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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my house, my rules?

84 replies

foxessoxes · 21/12/2015 15:18

So- the plan up until last night was id spend Christmas alone as I didnt want to travel 150 miles to my parents to spend Christmas there.

Went for dinner last night and I invited my friend and her DD (who is also my goddaughter) round for Xmas dinner so she didnt have to worry about cooking because shes a shit cook Wink and then we have decided to spend the day together- they are coming over Xmas Eve and staying over and doing presents etc here

Parents called this morning to announce that they are coming, with my brother. And SIL and nephew. Right. Confused

I pointed out that I live in a 2 bed, tiny flat. Not a problem- Dad has booked them in to a local B&B.

So they think they can squeeze in to my tiny flat on Xmas day to do presents, and have Xmas dinner. I have a tiny kitchen and my oven is tiny- there is no way I can cook, and host, for 7. Not a chance- 3 will be a push.

Ive pointed thisout to DM- surely you can uninvite them? Surely family are more important? This just goes to show how selfish she can be.

Anyway. I was starting to relent- and then comes up the topic about presents.

SIL doesnt want to do the whole Santa thing with nephew. So is it OK if we tell friends 5 year old daughter, that there are no presents from santa this year? No. No its fucking not. Hmm

Que a rant about how selfish I am, how im not thinking about my own nephew at Christmas. I said- my house, my rules. She then tried to trump with "we gave you £500 towards your deposit". I have to admit, the tears from the laughter are still stinging in my eyes a little bit.

Ive told them they will be welcome to come- but they wont be staying, we will celebrate on my terms and if they dont like it- they can stay home, or if they are at my place they will be shown the door.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2015 16:20

Otherwise: tell them to bring their own folding chairs. beg a or borrow a second table from friends/garden whatever.

So where the hell does she put that in a tiny flat which already has 7 people in? It would be ridiculous even to try.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2015 16:24

I'd tell them that since they said they weren't coming you have already made other plans and invited a friend. Or even tell a white lie and say you are going to friends house and it's too late to change things. Cheeky bunch. Tell them to get lost. I certainly wouldn't be borrowing tables and extra glasses and so on at the last minute. Blow that for a lark. Christmas spirit only goes so far. Grin

theycallmemellojello · 21/12/2015 16:27

Aw. Ok, obviously YANBU. BUT. It is quite sweet that your family were all worried about you being on your own and decided to all drive down together and see you. They obviously care about you - although yes they are making very unreasonable demands. Can you book to go out for Christmas lunch? That seems like it might be the best and least stressful compromise.

Yes, of course you can't deny the other girl santa. BUT if both kids are definitely coming, it would seem sensitive to have the other girl do her santa presents at home. Not because your mum and your sil call the shots, just that it's more than slightly mean on a little boy who has nothing from santa to make him watch a girl open santa presents. The little boy has done nothing wrong in this scenario after all.

TartanBirdFeeder · 21/12/2015 16:42

It sounds like they really want to see you, that's lovely but they do need to accept that you are not spoiling it for your god-daughter. If SIL wants it done differently then she can do it at her house. It'd do your nephew good to realise he has to consider other people before himself at times.

BigChocFrenzy · 21/12/2015 16:45

Just say NO.

Explain that your friend and her DD have made other plans, including Santa bringing presents
That should frighten off the tight bastards

EweAreHere · 21/12/2015 16:46

YANBU, they are.

Since you didn't tell them, 'Sorry, but you'd already made alternative Christmas arrangements and that they should have checked with you first ... hope you can get any B&B deposits back!' you should still make it clear that you are still not hosting. Since they were so good at booking themselves into a B&B, surely they can book a Christmas dinner for themselves somewhere as well if they're still planning to come. If they want you there, they also have to include your friend and your godchild. And not screw up Santa for your godchild.

Be firm, be very firm. You're an adult and entitled to celebrate how you want to since they're trying to impose unexpectedly.

BiddyPop · 21/12/2015 16:52

Mello, I don't see why, when the OP invited her DFriend and DGoddaughter to stay on Christmas Eve, and this would include Santa arriving at OPs house, that she needs to change that. Regardless of any other part of the self0entitledness of the intrusion by her DFamily. Her family were not invited, they are imposing themselves on an event. So they absolutely cannot impose any rules even if they are allowed to come.

But they shouldn't be allowed to just turn up in the first place when they were not invited and there is no space for the OP to host them.

MizK · 21/12/2015 16:52

Fucking hell, I'm usually one to root for family togetherness but they sound insane!

YANBU. Your day with a friend and her DD sounds perfect, you must be gutted that they want to pile in on you and dictate how things are to be done.

You should be telling your SIL to make sure she doesn't say anything about Santa that might spoil it for your friends DD. That is, if you allow them to come which would be extremely generous under the circumstances.

Snowglobe1 · 21/12/2015 16:53

Definitely Santa. And SIL gets coal.

IamFatherChristmasNOTsanta · 21/12/2015 17:00

to go against consensus here, I think its really touching and sweet your family have decided to come to you.

How many times do we here " but we cant go there the flat is tiny" as if the flat size is more important that the relative Xmas Hmm

I think its a very sweet and moving gesture!

