just ring your mother and tell her they're not to come, you are not feeding them or having them at your flat. Don't bother with the B&B, just tell her. Because they will ruin Christmas for you your friend's DD Sad.

I wouldn't usually suggest this, but if you can't face the conversation then text her.

'Mum, the more I think about you all coming here for Christmas the more I realise that it really doesn't work for me. I am working both Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, I am not going to spend the 25th cooking and hosting! I have arranged a quiet day with my friend and her daughter and that is what I am going to have.'

Now that's a reasonable and polite text, but I'm pretty sure from what you've posted that it will spark a tirade from her accusing you of being selfish etc. so the follow up would be

'If we want to talk "selfish" then I think inviting yourself and four others to someone else's home on Christmas Day and demanding they cater for you all, with four days' notice; THAT'S selfish. Don't come, I won't be in.'

Or words to that effect.

The sooner you tell them not to come, the better.

DollyTwat · 22/12/2015 00:04

Do it op
Tell your family you and your friend are having a curry, and there will be no food for them.

My brother has decided against coming to my dads this year. I understand why. My dad gets drunk and is awful to him. It would be like us telling him we are coming to his.

He'd be horrified

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 22/12/2015 00:10

Ring your brother and SIL and tell them not to come.
Then ring your father and say the same thing, then tell your mother.
This will reinforce the message. Just dealing with your mother allows her to misrepresent what you are saying to the rest of the family.

I have had to do this. My mother is not toxic, but is poor with recognising/respecting her adult children's boundaries. I butted heads with her for ages about inviting herself and my father down and taking over when she did come. In the end, I spoke to my father, who recognised that I was being perfectly reasonable to object. I don't know what he said to my mother, but that was the end of turning up on very short or no notice, always answering my phone and sundry other transgressions.

cashewnutty · 22/12/2015 07:28

So your options are:
1)Tell them absolutely not. You have no room and it is not happening.
2)You tell them that in fact you are doing the Christmas dinner at your friends house as she has a bigger kitchen/her DD wants to be in her own house/you have a flea infestation (make up your own reason) so sadly you can't cater for them.
3)You tell them they can do Christmas morning in the B&B so your friends DD can do Santa at your house. They come at a very specific time to eat so they are not in your way. Then you have 'plans' for the evening and bugger off to friends house to watch TV and drink wine.
4) You let them do as they please but accept your Christmas, as planned, is ruined.

StillYummy · 22/12/2015 07:48

I vote option 1 above

abuhamzamouse · 23/12/2015 07:10

Have you ring your mum yet op?

Original poster
foxessoxes · 23/12/2015 20:25

Sorry meant to update earlier!

They are still coming Angry

OP posts: