To think my house, my rules?

[foxessoxes]

So- the plan up until last night was id spend Christmas alone as I didnt want to travel 150 miles to my parents to spend Christmas there.

Went for dinner last night and I invited my friend and her DD (who is also my goddaughter) round for Xmas dinner so she didnt have to worry about cooking because shes a shit cook and then we have decided to spend the day together- they are coming over Xmas Eve and staying over and doing presents etc here

Parents called this morning to announce that they are coming, with my brother. And SIL and nephew. Right.

I pointed out that I live in a 2 bed, tiny flat. Not a problem- Dad has booked them in to a local B&B.

So they think they can squeeze in to my tiny flat on Xmas day to do presents, and have Xmas dinner. I have a tiny kitchen and my oven is tiny- there is no way I can cook, and host, for 7. Not a chance- 3 will be a push.

Ive pointed thisout to DM- surely you can uninvite them? Surely family are more important? This just goes to show how selfish she can be.

Anyway. I was starting to relent- and then comes up the topic about presents.

SIL doesnt want to do the whole Santa thing with nephew. So is it OK if we tell friends 5 year old daughter, that there are no presents from santa this year? No. No its fucking not.

Que a rant about how selfish I am, how im not thinking about my own nephew at Christmas. I said- my house, my rules. She then tried to trump with "we gave you £500 towards your deposit". I have to admit, the tears from the laughter are still stinging in my eyes a little bit.

Ive told them they will be welcome to come- but they wont be staying, we will celebrate on my terms and if they dont like it- they can stay home, or if they are at my place they will be shown the door.

AIBU?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Op I was a bit that you don't want to travel 150 miles to be with your family at Christmas - many others travel thousands to be with theirs. Your family are wrong to just say they'll be pitching up with so little notice but I too wonder what history there is here. Your sil does sound like an arse and of course it should be your house, your rules. But is it possible there are other issues at play here? Are you otherwise close? How often do you make the 150 mile trip to see them? Might they feel it's a one sided relationship? Or are they quite toxic and you therefore prefer not to see them?

[RumAppleGinger]

Any chance you could take all the food and presents to your friends house and have christmas there instead? presuming of course that your mum doesn't know where your friend lives

[venividivicky]

OP, do you actually love your family? Do they love you more than you love them? What is the history?

I say this because I am also in the minority on this thread in thinking that they must care for you deeply to travel such a long way over the Christmas period and pay for accommodation, in order to spend Christmas day in a small flat. They are coming because they love you, they want the family to be together, and they assume that you will be pleased. Essentially, they are making the effort to travel because you are not prepared to do so.

I agree it's late notice but sometimes it's nice when things are spontaneous. It's only one day/meal after all. I imagine they were having a conversation and feeling sad that you would not be coming to them this year, because of the distance, so said why don't we make the effort this year and go and see Fox, and have persuaded the family to do likewise. It probably didn't occur to them that they wouldn't be welcome.

Can't you just buy the stuff ready made if necessary (do you have a microwave for the veg and pudding?). Then all you need is say a turkey crown or something to stick in the oven, or even a ready cooked gammon. Maybe you could ask your guests to bring the food if you are busy and won't they help with the preparation and clearing up? I think it's a first world problem when family are not welcome to share a meal because the home/oven is too small.

I lost my mother many years ago, before my DC were born, and my DC are older now, although two still at home, but we are still very close, and Christmas is a big deal for us. It breaks my heart to think that I could one day be so unwelcome at their homes that I could travel 150 miles and they wouldn't even let me in.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"They are still coming "

Then best you are at your friend's house cooking a lovely dinner before they arrive.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

HIDE!!! Douse the lights and HIDE! I'm being completely serious.

There are just some people who will not take 'no' for an answer and it appears that OP's family may be that kind.


OP, is there any way you can move everything to your friends?

[RideEmCowgirl]

because the Op is allowing them too by not telling them strongly enough that they are not invited.

[drspouse]

What the? How can they be?

[CFSsucks]

I hate that my family make no effort. I hate that I am absolutely the bottom of anyone's list to visit (in fact I'm not even on the list, they just don't bother) but fuck me i'll take that over this.

No one would be telling me what to do. In fact a relative of mine invited herself last year, and I bloody well let her come, this year I've said no she has to make other arrangements before she literally just turns up, what they are I couldn't give a fuck tbh, not my problem. I cannot abide rude and entitled people.

[DisappointedOne]

How the actual fuck can that be?!

[foxessoxes]

Sorry meant to update earlier!

They are still coming

[abuhamzamouse]

Have you ring your mum yet op?

[StillYummy]

I vote option 1 above

[cashewnutty]

So your options are:
1)Tell them absolutely not. You have no room and it is not happening.
2)You tell them that in fact you are doing the Christmas dinner at your friends house as she has a bigger kitchen/her DD wants to be in her own house/you have a flea infestation (make up your own reason) so sadly you can't cater for them.
3)You tell them they can do Christmas morning in the B&B so your friends DD can do Santa at your house. They come at a very specific time to eat so they are not in your way. Then you have 'plans' for the evening and bugger off to friends house to watch TV and drink wine.
4) You let them do as they please but accept your Christmas, as planned, is ruined.

[MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge]

Ring your brother and SIL and tell them not to come.
Then ring your father and say the same thing, then tell your mother.
This will reinforce the message. Just dealing with your mother allows her to misrepresent what you are saying to the rest of the family.

I have had to do this. My mother is not toxic, but is poor with recognising/respecting her adult children's boundaries. I butted heads with her for ages about inviting herself and my father down and taking over when she did come. In the end, I spoke to my father, who recognised that I was being perfectly reasonable to object. I don't know what he said to my mother, but that was the end of turning up on very short or no notice, always answering my phone and sundry other transgressions.

[DollyTwat]

Do it op
Tell your family you and your friend are having a curry, and there will be no food for them.

My brother has decided against coming to my dads this year. I understand why. My dad gets drunk and is awful to him. It would be like us telling him we are coming to his.

He'd be horrified

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Just ring your mother and tell her they're not to come, you are not feeding them or having them at your flat. Don't bother with the B&B, just tell her. Because they will ruin Christmas for you your friend's DD .

I wouldn't usually suggest this, but if you can't face the conversation then text her.

'Mum, the more I think about you all coming here for Christmas the more I realise that it really doesn't work for me. I am working both Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, I am not going to spend the 25th cooking and hosting! I have arranged a quiet day with my friend and her daughter and that is what I am going to have.'

Now that's a reasonable and polite text, but I'm pretty sure from what you've posted that it will spark a tirade from her accusing you of being selfish etc. so the follow up would be

'If we want to talk "selfish" then I think inviting yourself and four others to someone else's home on Christmas Day and demanding they cater for you all, with four days' notice; THAT'S selfish. Don't come, I won't be in.'

Or words to that effect.

The sooner you tell them not to come, the better.

[foxessoxes]

Would it be really cruel to ring up the B&B they are in and cancel the booking? Theres no room whatsoever for them all here so they would probably have to go home

[FishWithABicycle]

What WhereYouLeftIt said:
Instead of your friend and her DD coming to yours, could you go to hers and cook dinner there. So that they are just knocking on the door of your empty flat? Tell them now that you won't be there, obviously, but equally obviously don't tell them your friend's address.

This is the thing to do.

[ImtheChristmasCarcass]

Instead of your friend and her DD coming to yours, could you go to hers and cook dinner there.

This. Seriously. I'd do it if I were in your place. There are just too many 'unpredictables' with your family descending on your place. It's not fair to you or to your friend.

[Pilgit]

On the Santa thing - we don't have it in our house but DD1 is under strict instructions to respect that others do. We would approach it in that way - that we respect those that believe. Your relatives sound mental and I'm with the 'tell them to bugger off' brigade. It's just rude to invite yourself anywhere and at this late stage it's ridiculous.

[Alohamora]

Didn't you take a stand by not going to them in the first place? If you are the poster I'm thinking of your family are quite toxic?

I hope you get the Christmas you want and deserve OP .

[ohtheholidays]

Ring your Mum back now and tell her your cooker isn't working and your place is being fumigated so your spending Christmas with your friend

[Dontunderstand01]

You really need to take a stand OP. I can't believe the cheek of them especially regarding santa.

Save up the £500 quid and pay them back plus interest. Eliminate anything they think they can handle over you.

[DisappointedOne]

Yes, what is the deal with SiL not wanting to do Santa? Is this some sort of religious thing? What the hell is she telling her son when he comes home from school and says Santa is visiting all his classmates?

We don't do Santa. What I mean is that we haven't encouraged DD (5) to believe in Santa, or to obsess about what she's getting etc. There's no mince pie left out etc and no presents from Santa (at the moment). She showed an interest in seeing one, and did twice, but knew they were just people dressed up like at Disneyland.

It's similar to our handling of religion - if she asks we say that some people believe whatever it is and she's welcome to believe what she wants to. If she ever decides she likes the idea we'll adjust our activities accordingly. To "protect" kids whose parents go completely overboard lying to their kids about it we specifically don't say that he doesn't exist/isn't real.

We know we're in the minority, but we'd never expect others to adjust their children's expectations for us we just avoid visiting the in laws who go batshit crazy about it every year.

[Witchend]

You know they'll probably wait for a good time to announce "truths" about fc in front of your friend's dd.