As for flat size, I have lived in modest, large, very ( very ) large and very small houses.

the best xmassses were in the humble but small kitchen at my dms. BECAUSE it was small. Even Nigella was saying small space means better dinner table convo and far more fun.

As for meal being cooked, slighty more tricky, perhaps a small compromise of them eating out, you eating with freind at your flat?

I am quite jealous, I think you will have a blast and it might be lovely for your goddaughter to be around people too.

All you need to do is lay down the law about santa - sorry Father Christmas Xmas Wink to your sil.

Under no circs is she going to start to dicate about FC and when and how he brings gifts.

Op I can just imagine doing this for my own dd if she was older, rather than let her spend it alone or without us.

Its a sweet and kind gesture.

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 21/12/2015 17:01

YANBU , they have got a bloody cheek

EweAreHere · 21/12/2015 17:06

to go against consensus here, I think its really touching and sweet your family have decided to come to you

It's controlling and imposing, not sweet. It would be sweet, perhaps, if they had asked her first and made sure she was ok with it. They may just want to share their own miserable dysfunctional, selfish holiday ways ... I know this pattern well ... like the 'can't be bothered about Santa' bit and 'family first' edicts already.

EveryLittleThing · 21/12/2015 17:08

How on earth is it a sweet and kind gesture to dictate to someone else - let alone a family member - how they will they be spending their Christmas ?? Are you the dreaded SIL ??

LagunaBubbles · 21/12/2015 17:13

Mello totally disagree with you, why on earth should the OP have to change her original plan of having friend and her DD stay over from Christmas Eve so Santa doesn't visit there and visit at their own home instead.

Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2015 17:16

IAmFather, how on earth is it "sweet and kind" to announce with less than four days' notice that you plan for three people to visit her uninvited, and you expect her to cater for them despite having no room and a kitchen that isn't conceivably big enough? Let alone to expect her to cancel her current plans to accommodate this visit?

BigChocFrenzy · 21/12/2015 17:21

Dictating and imposing yourself is NOT being kind.

Trying to restrict Santa for someone else's little girl is bloody outrageous

Christmas is no excuse to trample over other peoples' plans.

To think my house, my rules?
OnlyLovers · 21/12/2015 17:24

It's controlling and imposing, not sweet. It would be sweet, perhaps, if they had asked her first and made sure she was ok with it.

This is exactly it. And I speak as someone who is with Nigella on everything the small convivial table thing, and love having people crammed in and making do. It's the inviting themselves with bugger-all notice thing that I object to.

Original poster
foxessoxes · 21/12/2015 17:24

Yes, it is nice they have decided to come and see me in a way. What isnt sweet is that they expect me to either cancel plans with my friend or basically tell her 5 year old that santa isnt real because she isnt getting any present from him. Not to mention giving me 4 days notice when I havent ordered enough food, is too late to- not to mention the space issues. And they know all this.

Mum has been moaning about doing Xmas for ages. Frankly, i think she has decided she cant be arsed.

No point saying no. They dont take no for an answer when they are set on something

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 21/12/2015 17:28

Seriously I'd tell them no- you need to take a stand. I cannot believe they think that they are reasonable!

drspouse · 21/12/2015 17:28

If you say no, and say "I don't have enough food for you" and they still turn up, and you greet them with "I wasn't expecting you and I haven't cooked for you. Here are the directions to the Chinese restaurant in the next town that is open. Goodbye" what can they do?

OnlyLovers · 21/12/2015 17:29

As drspouse says. Or what would happen if you just didn't answer the door? You CAN do that, you know.

yorkshapudding · 21/12/2015 17:31

"Sweet and kind", my arse. It would be kind to OFFER to come to you but not to invite themselves, with no thought to whether you might already have plans, and to actually go ahead and book a B&B without even checking with you, FOUR DAYS before Christmas! Then when it turns out you do have plans, instead of saying "oh well, I suppose that's our fault, we should have checked with you first" they assume that they will automatically take priority and ask you to uninvite your guests...you know, the ones who were actually INVITED! Then they have the cheek to accuse you of being selfish for not wanting to let your friend and her little girl down and impose your SIL's anti-santa weirdness on someone else's child! Xmas Shock Ridiculous!

They sound extremely pushy and controlling and clearly have no respect for your time or opinions. I wouldn't change my plans, especially not if it involved letting a good friend down, for people who behave so badly.

theycallmemellojello · 21/12/2015 17:35

biddy and laguna - look, I'm not saying that the OP should have to change her plans just because her relatives clap their hands. If their demands were regarding anything else, I'd say that the OP should stick with Plan A and have done with it. But in this case, sticking with Plan A is likely to upset a small (? presumably) child. And IMO if it is possible to change things around so that a small child doesn't get upset on Christmas day then that is the right thing to do. I emphasise again, it's not the right thing because it's what SIL/DM want, it's the right thing because upsetting a small child on Christmas day when there is a way not to upset him is really shit.

Sallyingforth · 21/12/2015 17:36

OP I'm not going to repeat all the other comments because of course YANBU.

I just wanted to wish you a very happy Christmas with your friend and her daughter. I hope you all have a lovely time.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/12/2015 17:36

If you don't tell them no you can't complain when they mess up Christmas as you know they will/knew they would.